Emmett: *is dressed in lacey black dress* W-why?! WHY MUST HE BE GONE!?

Lauren: Who cares. *eats cracker*

Emmett: DON'T PRETEND LIKE YOU CARE! I DON'T NEED YOUR SYMPATHY! *smears peanut butter over a handkerchief*

Lauren: Ok...

Emmett: YOU NEVER APPROVED OF HARRY DID YOU? EVEN AT THE WEDDING, YOU SAT THERE WITH A FROWN ON YOUR FACE! AND THEN WHEN HE GAVE BIRTH TO OUR CHILD, WHERE WERE YOU? NOWHERE!

Lauren: *munches on second cracker*

Emmett: AND DURING THE DIVORCE YOU WERE HAPPY AS A LAMB!

Bella: Does that mean me? I'm a lamb.

Emmett: A REAL lamb!

Bella: That hurt Emmett. That really hurt. I AM A REAL LAMB! I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU! I'LL PROVE IT TO ALL OF YOU!

Lauren: Sigh. Screw the crackers. I need something stronger. *opens packet of chocolate biscuits*

"Would you like to say a few words Emmett?" Carlisle asked like he was bored or something. I couldn't imagine why. The funeral had only been going seven and a half hours. An hour for every minute Harry and I shared...

I sniffed and shook my head. "No. It would only set me off."

"Why don't you say something Bella?" Bonnie suggested sweetly. "We all know how brilliant and unawkward you are when it comes to public speaking. Lets all stare at Bella in a pressurising and attention-filled way."

Everyone stared and Bella stopped knitting. Wait...knitting?

Lauren: We'll come to that later...

Whatever.

Bella turned bright red. "I...I..."

Edward narrowed his eyes at Bonnie. "How much did...." he glanced at Bella. "L-A-U-R-E-N pay you?"

"I know how her name is spelt Edward." Bella snapped. "I'm not stupid."

Somwhere, someone sitting in a tree eating biscuits laughed hysterically.

"She paid me in stuffing." Bonnie explained. "Am I looking significantly plumper?"

I burst into peanut tears again. "H-harry was p-plump..."

Everyone was still looking at Bella expectantly.

"Uh...Harry was a good guinea pig..." she mumbled.

"Uniuinea pig." Bonnie and I corrected her.

Bella apparently didn't hear us. "And..uh..he was named after Harry Potter, right?"

I threw a tomato at her. "Get off the stage!"

"I'm not on a-"

"For your information," I sobbed. "Harry was named after Harry Uniinkle, the FIRST EVER unicorn president."

"Ok..." Bella scratched her head. "So as I was saying, Harry was really cool and...stuff."

"Uniternal reeest!" I started to sing in a opera voice. "Graaaant to him oh Charlie! And let peanut butter shine upon him."

"May he rest in honey." Bonnie sang. "May he rest in honey."

There was a awkward silence as we sobbed. Then Esme started to slowly clap.

"T-thank y-you." I sobbed. "We're signing CD's out back s-so if any of you want to-"

"Do we have any yogurt left?" Bella asked Edward conversationally.

"Yes." he replied. "Chocolate."

She pouted. "I prefer strawberry."

I howled. "H-Harry..."

"Harry liked strawberries?" Alice guessed sarcastically.

"No." I sobbed. "Harry preferred stuff too!"

"Ok." Carlisle started to walk away. "The funeral is officially over. We have buried Harry." he pointed to the little grave. "We have said hundreds of unirayers. You've dressed us all in horns and hooves. Enough! In fact, enough of all this unicorn stuff altogether!"

I gasped and pointed a shaky finger at him. "Y-you...YOU HATE UNICORNS!"

"What? No! Well, yes. But thats not what I was s-"

"YOU ARE EVIL!"

Edward snorted. "Emmett, don't be stupid. Carlisle is the least evil person ever."

"EEEEVIL!" I howled. Then my mouth dropped open. "It all makes sense now. It's like this is the last piece of the puzzle..."

"What all makes sense...?" asked Carlise cautiously.

"YOU'RE DARTH VADER!" I screamed.

Bella raised her hand. "Can I be Luke Skywalker?"

"NO!" I yelled at her. "THIS IS NOT A JOKE!" I started to run around in circles with my hands in the air. "CODE RED! CODE RED!"

Bonnie slapped me and I stopped. "Emmett! Stop it! You're being absolutely ridiculous. Carlisle is not Darth Vader....."

"Thank you Bonnie."

"...HE'S VOLDEMORT!"

We both squealed and clutched each other.

"DON'T CURSE US CARLDEMORT!" I begged.

Bonnie threw a purple grape at him. "Look Carldemort! It's the philosophers stone!"

Bella stopped knitting and grabbed the grape. "Oooo! Is it seedless?"

I nodded and she started to eat it.

Edward stopped looking shocked for a moment. "Bella, love, don't eat that. It's been on the ground...." But she growled at him and covered her grape protectively so he backed away.

"CAAARLDEMORT!"

Carldemort started to run away but I grabbed his collar and dragged him back. "Albice!" I called. "Albice Dumbledore! Help us!"

Alice groaned. "If I help you will you leave me alone?"

"Albice! You must cast a spell to make Carldemort DIEEE!"

She sighed. "Ok. Ummm, hocus pocus?"

"BOOM!" Bonnie made the sound effects.

"He is dead!" I declared triumphantly.

"But I'm right he-"

"DEAD!"

Bonnie sighed happily. "What now Emarry Potter?"

I scratched the scar I had painted on with peanut butter. "I believe that unicorns favour wizards. Is that correct?"

She nodded.

"Then perhaps we will have more luck with our sacred list now that we are..." I threw some glitter into the air. "...magical!"

"Magical." she echoed.

I grabbed a leash. "Lets go."

"What's the leash for?"

I nodded at Jacob who I had kept locked in a cage as punishment ever since he and Jasper won the Unicorn race. "Jake is getting restless. He needs to stretch his furry legs."

"Leech!" Jacob whined. "I phased back days ago! I'm not a wolf anymore! Let me out!"

"The dog talks!" hissed Bonnie.

I tied the collar around Jacob's neck. "Come on doggie!" I cooed in a baby voice. "Come for walkies!"

"But I-"

"You do not speak." I growled. "Only woofing."

He glared at me and scowled. "Woof."

"What did he say oh wise one?" Bonnie asked.

"He says he wants some peanut butter." I translated.

"I didn't s-" He saw my face. "I mean...woof."

"I'm sorry Tina...."

"The girly unicorn with a long mane." piped up Bonnie.

"... But peanut butter time is not now. It is after we go walkies."

Bonnie tried to poke her tongue out at him but then realised she didn't have one.

"Woof woof woof." muttered Jake darkly.

"Now now Tina." I scolded. "No need for cursing."

"Woof."

I nodded kindly. "I forgive you."

Bonnie looked confused. "I don't understand him at all. Ask him to speak in unicorn language."

I nodded. "You heard the doll, Tina. Speak our lingo."

Jacob rolled his eyes. "Unioof?"

Bonnie and I clapped our hands. "Congratulations. You are now one of us."

He howled sadly and curled into the fetal position.

"Lets go get listy!" I giggled. I yanked at the leash and Jacob got down on all fours. "Crawl!"

*

"You are so SLOW!" I complained half an hour later when we reached the hospital elevator. "I thought you wolves were supposed fast or something."

"Ow! My knees!" groaned Jacob flopping down onto the ground.

I pulled at the leash. "Bad dog! No talking! Only unioofing!"

"Unioof."

Bonnie gave us each a razor. "Number fourteen requires us to be emo. These are just incase you want to really get into the role." she patted Jacob's shoulder kindly. "Lauren recommends you really really get into this role Jake. Do you need me to show you?" she positioned the razor on her wrist. "Ok, watch me and then you try...."

"We don't have time for this!" I cried. "The unicorns will get irritable!"

They nodded and I pushed them into the elevator where a group of cheerleaders were waving pom poms at us.

"Heeeeeey!" one squealed at me. "WUU2?"

"NM." I replied. "WBU?"

"We're here because Stacey hurt her ankle at practice today." she pointed at a blonde one in a cast.

"OMFG!" I gasped. "Poor Stacey!"

The girl nodded. "I know. I'm Britney BTW."

"Emarry." I held out my hand. "Emarry Potter. I defeated Carldemort the dark wizard."

She looked confused. "Is that like Prada?"

"Kinda."

Bonnie nudged me. "Em! Remember the list!"

14. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

"Oh right." I air kissed Britney. "BRB hun. GTG do something."

I turned and faced the wall silently along with Jake and Bonnie.

The girls watched us for a few minutes. Stacey coughed.

"What's wrong with this elevator?" Candy the other cheerleader asked. "It's like...stopped."

A cricket somewhere chirped.

"Can we stop now?" Bonnie asked.

I nodded and turned around. "Soz babes. Just had to do something."

Britney flipped her hair over her shoulder. "I, like, totally understand. Like, once, I totally had to do this thing. And like, I was soz too. So yeah."

"Totes." I agreed. "Hey, Brit, do you like, believe in unicorns?"

She wrinkled her nose. "Ew. Animals."

I stared at her and backed away. "YOU'RE ONE OF THEM!"

15. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

"Like..." she checked out her nails. "One of what?"

"A UNIATER! A HATER OF UNICORNS!" I stomped my foot.

Jacob smirked. "Did you really just stomp you foot? I thought girls only did that on-"

"WRONG STORY!" we all screamed at him.

Bella: And now for the big reveal about why I was knitting earlier!

Emmett: *mumbles* At Harry's funeral of all places. Mutter mutter...disrespectful...mutter

Bella: *hides behind curtain for a while and then suddenly jumps out* Ta daaaa!

Lauren: Uh...why are you dressed in a badly knitted sheep costume?

Bella: *pouts* I'm a lamb! I told you I'd prove it to you all! And now I have!

Lauren: You look like a really ugly snowflake that's just been mugged.

Bella: But...but...*prances around in an attempt to be merry* I'm a happy little lamb! I'm Edward's little lamb! I even knitted him a lion costume...*produces the....thing...* Pretty?

Edward: *turns to Lauren* I'll give you a lock of my hair if you hide me right now.

Lauren: Ok... A lock of your hair...and...plane tickets for two to Isle Esme!

Edward: *nudges* Ahhh, who's the second ticket for eh?

Lauren: Ummm...you.

Edward: Suuure! *winks knowingly* But we ALL know who you're really going to take.

Lauren: *is getting freaked out* Who?

Edward: *smirks* I won't embarrass you by saying his name infront of everyone. It'll just be our little secret.

Lauren: Ok, seriously Edward. I don't know what you're talking about...

Edward: Lauren and Se-eth up a tree...

Lauren: SETH!? WEREWOLF SETH?

Seth: Lauren?

Lauren: Seth?

Seth: Lauren?

Lauren: Seth?

Emmett: EMMETT!