"Damn, Commander," Jacob said, appreciatively looking Shepard up and down as she stepped onto the lift. "You on the prowl again already?"
Shepard kept her face impassive. Why couldn't the elevator ever be empty? "Just went out for a chat with Liara," she explained coolly.
"Mm. Another asari, huh?" Jacob replied, his tone loaded.
"What?" Shepard demanded. Maybe she was distracted, but he had caught her off guard. She had no idea what he was talking about.
"I've never seen you dress up to go have a chat with someone," Jacob explained, a smirk on his lips, "except that one time, which I believe Joker later informed me was a date, and last time you came in with that look on your face was Omega– after you had a 'chat' with Aria T'loak, if memory serves."
Shepard raised an eyebrow and tried to smile a little. Jacob was trying to be friendly, after all. "Coincidence, Jacob. And an over-active imagination on your part. I don't screw women. Haven't we had this conversation?"
"Alright, alright. Just observing a trend. But if it helps you keep doing what you're doing, I got no problem with it, Commander."
"Right. Thanks for your support," she sarcastically drawled as the lift arrived at the crew deck and the doors slid open.
"You gotta watch out for asari, though," Jacob continued, following her out. "One of the women in my squad back in my Alliance days got a call a few months after a random hookup on shore leave. It was her one-night-stand telling her she was going to be a father. Completely messed her up."
"Wow, yeah," Shepard said sarcastically, hoping Jacob was on his way to a meeting with Miranda or something and not to the mess. "Because random, unplanned pregnancy really happens in a species that has to merge with another person's nervous system in exactly the right way and under the correct circumstances in order to reproduce."
"Believe what you want, Commander," Jacob said, still hovering at her shoulder as she began rummaging through cupboards. Gardner was always moving the hard rations around. "The asari in question was baby-crazy," Jacob continued, oblivious to Shepard's wish for the conversation to end. "Tibideau was a convenient and attractive victim. She never saw it coming. Her daughter turned out pretty cute, though."
"Well, I guess I'd better screen Liara's calls until I'm sure I didn't knock her up, then. I'd make a terrible father," Shepard drily remarked.
"You'd do the right thing, Shepard," Jacob said with certainty, making her wonder if he actually believed this shit after all.
"Right," Shepard said, her tone flat. "If I ever hear her utter the phrase 'embrace eternity' again, I'll knock her cold and run before I can get her pregnant. Liara will understand. My career comes first. I don't have time to be a father. We done, Jacob?"
Jacob opened his mouth to reply, but his eyes flicked over her shoulder and his smirk turned into a full-blown grin. "Yeah. Just remember– safe sex is good sex."
"Did I just hear that right?" Garrus cut in, his tone and sub-harmonics about as disparate as possible, betraying his veneer of casual calm.
"Well, shit," Shepard cursed, exasperated more than she was embarrassed. Jacob had set her up. On second thought, though, maybe he'd done her a favor. She desperately wanted to know exactly how much Garrus had overheard. Hiding a smirk, she turned to the turian, "Don't be jealous, Garrus. Liara won't leave Illium so she can't be too serious about it."
"Liara? She wants to..." Garrus trailed off, his mandibles drooping– the equivalent of a human's jaw dropping in this case.
"Don't worry, Vakarian," Jacob said, slapping the turian's shoulder good-naturedly. "I think I covered the bases and Shepard's a big girl, she can handle herself."
"No, seriously, Shepard," the turian said, ignoring Jacob entirely. "What did I just hear?"
"Nothing," she replied, giving Jacob a pointed look. He his hands up defensively and retreated to Miranda's office.
"Not nothing. Are you just yanking me around?"
"Thought you said you weren't going to get possessive, Vakarian," she commented. Shepard was already fed up with the topic. He knew she didn't have any interest in women, or asari, and that should be enough. Vengeance for his teasing visit wasn't nearly as satisfying as she hoped it might be, and it wasn't worth the distraction it presented. "It's all wind, Garrus. Please, may I eat in peace?"
Garrus shook his head. "Damn," he said under his breath, his mandibles twitching, but out of the corner of her eye, Shepard couldn't read the movement. "I guess T'soni finally got what she wanted."
"Wait, what?" Shepard demanded, rounding sharply on him. "What the fuck has she been telling you? And no, she didn't get anything, unless what she wanted was an unsolicited visit from me in a bad mood with favors to ask, and half a cigar."
"Is that... some sort of euphemism?" the turian haltingly asked. "Half a cigar? I mean, I know it could be, but... you humans are really strange. Is that how you meant it?"
"What do you think?" she asked, pulling the metal case from her pocket and flicking it open to reveal its contents.
"Well, that's... surprisingly comforting," the turian said, studying the cigars. "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. I finally get that one, now," he said. His sub-harmonics had finally synched with his voice again.
"Good," she said, snapping the case closed and returning her smokes to her pocket. "Now, set my mind at ease. What did she tell you she wants from me?"
"Later, Shepard. It can wait, I've got some priority work to get done. My boss is a slave-driver," Garrus said, one mandible pulling higher than the other. He was laughing at her. "I'm still loving that jacket, by the way," he commented over his shoulder as he headed for the main battery.
"Thanks, asshole," Shepard muttered once he was nearly out of earshot. She wondered why he was going to the main battery to conduct his security sweep, but she didn't really care. Maybe he was just getting some equipment.
"Commander?" Joker's voice sounded over the intercom, interrupting her thoughts. "That was great. You really had him going for a minute, there. Of course, you blew it at the end. Still, points for effort."
"Thanks, Joker. Is there a reason you're eavesdropping on me, or is it just for fun?"
"Uh, well, it's fun, but there's a really pissy asari and two salarians outside the cargo terminal who claim they have a delivery for you. You know anything about that? Because it looks big and I can't stop thinking trap."
"Yeah, I ordered some equipment. Clear them and get the doors open. I'll go meet them in the cargo bay."
"Sure thing, Commander. Joker out."
"Dr. T'soni sends her highest regards," the violet-skinned asari intoned with exaggerated warmth. "Are you sure you don't want my techs to install everything for you?" she offered through gritted teeth.
"I'm sure you have more important things to do," Shepard commented, eager to get this 'pissy asari' off her ship. The woman was obviously indebted to Liara, and loathed her position. "My crew will handle installation," she said with confidence. The shipping manifest contained a note from Liara claiming the trio who delivered the package were trustworthy, but the asari had refused to introduce herself and they all seemed pretty shady.
"Please feel free to contact Dr. T'soni if you have any complaints about our service or the equipment and software. Returns are not accepted on food items. It has been our pleasure to serve you today, Commander Shepard," the asari said, her tone just as forced, but some of the tension and anger was alleviated now that she could leave.
Shepard offered the asari a tight smile and watched the three leave her ship. Food items? What the hell did you send me, Liara? Camouflage for the scrambler, obviously, but food items? Once the cargo doors shut, Shepard scanned the receipt. The delivery contained... a lot of supplies. Also listed was a software patch for her omni-tool for local signal disruption, and a few physical devices that could be installed where she needed privacy most.'In the blue box,' she says, Shepard thought, wondering how long it was going to take to sort through everything in the huge crate to find what she wanted. She deleted the note and the entry about the contents of the blue box, then locked the datapad and set it aside. She unlatched the crate and let the lid clatter to the floor.
A smile crossed her face- the blue box was right on top. She tucked it under her arm and tapped her communicator, "EDI, let Miranda know there's a crate down in the cargo hold that needs to be sorted and entered into the inventory. It's a priority," Shepard added, knowing she was interrupting Miranda's meeting with Jacob. Whatever they were up to, she was happy to disrupt.
"I'll inform her immediately, Commander," the AI promptly replied. If it had been an organic being, Shepard would have said EDI sounded smug.
"Thanks," she replied as an afterthought. If the AI was pleased to be interrupting Miranda with a menial task, it might be wise to do what she could to endear herself to EDI. It would definitely be worth spending some time exploring the AI's protocols. EDI seemed to express emotion quite frequently, and it suddenly occured to Shepard that such expression might not be entirely voluntary. "Maybe try to keep the smirk out of your tone when you tell her, though."
"What do you mean, Commander?" the AI queried after a moment's pause, confirming Shepard's suspicion.
"You sounded self-satisfied when I told you to interrupt Miranda's meeting with Jacob."
"I was unaware. I will analyse this anomaly and address the issue. Thank you for bringing it to my attention, Commander."
"You know, expressing emotion when you speak isn't a bad thing, EDI. It's a good way to interact with organics more naturally," Shepard commented, uncertain that her attempt to influence the AI's priorities would be effective. Worth it if it does, she thought, replacing the shipping crate's lid before turning to leave the cargo hold. "Please log me out, EDI," she requested.
Tali stepped off the lift and glanced down into the shuttle bay. "Shepard?" she mumbled, surprised to see the Commander going through supply crates. The human was dressed differently than usual, too. She looked a lot better in regular clothes than she did in armor, Tali realized with surprise. With a sigh, she got back on the lift and rode it down to let Shepard know what she had found in the loft.
The doors opened and Shepard, her attention on her omni-tool, nearly walked into the quarian mechanic. "Damn. Sorry, didn't see you, Tali."
"It's alright. I finished... my assignment. The top deck is clear, except for the cameras that are part of the Normandy's standard systems. All of them except the one behind the mirror in the bathroom were disconnected, but I fixed them and installed a function that will let you shut everything off up there if you want. It's better for the ship than having the hardware physically disconnected..."
"The bathroom? Tell me you're joking."
"It's part of the medical alert system," the quarian explained. "That AI has only limited access to that series of cameras throughout the ship and there are protocols that prevent any recording. It's supposed to help detect unexpected medical emergencies and alert med bay."
"Great. Except I happen to know that Zaeed has managed to tap into the Normandy's closed circuit cameras."
Tali made a face, which her helmet hid from the commander. Just as well. "Personally, I'd be more worried about the cloaked recording devices I found up there, Shepard," Tali said as she produced one from her pocket, not sure what to say about the grizzled human mercenary's questionable practice. "There was a central transmitter hidden in the control box for the fish tank, but I couldn't trace where it was sending the signal, because as soon as I detected it, the little bosh'tet shut off and destroyed half of its own circuitry."
"If there's anything you can do, do it," Shepard said, growing angrier by the moment. "Cloaked devices make me think of a certain someone. What's the likelihood?"
"Pretty high, Shepard," Tali stated, wondering how Kasumi had gotten into the captain's cabin without being detected. Could the ship's AI be complicit? "Most of what was in your loft was built into the ship, but those were just slapped onto things, other than the transmitter. They'd need pretty frequent battery changes. I'll take some apart and get back to you."
"Good," Shepard said, turning her attention back to whatever she was doing with her omni-tool. "Write up a detailed report and feel free to speculate. I'll tell you when to start on the crew deck." The omni-tool chimed and an error message started flashing, making Shepard curse.
"Got a problem with that thing, Shepard? Looks like you're trying to install some software to modified hardware."
"Yes, I am," the human curtly replied.
"You're, um... I think you're doing it wrong. You probably need to reset the firmware and then..."
"Can you do it?" Shepard demanded, interrupting her. Tali nodded. The human's eyes narrowed for a fraction of a second, then she took a deep breath, "Then take it to Garrus and the two of you can work on it together."
"I can probably handle it on my own, Shepard," she said, wondering why she was arguing with a chance to work with Garrus one-on-one.
"I'm sure you can, Tali," she said, slipping the omni-tool off her wrist, "but I need it fast, and since he knows what he modified, I want you to at least talk to him."
Tali took the 'tool. "Of course," she said with a nod and a huge grin she was glad Shepard couldn't see, but the way the human cocked one eyebrow at her made her wonder.
"He's working on something for me, so make sure he knows this is my top priority or he'll probably make you wait. Anything else, Tali?"
"Not a thing, Commander. I'll go see Garrus right away."
A/N: Short, late chapter. Sorry. Twelve hour road trip, unpacking, and writer's block (aka: I hate this time of year and can't find the motivation to do much of anything) are to blame. Next two chapters need some finishing touches, but they should be up within a few days.