Nothing to Fear Chapter 26, a chicago pd fanfic

Hi everyone! I know, I know, it's been way longer than usual since my last update. I've been crazy busy, BUT my schedule should be way better now and I will be updating more regularly :) Thanks to everyone who has stuck with this story!

And since I haven't updated since the whole "Sophia Bush leaving CPD" rumors started, I added a few thoughts on the bottom. LOL :) As per usual, I can never just keep my mouth shut lol.

Since it's been forever, I'll start with: Previously on chapter 25...

But then his smile fell as a voice came over the line.

"Hi Ms. Davis, this is Beatrice from Chicago Fertility. We are just calling to let you know that Dr. Avery had a cancellation for tomorrow morning, and we would be happy to move your appointment up a few days if you would like. It's a longer appointment slot, so we would be able to discuss your plans for IVF and go over the protocol for sperm donation. Since it's Sunday, just leave a message on the answering service. Before noon if you can! Thank you, Ms. Davis. Looking forward to seeing you soon."

I'm sorry. WHAT?!

Chapter 26,

He left then.

He turned towards the untouched cup of orange juice on the counter, and suddenly, his need to splash some vodka into it became overwhelming. And, well, he wasn't going to do that at 8 in the morning, so at the very least, he decided he needed a cup of coffee.

He slowly poured the orange juice down the sink, careful to rinse away any evidence of it's existence, and then washed and dried to the glass, replacing it in the cupboard before moving towards the large front door.

He didn't have a key, and once he shut the door behind him, heard the click of the lock, he knew he wasn't going to be able to get back in.

But at the moment, that suited him just fine.

So many thoughts were swirling around his head, and he was struggling to organize them. He couldn't think clearly, couldn't measure which emotion was most overwhelming.

Was it shock? Shock that Brooke had even made an appointment with a fertility specialist in the first place. That she had needed an extra long appointment to discuss sperm donors?

No, he realized, that wasn't it. Because even though he had never thought too hard about Sam and Brooke's relationship, he had, in fact, done the math. He knew that Brooke had fostered Sam when she was only 22 years old. That she had already felt compelled to be a mother at that young age. And he had seen her interact with Sam since, and he knew that need to mother her hadn't faded with time.

So if it wasn't shock, was it hurt? What he hurt that Brooke hadn't thought to mention this very important appointment to him?

That could be it. After all, he had just been sitting around her apartment, roaming the contents of her fridge, daydreaming about her giving him his very own key to her place. And if he was being completely honest with himself, he could admit that the night before, after they had talked about what had been lacking in his past relationships, he had fallen asleep daydreaming about a lot more than just a key.

So, yes, maybe that was it.

But then, he realized, there was also fear.

And that was, more than likely, the strongest, most overwhelming emotion.

Fear that she would ask him to be the father, instead of a random stranger that she picked out of a large sterile binder.

He may have had an unbeliavable mother, but in truth, he had one of the worst examples for a father. What type of father could he be? What type of father would he be?

But then, there was also the fear that she wouldn't. That maybe she wasn't ready to make what they had permanent.

But then, as he stood in line at the closest Starbucks and ordered a venti coffee, because it was already turning into that kind of day, he considered that further.

If she was ready to make this more permanent, was he?

He waited for his coffee then, hoping that the first sip of the hot liquid would clear the fog that had settled in his brain and give him an ounce of clarity.

He wasn't surprised, though, when it didn't.

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When Brooke returned home from the store, she found Jay leaning against her door, staring off into space and sipping from a large Starbucks coffee.

She had a flash of disappointment that he was waiting, fully clothed, against her door instead of waiting, completely naked, in her bed, but at the look on his face, she brushed away that throught completely.

He seemed to be concerned over something, upset even, the way his eyebrows were crinkled ever so slightly giving him away.

"Hey," she said, smiling easily at him, hoping not to startle him. At the sound of her voice, the crinkle in his eyebrows seemed to vanish, and that caused her smile to widen. "Couldn't figure out how to use the Nespresso?" She raised a teasing eyebrow at him as she moved past him to unlock the door.

"I'm a simple man," he replied, shaking his head lightly, and following her into the kitchen.

She filled the milk frother, determined to impress him with her fancier, better version of morning coffee. "I told you, this stuff with change your life," she said, turning and leaning her back against the counter as she looked at him.

"I think you might have to find someone else's life to change," he said, smirking and shaking his head at her as he began to move towards her.

"But that's the thing," she said, meeting him in the middle of the kitchen. "I don't think I want to."

She had meant the words as a joke, a retort to his clear dismissal of her excessively fancy black coffee machine, but they hadn't come out as a joke. Instead, they came out breathy and low, raspy and honest.

Because it was true. She didn't want to.

She didn't want to find anyone else. Ever.

"Good," he whispered back before pressing his lips to hers. He seemed to understand her message, because this kiss, this slow, passionate kiss in the middle of the kitchen, seemed more intimate, and more tender than any of the previous kisses they had shared.

And it didn't escalate. It didn't turn into something more, he didn't thrust her against the wall of the counter and tear away at her clothes.

Instead he melted into her embrace, slowly carressing her face as if he wasn't sure she was even real. It was the type of kiss that tore down every defense she had ever had, and shred them to nothing.

And when he pulled his lips away but kept his face close, he peered into her eyes with so much wonder and affection she almost let the words slip. She had wanted to let them slip.

I love you.

But she didn't. But not because she didn't love him, because actually, she was pretty sure she did.

And it also wasn't because the thought that had suddenly blossomed shocked her. In fact, at this point she had gotten over the shock, and she had embraced the intensity of her feelings towards him.

However fast and recklessly her feelings may have developed, she knew they were more real than any feelings that had ever come before.

So that wasn't it either. Instead, the reason she held in the words was because in the moment, in this moment, she didn't think it needed to be said.

In her relationship with Lucas, they had seemed to use the words I love you to hold on to each other. To convince each other of their devotion, even when it wasn't actually true. The words had been there when the feelings weren't.

And so, just this once, she wanted to let her feelings speak for themselves. She wanted the words to come later.

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"Okay," she said, sighing loudly as she watched Jay take his final sip of his freshly crafted mocha latte. "Fine."

"Fine, what?" He asked, genuinely confused and she moved towards him and motioned for his empty mug.

"Fine, I will just have to buy you a simple man coffee maker," she said, as she lifted his mug and moved towards the sink to rinse it out. "That way," she continued, facing away from him, hiding her face as she let out the next part, "You won't have to sneak out for Starbucks and stand waiting for me at the door."

"You could do that," Jay began, and she could hear him coming up behind her even before she felt his arms wrap around her waist. "Or you could just give me a key, and I could let myself back in."

He said the words casually, but with his chest pressed up against her back, she could feel his heart rapidly hammering against his chest and it gave him away.

The fact that he was just as nervous as her made her heart flutter and gave her strength. She turned around, finding his lips once again. "How about I do both," she said, giving him her best smile.

And this time, their kisses did escalate. Within minutes they were panting against each other as he carried her into her bedroom, both of them tossing pieces of clothes along the way.

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"Shit," Brooke said, scrambling up in bed a little while later. "What time is it?"

Jay stretched his naked torso and shifted on the bed until he could see the time illuminated on the bedside clock. "Shit," he agreed.

They both moved quickly, throwing on their clothes and reaching for their things. "I'll text Hales," Brooke said, "We're not that late."

Jay couldn't help the laugh that bubbled out of him, or the smile that rose as he watched a very flustered Brooke Davis trying to shimmy into a dress that she had yet to notice was inside out. "We're pretty late, babe," he said. But instead of moving to put on his shoes, he moved into kiss her. "But I think it was worth it," he whispered against her ear.

The goosebumps that erupted on her skin, and the slow smile that spread on her lips was response enough for him.

Together, they moved down the hallway in search of the phones they had abandoned in the kitchen before furiously moving into the bedroom. As they passed the side table, Brooke noticed her answering machine flashing.

"Oh, hold on a sec," she said, casually, moving to press the button. "Let me just make sure this isn't important before we leave."

Jay stopped in his tracks, the thoughts that he had been pushing way down suddenly sprouting to the surface.

Over the years, he had become excellent at pushing thoughts away. He had buried things for minutes, hours, days, and even years, ignoring them until he was forced to bring them out again.

This time it hadn't even been difficult. He had left the coffee shop, and his legs had just taken him back to Brooke's apartment. As if they had, quite literally, a mind of their own.

And when she showed up, looking unbelievably beautiful in the same sleeveless, form-fitting purple dress she had been wearing the first time he had laid eyes on her, his shock, and hurt, and fear had fallen away.

One look into those beautiful hazel eyes and everything had fallen away.

But now, they were flooding back, and he had to make a split decision.

"I'm just going to run to the bathroom," he said, moving his feet in the opposite direction. "Be back in a second."

He propelled his body down the hallway as fast as it would allow him, while trying to keep his demeanor as casual as possible. And when he closed the door to the immaculately decorated bathroom, he allowed himself to sink onto the closed toilet seat, his head resting in his hands.

He knew he was hiding.

He just couldn't be sure exactly what he was hiding from.

Was it because he didn't want Brooke to feel forced into telling him? If she heard the message with him sitting idly by, he could already imagine her reaction. Her cheeks would flush pink, and she would immediately try to explain. What explanation she would have, he had no idea, but he was pretty sure she would try something.

But it would be a quick, likely thoughtless excuse.

He wanted her to tell him when she wanted to tell him. When she had prepared. When she had found the exact words she had wanted to say.

And maybe, just maybe, by then, he would be prepared.

He would find the exact words he wanted to say.

That is, if she gave him a chance to say anything at all.

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The minute Beatrice's voice came over the answering machine, Brooke's eyes darted down the hallway. She noticed right away that her bedroom door was closed, that Jay was safely behind it, and well out of ear shot.

At that, she couldn't decide if she should be relieved or disappointed.

She had spent the entire morning working at the store with Haley's question floating in the back of her mind.

Are you going to tell him?

She realized that yes, she had to tell him. The more important question was when.

When, and how.

So she had spent the morning alone in the store, cleaning up after the caterers and cataloguing the remaining merchandise, thinking about how on earth she was going to tell him.

And, all the while, she tried to force herself not to think about how he was going to react.

After some time, she had found the words. She had practiced them in her mind, and then out loud, until they felt familiar on her tongue.

But then on her drive home, she realized she hadn't considered how to bring it up.

So a not so insignificant part of her wished that Jay was standing right next to her. That the topic of fertility and babies would be broached without prompting from her. That his eyebrows would shoot up in question and that she would be immediately forced to explain.

Because really, how else could she bring it up?

Jay. I know we've only known each other a week and this is probably not something you want to think about right now, but I want to have a baby.

Or, she could always go the Owen route. What was it she had said to him? I never asked you to be the father.

Except, of course, that wasn't right either. Because, Jay wasn't Owen.

How about: Jay. I am completely in love with you, and I've already imagined what it would be like to go through this with you.

No. That definitely wouldn't work.

She pressed the button, halting the secretaries calm voice and saving the message, and allowed her eyes to drift back to the closed bedroom door.

And when she saw the door open, saw Jay glide through, his blue eyes calm and clear on hers, she realized she was in fact relieved.

Because this wasn't a conversation she should be having impulsively. She had made enough impulsive decisions in her life, and even though this didn't feel like one, she should probably let it rest a little longer.

"Ready to go?" She heard Jay's voice as he moved closer.

She flashed him a smile and a nod, threading her fingers through his when he finally reached her. "Ready," she replied.

Then, she let out a sigh as they moved towards the door.

Yes, she was definitely relieved.

Because really, she wasn't going to go Owen-style on this one. She wasn't going to try for detached and uncaring.

Because actually, she cared a lot, and so on second thought, this was going to be a much longer conversation.

And well, right now, they were already late for brunch.

xoxo

Please Review :)

As for the Sophia Bush leaving Chicago PD - Obviously I hope it isn't true, but I also wasn't THAT surprised when I read about it.

My biggest problem is that - just like I said in my previous comments about the finale - her story feels so unfinished. People die all the time in these shows (MerDer in Greys), or huge relationships that people shipped end (Izzie and Alex in Greys - lol, so many Greys examples), and we are able to move on and even root for them to be with someone else. But usually there is so much more closure, and I feel like Erin just didn't have that.

I was actually thinking though, maybe the writers were mad that Sophia wanted to leave. Maybe they decided to make her story unfinished so that the fans would be mad at her for leaving the show, because they were mad. Because as much as we all love the show and will probably continue watching, shows often fail after the main character leaves. Especially when the other characters aren't enough of a story to sustain the show. Like I like Upton just fine, but she was just introduced, and even though they are trying to give her some mystery and backstory and she definitely doesn't seem like she's going anywhere, I don't think she is going to be able to replace Erin in the fans.

I don't know - maybe I'm just reading too much into it, but it was just a thought. I really can't think of another instance in TV that I watch that a character had such an unfinished, unremarkable ending. I mean look at Matt Casey - that ending was beautiful and we're not even sure he's gone!

Also - total side note, CPD's facebook/twitter hasn't posted a picture of Erin really since the finale, but in the past week they posted a picture of Burgess and Upton, and I feel like that's who they're planning to focus on next. :/ Ugh. I hope I'm wrong!