Misery

If there was a picture of somebody being relaxed and absolutely happy with themselves, it was the picture in front of Sofia's eyes. Her kitten lay on her bed, on the back, all four legs sprayed to the left and right, eyes closed, loudly purring, and looking like he was right in paradise. And Sofia hoped it was exactly the way he felt, she hoped he was happy, as happy as a cat with his experiences in the past could be.

"You are aware of the fact that this is still my bed, aren't you?" She lay next to him, kissed his head and put her hand on his belly. The whole time he never moved, never bothered to open his eyes. No need to, he trusted her.

"I see you ignore the fact, fine. Now that we're both in MY bed, I can annoy you with how my last hours were, what's going on in my mind." He hand caressed gently the soft fur of his belly and he purred louder. Was it to show her how comfortable he was or a way to make some noise so he couldn't hear her?

"There was another ticket in my locker, I've a ticket for the last P!nk concert in two weeks. A great thing, I should be over the moon because I enjoyed the first concert very much. The downside is, it's in Washington and I'd be three days, two nights away. The idea of leaving you here alone makes me very unhappy, it feels wrong. You need me, even when you are a pride young cat, who looks very smug right now, you need me to open the cans, I'm your can-opener. Sara offered to feed you, you like her, the problem is, she's away too. One of her secret out of town dates, she never talks about. So Greg offers to feed you…can you live with that? I know you aren't happy when he was around, even when he gives you no reason to be afraid." She knew, when Sara and Greg come over to watch the concert later, her kitten would stay in her bedroom, not willing to be in the same room like Greg. It had to be a man, who tortured the kitten, this was the only explanation Sofia had, why he reacted like this to men. When her father was over, it was the same.

"He will come here in the morning and evening, gives you your food, fresh water and leaves, you will be the tiger of the apartment, have to take care of everything. Is that okay with you?" More purring, she took this as a 'yes'. It wasn't like Justice had many choices.

"In an hour he and Sara will be here to watch a concert, you can have a look at him, check out that he's no thread. He's really cute, worries a lot about me and…he met my mother last night. She told him, she doesn't have a daughter anymore. Guess, you and me are left of the Curtis family. You know them, did you ever believe they'd turn their back on me because I'm in love with a woman?"

The first visible reaction of her kitten, Justice turned, stretched and rubbed his nose on hers before he lay down again. A declaration of love from him to her, meant, he loved her, no matter what her parents thought.

"At one point I've to tell Sara. For a while I hope it would go away, that I lose my interest in her, but she's…she's the one I want, the one I dream of all the time. I can't get over her and continue my life, even when…when I really want a relationship again. I miss being hold in arms, kissed good night and miss the sight of somebody smiling because I enter the room. I know you're happy to see me, you love me, but…I want a human, who feels the same for me too. I start to get lonely." She closed her eyes. It had been a while she was involved, a very long time ago. The problem was, she didn't feel like going out and look for somebody, give somebody a chance to steal her heart, it was taken by Sara and she was more than happy with this pick. The brunette was the best and…was it a smart idea to go for the second best when you couldn't get the best? Could the second best make you happy, when you knew, there was somebody out there, you wanted more. This couldn't work out, could it?

"Can we make a deal?" She rolled on her belly and faced her cat, who opened his eyes to look at her. Such a smart car. He knew she talked to him and wanted some reaction.

"When I come back from Washington, I invite Sara over for dinner and tell her what I feel. The whole truth, not only half of the story. I tell her I love her, that I'm in love with her for a long time and I can't imagine my life without her. That I'm aware of the fact it's not exactly what she wants to hear, but I hope she can accept my feelings and won't push me away like my parents did. When she has no interest in me, it will hurt, but I promise I won't push it, won't try anything, if we can continue to be friends. I love her, I want to be with her, but her friendship is also very important to me. I rather not have her as a lover than lose her as a friend.

Do you think this is a good idea? Shall I say it this way? Because if I don't come clean to her, I get crazy. I'm ready for an answer, even when it's an answer I don't like. I need clarity."

Justice meowed. To her it sounded like he approved. So, these were the words she had to remember when Sara was over, had to tell her. Oh god, she knew already, the nights before that evening - or more the days before that evening - weren't made for long and good sleeps.

"I could also write it down and send her a letter…but I think I want to tell her face to face. And see her reaction." She grabbed the remote control of her stereo system and pressed play. Time for some music before she had to get up and make some popcorn for their concert. No beer tonight, it was a work night, popcorn was fine.

Oh misery, oh misery

Tell me why does my heart make a fool of me

Seems it's my destiny

For love to cause me misery

Why did her heart make a fool out of her? A love fool for Sara Sidle. A love misery for the last weeks, months. She felt bad because she was in love, an unreturned love. And her love caused the misery with her parents. So yes, it was about time to get out of this misery.

And oh, I've been down this road before

With a passion it turns into pain

And each time I saw love walk out the door

I swore I never get caught again

Yeah, how many times did she promise herself not to fall in love again? Not to fall for somebody, who'd break her heart. Every time she got disappointed again, she made this promise to herself and so far she failed to keep it. All right, Sara never hurt her, never did anything to hurt her, not with intentions, she only hurt Sofia because she didn't know better, had no idea about the feelings of the brunette for her. She never lied to the blonde.

But ain't it true, it takes what it takes

And sometime we get too smart to leave

One more heartache for me

Another night of misery, oh

Was she too smart to leave? You could see it this way. She knew, as long as she loved Sara, there was no space for somebody else. Like she thought a few minutes ago, it made no sense to go to the second best one, when you knew the best one for yourself. There was no chance to get happy when you didn't have, what you wanted. So yes, she'd have Sara over soon, spend time with her, as a friend, sit next to her, not have her in her arms, not allowed to kiss her. All she had were her dreams about the brunette and another night of misery.

She so had to talk to her!

Note of author: I just realized I forgot to post two chapters, so when the story is over, I re-post it with the two missing chapters