Chapter 26
Duality
"Oh, yes. I love your songs. Sometimes I'd sit up on the chair to take a better look at... your songs... the Chargers have their own song if you'd like to hear it..." -Cremisius "Krem" Aclassi to one of Skyhold's minstrels
Leliana found a good deal of delight and frustration in equal measure as she and Sydney learned more of each other, of how to court each other, live with each other. Long conversation and debate led them to turn down a private apartment for Leliana. Pride and sensibility did not want to push their patron's generosity. Who knew what more they might have to ask of him in the future? Better to save his favor for another day.
Simplicity and practicality argued for a single shared living space. Shared duties with meals and housekeeping were easier, especially as Sydney had to teach Leliana much about housekeeping. It was both exactly the same, yet enormously different than in Thedas. Leliana nearly lost her hand reaching down the drain of the kitchen sink. A bitter fight ensued after. Sydney needed to warn about things such as that bladed disposer contraption lurking in the drain! Maker, the noise that thing made! And how easily it turned anything into sludge. She shivered whenever she thought of it, of what it could have done to her hand. Maker, no amount of magic could have healed her!
Everything about living with Sydney seemed to share this duality of frustrating yet rewarding. Sharing a bed with Sydney was positively the champion of that sentiment. On the one hand, she had to share private space, wake up in fright at unexpected touch, argue over the amount of blanket or movement or noises or light. On the other hand...
Leliana sighed dreamily. Spending hours curled close, able to fall asleep wrapped up in each other and wake to the same, sharing kisses and intimate touches at their leisure was exquisite. Every difficult argument, every embarrassing moment, every hair-pulling change in routine was worth being at Sydney's side.
They found ways to get through the frustrations. Returning to the habit of dawn training helped immensely. It was both an excellent beginning to each day and the only time of day she could exert herself in the tropical heat of Miami with the fine exception of swimming. Upon the rooftop, where they were witnesses to the golden swath of morning light replacing the twinkle of artificial torches, they could unleash their frustrations in a healthy manner, often end their exercises with laughter or conversation or passionate kisses. Leliana heartily approved of all three endings.
She giggled at her musings like a small girl. Whatever would the powers of Thedas think of a giggling Nightingale, free of underhanded intentions and motives, acting out of joy and love? They would either never believe it or think it was her lover who was planning the next assassination. And the nobles of Orlais would be aghast at the way Leliana was allowing her skin to change under the sun like the commoner she truly was. Freckles streaked her nose and cheeks and shoulders. Sydney loved tracing them and kissing them and telling Leliana how adorable she found them.
All this was tainted by headaches that only seemed to grow worse, of a weakness that persisted no matter how much sleep or food Leliana got. She had not noticed them in the first days. Some weeks into living in Miami, and Leliana found few ways to subdue them. Medicines that Sydney provided helped little. Alcohol made them worse. The best way to get through them was distraction, by making music, taking walks, reading, making love, oh yes, making love was absolutely her favorite way.
Sydney was a delicate, gentle lover, prone to submission and the most delicious sounds. She could also be an exquisitely torturous mistress of teasing. Having far less experience and training than even the lowest of bards did not keep her from being a quick study and natural talent. Perhaps some of her talent lay in the simple notion that Leliana felt each of Sydney's actions and whispers more keenly than she had with any other lover. Even Marjolaine.
The memory of Marjolaine and the prison guards sometimes spoiled their lovemaking sessions, but sometimes they made them more poignant. Leliana had barely to breathe a request to stop or change for Sydney to oblige. Every time, Leliana felt herself falling more in love with her honorable knight. It would seem too perfect to be true if Sydney didn't have immeasurably frustrating vices. Brash behavior, tendency to over drink, hate for her scars and cane and singing voice.
At least Sydney would sing around Leliana now. Usually only after several drinks and with Josiah around, but it was something. Smiling, Leliana hummed a song that Josiah had roped Sydney into singing with him, a delightful melody about sharing a new world. A whole new world. The reasons that Sydney blushed and the rest of the tavern goers had laughed remained a vague idea to Leliana, much like many culture references she encountered. She focused on how lovely the two friends were together. Their duets had the feel of long rehearsal, their voices blending well despite the sometimes off-key notes and drunken slurs.
People on the sidewalk gave Leliana sideways looks as she hummed her way past them. At the end of her second month in Miami, Leliana had chosen to let her inner child rule her day, to provide distraction from the headaches and simply enjoy the adventure of facing Sydney's world without her guidance. Leliana had spent her day wandering, nibbling street foods, watching the diverse crowds of peoples, fending off admirers.
The natives' fascination with her accent was absurdly amusing. Fereldens generally gave Orlesians wide berth, suspicious glares, if not outright hostility. These Americans had this romantic attachment to all things French, which Leliana was thought of. Lady Nelson had an overwhelming amount of stories pertaining to the notion. Strangers fawning over her accent even as it faded with her years spent in this country vexed her daily. Leliana and Lady Nelson often commiserated over the problem when they weren't talking about Sydney.
After properly reintroducing herself to Sydney's mother, Leliana had found the woman to be relaxing, a wonderful mentor and friend. Lady Nelson, for Leliana would always give her that respect in her mind though the lady preferred to be addressed as Janine, had immediately taken Leliana under her tutelage. Her assistance had many motives: the need to help her daughter, the kindness of her heart, curiosity, and also to take her measure of Leliana.
Josiah's motives for getting close to Leliana were nearly identical. It was quite a relief to discover that though he often flirted with and leered at Sydney's body, he held no more than brotherly affection for her. He reminded Leliana of Zevran. Both men were pretty, flirtatious creatures, prone to casual sex and sharing tales of it to hide their deeply passionate nature and need for attachment. Fiercely loyal, protective, and endearing once their respect and trust was earned.
Leliana paused to smile at the experiences she'd found in Sydney's world. Strange as it was, under the surface it was just like Thedas. She shook her head and cast her gaze about, taking in her surroundings to orient herself. The beach. Her feet had taken her to where she'd first arrived.
The possible doorway between worlds. The waypoint as she had come to call it.
"There was no word for heaven or for earth, for sea or sky." Leliana whispered from the Chant of Light. Threnodies 5:1, of the Maker's first creations. This world had similar creation stories and similar theology. Could the Maker be the same as this world's Elohim? Allah? It was a fascinating topic, and it made her wish for a friend from Thedas to discuss it with.
A pang tightened her chest. How much Justinia would have loved to debate the Maker's incarnations across the worlds. Leliana smiled, bittersweet. Perhaps someday, she could bring the discussion to Mother Giselle and Cassandra, who would enjoy it almost as much.
Weeks under Leliana's sharp blade had returned Sydney to battle-ready sharpness. At least, as ready as her crippled body could be. Almost. Leliana said there was room yet for improvement. Should they return to Thedas where these skills would be needed, mage healers could improve Sydney's strength and agility, not much, she would never offer such false hope, but some.
Another dawn session ended with Sydney managing to slip under Leliana's guard and tapping her neck with the practice sword.
Leliana smiled at the defeat. "My love, you never cease to amaze me."
Sydney found a bench on their rooftop gym to collapse to. "Go me."
Gracefully, Leliana settled beside her. Sydney watched with envy while rubbing her aching leg. Blue eyes tracked her motions. "Sydney, I have known warriors of sounder, stronger, more powerful bodies who would not last three moves against you."
"I'll never be that strong again," snorted from her.
"You may never regain the strength to challenge Cullen, this is true." Quiet passion filled the air. "But strength is but a small part of what makes a warrior great. Skill, intelligence, bravery," she paused to offer a slow smile. "And sheer determination to live are just as important." She leaned close until her lips touched Sydney's cheek. "And your determination to live is as fierce as any dragon's."
Sydney felt herself smiling, agreeing. Her own hand drifted to her other thigh where rock tiger claws had ripped her open so long ago. Memory relived the poisonous burn and terror of that night. Her first battle. The first touch of magic. Andraste's first words to her.
White fire flickered in her mind's eye, tickled her palms, seared her veins. Would she wield that kind of power again? Could she handle it? Would it obey? Did she want it?
"My sweet knight." Leliana murmured and kissed her jaw. "My brave love."
Sydney rolled her eyes. "Bards and their flowery words."
The kisses paused, and Leliana withdrew.
Worried she'd insulted Leli or hurt her feelings, Sydney's hand darted out to grab at her. "I'm sorry. I like your poetry."
Unworried laughter responded. "Good. I hope that extends to my lyrics as well." And Leliana drew in a breath and sang.
Shock rooted her in place, rendered her unable to grasp the words dancing in the air. Sweet melody caught her in its spell until the sparkle of the ocean distracted her. Leliana's eyes. They twinkled at Sydney through the swell and fall of the ballad, and she did not notice the song ending.
"You appear struck as though by lightning." Leliana commented. "Or perhaps by the blunt end of Cassandra's sword."
Sydney breathed, "You sang to me."
Her answering smile was shy and beautiful. "I did."
Sydney gaped. Leliana had sung before, learning new songs, joining Sydney and Josiah in silliness while cooking or over drinks, but nothing like this. Leliana had never belted out a ballad like that with Sydney as her only audience. "You sang for me."
Hands tightened on hers. "Yes."
"What was that song? I've never heard it before." She realized. "Or haven't I remembered it yet?"
Leli ducked her head. "You are the first to hear it. I waited to serenade you until it was ready."
What did that mean? "What?"
"It is a song of my crafting." Leli peered up through her hair. "Though I performed the second iteration which I wrote here in your world." Her chin lifted. "Did you not hear the words?"
"Um." Words? "No."
"Oh." Soft giggles poured out. "Did I startle you so? I suppose it's fair. Few have heard me give such a performance since the Warden's funeral."
Wow. Sydney couldn't get beyond the concept that Leliana had given Sydney a private performance of a song that Leliana had written herself. "Damn. I knew you were talented, but... Wow."
"I think that I might be persuaded to give encore performances in the future." Flushed lips curled to smile at her. Eyelashes batted. "If one has the proper leverage."
"Leverage?" Sydney drawled. She found a spurt of energy to roll her hips up and over Leliana's, straddling her, pinning her to the bench. "I'll show you leverage," muttered as she claimed willing lips.
Worry had become a constant companion for Sydney. Leliana's headaches had quickly gone from mildly annoying to decidedly painful, heading toward debilitating migraines. James was contacted and a doctor appointment gone to. The doctor, then the specialist were clueless. Sydney had a terrible guess that it was something about her world itself.
Maybe the lack of magic. Maybe the haze of air pollution. Maybe the buzz of electricity or radio signals or some other tiny, significant difference.
Those thoughts often led her thoughts to the waypoint at the beach, questioning if it was a two-way door, wondering if taking Leli home was the answer. Worst-case scenario: sending her home alone. Sydney's heart flipped. Bile rose. Leliana would never agree to that. She would suffer the migraines long before she'd allow them to be separated like that. It was both swooningly romantic and heartbreaking.
Either way, the problem remained of how. How to open the doorway?
The problems after could wait.
That's what she told herself, but Josiah wouldn't let her not think about it. During a dinner with him and Leliana, he brought up the plot issues of Dragon Age 4 yet again, asked Leliana's thoughts about it in regards to a possible return to Thedas.
Her surprising response was a shrug. "There is always some new evil to fight."
"But?" Joze gaped.
"Of course, I have been learning everything about my world and its future and past that I can, but as the games themselves show, choices and divergent stories are a fact of life. How much would my life be different if Warden Cousland had refused my company, or Sten's or Wynne's, on his quest?" Her mouth remained open as though to continue. She instead rubbed at her temples, and sighed, "Void take these headaches."
Josiah leaned forward in his chair. "Nothing's helping them?"
Leliana groaned a response.
"Is it like Syd's thing with demons?" he asked.
"Possibly."
"That's what I'm afraid of," was Sydney's unhappy drawl.
His handsome face creased, hands tightening together. "If they are, you can't stay here."
"If that's even an option." Sydney growled.
"From what you've said," Joze pressed, "Everything that's been made canon here could be totally irrelevant once you get back. It's not like the game had cultists attack Skyhold and get turned to dust by a wandering bartender. And that means there's another way to get you back there other than waiting on divine intervention."
He's been thinking too hard about this, Sydney grumbled. He'll cry like a baby if going back became a thing.
A week later, a quaint, busy coffee shop welcomed Leliana and Josiah for the discreet meeting she had asked him for. It bustled with patrons and workers and seagulls darting around the outdoor tables, hunting for bits of dropped snacks. Unpleasant creatures. Leliana scowled at the noisome birds. They made her head hurt almost as much as car horns blaring.
"Josiah." Leliana steadied herself. "I would know the customs of proposal and marriage that Sydney and her mother honor."
Coffee spewed from his nose a great many feet, covered patrons at the table next to theirs, caused a great uproar that ended with the two of them paying for that table's coffees and their own barely touched coffees before they made a hasty exit.
"You couldn't have waited half a minute before dropping that shit on me?" He groused as they walked away.
Leliana debated accepting responsibility and thrusting it on him for not being prepared for the obvious. "My apologies." Josephine would be proud of the diplomacy. "But I expected my future interest in Sydney to be obvious," exasperation won.
Josiah glanced at her, frowned. He brushed at the stain on his shirt. "Yea. Well. Marriage isn't something I ever expected out of Sydney."
"Whyever not?" Hands and feet stopped. Leliana turned to face him. "Why would you never expect Sydney to want a partner in life?"
His hands went to his sides. "One, because marriage between two women was illegal in this country until recently."
Shock slapped her. "Why?" she demanded. Excepting that unpleasant couple on the beach who had started a fight they couldn't win, most seemed warm or indifferent toward Leliana and Sydney's romance. She had assumed those feelings prevailed in this culture.
"Because the powers in charge, mostly religious assholes, thought same sex relations was a sin."
"But," she flailed. "But the Maker created in us an infinite capacity for love. Why would He give His children this if He did not intend for us to find it?"
"The Chantry doesn't exist here."
"I have studied the religions of this world, and though I could spend a lifetime learning all there is to know of them, it is easy to see that we worship the same god."
Anger was etching his face. "And how do you explain Tevinter? They have the Chantry, but they don't let men like Dorian marry men."
"Because he is a noble, a magister, and their culture wishes to breed the most powerful mages possible. Dorian welcoming men to his bed would be given a blind eye as long as he produced heirs. Their way is cruel, but s-"
"And Krem? Why was he treated like a wet sack of shit for joining the army?"
Krem? She had to search her mind for the name. Ah. One of the Iron Bull's men, a good warrior, attractive, a bit short, even when not standing next to his leader. And female of body. Tevinter forbid women from joining the ranks of warriors sent to battle.
Josiah's clenched fists shook. "Power, Leliana. Women who have no interest in men and their households are more difficult to control. Women who act like men challenge the concept of masculinity that straight men hold so fucking dear."
Straight. Leliana spat on the term. As though preferring anything but the opposite sex was crooked or misdirected. She had heard the term used many times before, but only now began to understand the full import of its use.
"And people like us, who like both, we're just confused troublemakers." He growled.
She hadn't felt particularly homesick these many weeks, but it was striking her hard, fast, painfully. To grow up in a culture that deemed love a sin... Her head throbbed.
Maker, give me strength, she prayed.
Angry sentinels, they stood trembling. Josiah recovered first. He drew in a deep breath and pushed it out. "And Syd's never had a serious relationship. I guess I thought no one would ever be good enough for her or something. And now," his shoulders locked. "Now, you're talking about proposing to Syd while she's looking into a way to get you home, because of your headaches. I might not even get to be part of your wedding."
It struck her funny how Sydney and Josiah were so much alike, yet polar opposites. Sydney rarely showed the kind of vulnerable sadness that Josiah was currently displaying, never among strangers. Leliana smiled softly. She stepped close, gathered the man in her arms, kissed his cheek. "Sydney is blessed to have a friend who loves her this much."
He sagged into the embrace. "She ever talk to you about whether she believes in your Maker?"
The abrupt way he switched topics had Leliana giving it ample thought. No. Such a conversation had never happened. Why was he concerned? Should she be? Sydney had no doubts about Andraste, couldn't. She herself had admitted that Andraste guided her, talked to her. But that did not mean she believed in or honored the Maker. That...
That had never occurred to Leliana.
"Why?" She asked softly.
Josiah sighed. "I know how devout you are. I've seen you pray and heard Sydney's stories about you. I don't want to assume about what you need in a partner, but you two might want to have that talk."
They slid apart, both of them pensive. Leliana nodded. "I thank you for your thoughts."
Shoulders sagged with relief. "Yea. Okay, about your earlier question. Proposing to Syd." A worried beat. "If that's still a thing?"
Whyever would she not want to? "Whatever her beliefs about the Maker, I would yet love her."
"Oh good."
"I wish to see her my wife." Leliana smiled softly. "Not the next Divine."
He rubbed his neck. "That just got real as fuck. Okay. If you ask her mother first, Syd will kill you. If you ask Syd first, then her mother, Syd will kill you. Asking anyone if they approve of you marrying Syd won't end well for you."
Leliana's selfish nature and peasant beginnings sang at the freedom of what he was suggesting. Her time playing the Game, the respect drilled into her by the nobility, was aghast. How could she not ask the head of house's permission to marry their daughter? Janine would not deny them. She approved of their pairing. But Josiah was right. Sydney would be insulted and enraged if Leliana asked her mother for permission.
"We would not be able to hide it from Lady Nelson." She frowned.
Josiah snorted. "No one said hide it. Propose to Syd in private, then both of you can tell Janine. Make it a big thing that gets her crying in front of everybody." He chuckled. "I will so record it."
"And what of the customs she follows?"
A large hand waved that off. "Aside from you getting down on one knee and presenting her a ring, she couldn't care less. There are some stupid wedding traditions she might like to follow, but nothing serious. Ah. Can I go ring shopping with you?"
Ring shopping? Nug shit. She had not the funds for this. Lord Grosvenor would be accommodating, surely, but did she want to spill her plans to him?
"I'll pay, and we'll call it my wedding present."
That was reasonable. But, "Our travels between worlds seem to divest us of our material possessions. I would hate to get her something special that would have to be left behind."
His expression fell. A frown quickly dispersed it, replaced it with focused determination. "Fuck it. I'll keep it safe until you guys visit."
Leliana sighed and rubbed her temples. Her day's headache was gaining a solid foothold, destroying her focus, stealing her patience. "Let us talk of this later." She had no wish to ponder unpleasant conundrums.
Medicine was offered, and Josiah escorted Leliana to Sydney's apartment. Mutters were exchanged between the friends about Leliana's headache as she bitterly closed curtains for the minor relief from hard sunlight and huddled on the couch. She was well and deep into her misery when a soft touch stroked her brow. Cold water was set close. Neither helped much with the pain. Still, they both brought a smile to Leliana. Her lovely knight's presence was reassuring, and she gratefully sank her head to Sydney's lap. She vaguely noted that Josiah was gone.
"Want some music?" Gentle concern offered. Sydney's eyes were dark with worry.
"Will you sing for me?" Leliana asked without thinking and mentally flogged herself at Sydney's stiffened posture.
Shock had her gaping when soft notes fell, an old Ferelden song popular among travelers and the weary. It was a promise of safety, a warm hearth, of good crops and fat babies. Leliana's mother had hummed it to her many times. Comfort wrapped around her, warming her soul, sweetening her smile. Sydney was setting aside her self-doubt to sing for Leliana. What more could she ask for in a spouse?
Leliana took up one of Sydney's hands, traced its lines, played with the fingers. The one meant for a ring of marriage was memorized and compared to Leliana's own. It matched her forefinger. She decided to take Josiah up on his offer to go shopping for a ring. The rush of excitement and emotions nearly pushed back the headache, and she smiled, holding Sydney's hand to her heart, dreaming of the day they would exchange vows.
A/N – Alright, I got a Disney reference tossed in just for those of you who wanted Leli to watch a Disney flick! Couldn't make that happen. Too much other to do. I hope the beginning rush of this chapter wasn't awful to read. I just needed time to move faster!