Title: Lectures

Rating: PG-13...?

Warnings: There's some death and total disregard of the seriousness, respect, and meaning of death, in a way that my mother might describe as 'sick'.

A/N: I was trying to edit two different fics, but wrote this instead in a moment of inspiration. I must've been in the mood for dark humor. Oh and I fixed this, because for some reason, I kept referring the Yondaime as the 'third hokage' and opposed to the 'fourth hokage'. This is what happens when you don't read over your fics.

Sandaime stood over the dying body of the fourth Hokage of Konoha, a screaming infant in his arms.

"You know, not to criticize or anything, but you could have sealed Kyuubi into your own body and killed it when you died, which looks like any minute now."

The bloodied man's eyes widened, and his mouth opened, moving for a moment without sound until his voice rasped out, "Why didn't you say that... beforehand?"

"Well," and here the former (and soon to be present) Hokage shifted the baby boy in his arms, "I thought you would have known that. I mean, you did study the full scroll, didn't you?"

Judging by the almost sheepish look on the dying man's face, he could see that he would be mistaken in assuming that the scroll had been read all the way through.

"Why are you... telling me this, now?"

"Just making sure that you're aware that you probably messed up this kid's life. Something to think about in the after life. You really didn't need this baby at all."

Comforting last thoughts.

The Yondaime's eyes closed, but his mouth moved, "The scroll listed it as the first and ... most effective... method of sealing."

"And you just took that and ran with it, not bothering to read the rest."

In his last few breaths, the blonde man could see very clearly why Jiraiya had often been annoyed (fed-up to the point of leaving town -the Orochimaru thing a convenient excuse) by his former sensei.

Like the toad sennin, the Yondaime Hokage hated lectures –especially after the fact.

What could really be done then, anyway?

"You didn't even think that maybe you could have sealed the demon in something other than an infant? Maybe a tree stump or a turtle or a rock…?"

Aside from the fact that the object into which the seal would be placed required chakra –meaning a lifeless rock and a tree stump were out (since the tree stump would be dead shortly after becoming a stump)- it would be easy to break a seal on something like that. Slightly less so with a turtle, but one, where was he going to find a turtle in the middle of a battle with a giant demon, and two, what would happen if a demon-possessed turtle got pissed off?

Especially since little kids were fascinated by turtles and liked to take the home to their families and show their friends and half their neighborhood… carnage, pure carnage.

"Under the circumstances… I didn't have much time... to think…" His breath was becoming labored now.

"You're a shinobi, you're supposed to be able to think on the fly. Even worse is that you are the Hokage of this village. What does that say about Konoha?"

"That senility ruled your senses when you chose your successor?" Whether it was more amazing that he could come up with the comeback while his body and brain were shutting down or that he managed to say all that in one breath despite his crushed lungs was a matter of opinion. He was a pretty awesome ninja like that.

The Yondaime's chest started to convulse as he broke out into heavy coughs.

It was probably insulting to be taking barbs from a man who was choking on his own blood.

"I wonder if it's too late to contact Orochimaru and ask if he still wants the position?" For his part, the Sandaime seemed to have not heard the dying man at all, as one hand stroked his pipe in thought, and the child squiriming in theother arm.

"Senility. That would prove... your senility."

With one last shuddering heave, the body of the shinobi hero was stilled. He would now, forever, have the last word.

Several weeks later, after many attempts at contact and no responses, the Sandaime finally received an envelope in the mail from his former student.

It contained a close-up picture of the snake sennin's hand, giving the camera the middle finger.

A/N: I really don't see this as happening, but it addresses a question that I have wondered ever since the fight with Orochimaru and Sandaime. Maybe some of you have wondered about it too, since apparently you can seal someone's arms into your own body. Also, I took some liberties with the nature of the seal. I take a lot of liberties throughout this whole series, anyway, so I can't imagine anyone being broken up about it.

I almost feel like I crossed some lines here, what with the dying and everything, but I have gotten the impression that the fourth Hokage was a good-humored man, so it I'm sure he'd get over me making fun of his final moments. This drabble is funny because you aren't supposed to do that. Some of you may disagree.