"I have quite a great span of patience. But you have constantly said, and I quote, 'Fuck you, Tzeentch.' I can take disrespect, but you think that every day. Do you know why you're here?" Does it honestly matter if I answer? "No. You're here because of me."
"Does that make you special?"
"I'm a god." Of course you are. "Don't give me that sass right now. I demand a little tiny bit of respect for at least that fact. Yet you slander me like every other ignorant Imperial."
"To be fair, I'm surrounded by them, and you've really done nothing else for me."
"I've helped you out so many times, I don't even care to mention them." Keep trying to manipulate me. It's amusing.
"Oh, before you go off on another tangent, do you know about Korak Arachphro?"
"The supposed 'Saint of the Imperial Guard' and 'Hero of the Imperium'? I know of it. Quite the unstable creature. A sad, pitiful creature. I don't believe I've touched it, however."
"Oh. That's nice to know," I idly commented. "So uh… Wanna help her?"
"How so?" He already knew.
"I need to know the location of Slaanesh on a map or something, so when we go into the Warp, we'll be right there to go fuck Slaanesh up."
"You want to kill a chaos god," it said condescendingly.
"Yes."
"I don't think you understand how chaos gods work."
"I do, it's just that Korak doesn't, and I sorta made an agreement where I'd help her, and I fear for my life if I can't help her."
"Valid points. I'll fill you with the knowledge when you awaken. This'll benefit me as much as it benefits you. Although... Perhaps I won't because the knowledge of a god is quite costly." You cheap bastard.
I thought for a quick moment, then said, "Alright, here's the deal. Five minutes, you can do anything you like with me," its grin was splitting before I said, "So long as I look the way I do now and I can continue on the quest to kill Slaanesh." That'll be an epic one for sure. Hey, maybe I'll have my own story detailing how I fought a chaos god! It'd have to have an amazing title, like… 'Servant No Longer', or 'Pure Chaos', or something clever like that. I dunno, something to do with the knowledge of chaos not meaning the protection of one from it. Nah, actually, that's stupid. That 'Pure Chaos' title would do good, though.
"I accept. This is a great proposition! I'll fill you with the knowledge and spend that five minutes all at once."
"Cool," I said. Then I realized what the hell that meant. "Wait, what?"
I was thrown out the doors of its palace, and once again I saw the blueish purpley pink mesh of color I believe is the warp. I think I even saw some screamers zooming through the sky. You know, for a hellish land of complete mystery and murder, it was strangely beautiful. I wouldn't mind casually visiting this place, so long as I had some protection. Wink wink.
I awoke to the sound of a bass drop. I looked around wildly, seeing the faces of people, some with hats on. Hats that I remember. Hats I hadn't seen in some time. Why are hats important, you might ask? Well, normally, I see people wearing helmets, except for me. Those fucking thieves. But hats? I don't think I've seen one person with a hat!
I looked closer, seeing 'obey' on one of the hats. Oh my fucking god. I looked around, seeing familiar faces flooding to me. All my old pals and slash or people I don't even know. I'd be ashamed if I knew the guy with the obey cap on.
I think I began tearing up a little bit. Of course, I'm a man, so that didn't actually happen, right? Ha ha, right. Yeah. I looked around, and saw everyone was holding drinks and stuff, and the lights were changing colors. Looked like I was at a crazy party. Just like…
I got up from the couch. I knew exactly where I was. I knew precisely what I had to do. I looked around until I saw one person with a head full of blonde hair. Oh trust me, there were plenty like that at this party, but this person had a slight streak of red on their hair. I knew who that was. That blondey.
I approached her, and she turned to face me. She immediately turned to her 'friends' and made an ugh sound. Bitch. Then, she turned around. "Oh, hey Andre! What's up?"
"Nothing much, Anna," I said through some gritted teeth.
"So uh… What's up with the get up? I thought this was a party, not whatever those nerd things you go to are called." I looked down, and saw I was still in my guardsman gear. Which means… This was a dream. Ah ha! Tzeentch thought he could torment me with my former haunts? Well, you bastard, I've got another thing coming. I needed this.
"You know what, you bitch? I'm sick of you," I started.
"What? You drunk again?" Again? Again?! Oh, she knows. She knows full well.
"Sober as the day I was born. You see, slut, I'm fucking done with you and your shit. Kay? Lemme tell you, I've been through some shit. And this whole time, I thought 'Hey, at least there's some hot blondey at the end of the tunnel,' when really, I had no fucking chance. In fact, you dissed me to my face as I was drunk! You remember that?" My hands were balled into fists.
"Uh, Andre? You okay?" Anna asked, her voice not showing any concern. Is this bitch not taking me seriously?
"Oh, I'm completely fine!" I started to see a few people gather around the rim of my vision, but I didn't care. Let them watch. This is my chance! Tzeentch sent me back for this one moment, and I ain't gonna waste it. "But I don't take kindly to you laughing at me, saying harsh things in front of and behind me! In fact, I hate it! I hate you! I can't believe I ever thought you were hot!" I kept shouting out. My volume only got louder and louder as I shouted.
"Andre, you're scaring me," Anna said, finally something in her voice. Oh, is this how I get across to her?
"I'm scaring you, now?! Oh, I guess that means I should stop so you can go back to your friends and tell them all about how I'm a nerd and you're just the coolest cat!" My voice was beginning to strain. "You know, I learned something, Anna. I fucking learned something! It doesn't matter how 'cool' you are! You're human! You can do so much, yet what do you do? You fucking harass me! You go with your dirtbag friends, and you just backtalk everyone! For once in your life, could you do something nice, or at the very least useful?!" I was really letting it out. I think at this point, I was tearing up in anger. I won't lie, that's pretty manly, right? "Maybe you need some sense knocked into you," I whispered. I brought up my gloved hand, still in a ball.
"Joker, what are you-" I let the fist fly, smashing Anna's face, causing her to fall back onto the metal bed. Bitch. Got what was coming to her. I tried checking out my hand, and I saw Clare resting on the floor, grasping the bed. Weird. I focused back on my hand making sure it was-
Oh fuck, I get it now.
I dipped down to Clare, rushing over to her, trying to examine her. The fuck was that for, Tzeentch? I did nothing wrong, then you do this shit!
I began what was going to have to be the best apology of my life. "Fuck, Clare, I am so sorry, it was-"
"By the Emperor, you hit hard. Felt like an ork to me," she rubbed at her jaw.
"Are you okay? I-I had some sort of flashback or-" she put a hand on my shoulder.
"Joker, I get it. It happens to the best of us. This isn't the first time this has happened to me."
…
"You're not mad?"
"What? No! That was a good hit. I'll be able to tell when you're having a scene, now. Who's Anna, anyways?" Um… Mission success? That was easy.
"Oh. Just a… Person." Clare looked dubiously at me.
"Previous enemy?"
"Current enemy."
"Ah. Anybody in the squad?"
"Someone back home."
"Alright." She stood up, still recovering from my slug. "Where'd you learn to hit so hard?"
"When you get hit by orks on a frequent basis, you learn to dish out what you take."
"That wouldn't matter so much if you didn't put yourself in so much danger," she said, probably thinking she was full of logic and reason. Little did she know, I was prepared for this.
I let out a small chuckle. "Clare, I'm a man made for danger," I finished in a pose.
"I bet Anna would disagree," she said in a joking tone. I dropped my pose and looked at her straight in the face.
"We don't talk about Anna anymore, okay?" I did not want to think of blondey. She was the worst kind of scum. When you were talking to her, she was on your side, but as soon as she was away, she'd backtalk you just to look better.
"Whatever. If you wanna be a girl about it, fine." I thought gender equality was a thing in the grim darkness of the 41st millenium. Oh well. "By the way, I'm still upset about this. I am going to get you back some time."
"You're going to get me back for having a fucking flashback? Dude, I thought you were supposed to be a professional sergeant!"
"I'm a crew member right now. I can do what I like," she said with a grin. Fuck, she had a point. But like a sword to spear, my point was better.
As I opened my mouth, the intercom thing sounded out all over the ship, and I heard Korak's voice say, "Joker, to the bridge." Then, she repeated that one more time. The vox, I think it was called, stopped after that.
"Welp, wish I could stay, but the captain wants to see me."
"Right. Bye, Joker," Clare said. She might have been a little sad to see me go. I don't see why, I just fucking decked her. Maybe she likes it rough? That's weird.
When I got done asking people around, I eventually found myself in the bridge. I was before a door with two guards in that cool black and red armor outside the door. I tried to pass through, but then one asked, "Joker?"
"Yep, that's me."
Another voice said, "You're free to enter, cutie." It was feminine, and I think I recognized the girl from before. Ew.
I went in, and before I could get a proper look around and try to look for Korak, a man grabbed me with a robotic arm, just like mine. He had a scarf covering the top of his head, and was staring at me intensely. "Are you Joker?" he asked.
"Why, yes, sir. That's me."
"Good. I am Albertus Magilious, just call me Albertus. I'll be your conduit from the… 'Captain' to you." The way he said captain wasn't very respectful. This guy's voice was also partially robotic. I looked closer, and saw a large portion of visible 'skin' on one side of him was actually metallic.
"Oh. Cool. Can I see the captain?"
"No. The captain has no real authority. I shall be the one controlling your mission. Now, I asked the xenos what is was it needed you for, and it said you had a plan to defeat a… God."
"Yes, sir, I do. I'll tell the captain if you'd just-" I tried to get past this guy, but he moved right in front of me. In fact, he was on a little disc thing, in a chair. Dude, this was the coolest Stephen Hawking ever.
His face got extremely close to me. "Did you not listen before, you peasant?! The 'captain' is not in control here! Perhaps you're confused, but that thing is no 'hero of the imperium' or an inquisitor by any stretch! It has no power whatsoever, and I'd-"
"Albert, are you harassing my human friend?" I heard the voice of my hero say.
The disc thing rotated, and I saw Korak walking towards me, hands behind her back. "No, captain, I am not."
"Good. You'll have to tell me about Ricard again later."
"Yes, captain," the robotic voice said, sounding incredibly annoyed, like that techpriest I met. He then floated away, letting go of me. Yes, I mean floated away. I think I saw some Inquisitorial insignias on his little disc thing.
"Joker. Tell me, do you have a plan prepared to take on Slaanesh? I will not be upset if you do not at this time." Here goes. This is the start of my epic battle against chaos. I better start it off on an epic line.
"Actually, I do." Nailed it.