Chapter 26: Forgive Me
Well, Overwatch was back in business wasn't it?
It was. And with it came a uproar and spark of activity, both for and against our cause. Perhaps running through the streets of Egypt wasn't the best idea. But... it's too late now. And it's too late for the others. They all thought they could come back and just make us forget everything. It took some convincing, but Fareeha is starting to forgive and actually speak with her mother once more. I've yet to say a word in the last 3 weeks to either of the "recruits".
And ever since Amari and Jack came back, now still being referred to by rank along with their name, I've lost my position in Overwatch. I've been deemed unnecessary, and that I could go back to my normal work. I had asked for it hadn't I?
But now that it happened, I missed it. I missed having people depend on me. I missed giving orders and training people. That's how I got to know people. It was what I was good at. Talking them out, thinking them out. It's what I am. And I liked it.
I was still getting used to seeing them around the base. They seemed like ghosts. They had both aged quite a bit, with white hairs and old bones, but they were still here. I had walked past their doors a million times, still trying to get used to seeing "Jack Morrison" and "Ana Amari" on the outside on the right end of their doors.
But now I'd be forgotten, left in the dust, to be a stepping stone for others. I created the pathway, and they simply followed it, taking the credit. Now I know how Gabriel felt. Everything was happening so fast I could barely comprehend what I'd just gone through. I'd lost Angela, who hasn't spoken to me in the past 3 weeks. Even during our regular check ups she avoiding all eye contact. Perhaps she was done with me just like the others. A wrapper to be thrown away.
Why was I the one who was the bad guy? I took care of Overwatch while they hung around in Egypt with their thumbs up their asses. I took care of Ana's daughter, made sure she was okay, but I'm the bad guy. I'm the one who should be standing vilified in front of all of them. In my darkly lit room, with no sound but my breathing, it sure seemed that way. No one ever came to my door. Perhaps that was good. I was done with people for a little while.
Living alone was a little different. I was free, but...something felt wrong. Sometimes I'd roll over expecting to find Angela sleeping beside me, but she was never there. Sometimes I even cried. I cried like a child calling out for his mother. But no one ever came to comfort me. I doubt anyone will again.
Made me miss the old days. Back when I was still in the barracks, with Jesse sleeping on the other side of the room. Where I could wake up to the smell of breakfast and coffee, before training, a mission, and a walk with Angela. Back when we were still all a family. When everything was fine. The golden days I liked to call it. But everything changed, and as our group slowly grew slimmer, we grew more distant, and separated into different groups with entirely different motives. I was caught in the crossfire. That's how I died.
Nothing seemed normal anymore. Everything seemed out of place. I found myself in situations I didn't think I'd be in ever. But I had to go through them all the same. These feelings and thoughts I had were inescapable, always chasing and catching up to me. No matter how fast I ran, I couldn't escape. I guess I'd just have to face them.
"Commander Nathan, Captain Amari and Commander Morrison have requested a meeting with you." I heard Athena say, popping up on the hologram to the side of my bed. I rolled my eyes, spinning in my chair, looking at the fan. The way she addressed them, with Captain and Commander still bothered me. "Athena, tell them I'm busy. And stop calling me commander. It's just Nathan." I said, before sighing.
"As you wish. Nathan, if I may, can I ask you a question?" I heard her ask, and I smiled. "Sure, why not?" I replied, and she continued. "I was wondering why you avoid Amari and Jack so much. I realize it must be a shock, but you must work with them eventually. The longer you wait, the worse the situation becomes. I recommend seeing them."
"Gah you sound like my mother. Tell them I'm doing something. You'll come up with an excuse will ya darlin'?" I asked, and it sounded as if Athena sighed in frustration. That earned a little snicker from me, as I heard it log off, leaving me in silence.
But that was a mistake. Nothing had been bothering me worse than the deafening silence. The silence scared me because it screamed the truth at me the whole time. But, filling my time with nothing was a skill I had been developing in recent weeks. Nothing to do now. No one to train, no walks to go on with Angela. No nights out with McCree and the others. No playing games with Lucio and Hana. Everyone sort of avoided me now. No one seemed to want to face me once more. Only McCree had done so, and we only chatted for a bit.
A few drinks in, I was already passing time, getting my mind off of things for a while. It was good to have my legs up, to just take everything in. Even though everything felt like a hell of its own. But drinking numbed the senses so I could sustain more pain. It wasn't the best habit of mine, but killing the entire crew was frowned upon wasn't it. My anger was uncontrollable, and Angela warned me about it in the most monotonous way ever. But why listen to her. She betrayed me. If she had told me, maybe I would've processed this better.
But here I was, drinking away my problems, trying to forget the past, sitting in an empty room. This was never meant to last. I wish it wasn't so. But wishing would get me nowhere. Things had gone down the drain, and nothing seemed to be trying to slow this decent to a halt. I was falling downhill fast. I needed someone to pull me up.
Thinking of people to pull me up, Angela knocked at my door, coming to see me directly for the first time. It startled me at first, the sudden noise. "Go away." I yelled, and she sighed. "Nathan, I was wondering if we could talk?" She said, and I laughed. "There is nothing to talk about. What would we even talk about? How stupid it is for me to not go and meet with Amari and Morrison? Well thats not the worst decision I made." I said, but I didn't hear her walk away like I figured she would. She just stood there, clearly determined to get in here.
"Worst thing I ever did was trust you." I muttered, and I think she heard me, by hearing another pained sigh erupt from her. "Look, Nate, we did that for the best of you-"
I don't think she was expecting to have been interrupted. I don't think she was expecting the sudden open door and loaded gun in front of her. "Ah I know it was for the best. It really was. Not telling me they were alive. Tell me, how long had you known that?"
Angela didn't seem bothered by the gun. She barely even acknowledged it's existence. "I had known it only for a few weeks before you did." She said, placing emphasis on the only in the sentence. "Ah, good to know I can trust you with a secret. But do me a favor and fuck off like all the rest, that'd be great." I said, about to shut the door, feeling her hand collide with the door, preventing it from shutting. I turned back around, meeting her eyes.
"It'd be great if you'd let me in. I will not simply 'fuck off' as you put it for one of my closest friends." She said, and I growled. "Oh I feel bad for your friends." I mocked her, and she ignored it, walking into my room, taking a seat on my bed. Reminded me of the time she came to see me the day before I died. Back when I loved her. Before she betrayed me.
"You realize you must eventually see them? You might as well do it now." She said, and I turned to her, brows furrowed. "What?! And talk about what?! How good of a job I did only for them to take my place and waltz back in here like nothing happened? Like I didn't go through all of this, and that nothing ever happened! I will not simply stand by and let this happen!"
"And what shall you do? Leave? Is that what you'll do?" She asked, growing furious herself as well. "I might as well! What the hell am I doing here?! Answer me that one question! And maybe I'll stay. Why?" I asked, and she simply sat there, looking at me. She said nothing, just staring. Her lip quivered, as if she'd cry, but I didn't care any longer. I needed answers.
"Okay. That's all I needed." I responded to the silence, nodding to myself. "So that's it, you'll just leave?" She asked, and I chuckled. "I always did run away from my problems. Why stop now?" I joked, and she gripped my wrist. "Must everything be a joke to you?" She asked, and I smiled. "Yes. Life is a joke. This whole place is a joke. I'm a joke. It's best we stop denying it and move on and accept it. Now you can leave me to my packing, or you can help me. Either way, I'm leaving you doc."
The words came out, but I felt something break when I said that. I couldn't tell if it was my heart or my sanity. I was leaving her. I thought I'd never leave her.
Her tears didn't show. Nothing showed. No emotion. She had gone completely mechanical. "You promised you'd stand by me, no matter what." She reminded me, and I looked her in the eyes, moving towards her. "And you promised me you would never betray me. But it seems we're at a crossroads." I replied, before turning back to pack my things. I didn't need much.
Perhaps it was the alcohol, but I felt very emotional right now. I didn't know what to think. Maybe it was for the best? I didn't belong here. And I didn't want to be here any longer. No point stalling and wasting everyone's time, including mine. I heard Angela's footsteps, and her opening the door, and it almost closing behind her, only for it to pause. "Stay here for me." She offered, and I turned back to her.
"Goodbye Dr. Ziegler."
Her tearful eyes vanished to anger, as her head snapped the other direction, stomping off, leaving me in silence in my room once again. I stood there for a moment, watching her go through my window, hoping to see her turn back internally, but she never did. She didn't hesitate. She turned the corner, and in a flash, she was gone.
Just like that, I had lost her. She'd never be coming back. And neither would I. I turned, wiping away my one stray tear, reminding myself this was for the best. "It's been a good ride." I said, packing my things, and preparing to leave in a few hours.
Soon enough, the time had come. It was late at night, and just about everyone was asleep. I had been staring at my packed bag the whole time, debating my decision. But no matter what, I knew things weren't the same here. My eyes were still fixated on the bag, and I stood up, lifting it and carrying it behind me. My hat on my head, and my gun on my hip.
I walked out the door, but stopped. The hallways were still bright, and I could see all of the lights off in everyone's rooms. The place was asleep. It was best I left now before anyone stopped me. I didn't need to tell them goodbye. Why tell them I'm going, and make them more upset? There is no need. I don't want to cause them pain. It's for the best that I leave without another word of heartfelt goodbye.
I walked by the hallways, stopping at one room in particular. Jesse McCree. It wasn't planned, but I had to stop. All the others I could walk by, trying to not think about it. But this was different. He was my brother. He was the reason I had even been here and met all of these people. He stood by me, through thick and thin, and I was leaving. We'd probably never cross paths again. Only now was I contemplating the weight of those consequences.
Something stirred in me. I placed my right hand on my hat, removing it, and placing it right outside his door. It was the present he'd given me. It was a symbol of our friendship and character, and now I was leaving it to him. A memento, for him to remember when I'm gone. In a quick motion, I was back on my feet, walking away from the door, leaving it all behind. "Goodbye Jesse."
Moving down the hallways, I was reaching the exit. My eyes were focusing on the path in front of me, but caught the silhouette of a woman in my way. She was familiar, and I could make out the stance. It was Amari. She had clearly been expecting me. Angela probably told her about what I was doing.
I continued forward, meeting her at the doorway quickly enough. For a moment, we simply stared, in a form of mutual respect and admiration for the things the other had done. I was looking at someone I considered a mother. I had a tattoo to remind myself to make her proud. But now, I was off to leave. I still had no idea what I would do, and how I'd live the rest of my life. But, I could find my way. It's my way of life really, flowing with the wind like tumbleweed.
She didn't move. She just stood, looking up at me, as I was a bit taller than her. I was ready to push past her and leave, until her arms wrapped around me quickly, the same way she did when she first saw me once again. But this time had a feeling of emotion and actual concern, and she held me close, and I was taken aback. I looked down at her, as her tears stained my Overwatch vest.
"Please, forgive me. For everything."
That was all she said.
But the way she said it made it mean something impactful. She had a desperation in her voice, as she remembered the times we had been together, working together, and just talking. All the memories we shared. She knew she had hurt me by not coming back, but didn't have much of a choice. My arms slowly reached her back, and I returned the hug.
I hadn't noticed the tears developing in my eyes, and I didn't care any longer. I let everything go. All of my emotions, as I held a woman I held dear close once more. "I'm sorry Ana. I missed you. I thought you were gone." I said, and she looked up, reaching a hand up to my cheek. "I thought you were gone..." I repeated, and she pulled me down, kissing my forehead.
"I'd be honored, to fight by your side once more, Captain." I said, straightening my posture, and saluting her, putting emphasis on the captain. For a moment, we stood, not a word needed to be said. We understood each other. I was convinced that I should stay here. I was a fool for even thinking about leaving.
"Now-" she said, taking my arm, escorting me back. "We've got a lot of catching up to do." I chuckled, as she started to tell me all about what I missed in her life.
Later...
With my hat now secure on my head, I felt a new confidence in myself. I had officially lost all drive to leave Overwatch. I was slowly realizing that maybe I did fit in. Maybe I belonged here with them. A real family to take me in.
Amari and I had talked for hours, finally catching up on what happened. She told me all about how she went missing and what she did as a vigilante and how her and Jack met once again. I told her about how I had died, came back from the dead, found Gabriel and tried to bring him back as well, which caused Reaper to be created, and how we all got back together and what I did before the recall. When we go over everything life really seems strange. This life is never uneventful.
I now stood outside Angela's door, and I knew she'd be awake typing away at a document or working on something else, but hopefully she'd answer me, even after everything I did to her. I had messed up big time, but hopefully I could fix things. I had no gifts with me but my presence and my apologies.
Hesitating for a moment, I contemplated if this would actually work well for me. I didn't want to hurt her anymore, and I felt like I'm the last person in the world she wants to see right now.
But I knocked anyways. Three sharp, distinct knocks, that let her know it was me. She'd either come bounding over to see me again, or wouldn't answer. I was beginning to think it was the latter of the two as I heard nothing come from behind the door, and I sighed, about to give up.
The door opened, and I was met with a grin as wide as the one on my own face. "I'm back."