Bijoux: Finally completed your praised Christmas special Some Dude!
Hope you and everyone else who reads this enjoys it too...
um...yeah...just a warning, the end of this story will kinda turn into
a cheap version of a songfic...so um...yeah...ignore my pitiful
attempts...
I don't own Christmas...Santa Clause...the grinch, Jak and Daxter...or Walking on Air, by someone I don't know...or the Snow Man movie...and Corad owns the story, "Cry of the Wolf"...but don't read it coz my stories are better and...(Corad: (gives Bijoux death glare)...die...)...um...yeah...after the story I will...
Palace
Stories – In our opinion, Praxis would literally crush
Christmas 15 times before the Grinch even looked at his calendar…
Ah Christmas, the time of giving, the time of decorating, the time that Baron Praxis dreamed of most…
Praxis was currently alone in the palace lounge room, decorating the large tree.
"Ah, my precious Christmas tree, nothing will ever take you away from me…" Praxis muttered as he turned from the tree and bent down to reach into a box of decorations. Little did he know, his 'daughter' would knock the tree out the large open window behind it.
And yes, it was all becoming reality as Praxis' fat Baron ass knocked the tree backwards and out the window.
Praxis turned again, holding a line of tinsel in his hands. He screamed as he saw no tree, quickly darting towards the open window, where he saw the tree, slowly becoming more out of reach, before it landed with a thud on Santa's head down below the Palace.
Their was an uproar of child like screams from below, and Praxis knew that he was now a fugitive, he would have to flee from his own Baron now…or Praxis would surely kill him…
"Oh no…Erol and Ashelin just went to all the trouble to hire Santa to ask the children what they wanted for Christmas outside my palace…and now he's dead…and it's all my daughter's fault! SHAME ON YOU!" Praxis screamed as he backed away from the window, and curved his butt out so he could see it clearly enough.
"Aww…how could I stay mad at you…?" Praxis soon said, deciding that the enclosed flab range had learnt it's lesson, though it had no brain…or did it…with all the metal on his head, his brain may have had to be relocated to a place with all the same protection…flab was probably next best thing, not that their was much of a brain to save…
Praxis soon began panicking, realizing that the only way to redeem himself to his lordship Baron Praxis, was to become Santa…
And so, he left the palace, casually walking up to the horrid splat filled Santa mess, and the horrid face expressions of children, almost in tears as they clung to each other, their parents, or their automatic pork grinders.
"It's alright everyone…I'm assessing the damage report…and yes I may make it worse…but have no fear, because he's already dead anyway…I couldn't possibly make it any wor—(splat)…uh-oh…" Praxis mumbled as he looked down to see that he had stood on Santa's face, causing what appeared to be a chipped tooth and a nosebleed.
Now, Praxis being the utter moron that he was, didn't even think that maybe the groan of protest meant that Santa wasn't dead, nor did he ever come to the conclusion that this Santa wasn't even the real one, on the count of his beard pulled off easily, and had straps to it. But no, Praxis was too dumb to realize that Erol and Ashelin had hired a fake for the job, that he had specifically requested the real Santa do.
And so, after about 5 more minutes of screaming coming from the children that seemed to refuse to move, Praxis had robbed 'Santa' of his uniform and beard. He folded the costume up and went back inside the Palace.
Just when the children thought that the torment was over, Praxis shoved his head through the door again, threatening the children to get off his 'lawn' before he called the guard then set the hose on them, soaking their red uniforms, and zapping guns.
And as Praxis walked towards the elevator a thought hit him…children didn't even exist in Haven city anymore…meh…this story is exaggerated anyway…nobody's that fat! (Points to Corad in distance…not that she looks too far away…geez, let go of the chips Fatman…let go of the chips!).
Praxis went on a raiding spree to find Erol, Ashelin and Veger. He soon found them, confabing (conversing) about how stupid some guy named Praxis was, and that he was only gonna get worse, the fatter he seemed to get.
"Oh…um…hi father…we were…just talking about you…" Ashelin sweat-dropped as her father approached them, a partly guilty look played on his face as he looked around the room to make sure no one unwanted was listening in on them. He counted 10 guards, but really couldn't stuffed moving them, so out came the remote control bulldozer, pushing them out the hallway, though they didn't struggle, and barely even noticed that they were moving away from their posts anyway.
After the bulldozer had carried the guards far, far to the north…wait! Get outta here old geezer bomb! (Hurls brick towards Samos, Samos levitates away screaming like a little girl).
Anyways, after the bulldozer had carried the guards far, far to the north, they soon were being 'meddled' with by Gol…how…for some reason is still alive and well…(coughs)…um yeah…Praxis turned to the others, the guilty look still plastered on his face.
"Are you okay…?" Ashelin asked as she frowned at Praxis who shook his head before leaning in closer.
"I…killed…Santee Clause…" Praxis whimpered. Ashelin and Erol immediately exchanged nervous glances towards each other.
"Okay…and how did you do that…?" Veger asked, getting the impression from Erol and Ashelin that Praxis had not actually obliterated the real Santa.
"Well…my daughter knocked the tree out the window…but coz she's so attached to me, it was kinda my fault too…but anyways, the tree hit Santee Clause and his splattered all over the pavement…" Praxis explained to the others.
"But sir…that wasn't--" Erol was cut off when Praxis began again, this time sounding more stern and heroic.
"But I do have a plan…I will redeem myself by becoming Santa Clause, and just to prove that I will not have any favoritism, I will personally strangle the Easter Bunny, and it will be death by vacuum cleaner for the Tooth Fairy…" Praxis declared heroically, "Now, you two will be my elves…while you Veger, get to be Mrs. Clause…"
Everyone, especially Veger, looked shocked at their new 'jobs', as Praxis turned on his fat heel and disappeared down the hall and around a corner.
As Erol and Ashelin were now officially declared as elves, they decided that their job was to get the presents, though they did it rather reluctantly just as they had when they were sent to get Santa Clause.
The two had decided that they couldn't just force Santa to come help the Baron with his popularity contest, so they hired some fat guy off the street and bought him a costume to wear, along with a sack of candy to give the children, as a treat of Christmas spirit.
They weren't sure to feel relieved or scared right now, as the real Santa was still alive and well, but now the citizens of the city would have to suffer the mere consequences of Praxis' ass being far too fat for comfort…
Veger was left alone in the hallway after that, not really knowing what the heck Mrs. Clause was supposed to even do. He decided that he's just go live life as normal, before Praxis declared that he needed 'Mrs. Clause's' help.
Time soon passed, and it was no sooner Christmas eve. It was about 5:30pm, and Praxis was getting his sleigh ready for take off.
"Now let's see, we have Dasher, Dancer, Prancer," Praxis said as he ticked off the names of his 'reindeer' as he walked along the line guards on cruisers, wearing fake reindeer antlers, "Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen…and Ru-wait…WHERE'S RUDOLPH!" Praxis roared, realizing that there was no red nose in this crowd of guards.
"Um…I'm right here sir…" a guard next to Praxis said, as he waved his arm a bit, to get his Baron's attention.
"No you're not! Where's the red nose!" Praxis boomed angrily as spit flew from his mouth and covered the guard slightly.
The guard's uniform now glinted in the sunlight, as his face turned to a pout.
"But sir…I can't help that…" The guard mumbled sadly as he looked at the ground with shame, and tears on his face.
"Well luckily, we can fix that…MRS. CLAUSE! Get my red lipstick!" Praxis boomed.
Veger soon appeared next to Praxis, he handed him the small canister of lipstick.
"Thank you wife…" Praxis said plainly as he dismissed Veger.
'Rudolph' looked at Praxis expectantly as he took the lid of the stick, and began to ascend the small red cylinder.
"Now, time to do something I should've thought about a long time ago…" Praxis gruffly said before he ascended his fist and punched the guard square in the nose, causing his nose to turn painfully red.
The guard ran round clutching his face, while his fellows tried to help calm him. Praxis stood somewhat in the background, while applied his lipstick, soon becoming satisfied with the work before he waddled over to 'Cupid' and kiss his cheek, stating that it would give affect.
'Cupid' resisted the urge to spew as he tried to look at the damage on his left cheek, but failed miserably.
Ashelin and Erol soon appeared on the roof and were loading a large sack of presents into the back of Praxis hellcat. Praxis was adjusting a set of harnesses that had been placed on the guards, and connected onto his hellcat.
The time was now 7pm. As expected, 'Rudolph' had calmed down and was massaging his nose, trying to make it better, though it was probably broken, and still remained bright red.
The other 'reindeer' were living up to the song, and were making fun of their red nosed companion. 'Cupid', however, was also receiving quit a beating, as he was not allowed to wipe the kiss mark off of his cheek. He could only pout while the others ridiculed him.
Half and hour passed, and it was now that they had to sit and wait until it reached 10 to 12. It was a daunting task, with no bathroom breaks, unless you were Praxis of course. Erol and Ashelin had been forced to see Praxis off, though they really did not want to.
The hours had finally passed, and it was time to 'set sail' as Praxis liked to call it. So off they flew, Erol, Ashelin and Veger regrettably waving at the disappearing Baron in a hellcat, attached to 9 reluctant guards on cruisers.
They stopped at the first house, and Praxis looked at the list he had constructed before departure. The first name was, Timmy, yes Timmy, how Praxis hated him…but still he was Santa, and Timmy had been a good boy to the other citizens. So Praxis sadly forced himself to give up his revenge plotting, and forcefully pushed himself down the entrance of the chimney, partly getting stuck and complaining of heart failure half way there.
Alas Praxis managed to reach the bottom, and hurled 2 presents under the tree, before he got a plate of cookies off the mantle, careful to make any sound, as he ate them rather piggishly. He then reached for the milk; he scoffed before pulling out a bottle of brandy, and whirled a bit of it into the white liquid, before he gulped it down in one go.
"Now, time for a quiet exit…" Praxis whispered as he put the glass back on the mantle next to the empty plate of cookies. Just as Praxis stuck his head into the chimney, he let loose, what could've possibly been the loudest belch in the history of eva…
It rumbled and echoed up the chimney, surely waking up the citizens of the household of Timmy.
"Ooops…" Praxis mumbled before he quickly scurried back up the chimney, hopping back into his hellcat once he had reached the surface.
It was soon an hour later, and the 'sled' had reached the Underground. Praxis glared before him.
"Boys, drop the load…" Praxis hissed as a compartment opened below his hellcat, unleashing a rather large and uncalled for pile of coal onto the underground roof. The coal broke through the roof and managed to destroy half the Underground, while Praxis disappeared into the distance.
Praxis gazed at his list as he neared the next house, he was now up to a girl named Samantha. Little did he know that he wouldn't reach Samantha's house without a fight.
"Baron Praxis! You naughty little boy! Pull over right this instance!" A voice called out as a whip collided with Praxis' face.
"HEY!" Praxis hissed as he rubbed his left cheek. He looked across from him and saw him…yes HIM…The Santee Clause…
"Not on your life old man! This is my job now!" Praxis roared back, ushering the guards on by raising and lowering the reins with a fast speed.
"Oh yeah!" Santa Clause screamed back as his sled came in close range of Praxis' hellcat, scraping the side of it a bit.
Praxis yelped with fear, panic seeping into his expression as he tried to usher the guards faster still.
"Back of you old fart! This house is mine!" Praxis roared as he jumped off the side of his hellcat while it was in mid air. Praxis screamed as he clung to the present in his hands.
He landed smack bang into the chimney, however, he managed to get full of stuck, and was incapable of breaking free, until the fire brigade was called in to help.
Santa was gone by the time they arrived, probably fixing any damage and finishing the rest of the houses before the sun rose high into the air.
And so, Praxis was free within about 4 hours, and he was sent to bed for the remainder of the early morning hours. He awoke at about 10:30 and clambered out of bed, and to the lounge room where Ashelin, Erol and Veger were all seated around the tree, opening presents.
Praxis seated his fat arse on the ground…yes his ass had been the cause of all this, and quite frankly, he was hating it right now, but he decided that it got it's punishment, by having to bear the rim of the chimney he got severely stuck in. It was just those extra 300 cookies that did it really.
"Merry Christmas father…" Ashelin said as she pushed a present towards Praxis. Praxis took the present willingly and began to tear the wrapping away.
"Yay! You got me a 'My Little Pony!" Praxis happily cheered as he cuddled the small pony to his face.
"These are from us two…" Erol said as he pushed two presents towards Praxis, one from him, the other from Veger.
Praxis opened these, to find a beer brewing kit, and a cheeseburger brewing kit. Erol, Ashelin and Veger all received lawn mowers from Praxis, and other presents from Santa- the real Santa.
Praxis sulked, knowing very well that he did not get a present from Santee Clause.
"There's one here for you father…" Ashelin said as she handed a Praxis a small present, with a note attached.
The note read:
Dear Baron Praxis,
You are a very bad boy and thus are receiving coal, this is because in the time span of 1 and a bit days you almost killed someone, broke someone else's nose, forcefully removed 10 innocent people from a room, kissed an innocent person and probably poisoned them, destroyed the underground when they did nothing naughty, broke someone's chimney, sprayed toxic vehicle gas all over the city, woke up a whole family of 3 with a large, uncalled for belch, called me, Saint Nick, names, disobeyed my orders, and completely wasted the fire brigade's time. Not to mention all those rampages you have caused throughout this year…and quite frankly, I'm blaming you for Bijoux's utter stupidity, and inability to leave innocent authors alone…
Thank you for at least trying, though you gave boys girls' presents, and gave girls men's underwear…for some strange reason or another…
From the now un-jolly Saint Nick.
Praxis finished reading the letter and gazed down at the present. He took the wrapping paper away to see the sight of a large chunk of coal.
This angered Praxis…and yes…it started…a rampage…(horror music starts up in background).
"Oh yeah! Well coal isn't so bad!" Praxis screamed as he got the coal and threw it into the fireplace nearby. He then used the fire tongs to get the coal out; he then used it to fuse the three mowers he had bought, together.
"I'LL SHOW YOU NAUGHTY OLD MAN!" Praxis spat as he jumped on the mower, mechanical mess he had created, and drove away from the lounge room, and soon out the Palace.
Torn was heading over to the Naughty Ottsel, to spend Christmas there, after the Underground had been mysteriously destroyed during the night. Little did the tattooed man know, that this Christmas was about to get worse…
"DIE GRINCH!" Torn heard Praxis scream, Torn looked behind him to see Praxis chasing after him on some form of ultra mower.
Torn screamed when he realized that he was being called the grinch.
He began to run as Praxis chased after him.
"What is you problem man! You're tryin to kill me, even on Christmas you lunatic!" Torn screamed with part anger, part fear as he ran for his life.
"Merry Christmas Torn!" Jak called as Torn ran past, "Merry Christmas Praxis!"
"Shuddup Jak!" Torn screamed back, angrily.
"Merry Christmas Jak!" Praxis yelled back happily and enthusiastically, as he waved behind him.
Jak waved back, not really caring that out of the two Haven city Grinches, his friend was the Grinchyer one…
And so the rampage raved on. Praxis was still screaming out insults, as Torn ran for his life, trying to convince Praxis that rampaging on Christmas would not help his publicity at all.
"SHUT UP GRINCHY GRINCH! I know what you're planning! You're planning on ruining Christmas for everyone! Especially Torn! You'll dress up as Santee Clause, give everyone bogus presents! Call the real Santee Clause names! Get coal for a present! THEN GO ON A RAMPAGE AFTER TORN, TORN! YOU'LL ACCUSE HIM OF BEING THE GRINCH WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS, WHEN YOU STOLE CHRISTMAS!" Praxis aggressively screamed in front of him, as he shook his fat fist threateningly at the tattooed wonder.
"Shut up ya fat moron!" Torn screamed back as he glared over his shoulder at the fat Grinch of Christmas.
Yes it was a horrid site to behold for the citizens of Haven City…but then…then something…miraculous happened…yes…it was a miracle, as the mower Praxis was riding just…mysteriously took flight, and began to float towards the high sky above.
"Wow…it's a miracle…" Daxter quoted as he appeared next to Torn who was standing in the middle of the street, speechless.
"DIE TORN! DIE!" Praxis screamed as he levitated further away. It would seem that the incredibly fat man had no idea that he was floating away, and thought that he was still on the ground, chasing Torn.
Just then, a song started up in the background…yes…it was that song from Raymond Briggs' "The Snowman" movie…except Bijoux (the ignorant pig) had screwed up some of the words to better match the moment…
We're driving in the air
We're floating in the fat filled sky
The people far below are cheering as we fly
Praxis floated higher, as he finally realized he was in the sky, not the road below, the people were apparently cheering as their Christmas was saved…
I'm holding very tight
I'm riding in the mower- red
I'm finding I can fly so high above with you
Praxis clutched the steering wheel and hunched himself over the mower further, he was now singing the song (in the same tone as the little boy mind you), because Bijoux was so budget, and could only afford the real singer, to sing one verse of the song…sorry guys…(looks at ground shamefully)…
Far across the world
The villages go by like trees
The rivers and the hills
The forest and the streams
Praxis looked fearfully down at the scenario below him. He went across Spargus and Kleiver gave him thumbs up for some reason. He then passed over Haven forest, and the wasteland. Sharok, Skytha, Simron and the wolves from Cry of the Wolf, were all hanging around in the desert. They all saw a large, round shadow pass over them, and collapsed on their knees screaming for mercy, when they realized it was Praxis' shadow.
Idiots gaze open mouth
Taken by surprise
Nobody down below believes their eyes
Praxis passed over Spargus again. Sig was currently asking Damas for a pay rise.
"Yeah right SIG! WHEN PIGS FLY!" Damas laughed, he threw back his head with hysterics, just in time to see Praxis fly past above them."Alright…pay up man…" Sig said as he looked at Damas sternly, one hand on his hip, the other outstretched to take the money.
"YOU PIG!" Damas screamed after Praxis.
We're driving in the air
We're rusting in the frozen sky
We're drifting over icy
Mountains floating by
The "lovable" Baron passed back through Haven City again. He went over the local day care, where the children were having their annual, sculptor your hero in ice contest. Praxis advanced on a figure, which looked very much like a large mountain, the mower's blades coming to close a contact with the figure, churning it to bits…he would never know that it was really a sculpture of him…sitting on the couch with a beer, his massive gut high in the sky…he would never know…that he had a fan…
Suddenly swooping low on an ocean deep
Arousing of a mighty monster from its sleep
Praxis passed over oceans, he swooped toward over the metal head nest, awakening Kor. Kor was angry to be awoken so early (12:30pm). He chased after Praxis angrily…
"You fat imbecile!" the monster form of Kor screamed as he flew after Praxis.
We're driving in the air
We're floating in the fat filled sky
And everyone who sees us greets us as we fly
Praxis floated back through Haven City.
"Go back to hell ya fat moron!" Torn screamed after Praxis. Praxis suddenly stopped dead in his tracks. He reversed the mower back towards Torn, the ending of the song still playing in the background, as the mower made that beeping noise that trucks make when they reverse.
"What was that…? Grinchy Grinch!" Praxis hissed as he came up right next to Torn. Torn growled before another rampage broke out…yes…it was going to be one heavy Christmas…and no doubt, a flabby new year…
THE END…
Bijoux: Mmmm...bones...
Jak:...dude...are feeling okay...?
Bijoux: No...never...mind your own business fatty!
Praxis: (somewhere off screen) I'm over here...(awkward silence breaks out as Damas and Kleiver too respond, waving their arms in the air)...
Sharok: Why are all you people so dumb...?
Everyone but Sharok: I dunno...(shrugs) internet...
Sharok: Okay...please review...it will make Christmas happy...unless Praxis comes to destroy it in reality too...Bijoux also says sorry for any Santa or 'Walking on Air' bashing...
Bijoux: We also wish you a Heavy Chrismas...and a Flabby new year...