When Gibbs returned to the squad room a few minutes later, it was to the disturbing sight of his Senior Field Agent pacing the small open space in the middle of their work area. His agitation was obvious and every single step that he took seemed to emphasize it more and more. The Team Leader narrowed his eyes and waited for Tony to turn and start walking back along same line that he had just walked and notice him
"DiNozzo! What the hell's going on?" Gibbs demanded.
"Boss!" Tony froze in his tracks and looked at Gibbs with abject worry lacing his handsome features. There was something else though, something that Gibbs struggled to put his finger on…Hope? Hope for what? Does he expect me to know something? Give him answers…to what exactly? Gibbs thought as he tried to figure out why he would be the one that sparked that emotion in Tony. All of a sudden, the hope dissipated and Tony seemed to deflate in front of him as he tried to explain.
"Probie went out to get all of us coffee a little bit ago and when he came back…" Tony stopped as he searched for the words he needed.
"DiNozzo! Spit it out!" Gibbs barked at him. The fact that Tony was so edgy made his gut clench uncomfortably. If something had happened to one of them, he wanted to know and he wanted to know right now.
"Gibbs, perhaps it would be better if you saw for yourself what Tony is trying to explain? McGee is most likely still sitting where he was when he came back in." Ziva suggested calmly.
The team leader glared at her for a half-second before turning to go in search for his other agent. With every step he took, he hoped things weren't as bad as his other two agents were leading him to believe. It was hard enough watching the young man trip over himself to bury everything he was going through just so he could try to move on with his life; having anything else happen to him, would possibly be the push in the wrong direction and would more than likely make Tim lose his grip on it all.
Drawing his breath in sharply, Gibbs couldn't miss what Tony and Ziva had tried to explain to him when he stopped in the doorway of the training room that Tim had been using for the last couple of hours and slowly let it out. His youngest agent was sitting at the desk at the front of the room, with his head turned away, but Gibbs could see enough of his face so that he could plainly see the desolate look in his eyes. It was Obviously, something had shaken Tim's world this morning and until they figured out what it was, no one could fix it.
Stepping into the room and deliberately crossing Tim's line of sight, Gibbs moved one of the chairs so that he could sit in front of the young man and sat down so that he could look his Agent in the eyes as he talked.
"Hey. Talk to me. What's going on?" the directive was given in a strong enough voice that so that it would hopefully penetrate the fog Tim seemed to be hiding behind.
Sure enough, Tim blinked and glanced at the person who had spoken to him. His gazed focused on Gibbs for a split second before his eyes moved down to look at the patch of floor by his feet. He sat there staring at the carpet tile trying to figure out what it was that he should be saying but it was tough and the words escaped him, leaving him feeling guilty and sad at the fact that he could not talk to the boss who had done nothing but support him. For that, he felt bad. It wasn't that he wanted to ignore Gibbs; that was the last thing he wanted to do but getting his thoughts in order so that he could finally address the man was just too hard. Things were still too muddled in his head for him to think straight though and if he couldn't make sense of it, then how could anyone else? Still, he had to say something to the man.
"I'm sorry, Boss. I just…"
"Don't worry about it, Tim. Just tell me you're all right." Gibbs cut in gently. It was unexpected and left Tim blinking in surprise. Now, he just felt even more speechless as the soft sentiment tripped him up.
"Boss, I….."
"There you are! McGee, the Agency Psychiatrist has time to see you now. She's waiting for you as we speak. You can report back to Gibbs when you've finished up there." Vance's forceful voice boomed from the doorway, interrupting Tim's attempt to answer Gibbs, startling him slightly.
Gibbs scowled at the interruption and all Tim could do was offer him an apologetic smile as he got up and left the room to speak to the one person that had the power to give him back the one thing he desperately wanted. He only hoped he could handle this ordeal because the last thing he needed was for this to rip the band-aid off that he'd just reapplied a few minutes ago.
"What's going on, Gibbs?" Vance asked as soon as Tim was gone from the room.
"You know as much as I do, Leon. Maybe if you hadn't interrupted us, I could have gotten him to open up to me."
"He wants to get back to work so we can't afford to waste time if we're gonna get him there. You wanted a quick turnaround; I got you a quick turnaround."
"Yeah." Gibbs said as he got up from his chair. "Would have killed you to wait a minute? As the anger poured off of him, Gibbs walked out of the room and went back to desk.
******************************'
Tim stepped into the Shrink's office with his heart in his throat. He really didn't want to have to talk about this; any of it. One slip and he'd be banned from field work, which would essentially lose him his place on Gibbs' team. He knew he couldn't handle it if that happened. Right now, it was just about all that was holding him afloat.
"Agent McGee. Please, come in. Have a seat." The pretty woman with the soothing voice encouraged.
Tim silently did as she invited him to and waited for whatever she was going to throw at him.
"Would you like something to drink, Agent McGee?"
"No. Thank you."
"Alright. Now, do you mind if I call you Tim or would you prefer, Agent McGee." The shrink asked gently.
"Um, Tim's fine." Tim replied cautiously. "I don't mind that, Agent McGee sounds too formal given the circumstances."
Kate grinned as she shuffled some papers around in front of her. "Tim it is then. Okay….." She picked up a small manila file that sat in front of her.
"I've read everything I could about what happened to you this past weekend. Now, because of the circumstances, I am authorized to view the background information about what has happened and have seen the news footage, read the court transcripts, and talked with Director Vance. I also need to report to Director Vance because this is to assess your ability to work as well as help you work through it. patient/doctor confidentiality does stand no matter what and whatever is said here, stays here. My report will simply include what is already known to them and whether or not I see you as fit for work."
"Fine. Let's get this over with." Tim mumbled to the doctor.
"Tim. The purpose of this session is for it to be beneficial to you, not only to assess you, but also to help you. You do understand that, don't you?" She asked softly. "Ideally, I'd like you to lead it and talk to me about what is on your mind but know that it isn't always the best course of action. Yes, I am an NCIS appointed shrink, but I am first and foremost a doctor who wants nothing more than to help you."
Tim looked at her and saw nothing but sincerity in her eyes. He realized that she truly did want to help and let his defenses soften slightly. "I know."
"Okay, please, sit down." Tim sat down in the chair opposite the Doctor. "Now, my name is Doctor Caitlin Mulray. You can call me Kate, I'm not one for formalities." Kate smiled warmly at Tim and was pleased to see the small smile that lifted his features.
"I had a friend called Kate. She was another agent in my Team, but was killed on Duty a few years back." Tim explained with affection. "I still go and lay flowers for her every now and then."
"That's nice. Sounds like you miss her."
"Yeah, we all do. Ziva joined afterwards and I wouldn't change her for the world, but…" Tim paused briefly "But it would have been nice to have them both there."
"I know. It is always hard loosing someone close. Tim, is there anyone else you would like me to speak with before I report back to Director Vance?" Judging by the information that she had read, she knew that this situation affected a much wider audience, but didn't want to talk to anyone about any of it without his express permission; after all, this troubled young man had been the victim all his life and it was up to him.
"My team. Ducky." Tim blurted out quickly without even thinking about leaving them out of this. The quick response and the saddened look on his face told Kate that the situation ran deeper than she could ever have imagined…..if that's even possible! This young man has been through so much already.
"You seem almost upset for allowing yourself to admit that." The doctor stated questioningly.
"Just don't want them getting dragged though this anymore." Tim admitted with a ton of guilt in his voice. "They shouldn't have been pulled into it in the first place."
"Agent McGee. From what I understand; from what I've heard from Director Vance, and read from the available information, every one of them has said the same of you. They want to help and don't want you to try to get through this alone." She reminded him carefully.
"They've been through enough already. What with Kate and…" Tim stated unequivocally before trailing off, this wasn't about the other things that had happened and it wasn't for him to talk on behalf of anyone else.
"So, does this mean you still want me to speak with them?" the doctor pushed for confirmation.
"Yeah. It might give them the chance to blow off steam about it." he admitted with worry.
"All right. I wanted to be sure that you are comfortable with that. Let's start with you, shall we? Is there anything you want to get off your chest about what happened?"
"No." Tim stated firmly. He had worked so hard with Ziva to learn how to lock his emotions away and gotten to where he was able to do it most of the time. He wanted to keep it that way.
"Okay, that's very resolute, Tim. Surely there is something that is bothering you about what happened."
Tim sighed heavily. " There's plenty that is bothering me about it. Doesn't mean I want to talk about it."
Kate nodded. She understood where he was coming from and started to rationalize what he was doing. She turned to the note pad in front of her and started to make the notes that would help her with the report. For now, she kept her notes casual knowing that she would build upon them after the session.
Denial? - Possibly. It's difficult to know how people compartmentalize their emotions depending on the situation. From what I have ascertained from Director Vance, my patient is usually open with his feelings though Timothy seems to want to bury them. I am not sure if it is denial or not.
"Can you tell me what you think about when you think of your father?"
"I don't" Tim shrugged while his eyes remained glued to the floor.
"You don't what?" she pushed.
"I don't think about him and I'd like to keep it that way." he answered her firmly.
"Do you think that's healthy?" Kate leaned back in her chair and scrutinized her patient. His words were determined, but his body language betrayed what he really thought. At the question, Tim's muscles had stiffened, his back had straightened, and he had folded his arms across his chest. It was a classic defense mechanism and one that she knew well.
Tim's body language has become closed at the mention of him thinking about his father. He is defensive and sits there with his arms folded across his chest making it obvious that he doesn't want to talk about the man. Maybe it is something that he has had instilled in him growing up. He thinks about the father figure he has had all his life and builds walls around him to protect himself, which is something that will take time to dissipate; if it ever will.
"I don't know if it is or not. Is it a crime to want to move on? To want to feel normal? To try your hardest to leave the crap at the door so you can come to work and do your job? That's what I want!" Tim uncurled his arms so that he could use them to gesture sharply as he shouted at the woman in front of him.
"I see. Agent McGee. You seem quite upset about being here with me right now. Why is that?"
"I've worked too hard and too long with this team, to have it taken away because I say the wrong thing here. You say you're here to help me, but at the end of the day your report will be the defining factor in whether or not I can get back to the one constant thing in my life."
See's his job as the the 'constant' in his life. It gives him the stability that he needs. As it stands, he sees his position at NCIS as the one place he can continue to function on a normal level; he is in his comfort Zone. Kate scribbled down.
"And that's what you're worried about." Kate asked. She loved her job, she really did. She loved helping people, but the fact of the matter was, in situations like this it was difficult given the fact that the patients were here for a reason and that reason was to be certified fit for duty. It always made it harder for her to gain their trust and sometimes it even hurt a little.
"Shouldn't I be?"
"No, Agent McGee. My job is not to take yours away from you. My job is to make sure that you are fully prepared to get back to it. I've told you before; I am here to help you. Even I do sign you back to work, I would still offer you the opportunity to come and see me so that you can get over everything completely."
"And if you decide I shouldn't be out in the field anytime soon, Vance'll yank me off Gibbs' team faster than I can blink."
"Why would I make that call, Agent McGee?" she asked with interest. Even if he did ride a desk until he had sorted everything out, didn't make him bad at his job. Far from it.
"I don't know."
"So, then you're worried about the possibility, even though you can't think of any reasons for that call to be made?"
"Something like that." Tim admitted and blushed as he continued to look down at the floor.
"It's about trust. I understand that. Let me tell you how I saw this before you walked in."
"Huh?" Tim asked.
"Relax. I read your notes and the first thing that came to mind was that the reasons behind why you are here with me today, would possibly impact your trust in people. You have been betrayed, by one of the people that society see's as the person to keep you safe and protect you at all costs. He hurt you and left it difficult for anyone to gain your trust because of that. Tim, you have to trust me, or at least learn to. I'm not going to judge and I'm not going to betray you. Please, forget the report for now." Kate placed the notepad and pen on the small table next to her. "This is just you and me now. NCIS is not the only reason you are here, you are here to talk about things and get stuff off your chest. Can you do that?"
Tim nodded sadly. "I'll try."
"Good, that's good. Okay, Tim. Can you take me through the last 24 hours. Tell me what thoughts have gone through your head."
Thirty minutes later, Tim was feeling somewhat lighter in spirit, although still shaken and unsettled. While most of what the good doctor had said hadn't really fully filtered through his mind, the conversation he'd overheard outside earlier between Gibbs and his own mother whirled around in his head as if it was stuck on constant replay. He was thankful that the Doctor had sent him to take a break before he had to return to work because Tim wasn't sure that he could handle going back to it now and knew that his concentration just wouldn't be there. Slipping into the stairwell, he slid down the wall and leaned back against it with his knees drawn up to his chest. It was strange, but today had really taken it out of him. He hadn't slept a damn the night before and now exhaustion threatened to take him under. He wrapped his arms around his legs, rested his head sideways on his knees and closed his eyes and let sleep drag him under to a place that he could forget….At least for a little while anyway.