As Pikachu and Vaporeon continued exploring the Water Temple, they found their next destination was a tunnel full of violent sucky whirlpools swirling around in the water. Vaporeon had no trouble maneuvering around them, but Pikachu had to use Iron Tail and drag himself around on his butt. Needless to say, he got stuck in each and every one of them. Multiple times. The whole thing took about three minutes for Vaporeon and two hours for him.
"Well, that was traumatic. Now where do we go?" asked Pikachu once they were safe.
"Well, sweetums, I think you could use your Power Whip to pull us onto the ledge on the far side of the room, but the portcullis is down."
"Hey, no problem!" Pikachu boasted. "I'll just hit that eye switch and raise the portcullis, then pull us over! It'll be simple!"
Vaporeon looked uneasy. "Are you sure about that, Pikachu?"
"Oh, come on, what could possibly happen?"
And so Pikachu fired a Razor Leaf at the switch, caused the portcullis to raise up, then targeted the chest sitting on the ledge with his Power Whip and pulled himself and Vaporeon over, flying across the room… and then got cut off mid-flight as the portcullis came slamming back down and impaled him.
"Oh yeah. The whole tempting fate thing," he choked out.
––
The two of them continued to conquer the Water Temple after that, doing many exciting things like lowering the water level, wandering around and raising the water level, then wandering around some more and raising it again. Trust me, it was a truly thrilling and moving experience that deserves to be retold, but for the sake of timeliness we're just going to cut ahead to the boss fight.
––
Once Pikachu and Vaporeon entered the Boss Chamber, they found that it contained a pool full of dark blue water with four platforms rising out of it.
"Pikachu, be careful! That's not normal water in there!" Vaporeon exclaimed.
"Really?" Pikachu had his legs crossed, looking pained. "D'you think it would still be safe for me to pee in it? All the freaking water in this place is really making me – "
He was abruptly cut off as the very-not-normal-water inside the pool began to churn and bubble. Suddenly, an enormous tentacle made of water burst out of the pool, throwing up a violent splash and drenching Pikachu and Vaporeon.
Floating inside the tentacle was a huge, purple starfish with a gleaming red jewel in its center.
"EEEEK!" cried Vaporeon. "It's the Giant Aquatic… Thing, Starmie!"
"WHAZZUP, SQUARES!" Starmie somehow bellowed, despite not having a mouth. "YOU'VE BEEN CAUSING TROUBLE IN MY PAD, SO I'M GONNA HAVE TO GIVE YOU A BEATDOWN, YOU HEAR?"
Pikachu looked offended. "Dude! I just killed a huge fire-breathing dragon and now I'm fighting a stupid starfish? Don't you think I'm better than – "
Starmie used its Psychic powers to shoot a watery tendril out of the pool, wrapping around Pikachu and flailing him around in the air.
"YIIIII-iiiiii-IIIII-iiiii-IIIII-iiiii-IIIII-iiiii-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHH!" Pikachu shrieked as the tentacle whipped him back and forth, finally flinging him facefirst into a wall.
"GONNA BACK-SASS ME AGAIN, SQUARE?" Starmie jeered, striking a bunch of poses inside its tentacle. "OOH! YEAH! I'M AWESOME!"
Pikachu staggered to his feet, looking ticked off. "Oh, that does it! I'm not having my ass handed to me by a dude who wears jewelry! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!"
He charged blindly back towards Starmie, shrieking a furious battle cry, only to be snatched up by another tendril before he'd even gotten close.
"MOTHER OF SPARTA!" he swore as he went flying over Vaporeon's head, crashing into the wall again.
"Pikachu! You have to attack its weak point for massive damage!" Vaporeon shouted at him.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GETTING AT, WOMAN?"
Starmie quickly sent another tendril snaking out of the water, but this time Pikachu dodged it and lashed out at the starfish with his Power Whip. Starmie let out a yelp as the Power Whip wrapped around it and hauled it out of its tentacle onto the ground.
"AWW, SH#T MAN! THIS AIN'T COOL!" Starmie wailed, flopping helplessly around.
"HA HA! Now to show you that real men don't have jewelry! They have SHINY YELLOW BALLS!" Pikachu shouted triumphantly and started spamming Thunderbolt on Starmie.
"Oh, Pikachu! This is so heroic and manly of you!" Vaporeon swooned, being useless as usual.
Starmie quickly noticed her and leapt back into the water, circling around and creating another tendril that burst out of the pool. Vaporeon didn't have time to react before the tendril wrapped around her and hauled her into the air.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" she screamed.
"MWA HA HA! SURRENDER NOW, SQUARE, OR I KILL YOUR OLD LADY!" Starmie bellowed triumphantly.
Pikachu looked delighted. "Really? You'd do that for me! Deal!"
Vaporeon stared down at him, then grew furious. "YOU TWO-TIMING BASTARD!"
"Took you this long to figure that out, huh?"
Vaporeon launched an Aurora Beam at Starmie, causing it to shriek in pain and release its hold on her. Then she landed on the ground next to Pikachu and glared at him very dangerously.
"Uh… heh heh…" Pikachu started sweating. "Uh, when I said I wanted it to kill you painfully, what I really meant was that I AAAAAAAAUGH!" He was cut off as Vaporeon threw herself at him and started strangling him.
"YOU MISERABLE FAT UGLY SMELLY EXCUSE FOR A FIANCÉE! YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT ME! WHY I OUGHTA – "
"Uh, Vaporeon," Pikachu choked out, pointing over her shoulder. Starmie was floating over their heads in an enormous tentacle.
"ON SECOND THOUGHT, SQUARES, THIS LOVEY-DOVEY DISPLAY IS REALLY PISSING ME OFF, SO I'M JUST GONNA KILL BOTH OF YOU!" it shouted, shooting two more tendrils out at them.
"Ugh… no! I'm not going out like this, man! It's too humiliating!" Pikachu cried out as the tendril started squeezing the life out of him. "If only there were some way for me to channel my Thunderbolt down the tentacle and hit Starmie with it! Like, if water conducted electricity or something!"
Vaporeon stared at him. "Really?"
Pikachu blinked. "Oh, right. DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!" he shouted, unleashing a lethal Thunderbolt that traveled up the watery tendril, heading straight for Starmie. The evil starfish turned to see it just in time, and (somehow) grew very pale.
"SON OF A – " was all it had time to say before the Thunderbolt hit it and caused it to explode. Pikachu and Vaporeon were violently flung backwards into the wall, and Starmie's Psychically-controlled water began warping and writhing as it rose out of the pool. With nothing left to control it, it finally splashed back down and splattered across the room, completely harmless.
"Phew… that was close!" said Pikachu once everything was still. "Good thing I'm such a genius, or we'd definitely be goners! Isn't that right?"
In response to his proud and very stupid grin, Vaporeon smacked him and dragged him into the Shiny Blue Portal.
––
When Pikachu emerged back in the Chamber of Sages, though, he was surprised to find that he was alone. After looking around for Vaporeon in confusion, he finally saw her appear on the blue platform floating across from him.
"Huh? What am I doing over here?" she wondered.
Pikachu's eyes lit up. "Wait a minute! This must mean you're the Sage of Water!" he exclaimed. "BWA HA HA HA HA! YES! SUCK IT, B#TCH! THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO STAY HERE FOREVER AND YOU CAN'T STALK ME ANYMORE! THIS MARRIAGE IS OFF! W00T W00T W00T W00T W00T!"
"Well, I suppose that is what it means," Vaporeon grumbled as Pikachu started break dancing. "Especially since I randomly have this Plate with me all of a sudden. Oh, Pikachu, I would have granted you my eternal love, no matter how much of an ass you are, but it seems the two of us can never be… will you at least take this Plate from me respectfully?"
"Sure thing, you fat ugly cow!" Pikachu crowed. Vaporeon glowered at him and hurled her Plate at his face, striking him between the eyes and causing him to fall over in a twitching heap.
Pikachu received the Splash Plate! Vaporeon adds her power to Pikachu's, but more importantly, she's now stuck in this dump and Pikachu is free of his marital obligations! How convenient!
"If you see Absol, tell him thank you for me… hmm, maybe I should have married him instead! Hey Pikachu, ask Absol if he's into smoking hot Water Sages, would you?"
––
After Pikachu was surrounded by light, he was beamed down onto the island in the middle of Lake Hylia, which was now full of water once again. Absol was already there, gazing out at the lake like those mysterious brooding character stereotypes tend to do.
"What? Oh come on, why are you here?" Pikachu fumed. "I just beat the Water Temple and now I get rewarded with a boring monologue?"
"Pretty much, yeah," Absol agreed. "Well, I can't believe it Pikachu, but you actually did it. Together, you and Princess Vaporeon destroyed the evil monster."
"Y'know, Vaporeon didn't really do much. She just followed me around everywhere nagging me and being annoying, like we already were married."
"Well, whatever. The point is, water has returned to Lake Hylia and Zora's Domain will supposedly return to normal, although it never does in the scope of this story. Now, I think you'd better – "
"AHA! THERE YOU ARE, MY LITTLE SACK OF LOVE PUDDING!" came the voice of Togetic from the lake shore as she started zooming over to them.
Absol looked freaked out. "Crap! She found me!" he cried, throwing himself into the lake and vanishing just as Togetic reached the island.
"Oh, come on! Where'd he go?" Togetic demanded, looking around impatiently.
"Uh… he had to… go direct a musical?" Pikachu guessed. "But man, T-money, I never thought I'd be so glad to see you! Vaporeon was a horrible guide! She caused me all sorts of physical and emotional damage, even more so than you, which I didn't think was possible!"
"Yeah, that's great, Not Absol," Togetic grumbled to herself. "Oh, by the way, I got you something. You can shower me with thanks and adulation whenever you want." She pulled out Heatran's Sword and threw it at him.
Pikachu's eyes bulged. "HOLY CRAP! A HUGE ASS SWORD! THIS MAKES ALL THAT TRAUMA COMPLETELY WORTH IT! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
He began cheering insanely as he swung the enormous sword around, felling the large tree on the island in one slash, and then raced across the bridge back to the mainland while leaving a trail of slain Murkrows in his wake.
Togetic watched him dumbly. "Why was this a good idea?"
––
A/N: Phew! We're finally done with the Water Temple arc! Now things will start getting very exciting...