We here at DeathDealer Inc would like to dedicate this chapter to everyone who doesn't ever review and to our loyal, diligent and verbally creative critics.

Truly, you're the people who keep me from the grave.

Castle Krakenburg

"Hmm, that's weird," was Corrin's first thought when she first woke up from her luxurious orphan-skin bed, "I could have sworn I was somewhere else when I went to sleep...eh, it's probably nothing."

It was a dark and cloudy day in Castle Krakenburg and the lovely sound of kittens being strangled by their faceless, emotionless mooks filled the air as Corrin strolled across the skull-covered battlements. Tipping her hat to the guards, Corrin stepped through a door and was immediately standing in front of the big evil throne room with her siblings standing all around her.

"Wait a second…" Corrin thought aloud, "Since when to outside doors lead straight to the throne room? That's like the opposite of security."

Xander shrugged, "Well the game never showed what was between there and here, and we must be faithful to the game."

Elise nodded her approval, "Completely and utterly. No changing ANYTHING!"

"Oh, well, that makes sense," Corrin agreed. The original story was the original story, after all. Adding or subtracting anything could only go horribly. After all, it's not like fanfiction had any right to change the basic premise to create a more interesting storyline. That was just silly. "Let's go see what father is doing!"

One scene transition later.

"BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MINE IS AN EVIL LAUGH! BUA HA HA HA HAHA HEE HEE HA AH AHA AHAH HAHAHAHA! HA!"

"Hello, father! You look very jolly this grimdark morning!"

"Jolly?" He thought a moment, "Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. I suppose I am...very EVILLY jolly that is! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Ha ha, oh father!"

The Bottomless Canyon

Corrin looked solemnly on the fortress ahead of her as she stood on the rickety as hell bridge that was all that separated her from an inhumanly large drop. The precariousness of her situation setting in as she questioned silently what kind of idiot would build the worst bridge in all of existence above what was probably the most dangerous cliff in all of existence. The stupidity of the action completely boggled her mind as she stood alone.

She would have had retainers with her, but Hans reportedly ate them, so she made him sit in time out. It was probably for the best, though, seeing as how any more than one person probably would have made the bridge fall apart, just from how rickety it was. And somehow Gunter was supposed to be able to ride a horse on this thing? It was as if the developers had absolutely no clue as to how basic architecture worked. A horse on a plank bridge was already a bad idea, but on a bridge as crappy as this one? Seriously, was she just expected to be completely braindead?

Oh well, at least according to what her father said, in between bouts of evil laughter, she shouldn't have any trouble with the fortress. It was supposed to be completely empty. Evidently, this fortress sitting right on the border between Nohr and Hoshido has absolutely no strategic importance, at least that's what she assumed.

"Halt, who goes there?!"

Then again, she did live in a fortress her entire life. It only made sense that she would be stupid.

"I come in-" Twang. "Pea- did I always have an arrow in my eye?"

Indeed, at some point when she didn't notice, someone apparently shot an arrow in Corrin's eye. Upon realizing this, she promptly died.

"HA! Take that, EVIL! Your evil evilness is no match for our bow-and-arrows of peace! HOSHIDO RULES!"

That's one way it could have gone...

But it also could have gone like this...

Corrin: Let's kill dad.

Leo: What?! Why?

Corrin: Why not? He's the only reason that Nohr has the horrible reputation it has. If we kill him, we can put someone more benevolent like Xander on the throne and make peace with Hoshido and not have to sacrifice innocent lives just to get dad to sit on a magic chair. Easy.

Xander: But he's our dad! We can't kill him!

Corrin: ...seriously?! He's wanted to kill us several times on a whim! He's not our father! Family goes deeper than blood! Have you forgotten that's the reason why I picked all of you over my real siblings!?

-silence: -

Camilla: Oooh, you're wonderful...

Corrin: Back off, my beloved smother. You still scare the crap out of me.

(Credit goes to Josh Scorcher, The Fiery Joker. Look him up, he's cool.)

That's another way it could have ended...

But what about this...

Northern Fortress

All the servants stood diligently around Corrin's bed, watching her while she slept.

"Isn't this kind of...strange?" Felicia questioned

"No, just think of what a great establishing shot it will be when the camera focuses on us," said Jakob, "How else will the viewer know that we're the servents if we're not all sitting right here, right when she wakes up?"

"I'm more worried about why she's not waking up. It's almost five in the afternoon," said Flora

"One second, I'll check," Jakob took a second to feel her pulse, "Hmm...oh, well, oh my..."

"What is it?"

"It appears she died. Alcohol poisoning, most likely. Either that or an STD. Really, with the way she was characterized in this fanfic, it was kind of a miracle she didn't die of some disease or gotten pregnant at any point before the start of the story."

"Yes, very unhealthy lifestyle..."

"People should really not drink heavily or have multiple sexual partners. Seriously, kids, it's not new, people have been doing it for thousands of years. Why is this still in style? Drinking is the leading cause of death, taking 88,000 lives per year. I would get you a pregnancy and STD statistic but that's a bit harder, but I can imagine it's not much smaller. Just...stop doing it!"

"So what do we do about her?" Jakob gestured to the dead body of Corrin

"One second please, I need to go compose myself. Felicia, come by later, we'll have a cake." Flora quietly bowed and left the room. Softly humming 'ding dong, the witch is dead.'

"...I guess I'm going to a party," said Felicia, "What about the rest of you?"

Gunter shrugged, "I guess we'll do what we've been doing throughout the entire story. Just sit in the background and only come in when the author remembers that we haven't made appearances for a long time to remind the audience that we exist."

"Oh Cooooooorin!" Suddenly, a wild Camilla appeared, leaping into the bedroom, "Guess what your older sister got...you...OHHHHHHH MYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

But here's what actually should have happened...

Castle Krakenburg

"Hey Leo?"

"Yes Elise?"

"I've been thinking."

"What about, Elise?"

"It's about...our clothes."

"What about them?"

"Leo...our clothes are black."

"So?"

"And our soldiers' uniforms...they have skulls on them. Have you ever noticed that?"

"Well...yeah, I suppose I did-"

"And just the other day, me and Corrin overheard father laughing his ass off while screaming about murdering people in Anonkos' name."

"Is there some point you're trying to make?"

"It's just...that doesn't strike you as a bit weird?"

"No, it doesn't."

"And you've never wondered why we worship a creepy demon dragon that took away our sun and killed all our plants? Nobody ever told me why we did that. I feel like the world would be better if someone just wrote that dragon thing out."

"Nonsense. A world without the evil dragon god that completely derails the plot and ruins the interesting concept of two flawed by understandable sides, removing all moral ambiguity by just shoving a giant monster in and saying "that's teh bad guy"? You're telling me you would prefer a world without that? Nobody would ever write something like that!"

"I guess you're right...still, this whole scenario we're in just feels really weird. You know, earlier, I saw a bald guy screaming about murder too. In fact, it seems like a lot of old men around here like screaming about murder. I don't think there's a single soldier in our army who doesn't scream about murder in his off time."

"Perfectly healthy."

"And you don't find it odd at all that despite having a technology level of medieval Germany, we decide to use bones in our armor, despite the fact that we should have been mass-producing iron weapons and armor centuries ago. Yet our soldiers frequently use bones...because?"

"Elise, just what point are you trying to make here?"

"...Leo...are we the baddies?"

"..."

Castle Krakenburg

"BLAAARG! WHY DIDN'T YOU KILL THOSE GUYS?!"

Corrin looked down as Garon roared at her, "But...morality, and sad face, and crying. And they were Hoshidan, it's like, a crime against nature to kill Hoshidans. They're just so attractive, that pretty much equals goodness. Killing Hoshidans makes me so sad, I just have to cry..."

"BLAH! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! I WILL KILL YOU! AND YOUR SIBLINGS! AND YOUR MAIDS! AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO! BHA- *stab* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! PAIN! I DIE!"

Garon's creepy goo body dissolved after Xander ran his sword through it, thus killing the evil blob once and for all.

"At last, the evil guy is dead and all shall be peaceful forever," Xander gave a sigh of relief

"Indeed," Corrin nodded approvingly, "Really, we probably should have figured out a long time ago that he was evil. I mean, why else would he be grey when all the rest of us are white?"

"It's a good thing living without sunlight does absolutely nothing to one's complexion, or there would probably be a lot more moral ambiguity about all this," said Xander, "Well, whatever. Now that evil king Garon is dead, I may finally take his throne and rule Nohr the way it was meant. We will start by banning Anonkos worship, because if human history has taught us anything, trying to restructure a state religion never goes wrong for anyone involved. Then-"

"HOLD IT!" Suddenly, a wild Iago appeared, aiming his pointed finger right at the heroes,

"Iago!" Corrin gasped, "Where have you been all story?!"

"Oh, me and the other forgotten characters who couldn't fit into the story have been hanging out in MyCastle until the author finds a place to put us. But anyway, what makes you think you're going to be king now, Mr. tall, blond, and handsome? What, you think that just because you killed the king, that makes you king now? Where did you read succession law, from a fairy tale book?"

"No! ...It was a video game!"

"Well, a bit of historical law lesson for you, buster! By killing the previous king, and being discovered doing the act, and having made absolutely no effort to cover up the fact that you just murdered the lawful monarch, you have legally disinherited yourself! Murdering kings is a crime, and convicted criminals are not in a position to inherit anything, let alone a kingship! The best you can hope for is exile, the more likely outcome is execution at the hands of this kingdom's lords and court!"

"But then...who becomes king now?"

"Well...honestly, in this case, nobody would really know. All the other kids were bastards, actual bastards and not the swear word, so all their claims are pretty flimsy, and Corrin doesn't even have any royal blood, so she's disqualified from the outset. It seems we'll just have to have a succession crisis. I guess we'll just have to hope that Hoshido doesn't decide to invade while we're trying to figure this all out, most likely through a long and bloody civil war. So thanks for that, 'heroes.'"

Corrin laughed, "Ah, Hoshido wouldn't do anything like that. They're the good-"

Shirasagi Castle

And one day, at least in Shirisagi they say, a humongous laser beam of rainbow colors went across the land and blew up all of Nohr in one big explosion that somehow reminded the citizens of friendship. Like a giant, friendly nuke.

"Ryoma!" Sakura screamed as she ran frantically to the throne room, "What was that?!"

"Oh, well, you know that weird barrier powered by bullshit love magic that mother created...somehow?"

"Yeah…"

"Well today, she decided that rather than use the Power of Friendship to build a wall keeping all the dirty Nohrian foreigners out of our prosperous and rich nation, why not just destroy Nohr all together? So she used a giant friendship blast, good guy power, and a little bit of love, and utterly annihilated all of Nohr in one giant explosion. Now there's no more bad guys anywhere and everything will be peaceful forever!"

"...Just like that? Nohr was the source of all evil? There's no other bad things anywhere else in the world?"

"Nope! The only place other than Nohr is Hoshido, and we're all good guys! I mean, we have grass!"

"But what about the inner nature of man? And our political and socioeconomic structure? And complex diplomatic relations, and the state of the lower class, and war refugees, and the slightly racial undertones of having the nation entirely composed Japanese archetypes being portrayed as morally right all the time, and-"

"Oh come on, Sakura, not this again. Why are you always insisting on interesting and complex 'Grey and Gray morality' structures? Good guys won and bad guys died, isn't that enough for you?"

"I'm just saying! I feel like this ending completely overwrites a much more interesting premise! One with political intrigue, depth, flawed characters on both sides, a deep analysis on Hoshido's ideals and how they would play out in a realistic environment, gruesome war scenes, trauma leaving impacts over multiple chapters, and one where I might even have a love interest…"

"Sakura, go to your room! And don't come out until you're stereotypical!"

Remember kids, if life ever gets you down and you aren't quite certain about what path to take or what the moral thing to do is, because you live in a complex world of nuance, just remember the Golden Rule: Good-looking people can do no wrong!

Or as StarKid Productions put it: "If you're good and you're attractive, no need to be proactive! Good things will just happen to you!"

Fun Fact: April Fools' Day was popularized in the year 1700 by English nobles, however the day of origin is difficult to pinpoint. Some speculate it started in 1563 France when they switched their calendar, and those who didn't get the memo continued to celebrate the beginning of the New Year at a different date than everyone else, thus making that day the fools' day. Others believe it is a continuation of the Greco-Roman Holiday Hilaria, a merry festival that never quite went out of style.

Whatever the source of the holiday, let us all use this opportunity to express our gratitude and appreciation to all the fools, tricksters, and merry mess makers that we have in our lives. Thank you, James. You too, Mary. :)