Our Ghosts Are The Same

Dragon Age 2

Chapter 26: Why Is Murder Our First Choice

A/N: Who else binge watched OITNB?

"How is murder going to help exactly?" Varric wasn't against popping a few bolts into bodies, but Hawke's plan seemed, ah, detrimental to everything she had done thus far. If she had planned to kill the Warden from the get go she didn't need to wait for their help. Evidently Cousland was laying helpless in bed, mentally trapped in the fade by some guilt demon. Taking him out would be a relatively simple task. All Hawke really needed was a good, firm pillow.

"Well, sit down, ladies and gentlemen and also Varric, because you're about to receive an education." Hawke waited for everyone to actually sit down and all she got were a bunch of unamused glares. "Fine. I'll explain it anyway. Now remember when a few of us went into the fade to help that Dreamer boy? Hate to bring that up again but do you remember what happened when I had to kill the pair of you? You woke up, safe and sound, and out of the fade. If you were mages it would have been very, very different but that's neither here nor there. Cousland isn't a mage." Her friends could now see where she was going with this and not a one seemed for it. "I get in there, the fade, and kill Cousland...no more problems. Demon can't feed off him anymore and we can get the fuck outta Highever. It's a happy ending for everybody! A bit anti-climatic, perhaps, for Varric's taste, but..."

"And what if, kitten," Isabela drawled, her tone joking but her words serious, "what if that big brute ends up killing you?"

She was awfully calm about the whole thing. "I'll be Tranquil."

Isabela sighed for a long time. "Yes, I guessed that and I feel like you should be a tad more concerned. This man we're talking about killed the Arch-demon, remember?"

"I've heard that, yeah."

"And if he kills you you'll be one of those-"

"Tranquil," Hawke repeated firmly. "Which, if that happens, Maker forbid, you'll have to kill Cousland. Won't have a choice at that point and we have to cut off this demon's power source somehow. Oh!" She perked up as if suddenly remembering something important. "You'll have to kill me, too." Hawke laughed. "I do not want to live on as Tranquil. Can you imagine the smug look on Meredith's face? Ugh!"

Her plan was not well received. "Then why don't we simply kill him now? Why risk... This isn't a plan," Fenris argued, standing and allowing Isabela's arm to slip off him. "This is idiotic."

"Why can't it be both?" Hawke shrugged. "Besides, I'll be fighting him in the fade. That's more my territory than the Warden's."

Isabela raised a single brow. "I? Don't you mean we'll be fighting the Warden in the very spooky fade? You're not going to go this alone."

"She has a point, Hawke," Fenris added bluntly.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Hawke took a step back. "I am definitely going alone. What if this demon pulls the same shit that Pride and Desire demon did back in Kirkwall. I can't fight a war on two fronts, if you understand my meaning."

"Ouch." Varric sided with a now shameful Fenris and stated so openly. "I don't think you've been getting near enough sleep, Hawke, if this is what we're resorting to. Maybe the elf has a point."

Hawke's eyes flashed angrily and she hissed through her teeth, "No, I'm not going to be known for murdering the damned Hero of Ferelden. No, thanks. How does Aveline say it? Not while I breathe."

"Excuse me?" Merrill piped up, raising a hand and waving it about to attract everyone's attention. "Perhaps, Hawke, you should let me look around. The Dalish might-"

"Right!" Hawke interrupted brightly. "I'll need you to recreate the Dalish ritual your Keeper used back in Kirkwall. You're basically the most important part!"

Merrill's hand slowly lowered. "That really isn't what I meant..." Varric patted her arm sympathetically. "We know you tried, Daisy."

Hawke had headed for the door and was motioning for all of them to follow. "I need to check on a few things, give a couple orders, bust a few ranks...it's all a little surreal, being in charge, but Anora said if I didn't fix this people would assume I was responsible. Or that she would make sure people assumed I was responsible. It was all very unclear."

She left and her friends lagged behind a bit further than they normally would have. Fenris found his way to Varric's side in a matter of seconds. His words were a rushed, bitter whisper. "We're not going to let her attempt this suicidal-"

"Hey, I'm on your side on this one, Broody." Varric watched Hawke wander down the halls of the Cousland's castle. While, he guessed he'd call that walk wandering rather than stumbling back and forth while attempting to look in control. "I think our Champion is in a little too deep here."

"I would say so."

Hawke led them to the main hall where what remained of the guards struggled against a group of shades. Carver and the other wardens were there as well and while Ohgren stopped fighting long enough to wave hello, Carver screamed at them to get off their asses and help.

Hawke quickly charged forward and it became painfully obvious from the way she staggered around as she fought that rest was needed and fast. When the demons were dispatched Hawke went from man to man and made certain there were no casualties. "Get some sleep. The next batch will be coming soon."

Carver quickly found the group while his sister was distracted. He looked confused at their appearance, though a little relieved. "Should have known you'd all show up eventually. You arrived just in time for things to completely go to shit but that's not really a surprise."

"Hello, Carver!" Merrill's bright voice wiped Carver's bitter expression away in an instant.

"Oh. Merrill." Carver's cheeks flushed but to his credit the color disappeared quicker than it would have before. "I-"

"We don't have time for your awkward attempts at flirting, Carver." His sister had returned and pointed towards a man lying on his back and groaning dramatically. "He's calling for you. Thinks he has the blight which I told him was impossible. Won't take my word for it, but it's understandable considering he broke his left wrist and I, uh, healed the other one."

"Maker, Sister," Carver grumbled and stomped away. Hawke returned to her friends. "Fenris, Isabela," Hawke said while she took Isabela's hands in hers. "Would you stay here and help Carver? The demons congregate in here, trying to reach the rest of the castle. It's our main line of defense but I can't stay to defend it. Could-"

"You will buy all my drinks. Forever," Isabela told her.

"Well, that's one way to go bankrupt," Hawke decided before adding, "And thank you."

Fenris seemed loathe to leave her. He frowned or deepened his frown. "Don't do anything-"

"Don't do anything stupid without you?" Hawke guessed. "Don't worry. I'll save all the stupid for you. I mean for when you get there. Uh. You know what I-"

He stopped her stammering. Weeks apart and she still couldn't just talk to him. "I understand."

"Okay," Hawke returned and yawned loudly, her jaw cracking from the strain. "Maker, I'm exhausted. I'm barely resisting this demon myself which makes any unexpected trips into the fade, also known as nap time, very inconvenient." The mage leaned against Isabela for support, resting her chin on the pirate's shoulder. "Very, very inconvenient," Hawke continued, her voice gradually growing quieter as she mumbled against Isabela's skin.

"Looks like I'm the one being inconvenienced," Isabela pointed out dryly. She waited for the witty retort that they were all sure was to come. There was nothing. "Hawke? Oh, Maker, I think she fell asleep on me."

"Let her," Varric suggested. "I don't think she's gotten any since this whole mess started."

Isabela made a pained face, but tried her best to remain still anyway. Once Hawke started drooling, though, it was a whole 'nother story. "Okay, okay, we need to move her to a bed or something that is not me."

"Here." Fenris took Hawke gently by the shoulders and tried to settle her down on the floor without waking her. It didn't work. She startled, throwing up her hands to cover her face. Still hanging on to her, Fenris said quietly, "Hawke?"

Her mutterings grew louder, bordering on the hysterical. "I should have known. Why didn't I know? I hurt you. Just like he did. Just like him."

Fenris pushed her away from him, panicked. Her hands fell from her face and, her eyes glassy, focused on him. "I'm so fucking sorry. I fucked up. I really fucked up." He watched in horror as Hawke rushed him, more apologies spilling from her mouth. Some of them didn't make any sense and Fenris wanted none of them.

"Hawke, stop that." He backpedaled faster until his back hit a wall. "Stop."

Hawke only stopped when her brother grabbed her from behind and started tugging her away. "Who let her sleep?" he asked, more tired than angry. Carver spun her around and shook her until she started to wake up. "You're making everyone uncomfortable."

Her voice was soft and slow. "You and Bethany looked just like Mother. I'm so sorry that I-"

Carver made a disgusted face and gave her another shake. "You start that again and I'm going to dunk you in a watering trough."

That seemed to reach her. "I'm up, I'm up!" Hawke protested, prying his hands off her. She stood alone for a minute, lightly slapping her cheeks while taking deep breaths. She stood up straight and added, "I've got everything completely under control but, uh, what just happened?"

"No one say anything," Varric ordered, while everyone looked around uncomfortably. "Hawke, you with us now? You awake?"

"Probably," Hawke shrugged, wiping sleep from her eyes. "Carver, pinch me to make sure."

"I'm not going to do that."

She was convinced. "Yep, I'm awake. Not sure why everyone's refusing to make eye contact with me but I'm going to just pretend it's not happening."

There was awkward silence until Varric approached her, trying to get everyone past that uncomfortable little show. "Can we move on? I had the feeling you were about to do something magey."

She was looking at Fenris, frowning. Hawke faked a grin as she turned back to him. "Something very magey. Come on."

Varric sighed and followed, an equal mixture of nervous and curious. His trigger finger was feeling very itchy.

"Why are we..." Varric had to stop for another breath. Hawke glared back at him impatiently. How Daisy and Hawke kept up their perky enthusiasm for climbing he'd never understand. "Climbing so many damn stairs?"

"I wanted to keep Aedan-"

"You two are on a first name basis now? Nobody's on a first name basis with you."

Hawke growled childishly at her friend. "That's because... It's only because there's two Couslands here. It'd be confusing if I only used surnames... Don't read into it!"

Varric raised his hands in defense before lowering them to prop himself up on his knees. He had to catch his breath. "So, back to my first question then. Where are all these stairs going to?"

"I wanted to keep Aedan as far away from where the demon originated. I don't know whether distance makes a difference but I'm ready to try anything."

"Like murder?" Merrill piped up in her mind helpfully.

"Like fade murder," Hawke corrected.

Varric huffed, unimpressed. "Cool phrasing but still murder."

If Hawke had an answer to that she never gave it. They had reached the final flight of stairs and the top floor was blocked off with a solid wood door. Varric watched Hawke stop before the doorway and let her forehead fall against the wood. It was a few moments before she produced a key and started working on the door's lock. "Now," she warned them, half laughing, "Aedan's never been pretty but this especially won't be."

Hawke led them inside a very small room and they were immediately greeted by a rather frantic Fergus Cousland. "Champion, that last wave of demons that appeared, it nearly completely drained him. You need to-"

"I got it," Hawke rushed past him and to the bedside of a very unconscious and prone warden. She sat by his side and, rolling up one of her sleeves, she felt Aedan's forehead and then pulse.

Fergus crouched down next to her. "Do you need me to-"

Hawke shook her head quickly. "I got it this time."

"Have you eaten? Or slept? Aedan, wouldn't-"

Those were silly questions. He knew she couldn't sleep if she wanted to avoid this demon and his particular brand of terror. She had guilt in spades and that made her as appetizing of a target as Aedan was. Hawke huffed, "If Aedan wants a say in this he can wake his decently shaped ass up." She stopped whatever she was doing for a second to add quickly, "Forgot he's your brother. Don't mention this to him. If he knows I've been talking nice about him it's going to mess up our whole dynamic."

Suddenly Varric grabbed Hawke's wrist, halting all movement. "Hawke," he said slowly, as if he wasn't sure she was listening, "what do you think you're doing?"

She wasn't phased at all. "How do you think we've been keeping him alive? I can't exactly force feed him while he's like this," Hawke complained. She turned away from Varric and tucked in the sheets around Aedan a little tighter. "My hand's scarred up anyway."

It probably wasn't anything she said but Varric released her. "Maker," he sighed, rubbing his forehead clear of sweat. "This is almost worse than Kirkwall."

"Almost," Hawke echoed and let Varric watch as her life flowed into Aedan. She made a quick cut on her palm and then used the same hand to squeeze Aedan's hand. Fergus quickly looked away and seemingly noticed Varric and Merrill for the first time. "Champion, you have a company."

"They're fine," Hawke said quickly. "Merrill here is going save your brother." Hawke turned dramatically sad eyes to Merrill. "This demon's going to kill him if you don't perform that Dalish ritual, Merrill. Please, Merrill."

"Oh," Merrill hummed, glancing at Varric. "Some of us aren't so sure about..."

Hawke immediately stood up, a little too fast from the way she stumbled a bit, before she dropped to her knees in front of the elf. "Merrill, you can see how bad things are going here. I really need you here. I don't know what I would have done if you all hadn't..."

She felt a heavy hand on her shoulder. "We're here now, Hawke. Don't worry about the rest."

"Then you'll help, Varric? You'll let me do this?" She sounded desperate, which she was. Fergus came over and, taking her wounded hand, bandaged it carefully.

"No one likes the idea of you going into the fade alone and fighting the Warden one on one. Not that anyone's doubting your skills," Varric assured her, "but there's a lot more at stake for you than there is for him."

Fergus looked back and forth between them, decided he didn't want to know, and returned to his brother's side. Hawke pleaded with her friend. "It's the only way to end this. To fix what I couldn't the first time."

"Even if you could convince me of this almost suicide mission, you'll never convince Fenris. Or Carver. Have you even told him about this?"

Hawke made several faces before Varric got the message that she had not. "Then let's do it now!" Her voice rose into a near shout and Fergus, out of reflex perhaps, shushed her. Hawke stared at him. "Seriously? If my yelling wakes him up it'll be a Maker-damned miracle."

Fergus let out a shaky laugh. "Sorry, I wasn't thinking."

Another laugh and Hawke quickly went back to pleading for Merrill to perform the ritual. Varric's mind spun as he tried to come up with any alternative to Hawke's current course of action. If she succeeded in getting Merrill to perform this ritual and it went wrong... Well, Varric didn't care for the thought of Merrill trying to carry around all that guilt. She had very small shoulders.

"I'll do it," came the reluctant whisper and it was quickly followed by Hawke's shout of joy.

"Thank you, thank you. Merrill, I'll help you break into all the nobles gardens once we get back to Kirkwall, I promise," Hawke swore, making an 'X' motion across her chest. She bounced over to Fergus. "I'm going in after your brother. Varric will stay here and help keep things under control. This demon knows me. He'll recognize me the instant I trespass in his domain and he's going to bring everything he's got down on all of you. He'll be panicking. He won't be expecting Dalish magic from us."

"Perfect," Varric complained. "You rile him up and we get to deal with the fallout."

"You were the one complaining that you were bored."

"No. No, I really wasn't."

They spent a few more minutes with the Cousland brothers. Hawke tarried over Aedan, her face close to his own. She carefully lifted both of his eyelids and frowned. He was no more awake than he had been before the transfusion. Fergus leaned over her, watching. "Thank you, Champion."

"Don't do that yet." Hawke's fingers stretched towards Aedan's jaw before she quickly snatched them back. To the others she said, "Merrill, there's one other mage here. Let her know what you need for the ritual. Fergus can take you to her. Just meet us back here when you're ready."

Fergus looked shocked at his sudden inclusion but jumped at the chance to help nonetheless. "Right this way, madame," he said, his bow leaning towards the over dramatic. Merrill giggled and looped her arm through his. Though her laughter ceased quickly as she remembered the situation.

"Varric," Hawke sighed, sinking into what had been Fergus's chair. "This damn blueblood's really taking it out of me. Though Aedan's body is familiar with taking blood and using it for energy this whole process is still draining. It's only a temporary fix, like a bandage on poisoned wound."

Varric added artfully, "Sooner or later you're going to have to rip that bandage off and flush out the rot?"

"I won't be able to keep this up much longer, even with Fergus stepping to help, uh, 'donate'." She gave her friend a weary look. "I have to do this." When he seemed about to protest further Hawke added, "I want to do this. I want to choose to do this, as dangerous as it is. For once I want to run into a fight on purpose."

"I seem to recall someone running head first to the Arishok during the invasion. What do you call that?"

"That's only because I was running away from something that scared me worse. I only fought the Arishok because I feared what Meredith would do more." Hawke laughed. "I figured the Qunari have all those damn rules and logic. There'd have to be some way to reason with them."

"There was. And it was your choice not to take it."

"Isabela's the only one of you that can out drink me. I couldn't get rid of my only competition."

Varric cracked a smile and he had to force it to fade away into his 'business face'. "In all seriousness, Hawke, you're really sure you want to go in there alone?"

"If you would have brought Anders with you, no, but Justice isn't here. So, yes, I'm going in alone." Hawke sank down into her chair. She had shit posture even after spending weeks with only nobles for company. It must have been hell. "It'll be easy, Varric. I'll fight off whatever demons this Guilt demon sends after me. And then I'll find Aedan. And then I'll say something dreadfully clever. And then I'll stab him or something. It's a work in progress."

"Work faster."

Merrill and Fergus returned, along with the Warden mage whose name Hawke almost remembered. To be safe she was going to stick with 'warden'.

"Are we ready for this?"

"Maybe?" Merrill's voice reached even higher octaves than normal.

Fergus muttered something behind her and entered, dragging a bedroll behind him. "We're going to need this, right? For you? Somebody just tell me I didn't carry this up three flight of stairs for nothing."

Varric helped him find a place for the bed while Hawke worked on unpinning her cape from around her shoulders. She gave the silver bird pin that held the thing together to Merrill and, sitting down cross-legged, said, "Are we going to do this or what?"

"There was an option?" Merrill blurted.

"No," Fergus answered before Varric or Hawke could. He placed a sheathed blade on his brother's chest and crossed his arms over them, funeral style. Hawke made a disgruntled noise. That had to be bad luck.

"And what are you doing over there, Teryn?" she demanded.

"If I know my brother, and I'd like to think that I do, he's going to want his sword the instant he wakes."

"He's not going to do much with a sword with that leg," Varric pointed out, having examined Aedan's wound previously.

"Enough." Hawke settled down, flipping over to sleep on her stomach as she usually did. Fade, here I come. "I'm ready, Merrill, whenever you are."

She really wasn't. The fade was gross; Hawke hated it. It was weird and green. Maker, she hated the color green.

Also, she was not feeling this mist that was everywhere.

Hawke wandered around, watching warily as the fade began to take shape around her. "A castle," she whined, realizing where she was. "Of course Cousland's noble, guilt ridden ass would have his own fade castle." Hawke paused. "I really, really need to stop talking about his ass. I think I'm doing it on purpose now."

There was no visible sign of the demon as Hawke walked up and into the growing castle, but there was evidence all around of the bastard's presence. She could feel Aedan's guilt around her like being smothered in fog. Or, perhaps an ode to Aedan's personality, it was like being wrapped up in a wet blanket.

She wasn't surprised that she recognized the place. Aedan's issues started and ended at home. She made her way inside the castle, searching for Aedan. Her staff was already in her hands and her fingernails dug into the painted wood nervously. She had a feeling she already knew where he would be.

The kitchen cellar reeked. Hawke covered her mouth and nose with her hand and wished desperately for a handkerchief. Despite the smell Hawke kept moving forward, her eyes straining in the darkness. She found torches lining the walls and with a little effort she lit them all. And in that sudden light she saw a hulking shape kneeling on the ground, staring at two bodies on the ground.

"Aedan?" Hawke stepped carefully towards him, but stopped as soon as she started. "You."

That demon was hovering in the corner, hooded and cold. When it felt her gaze lock on it, the demon raised it's head high enough that she could see it's rotten smile.

Aedan looked at her, too. And, though it had been little more than a week that he had been taken, it scared Hawke how good it felt to see him. Here, in the fade, he looked noble. Hair like his brothers, long and loose, and Aedan was bearded as most Fereldens were. The gaunt, militaristic warden was gone and instead Hawke was face to face with a heartbroken aristocrat who looked ready to kill.

His first words were slow and deliberate.

"How could you do this?"

Who did Aedan think she was? Hawke looked to the demon and back to Aedan and suddenly it was all very clear.

"You claimed to be my father's friend."

"Oh, fuck."