… my mate. My mate. My mate. My mate. My mate. My mate. My mate. My mate. My mate. My mate. My mate. My mate. My mate. My mate. My mate. My mate ……….
The words were a mantra floating around her head. What did they mean?
I asked. "what exactly does that mean?"
Jacob exhaled as if my words had a calming effect on him.
"Um … it's something along the lines of showing your possession. I mean I guess that's not really what it's about, since you already have the tattoo," he flicked his eyes at me, and in a moment of humor complained, "Which you still haven't showed me, I might add, it's like…."
He paused, searching for words that wouldn't come. "It's like you're tying yourself to that one person for the rest of your life. I would always be able to feel your presence even if you weren't around. I'd always know where you were, I would always feel what you felt, I would be tied to you in an unbreakable way. I would never be able to even think about, let alone look at, another woman. And it goes both ways too, just not as extreme for you. You would be able to feel my presence and tell what I was feeling but you could . . . . . could leave at any time, if you . . . . . If you felt like it."
"But, Jake, wouldn't you want to save that, you know, for your. . . . imprint?"
He blinked, looking like one of those family morning cartoons that got hit with the frying pan. Then he frowned in the most adorable befuddled way.
"But Bells, you're my imprint, I love you, and want to be with you, I imprinted on you the first time I saw you after the change and it killed me to stay away from you Bells, Bells I belong with--."
I cut him off sharply.
"Don't!"
I whipped my hand out and placed it on his chest, pushing him back. I needed space, I needed air! Tears swelled in my eyes and I hated myself for letting them trickle down my cheeks.
"Don't make …" a sob caught in my throat, robbing me of speech for a moment. " … don't let me believe that we can stay … together. It's just cruel."
"But Bells--."
I cut him off again. I'd kept my head down along because I knew, I just knew if I looked up to see his face I'd give in.
"One of these days you're going to meet the girl for you and she's going to be beautiful and whole and she'll complete you and in a way you never thought possible. You'll feel like there's a part of you missing when she's gone and when she's near you, you wont ever want to let her go. You wont be able to."
I shook my head, my hair, like dead snakes swished along side me. "I won't ruin that by taking something that isn't mine."
Eerie silence greeted my pitifully firm declaration. I chanced a glance upward and almost shrank back from the anger I saw there. Jacob's face was indescribably … mottled. His features screwed up into a bitter mask I hadn't seen his first days being stuck in Sam's control.
"So that's what you think of my love?" he demanded, his voice low like a rumble of thunder during a storm. "You think I'm dumb enough to mistake my love for you as something small and adolescent? Not only that, but you think I'm insensitive enough to, selfish enough, to ask you to tie yourself to me in such a way that if I ever were to leave you," I flinched at the scenario, "I'd leave you broken and bleeding?" Only now did I realize the stupidity of my words. I still did not believe I was his imprint but I had implied the love he offered me now was insignificant, when in fact it was the greatest thing in my life.
"You've never been able to trust me have you? And you never will." With that gravely said he moved faster than I could think and was up and in the house with a slam that echoed in the suddenly bitterly cold night. I lay there on the ground, letting the wind chill me and temperatures freeze me. I deserved it anyway.