Twenty-Six.
When he got back from his ride, Hiccup was exhausted, aching and light-headed. And Gothi was waiting for him, watching his antics with a disappointed scowl. He jumped off Toothless and his left leg buckled immediately, only just catching himself. His head bowed and his hand was clamped onto Toothless's saddle for support. Gothi scratched a series of symbols in the dirt and the boy stared dully. His head was spinning and he was starting to feel sick. Astrid saw him turn white and grabbed his arm before he could fold and she hastily bundled him back onto Toothless.
"Get him into the house!" she snapped and the Night Fury obeyed, taking the boy to the bed and carefully shrugging the exhausted boy onto the bed. He gave a weak smile as he landed and lay on his side, breathing hard.
"Sorry," he mumbled. "I may've overdone it…"
"Which is exactly what Gothi just said!" Astrid told him, following with the Elder. "Hiccup-you were unconscious for THREE WEEKS! And you just woke up-and guess what? You went flying straight away. You even wanted to go out without eating!" Hiccup glanced up and read genuine concern about him and gave a watery smile.
"Gee, Astrid-I never knew you cared…" he murmured. She punched his shoulder and he yelped.
"Ow!" he said. "What the…?" You promised you wouldn't hurt me!
"That's for scaring me!" she told him, her tone concerned. You will never know how scared I was that you would die and I would never be able to tell you how sorry I was-and how much I want to make it up to you!
"Is-is it always going to be this way?" he asked her in a hurt voice. He was still aching from his crash and that had really hurt! He grabbed the bruised area tenderly.
"What do you think all this is about?" she snapped. "What did I promise when you took me on that first flight? I said I was your friend. I hope…hope you realise that I am your friend and I am so, so sorry about how I treated you before…" He rolled slightly to face her and he inspected her closely. There were about a hundred ways he could respond: anger, disappointment, bitterness, sorrow…or he could be Hiccup. He blinked and then focussed his shining green eyes on her.
"I can't pretend that the way you ignored and treated me for years didn't hurt, Astrid, because it did," he said to her softly. She stiffened, fear flashing in her cerulean gaze: he hasn't forgiven me… "And when Dragon Training happened, you were absolutely horrible and cruel to me. I honestly don't know what I did wrong. All I did was what were supposed to-for once. And you found out about Toothless and threatened to tell my Dad." He found he was breathing hard and his voice was growing louder. She had beaten him up then as well. Oh gods, he shouldn't have thought of that. That horrific night when she had half-killed him. He swallowed and forced himself to be calm. He could see Astrid was trembling.
Astrid-trembling? Wow-this was far more important than he had guessed-to both of them. And it made his honesty all the more important.
"But I fell in love with you when I was ten, Astrid," he said quietly, his tone wistful. "At that time, you still looked at me like I wasn't a piece of yak dung and when I made your axe, I did it for my friend. I made the best damned weapon I have ever made, before or since. When you never said anything, I wondered if you were ashamed that I had made it and I said nothing. But it became clear you just despised me. Though I never stopped loving you and wanting you, one day, to treat me like…a friend. And when you found Toothless, you were vulnerable and Toothless really wanted to drop you. But I would never harm you. I wanted you to be my friend, even then."
Toothless-what are you doing? We need her to like us!
"But you changed on that flight. Maybe you saw that there was at least one thing I could do without being Hiccup the Useless." His tone had grown sarcastic and she blushed. She had never used the name but she knew it had eaten at him over the years. "And you were with me when we saw what we were facing. You allowed me to face the final exam in my own way-and you stood by me when it all went catastrophically wrong." He sighed. "And you made me believe in myself when I had given up and accepted my fate. You gave me the impetus, the courage to do something crazy…" And they both smiled.
"Hiccup…" she said softly. He sighed.
"Please, let me finish, Astrid," he said wearily. "I guess, what I'm trying to say-eventually-is that my life has been horrible but I never really stopped loving you and I'm grateful and happy you are in my life now. I will never forget what you did to me, Astrid and I'm not sure if I can every truly trust you. Maybe one day…
But think I will forgive you, Astrid. I almost did on that flight. I just hope…maybe…we can be…friends?"
Nothing more. The yearning for his first love was still there but could he ever forgive someone who had hurt him so badly enough for that level of trust, of vulnerability? He didn't know the answer. His heart was screaming at him to give her the chance…maybe one day. But every protective instinct reminded him of that night and the dark side to Astrid that he had to fear.
But friendship…he really hoped that she wanted to be his friend. She had demonstrated since she met Toothless who she really was. The little note of hope in his voice was heart-breaking as he stared into his eyes. She had kissed him after that flight-presumably a once in a lifetime event, spent three weeks at his side as he lay unconscious (though, of course, he had no way of knowing that) and risked banishment for speaking with him when shunned but there was still the horribly scarred and beaten down boy inside who still doubted that she would want to be his friend. She took a step forward and took his hand.
"You idiot!" she told him simply. "I am your friend. I will always be there for you. And if you think anything else, you're stupider than you look!" There was an uncertain flash in his green eyes so she grabbed his tunic, hauled him forward and pecked a brief kiss on his lips. When she pulled away, his eyes were astonished and he was scarcely breathing. As she inspected him, he pulled back again and swallowed, his cheeks flaring scarlet.
"I see," he murmured. "Much better than being punched!" She dropped him back and he exhaled sharply. "OOF! Why is it always violence with you?" he complained lightly. She felt happier that he felt enough confidence to try to tease her: it was a new experience that she could get used to-because she knew his words were always underpinned with genuine affection. She perched on the bed.
"By the way," she said quietly, brushing the hair self-consciously out of her eyes, "I-erm-kinda read your journal while you were unconscious." His eyes suddenly flared with anxiety and he sighed.
"Oh," he said in a small voice. All the happiness seemed to have abruptly leached from his face. She shook her head.
"It wasn't like that!" she protested. "If I hadn't we wouldn't have known that Toothless's saliva can heal-and you would have died." He looked at her.
"Erm…did you show my Dad…?" he asked and then saw the answer in her eyes. He looked away again. "Oh gods," he murmured. "What-what part of private don't you understand?"
She dropped her head and looked ashamed. Astrid-ashamed? This certainly was a day of new experiences. Maybe he was dead after all.
"You-you were so sick and I was sitting up all night with you," she said. "I found it in your vest." He paused: he had been allowed to grab a couple of things from his home before he had been thrown out. In true Hiccup the Useless style, he had grabbed his journal, a charcoal and his belt knife. No food, warm clothing or bedding. "I just started reading…to try to get to know you better because I wondered if that was all I could do if we lost you."
He blinked. He hadn't really considered how sick he had been, how close to dying. He rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment.
"I read how awful things were for you, how alone you felt…how you really felt that you dying would be better for everyone." He sighed and felt the pressure of tears behind his eyes: he really didn't need reminding. It was too soon, to close to that raw pain to fight it off. Her words just brought it all back. But she took his hand in hers and pulled it close to her chest. "Don't you EVER think anything like that again!" she told him fiercely. "If you need someone to talk to or moan to or just be with-I am here." She heard the grumble of the Night Fury, who had stationed himself at the end of the bed. "Someone human," she amended with an apologetic smile to the dragon. Then she stared into his face and saw his eyes widen with surprise at her anger. But he still looked forlorn and she knew a few hours of being accepted wouldn't undo years of rejection. She knew what she had to tell him-and keep telling him every day until he believed it.
"You aren't Useless, Hiccup. You aren't unwanted. You aren't a screw-up. And you are loved. The whole village has been waiting to hear of your recovery. Have you seen the place?" She waved an arm around the house. "It's packed with gifts for YOU! Your Dad and you have invitations for supper for the next two months from every family in the town! They all realise how much they owe you and are trying-in their own stupid way-to make amends. As am I." He pulled her hand to his face and kissed it.
"Thanks, Milady," he murmured. "You don't know how much that means to me." She scowled. "Oh-kay…maybe you do…" he sighed. Then Gothi tapped him curtly with her staff. She had stood patiently during the entire exchange because it was something she needed to see. But now she needed to do her job. She scratched on the floor and Astrid peered at the runes.
"And Gothi says you need to rest because you have only just woken from a three week coma, you need to eat more because you are absolutely a walking fishbone now and she needs to see your stump because it needs tending," she read. He sighed.
"It does hurt," he admitted. More scratching.
"It will," Astrid read. "You will have to learn to walk properly again and deal with the pressure on the damaged stump. You will suffer phantom pains which can be excruciating-ask Gobber. I have a numbing lotion which will help. It was badly infected so the scar tissue will take longer to settle and will be worse than usual. All of this will delay your recovery but I have no doubt you will walk and run again as well as before."
"Which says it all about my abilities before," Hiccup murmured sarcastically. Gothi whacked him with her staff. He yelped. "Ow! That won't really help my recovery." Scratching.
"Don't interrupt!" Astrid read. She looked up and shared a glance with the boy. Both tried not to laugh. "Now-show me the leg!" Hiccup sighed and sat up, his inexpert fingers tugging up his leggings to reveal the padded cup over his truncated leg and fumbling with the unfamiliar straps of the prosthesis. He leaned close to Astrid as he managed to get them free.
"Astrid? She's scratched right into the floor boards! What am I going to tell my Dad?"