There was a sudden coldness to Shepard and Kaidan had no idea how to breach it. She barely said two words to him and her eyes were the color of a stormy sea, and just as forbidding. Every time she met his gaze, he felt as though she'd dash him against the rocks to drown. A tension arched between them and he knew she was begging for a fight. It was how she dealt with things, angry words and a cruel, cutting tongue.
Something had upset her, and she avoided his questions and even his touch. They started sleeping on separate sides of the bed until sometimes in the night she would reach for him, almost despite herself. She would hug him as if afraid he would disappear right in front of her and then pull away, her back an implacable wall.
The morning of the exploration of the derelict Reaper she pulled her armor roughly on in the armory, refusing their usual ritual of seal checks and help with difficult clasps. Kaidan turned away from her as he dressed, stung. He didn't know what he'd done and it annoyed him that she wouldn't speak about it. She liked keeping secrets, it seemed.
As Kaidan started pulling on his chest piece she turned and said coldly, "That's not necessary, Kaidan. Garrus and Miranda are coming this time." She gestured to where the turian and Cerberus loyalist were suiting up and checking their weapons.
He protested, "Shepard…with all due respect, I'd like to be there. It'll be dangerous; I think a four man squad is best."
"I'm the Commander of this ship, not you," she barked, like she would if he was a green recruit to pull into line and Kaidan bristled. He held back the retort on his lips as she bit out, "And I said no."
Lawson came between them, her brows raised in mild surprise at Shepard's tone. "Shepard, as much as I hate to agree with him, he's right." She threw Kaidan a dirty look. "There will probably be husks inside; another person with biotics would be beneficial for crowd control."
Shepard huffed, "Samara or Jack could come, then."
Kaidan had enough. He felt a spark of anger and annoyance at Shepard's childishness. She was like that sometimes and he even though he'd never say it aloud, he thought it was because of the way she was raised that she could barely express strong feelings without anger or sarcasm mixed in.
He loved her more than anyone else and he might be used to following her orders, but she couldn't speak to him like that or keep him off vital missions due to whatever personal problems they had. Samara and Jack were still recovering from their emotional missions. He was the best person for the Reaper exploration. Shepard knew better than anyone that they went through Virmire together and that he was more than familiar with Indoctrination.
Kaidan stalked over to her and grabbed her armor, pulling her gently aside to lean down and ask quietly, "What's your problem? You know Samara and Jack are still dealing with what went down. Why won't you let me help you?"
To his surprise, she jerked her arm away violently and hissed, "Get off me."
He immediately backed off from her, worried that she was having flashbacks to Morinth or her childhood. He was confused. Shepard had always been moody but never like this with him.
"Sorry," he said quickly. "I'm just trying to understand."
Her face crumpled for a moment, noticing the hurt on his. She sighed and said, "No, I'm sorry. I just…I have some things on my mind. We could use you on this mission."
She started walking away and taking his chance he grabbed her hand, pulling her back. Lawson and Garrus were fussing with their armor. Kaidan had a last chance.
He pressed her lips to his, in good luck, in apology, in love. In a hundred little things he couldn't name.
He meant to pull away, it was only a small quick thing on a whim, but she fisted a hand in his hair and opened her mouth under his. Her tongue was in his mouth and he was kissing her for all he was worth, like it would be the last time he would have the chance.
It was almost obscene, right in the middle of the armory, their mouths fused together as if they wouldn't see each other again for years. Kaidan could feel the anger in the kiss, the passion she felt for him and unconsciously his hand tightened on her fingers as he held them to his side. She clutched back and pulled his hair almost painfully.
What seemed like days blinked by as he kept his eyes shut, savoring the moment. He smelt the flowers in her hair that reminded him of happier times, of her soft naked skin and softer smile, more delicate than any bloom petal.
He heard her ragged breathing and the clang of her armor bumping against his and thought of her fierce battle grimace and sweaty, dirty face. Of the cobalt blast of dark energy that matched her eyes and made the hairs on his arm stand on end.
He felt her soft, small lips on his, giving and taking and demanding more and how she always challenged him to be a better man for her. How all that he had achieved since she died had been her epitaph and he would have spent a lifetime living in the shadow her memory, of her love that he couldn't let go.
He thought about the last time they had slept together before she had turned distant, and how she had whimpered his name and squirmed against him, begging him and chanting that she loved him. He thought about after, how they had read that silly book about a lost boy together and then cuddled and kissed softly in the shower for so long they'd lost track of time and had made the Illusive Man wait for her QEC call.
Lastly, he thought of the hours leading up to Alchera those dark years ago. The last time he'd kissed her, the last time they'd slept together back then. He remembered it with perfect clarity, etched into his brain from hours dwelling over it after her death. He always thought it hadn't been them, hadn't been romantic enough for a goodbye. The last time he had tasted her skin, it was just a quickie in the locker room under the shower spray, not even in a bed. She'd been tired and in need of affection and so he'd given in to her.
They'd been on duty, breaking one of their Rules. Technically, she should have been on deck and Kaidan should have been at his post. The sex had been hard and rough against a tiled wall, of all places, as the shower had pounded down on them, covering their cries. He had come too quickly; they were too frantic and rushed at the thought of being caught. It had left square tile impressions on her back even though he'd tried to soothe them away with kisses. They were probably still there when she died.
Kaidan felt that last desperate passion and tension now, cinched together, and knew they teetered on the edge of something that threatened to drive them apart.
But he still loved her and would until the planets stopped spinning, until the oceans went dry, until a million Reaper cycles had passed. He wished for a moment there was no Alliance, no Cerberus, no Reapers and they were just two normal people who were free.
He realized now, under all these external pressures that he and Shepard had never been just free to love.
And he desperately wanted to be set free. But they couldn't. Kaidan couldn't. He didn't know if they would ever just make it together.
She was the one to pull away first. She wouldn't meet his eyes and he knew she felt whatever was in their kiss, too. Her lips red and swollen as she gestured over her shoulder and said, "I-I'm uh, gonna check on, uh, Joker…" and trailed off vaguely, stumbling out of the room.
Kaidan took several deep breaths, trying to gather himself and his composure. He saw Lawson watching him, her brows drawn so low over her eyes that she looked hawkish. He followed Shepard as the ship started rattling in cosmic winds and avoided both women's pairs of blue eyes.
Kaidan walked behind Lawson, Garrus and Shepard further into the Reaper. When they arrived at the sector containing the Cerberus labs Lawson had paled at the absence of the scientists, at the state of the labs. There were bodies, some husks, some not. Shepard had seen clearly that Lawson wanted time to check on the scientists' work and had ordered Kaidan to guard her as she and Garrus scouted a little ahead.
Kaidan told himself that she only took Garrus to evenly distribute their skills. She didn't take him with her to snub Kaidan.
"Chandana?"Lawson called, her voice echoing too loud in hushed, dark corners. Kaidan thought she sounded panicked as she dropped formalities, "Chandana? Arun?!"
"Stop yelling," Kaidan silenced her; wary of what could be waiting to pounce. "He's probably Indoctrinated, or a husk."
To his surprise her face fell into an agonized expression as she whispered, "He can't be. Oh god, he just can't."
"What's wrong?" he said, alarmed at her break in composure. "Should I get Shepard?"
"No!" she suddenly barked. "No. It's fine."
As she typed frantically on the console he watched over her shoulder. Streams of text played down the screen and he saw it was nothing but,
'DEAD GOD STILL DREAMS DEAD GOD STILL DREAMS DEAD GOD STILL DREAMS
DEAD GOD STILL DREAMS DEAD GOD STILL DREAMS DEAD GOD STILL DREAMS
DEAD GOD STILL DREAMS DEAD GOD STILL DREAMS DEAD GOD STILL DREAMS'
In ever increasing spelling errors until it petered off into gibberish. The back of Kaidan's neck prickled and he suddenly wished he had Shepard to stand beside him.
Lawson gasped, suddenly coated her hands in biotics and punched the console's screen, sending sparks flying as she obliterated it.
"Holy shit!" Kaidan jumped back in surprise, his mouth hanging open at her violent reaction.
She took no notice of his incredulity and swore, "Shit, this should never have happened!" She pounded on the console one more time. "Chandana was heading one of my projects for a few months before this one. An important one. And if he's been Indoctrinated-"
Understanding dawned on Kaidan and he murmured, "It would have leaked to the Reapers."
"Yes." She turned to him and there were furious tears in her eyes. "H-he would have had access to all the files, the med records, DNA samples and assays." She looked around the lab, her eyes lost and wild and Kaidan thought she was finally seeing the dangerous nature of Cerberus' experiments. "Bloody hell, he would have babbled everything to the Reapers."
"Maybe not." He tried to comfort, for a moment putting aside their differences, "The Reapers are in dark space and this one is dead."
"But it still dreams." She spat, "You saw it. We have no idea how they communicate with one another, or how the Collectors communicate with them. They could have some kind of information network or actually use the Collectors as an information intermediary. There's evidence of some kind of hive mind, or master controller."
"Hmm," he hummed, lost for words. There was nothing to say, everything she said was true. The Reapers had information she desperately didn't want them to have, regardless of how they had obtained it.
"This is so fucked," Lawson swore and placed her hand on her forehead, closing her eyes. She reminded him of Shepard for a moment, her icy mask cracked and he found himself feeling sorry for her.
"Are…look, I know we don't get along." Kaidan said gently, "But are you ok?"
"I can't believe you of all people are asking me that. After all that I've done…"
He coughed, clearing his throat and swallowing his pride. "You brought Shepard back. Out of everything you gave her back. And I suppose…you did save my life. That's something."
"Yeah." She nodded, a tremulous smile on her face, and gathered herself. She pulled her gun out, motioning them out of the lab sector and mumbled almost to herself, "Shit, the Illusive Man needs to put my project in lockdown. Move it, assign guards. My god. This is so…"
"It doesn't have to be so dangerous," Kaidan said and caught up to her as they moved further into the Reaper. "Look…Shepard trusts you. Defect to the Alliance. End this whole thing. We could save your project."
"You're a naïve man, Staff Commander," she scoffed, her familiar haughtiness back. "The project might be unsalvageable. The only thing waiting for Shepard and me in the Alliance is a cell or a firing squad…"
Kaidan raised his pistol as they turned a corner but it was empty. He could have sworn he heard noises.
"That's ridiculous," he whispered furiously. "Shepard could have her old life back and, if you provide information, you can bargain. We don't execute people."
"Yeah." She laughed bitterly, "Not publically."
Kaidan said nothing to her obviously Cerberus brainwashed vitriol and hefted the assault rifle he had attached to his back, equipping it instead of his pistol. It felt like the darkness was teeming with eyes, with danger, and the walls watched their every move.
Shepard radioed in to tell him that there was someone else in the Reaper, sniping husks for them and told him to be on his guard. Garrus and she would wait in a cleared room for them to catch up.
As she signed off with a curt "Shepard, out," he took the opportunity to ask Lawson something that had been bothering him, whirling in his stomach miserably.
"…Shepard's angry with me and I don't know why." He tried to keep the accusation out of his voice but failed, "What have you been saying to her?"
"Me?" she shrugged, unconcerned. "Why would you assume I'd bother to try and meddle in your train wreck of a relationship?"
Kaidan suddenly regretted even attempting to comfort her before and grumbled, "You know, I'm usually pretty respectful of women. But, you? You, I don't like."
"The feeling's mutual." She smiled sarcastically as they cautiously moved in formation. "She probably got sick and tired of you blabbering and questioning Cerberus' every decision." She threw her hands up for a moment as if beseeching the Reaper to smite him. "God knows, I would have attempted to drown you in the crew showers weeks ago." Kaidan rolled his eyes as she continued smirking, "It might've taken a lot of struggle but I would have gotten you eventually and been free of nagging. Shepard has the patience of a saint….and-"
"And what?"
She stopped and her face was honest and open. Some of the beauty returned to it, a glimpse of the woman she might have been if not drawn into Cerberus' lies. Her sapphire eyes met his amber ones and she said quietly, "And she clearly cares about you a great deal. It was, uh, something I was wrong about. Before."
Kaidan had never seen her admit that she made a mistake and he was intrigued. Maybe he was finally seeing the side of Lawson that Shepard cared for, that Shepard defended.
"How do you mean?"
Lawson sighed and said, "We, of course, researched the SR1 crew during Lazarus. We were aware you were fraternizing but not that there were genuine feelings."
Kaidan swallowed harshly, looking into the dark red gloom of the Reaper's bowels as he thought of their 'feelings'. It seemed such a paltry word to encompass what he felt.
She continued, whispering quickly as they drew closer to Shepard, "I made the mistake of projecting what I would have done, for what she was actually doing. Involving personal feelings instead of just sex for the hell of it."
"Shepard isn't- I mean she wouldn't just fraternize for the hell of it." He felt the need to defend them both, that they only fraternized because of genuine emotions that he couldn't help acting on. "Neither would I. We loved each other."
"I was just going by her previous record. She had no prior serious relationship, just sexual dalliances. I miscalculated."
Silence fell for a moment but it wasn't really silence as Kaidan knew it. The Reaper almost hummed, alive and dead at the same time. He wondered for a brief, heart-stopping moment if this was how Shepard felt as she lay on that med slab and Lawson wrested her back into life. Did she dream? She wasn't a goddess, no. Her face wasn't his to worship, her body was no temple. She was fallible human and he could never love perfection or divinity. But she was Shepard, the only living being ever to cross the border of life and death and shake off that clawed, grim reaper grasp. Was she aware of what was done to her like this Reaper was aware of them poking inside it?
The thought had him growling at Lawson, their earlier cease-fire forgotten, "It's funny you call it 'researching the crew' because, of course, you mean spy. I have the files, I have the pictures."
"What files?"
"You don't have to pretend. I know the extent of the surveillance and so does Shepard."
Lawson's eyes widened, seemingly bemused. "What surveillance?"
"You don't know?" He paused in the corridor they were in the middle of and raised his omni-tool, flicking through the files he had taken from the suicidal spy on the Citadel. "Look."
Her heels clicked over to him and looked through the flickering images with a dawning horror in her eyes. Kaidan had to look away as it came to the intimate pictures of him and Shepard entwined, and the ones with Ash, whole and alive.
"My god." She breathed, "I had no idea…he, he planned this-"
Fury lanced through Kaidan. She had to be talking about the Illusive Man.
"He planned her death?!" he demanded.
"No, no. That's not what I mean."
Kaidan powered his 'tool down as she leant on a railing and began, "I wasn't aware that before I brought him…evidence of yours and Shepard's relationship that he already knew. I didn't know that it went so far." She looked him in the eyes again and said, "I'm sorry, it was over the line. You both shouldn't have been so exposed. It was tasteless."
"Uh, thanks. I guess."
They moved on, coming to another lab area. Garrus and Shepard had already been through, so recently one of her Singularities still twirled, dead husk bodies stuck in it until it dissipated. He waved his arm, negating it, and it blinked out of existence, dropping the twisted remains.
Lawson stooped by a husk, and picked a locket off its neck. He wondered if she had once knew whose it had been. Maybe Chandana.
"I can't believe this." She said and stood back up, pocketing the locket. She picked up some datapads from a desk as he paced the room, looking for any leftover hostiles. "He acted so surprised when I told him, but he couldn't have been if he had the evidence already."
"How did you find out, if you didn't know about the spying? About us?" he asked curiously. "I mean if Shepard was um, dead…"
Lawson made a nervous gesture and in her fumble dropped a datapad.
She picked it up, acting like she never dropped it in the first place and frowned, "Do you really want to know? It's crude."
Kaidan raised his eyebrows expectantly. What could be crude? How Lawson would have known? He didn't think Joker would be that tactically brain dead to actually betray Shepard's secrets to Cerberus and he knew Chakwas wouldn't have either.
"There was um, evidence of your…shall we say, recent liaison?" She raised a delicate brow, as if that should explain it all.
"Evidence?" Kaidan frowned, not following.
"You idiot, I'm trying to be discreet." Lawson rolled her eyes and said flatly, "There were traces of seminal fluid in her reproductive tract as I did the uh, cellular exploration to see if she could be saved. Obviously we performed DNA analysis to ensure the corpse hadn't been…tampered with."
"Oh." Kaidan coughed, flushing red in embarrassment and also anger. They had pawed through her body, scrutinized every cell like she was some kind of lab rat. Lawson toyed with the end of the datapad and he thought curiously that she wouldn't meet his eyes. He wondered if she was lying for a moment and dismissed it. Why would she lie about something so private? After all, they had slept together, only hours before the Normandy was attacked.
Lawson shrugged and sighed, "It wasn't your best kept secret anyway."
She looked to wrestle with herself, and finally confessed, "For what it's worth…I'm beginning to see that maybe I'm not as perfect as I thought and that maybe I've hurt a lot of people along the way."
Kaidan said nothing and she followed him as he left to find Shepard.
He didn't think that even with her apologetic words she could ever make up for the wedge Cerberus had driven between him and Shepard.
They met up with Garrus and Shepard, the both of them perched behind a crate grinning at some private joke. There were husk and scions' guts and blood spattered on their armor, their duty as forward vanguards for Lawson and Kaidan putting them in the thick of things. Once they reconstituted their group though, she set Garrus back on sniper duty and took Kaidan on point with her.
The Reaper had engaged its kinetic barriers as they had first entered and the core needed destroying before they could leave with the Reaper IFF they had recovered from a lab. Kaidan knew they would be cutting it fine; the only thing stopping the Reaper from falling into the brown dwarf it orbited was the mass effect fields. They would need to be damn quick and lucky.
Shepard was always lucky. He just hoped it would extend to all of them.
"Kaidan," Shepard said as they took a moment to quick equipment and heat sinks, "I found more audio. Everyone on this thing is dead or husks. They seemed to be sharing dreams; they couldn't even tell whose wife was whose anymore."
Kaidan couldn't imagine not being able to correctly remember who his own wife was. He hated the Reapers and thought that he finally fully empathized with Shepard's fear of corruption, of the husks.
The Reapers would destroy him if they stole his memories of Shepard. In dark days, memories were all he had.
"Yeah," he replied sadly. "Lawson and I figured that. She's pretty upset."
Kaidan and Shepard stood, starting to move forward and for a moment their hands brushed and the world stood still.
A bullet whizzed by his ear in the exact moment their hands made contact and he spun to see the husk that had crept up on them fall with a bullet in its circuit-brain. There were three more climbing from the platform's depths and quicker than Kaidan could react they were put down with expertly aimed rounds.
"Shepard-Commander."
He saw Shepard's mouth fall open as they both caught sight of the sniper. It was a geth.
"What the fuck?" Shepard mouthed and Kaidan whole-heartedly agreed. What was a single geth doing here?
They pushed further into the dead god, now wary of the guardian geth with the sniper rifle.
"Alright everyone! Kaidan, you're with me. We're in charge of crowd control. You keep the husks off Garrus and I'll keep them off Miranda."
In the core Kaidan nodded at Shepard's order, moving beside her. She gestured to Lawson and Garrus and said, "You two, I want you to focus on taking the zombies out. Garrus, you're the heavy hitter, go for the core when you've got the chance and I want you to keep suppressing fire up. Cover us and the geth."
"The geth, Shepard?" Kaidan asked, surprised. Why would she care about the geth?
"It probably saved our lives, LT. We owe it."
Kaidan shrugged. He never had much sympathy for geth, not after what he saw on Eden Prime, not after…Ash.
They broke off, the sick wailing of husks signaling their arrival. Straight away, Shepard thrust her arm out, a look of fierce concentration on her face as a Singularity burst to life and funneled the husks into neat little airborne groups.
Kaidan tore his eyes away, concentrating on keeping Garrus safe, using biotics to throw the swarming husks away. They fanned out covering one platform while Shepard and Miranda took the other, waiting for the core to open.
They were ripping through the husks until Shepard ordered them to concentrate fire on the core when it opened. The two males turned, assault and sniper rifle joining in with the flare of Shepard's biotics and Miranda's sub-machine gun. He heard Shepard swear loudly as it shut and off to his side he heard Garrus yell in alarm.
Kaidan turned and suddenly Garrus was down on the ground, five husks crawling on top of him, biting at his armor. They were dragging him to the edge of the platform and the oblivion waiting there.
Kaidan raised his hand throwing the husks off the turian but one still had him by the spurs on his leg, already yanking him over the side. Garrus' weapon lay fallen too far for him to reach, and his talons left little scrabbles and scratches on the metal as he frantically clawed for purchase.
Without thinking Kaidan threw himself onto his stomach before him, grasping one off his arms in his and trying to dig his feet into the metal to stop their slide. There must have been more husks waiting below and he heard Garrus pant in pain as more grabbed his legs, yanking Kaidan and him further down. If he didn't let go of his old friend, he would fall too.
Kaidan held on tighter, desperately wishing he had his arms free to use his biotics, wishing he could think of something to save them.
"Kaidan. Let go, you'll fall." Garrus' icy blue eyes bored into Kaidan's, begging him to let go and save himself. The vigilante was almost entirely over the side now. Kaidan's head was pulled over the edge and his torso hung off bearing Garrus' entire considerable weight. His muscles burned under the strain, his feet scrambling.
He looked down and saw the hell below. The darkness of a Reaper's heart. Multiple husk eyes glowed, denizens of hell waiting to welcome them into their embrace.
"Alenko. Let me the hell go!"
"Doesn't work like that," he panted, gripping the turian's arm tighter. Sweat poured down his face with the effort and his hands were slippery in his gloves. "We used to be friends and that means something. No one left behind."
Garrus looked at him defiantly and started to wiggle out of his grip, determined not to pull Kaidan to his death as well.
"I'm going to be a good turian this time, Alenko. You take care of her."
His hand was so slippery….
"No, Garrus," he gasped. "Don't do this."
There was a massive boom of a biotic detonation behind them and renewed scream of husks and then there was a sudden lightness to Kaidan's body.
"Come on, boys! Up and at 'em."
Shepard was there and Kaidan breathed raggedly in relief. She coated Garrus in biotics, making him lighter, and with a grunt of effort grabbed Kaidan's arm and pulled, yanking Garrus and him over the side with ten husks clinging to Garrus' body like a macabre monkey-in-a-barrel game.
Lawson shot the husks neatly in the head; one by one on Shepard's commanding gesture.
Kaidan fell back on his ass with an oomph, shaking from how close they had come to losing another team member.
Shepard pulled Garrus to his feet, shoved a gun at him and then grasped Kaidan under his arm and yanked him upright too.
Their chests bumped together and she smiled at him, but he could see the gaping terror in her eyes at nearly losing them both that turned her best feature dark and the edges tight.
"You're ok," she said gruffly, almost to herself.
The core opened then, and she unleashed hell along with Miranda, their biotics searing the glowing heart of evil. Kaidan and Garrus gathered themselves and he joined his biotics in.
The core finally stopped, and Kaidan thought it was a good thing Shepard was lucky, or Garrus and he would have joined Chandana's ghosts in the machine.
Shepard bent over the fallen geth, examining it and with a nod started hauling it onto her shoulders. Kaidan noted that it wore a familiar pauldron…
Why would he have Shepard's old N7 armor? Kaidan would kill it if it had scavenged from Shepard's corpse like some kind of carrion bird.
"Shepard, you've got to be kidding!" Miranda questioned. "A geth?"
"He's coming." Shepard said and her tone brokered no argument as she barked, "Garrus, carry him."
She obviously found the geth's bulk too heavy or maybe she just wanted her hands free to shoot, so she bundled him into the turian's baffled arms.
"I agree with Ms. Lawson." Kaidan couldn't believe the words that fell from his mouth but couldn't understand why she was being so stubborn about a geth. "This is crazy. He's a geth."
"A geth who helped us," she said, rushed as the Reaper started falling. "He probably saved our lives. He's coming. End of discussion."
Joker urged them on then, and they tore through the Reaper to the where the Normandy was docked. Kaidan felt every step he took out of the Reaper lighten, some nameless dread disappearing from the back of his brain.
Shepard urged Garrus to throw the geth to the Normandy's airlock, in the lightened gravity, easily making it and then pushed Miranda to jump. Kaidan watched as she landed safety and then Garrus took his turn, Miranda steadying him by the shoulders.
"Shepard, you first! Jump!"
"Not a chance in hell. You first." Without waiting for his response she shoved him in the back and forced him to jump, Garrus grabbing him as he landed. He spun, angry at her for never taking her safety seriously.
She leapt, graceful as a small bird but fell slightly short, the distance widened by the falling Reaper.
He threw himself on his belly as he had for Garrus and caught her by the shoulders, pulling her over the side of the airlock.
"Jesus Christ, Shepard. You're gonna give me a heart attack."
"I think I've already had several today," she panted, her face bright red but grinning.
Kaidan sat in Shepard's cabin hours later, waiting for her to join him. It was late in the sleep cycle and he was tired. He had made her some toast and hot chocolate in an attempt at an apology for whatever he'd done and to make her actually eat something before she passed out exhausted, but it had started going cold while he waited. He was just about to go find what she could be doing at this hour, when the door whooshed open and she stumbled in, eyes dark with tiredness.
"Hey," he greeted. "What was keeping you?"
She glanced up, almost surprised to see him and said, "I woke up the geth. His name's Legion now."
Kaidan stood from where he had been sitting on her desk and exclaimed, "You what?!"
"Oh please, don't start." She rolled her eyes and started pulling off her jacket stiffly. "He's perfectly safe. You can talk to him and everything."
Kaidan gaped at her blasé attitude. "Some days I wonder if you're brilliant or just have a death wish."
Shepard said nothing, pulling her shirt and pants off so she was just in her singlet and underwear.
"I made you some food, if you want it," he said and gestured to the tray he had brought up from the mess.
"Thanks," she murmured and picked at the cold toast.
He sighed at her downcast expression. He had to know what was wrong with her, why she was either so sad or so angry. He couldn't stand this gulf between them.
Kaidan crossed to stand behind her, and placed a hand on the tight line of her shoulder stroking the warm skin there as he said quietly, "Please, Shepard. Tell me what's wrong?"
"I don't know how to say it," she whispered, not turning around.
"Try."
She drew a ragged breath.
"I found out you've been lying to me," she said flatly. "Anderson sent you here."
Her words slammed into him, the dull way she said it as if she believed the worst of him.
"Shepard?"
She spun and looked him furiously in the eyes, "Tell me: did you come because you loved me or because you wanted the greybox?"
"Of course because I love you!" he exclaimed, hurt. "How could you ask me that?"
"What was Horizon then?" she argued, eyes bright with anger and surprised tears. "If you wanted to join with no ulterior motive, why not join then?"
"Because I was confused," he stated simply. "You were dead for two hellish years and then you were alive with no explanation. I thought you were a Cerberus puppet. I had my duty to the Alliance."
"And your precious duty told you to come spy on me, didn't it?" she spat and made a little sarcastic gesture on the word duty. "Have you reported information?"
"Shepard, I haven't-"
"Yes or no?" she demanded. "When you check in with Anderson, do you send him information?"
Kaidan blanched. It was true. He had to report to Anderson to keep himself on the Normandy. If he didn't Anderson would assume the worst, that he had gone rogue like her. It was a tenuous situation, an Alliance officer in respectable standing being posted on a Cerberus ship without being considered a defector or traitor.
"Yes."
Shepard closed her eyes for a moment, breathing hard. "Like what?"
"Crew members, Cerberus activities."
Shepard nodded and crossed her arms uncomfortably. He was standing so close to her that he could count every freckle across her cheeks as she asked, "About me?"
"I tell him how you're doing," he admitted. His heart pounded. He knew she wouldn't like this, even though he only did it for her. He made sure every data burst to Anderson only painted her in a good light, only said good things about her leadership skills and all the people she was helping.
But he knew now that it was a fool thing to do. She would see it as betrayal.
He only did it for her. Kaidan didn't want to see her hurt by the Alliance or the Council. He didn't want to see her mission fail from outside interference.
She narrowed her eyes, "You mean if I've gone fully rogue."
"I report good things. The Council-"
"Is close to ordering a hit or something, aren't they?"
Kaidan baulked, his mouth dry as Tuchanka's soil. No way would they go that far. They couldn't.
"A hit?! No, Anderson and I won't let that happen."
"If this was all so innocent, why didn't you tell me?"
"Because you'd blow up like this," he said and waved his arms, indicating her sullen expression and even the whole room. The fish tank, the model ships, her armor, her pistol laid out on the table. The AI in the walls. The Normandy and crew. All bought with blood money, paid for by a terrorist mastermind who was determined to sink his claws into the woman standing before him, who he loved more than anything.
Kaidan's heart gave a painful twinge. He was losing her again.
"You're falling under the Illusive Man's thrall and I have no idea how to get you out of it."
"It's not a thrall!" she exploded, her face flushing red. She stalked away from him, haughty and moved to stand in front of the fish tank, pointing her finger at him. "Fuck you and the high horse you rode in on! If you were going to lie to me, fuck me and then message Anderson on the performance review, you should have just got off the ship as soon as your leg was better, instead of leading me to believe you still cared."
Kaidan felt his own anger bubble up inside him, no one else in the galaxy able to get under his skin quite like her. She looked beautiful and remote and wild, standing there screaming at him in nothing but her underwear. How could she think that of him? After all he suffered for loving her? After those awful two years of that yawning emptiness inside? He risked everything for her love - his career, his sanity, his integrity. Everything he ever had to sustain him through his adult life.
"Of course I care. I'm in love with you!" he burst out and she flinched in surprise that he actually raised his voice. "That's the whole reason I'm here, on a Cerberus ship, doing my damndest to keep you safe. You have to realize I would never ever do this, except for you."
"Don't use our relationship to justify your lies."
"I never lied!" He protested, "I wouldn't lie to you. You're the one who keeps secrets from me."
She scoffed, rolling her eyes, "Like what? I never pretended to care just to spy on you."
"I'm not spying! You can read the messages if you want. Some days I feel like I know nothing about you. One minute I know exactly where I am and then you change the rules."
"You bastard. You're the one who knows me best. I've told you everything!"
Kaidan crossed his arms, unconsciously mirroring her stance, "How about: Your age? The fact that you're intellectually gifted? I had to find that out from Lawson. You keep things about Cerberus for me. You never tell me exactly what you and the Illusive Man speak about, all those briefings you have."
"They're my big secrets?!" she yelled. "That's what you feel justified to spy on me about? I don't care about my age, why should you? And the test was wrong. They're not accurate, you idiot."
"They are."
She shrugged, her eyes wide in frustration. "Then they mixed me up with someone else. What can I tell you about Cerberus? I don't know what you want to know! The cells are separate for their own safely, what can I say? 'Change your whole protocol for me?' And the briefings are boring, he tells me a mission and I do it."
"That's not all. He whispers things in your ear. He's a snake, Shepard, and he's getting you into a dangerous position. All these ops, they are so far outside SOP that I don't even know where to begin."
There was a pause, their breathing heavy in the still room and then she rallied, firing back, "Maybe the only reason you're here is because you know I'm your way to take down Cerberus."
"How can you say that to me?" he bit out, his heart a battered, fragile thing. "After all we've been through."
There was a heavy silence and she crossed her arms, hugging herself. Kaidan looked at the now cold hot chocolate on the desk and felt like just apologizing and taking all the angry words back so he could hug her and just go to sleep with her beside him.
He couldn't though. And neither could she.
"Maybe we've been through too much," she finally muttered.
Kaidan put all his cards on the table. Words he had been longing to say bursting out from him. "The Illusive Man has gotten to you."
He paced forward and took her face between his hands gently, bending slightly to look her seriously in the eyes and made an ultimatum, his tone forced calm and quiet, "You need to leave him. How long until his apparent willingness to use Reaper tech gets you Indoctrinated?"
"How dare you!" she pushed him away, frowning. "I wouldn't allow myself to get Indoctrinated."
"You don't have a choice, Shepard. You can't just avoid it with just a strong will. It doesn't work like that. Look at what happened with Morinth. You underestimated her," her eyes skittered away from his guiltily. "Come back to the Alliance with me," he begged. "Every day on this ship you get closer and closer to the edge."
"No. The Alliance will take away everything I've worked for these last few months. Everything I've sacrificed to defeat the Collectors. Don't you understand?"
This time she was the one to reach for him, grasping him by the front of his shirt and looked beseechingly into his eyes. They were so large and pleading, endless blue pools as she put her face so close he could lean forward an inch and kiss her. "We won't be able to be together. If they knew we slept together, you'd be transferred and I wouldn't get to see you. It would destroy your career."
They stood there for long moments, breathing heavily. Her breath was warm on his face. He could smell her sweat and that flower scent that clung to her hair. He wanted to give in, he wanted to kiss her and he knew that she spoke the truth. Their relationship was dead in the Alliance. A Cerberus warship was the one place where regs didn't apply.
He imagined if she listened to him, if she rejoined the Alliance. They'd be on separate ships or postings, gleaning scraps of information from the extranet or the news on each other, only being able to meet up on shore leave for hurried sex and rushed conversation in seedy hotels. They would try to cram a relationship that he wanted a lifetime for into a couple of weeks, a few times a year.
Kaidan couldn't live like that. Not being at her side in battle, watching her back. They were a team.
"Look," Shepard started, and reached her hand up to stroke his cheek. There were tears swimming in her eyes. "I have feelings for you. That won't ever change. Aside from that, we work well together. I'm ten times stronger with you at my side than alone or with anyone else. Join me. Fully."
Kaidan stepped away, his mouth falling open as she went on, "The Illusive Man has made me an offer. We get freedom to do what we want; the Alliance won't keep us apart."
He couldn't believe what she was saying; there was a rushing in his ears, the sounds of the ship humming and the fish tank gurgling turning into a deafening crescendo.
"We can run Cerberus the way it's meant to be, doing what's right without regs getting in the way and far better funding. The Illusive Man will listen to us." Shepard's eyes gleamed cobalt in her fervor. "Imagine what we could do, who we could help. Kids like me, who live in slums. We could have freedom to take out slavers without waiting for the go ahead from our COs."
"Listen to yourself," he bit out, horrified. "You sound like…you sound like you want us to take over Cerberus. To make it into some kind of private army."
"The Illusive Man trusts me. He will make me his second in command. We can do good and I want you with me. Kaidan, sometimes you have to shape your own future."
He had enough. He couldn't do this anymore. She wasn't who he thought she was two years ago. She wasn't who he thought she was even yesterday. Where was the woman who asked him to read to her with wonder in her eyes?
A snake had stolen her from him, whispered poison to her and filled her to the brim with doubt and hubris.
"I'm sleeping down in the crew deck," he said and his voice came out with steel laced through it.
"Sometimes, I wonder if I ever knew you at all."
Kaidan heard her swipe the tray of toast off her desk as the door whooshed shut behind him. His eyes were wet as he walked away and he heard her sob once before the sound was cut off by the elevator closing.
His heart broke for what they had done. He just wanted to be free to love her with no complications but that now seemed as foolish and dangerous as mistaking someone else's wife for your own and dreaming of dead gods.