It was the first day back at school after the spring break and Ryan had finished classes for the day. The warmth of the promised spring still held sway and again Ryan's heart was light as he walked towards the parking lot. All around him men and women talked and laughed and whispered and loved and as Ryan continued along the path, he remembered how April had loved this time of year. It was all going by so soon. Again the impending anxiety over the future seemed out of place in this soft, almost pastel world.
A young woman's voice suddenly called out for Ryan and when it called again he stopped. It was Taylor.
"Hi Ryan." She seemed slightly out of breath as she came up to him. Her hazel eyes shined brightly from the impromptu exercise and she grinned wildly for a moment. "I was just working up the courage to call you when I saw you walking by—I don't know, before I knew it I was chasing after you."
"What's going on—is everything all right?" She shook her head and her vivacity from a moment ago seemed to drain out of her.
"Can we walk a bit?" He nodded and she wordlessly began walking at his side. "It's pretty today—isn't it?"
"Very pretty." She tried to look him in the face but she could not; there was a nervousness about her that he had not seen in her for a while now. It was as if she was trying to build herself up. Ryan kept quiet, letting her get there on her own.
"It's sad to think that you'll be leaving here soon—though Stanford is pretty too. I almost went there but I don't know—I guess Berkeley and all its nostalgia won out." Taylor laughed to herself and played with a strand of hair absently. "The thing is—I need to talk to you."
"I know—that's why we're walking together." She opened her mouth to reply but fell silent. Ryan looked at her, not understanding what she wanted; he once was able to read her and her strange moods but right now she was a mystery. "What's going on? Is it Jimmy?"
"No—no, not at all. That's through—I'm through with all of them." This made Ryan raise his eyebrows.
"Even Carlos?"
"Yes—Carlos; funny you'd mention Carlos."
"Did he do something to you?" Again she tried to meet his gaze but failed. Taylor laughed nervously and suddenly seemed to find the dirt by her feet interesting. "Taylor."
"I guess you can say that—I." She sighed deeply. "Sorry Ryan—I should go." The young woman was about to take off but Ryan reached out and took hold of her arm.
"Hey—what's going on—talk to me Taylor." Turning her around, Ryan was startled to see tears in her eyes. "What is it?"
"I'm pregnant." He let go of her, so surprising was the confession. "It's his and when I told him he completely freaked out on me—told me it wasn't his problem." She cried loudly as she struggled to get control of herself. "How could he do that to me?"
"I don't know." Despite all the pain Taylor had caused him, he felt so sad, seeing her bawling her eyes out. She looked so young and innocent, not the same woman who had driven him into sorrow.
"You're the first one I thought of—I didn't know who else to turn to but you; you're always so good and sweet and I didn't know what else to do."
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to end it." Taylor reached into her purse and pulled out a tissue. She blew her nose loudly and looked up at Ryan, her face all pathetic and tearful. "I just want someone to be there with me."
"When?"
"Now—will you take me now? They see people whenever—I don't have to have an appointment." Ryan stood, not sure what to do or say. How was he supposed to respond to her? Did she realize what she was asking? "Ryan?" She came closer to him. Her eyes were full of hope and sorrow.
"Where is it?"
"Only ten minutes away—I need a ride because you're not supposed to drive after the procedure."
"Taylor—I don't know. It's a lot"
"I know." His words seemed to defeat her. She silently started to walk a few yards in silence but then grabbed his hands. "I know how awkward this is Ryan but you have no idea how thankful I am for you even listening to me—I know I have no right to complain or ask you of anything but you're the first person I thought of and if you do this for me I promise that I'll use all my earthly powers to get you sainted or knighted or whatever." He almost smiled at her words; it had been so long since he had heard her ramble.
"And you're sure you want to go through with the abortion?" Looking at her, so sad and weary, he felt himself relenting.
"Yes." She nodded her head shyly, sadly. "I'm in no shape to have a child and I couldn't imagine giving birth to something and then giving it up for adoption." Her eyes were still bright with tears and as she wiped them away Taylor shrugged her shoulders. "I thought about it and I hate it but I don't see any other way." She studied Ryan for a moment, trying to gauge how he felt, what he thought. "Do you think I'm horrible to do it?"
"No—not horrible at all." He squeezed her hands and then let them go. They walked in silence until they reached Ryan's jeep. "Have you spoken to Summer?"
"Last night—we had a long talk." Ryan got into the car and opened Taylor's door from the inside. She slid into her seat and put the seat belt snuggly around her. "It felt good talking to her again."
"How do I get there?"
"You turn left on Woodville and then make a right on Orange lane—just go straight down and it's on the left. It isn't but ten minutes away"
"That sounds easy enough." He looked at her and then thought again about Summer and all her worries during spring break. "She was worried about you—we were all worried about you."
"I know—I didn't handle anything well."
"What happened?" He put the car in reverse and started to drive out of the parking lot. Taylor sat quietly, looking sadly out the window. Had she not heard him?
"We had a time—Carlos and I. You should have seen us Ryan—we had a wonderful time, Carlos and I. There was someone else; a girl from the program that you never met—Jan. We kept at it night after night, even when I still had the clap we kept at it. Carlos and Jan thought they could keep up but they couldn't—no, I was always one or two drinks a head of them. We kept it up for a good couple of weeks—I think we were all thought we were so high from the alcohol that we'd never come down again."
"But you did."
"We did—we had a spectacular crash. Jan couldn't take it—neither could Carlos. We stopped on the bridge one night and I dared them all to jump; they thought I had finally gone over the edge. Maybe they were right because I almost did jump. It would be a very fine way to go—jumping off the bridge like that." He simply drove in silence, not really noticing the road, only hearing her voice and her pathetic tale.
"What stopped you?"
"I guess I was just a coward—or not as crazy as they thought I was. You know, having an STD slowed me down a bit, as least for a day or two. I started drinking the day I saw you and I don't remember if I ever stopped until I found out I was pregnant. That scared me—everything was just a giant blur, just a fog up until that point. I know I handled everything badly with you and Summer—she called me and worried about me and she didn't deserve having to worry like that. I just didn't know what to do about things." She turned to Ryan. "You ever just felt compelled to do something, to keep pushing forward even though you don't know why you are doing it? That's how the past few months have been for me—just one giant push forward even though I didn't know where or why I was going."
"I don't know." He turned onto Orange. "I think maybe.' His words felt so small, so inadequate for the emotions she was speaking of.
"I got scared when I found out I was pregnant. I don't know, but I woke up that morning and something felt wrong, like a part of me wasn't right. When they told me I just wanted to scream—it was like it wasn't my life, it wasn't my body. I wasn't worthy to carry life in me. I went home and was planning to drink the life out of me, flush it away with alcohol." They pulled into the parking lot of the clinic but Taylor did not seem to notice. She was utterly lost in the past, in her emotions. "I picked up a bottle of gin and was about to pour out a glass when something just broke inside of me; I just couldn't stop crying. I don't know how long I cried for but when there were no more tears left I felt calm, at peace. I didn't feel that push any more; I didn't have the madness burning inside of me."
Her voice had gotten softer, more serene. Looking over at Taylor he was struck by her. Looking at her, at her eyes, at her pretty face, illuminated by her tears, by her confession, he saw the Taylor of the past. A gentle sweetness shown through her; there was an innocence where there had once been hardness. A shy smile passed over her and looking at her, Ryan felt that he had too fallen back into the past. It was if time had broken down and Ryan was able to reach out and touch something that had once been. Taylor sat in silence, regarding him with that sweet smile; her hazel eyes were only full of sweetness and affection.
"I'm so sorry." He knew she meant it.