Twenty-Six
Malfoy Manor was quiet. Not that it was ever loud, but there was a sort of emptiness to the silence that made Narcissa shiver. Every room had once been filled to the rafters with potential. A baby would have meant a fresh start and maybe a clean slate. There would have been crying and nighttime feedings and naptimes and absolute marvelling at the creation of a new human being. Her life would have had more of a purpose, been more fulfilled, she would have been happier. A baby would have been just more.
Instead, her grief was the proverbial albatross around her neck. Her entire body seemed to wilt with the effort of getting through each day. Her hair hung lank and limp, her face bore no expression, her eyes were flat and empty and her shoulders slumped. Lucius tried everything he could, but it was obvious that nothing but time was going to help.
Severus watched the grieving pair, his heart aching for them. He wanted to help, but he knew, like Lucius, that there was nothing to be done. The only good thing to come of this was Lucius and Narcissa's reconciliation, and even so, he worried once they both healed, things would go back to normal. His letters to Sirius were gloomy, and he could tell Sirius was worried. Sirius believed (rightly so) that the Malfoys' grief was contributing to Severus' own grief over his father's death. All in all, Malfoy Manor was possibly the least cheery place in the Wizarding World, at that particular moment in time.
When September 1st arrived, Severus suspected he'd be going to King's Cross on his own, since Lucius refused to be away from Narcissa for more than a few minutes at a time. It didn't bother Severus in the least—he was used to getting to the station by himself. Besides, he had passed his Apparation test in March, so he could Apparate directly onto the platform.
He double- and triple-checked his trunk to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything (Lucius had sent a house elf to get all of Severus' school books a few weeks previous) and shrunk it to fit into his pocket.
He knocked on the door to Narcissa's sitting room—they had progressed to spending nearly all day in bed to spending all day behind the closed door of the sitting room—and eased it open.
"I just wanted to say goodbye. I'm headed to the station."
"Oh, it's the first, isn't it?" Lucius said, feeling guilty for forgetting.
"Yes. Don't worry, I'm accustomed to getting there on my own."
Lucius stood and met Severus in the middle of the room. He pulled his surrogate brother into a tight hug. "Have a good term."
Severus hugged Narcissa next, very gently since she looked like she might break if he used too much force.
"Come stay with us at Christmas," Narcissa said, but it was a half-hearted offer.
"I'll let you know." Severus said nonchalantly. "It is my N.E.W.T. year, so I might have a lot of work over the holidays."
"You're always welcome here," Lucius said firmly, giving Severus' shoulder a squeeze.
"Thank you," Severus said, and he wasn't entirely sure what he was thanking Lucius for. It was more of a blanket statement, intended to cover everything Lucius had done for him over the years.
Platform 9 and ¾ was crowded and steamy, as per usual. Sirius' eyes scanned the crowd for Severus, but it was impossible to see anyone with all the bloody mist. He did, however, spot his mother hugging Reg and tearfully bidding him a goodbye. That little shit, thought Sirius angrily. He doubted he would ever quite get over the hurt Walburga's favouritism had caused him over the years.
He hugged Mrs Potter goodbye, shook Mr Potter's hand and followed James onto the train. They found Remus already hunched in a compartment, looking quite a bit worse for the wear.
"Rough summer, Moony?" Sirius asked sympathetically.
Remus nodded. "How was yours?"
"Absolute shite." Sirius told Remus about Alphard's death, while neglecting to mention that Alphard had actually been his father. He also severely misrepresented the amount of gold he now had sitting in a Gringotts vault, suggesting that he had gotten much less. Remus' family didn't have much money, and Sirius hardly wanted to flaunt it in his face. Plus, that much money suggested there was more to the story.
"I'm so sorry, Padfoot. But at least you got to spend the second half of the summer with James."
"True. Although I spent the whole time listening to him wax poetic about Evans." Sirius smirked.
"What else is new?" Remus smirked back.
"Oh, sod off," James snapped, but he was grinning.
Peter arrived next, looking as small and shifty as usual. They watched him struggle with his trunk for a few minutes before Remus took pity on him and helped him lift it onto the rack overhead.
"How was your summer, Wormy?" James grinned as the smaller boy collapsed, chest heaving, into the seat beside Remus.
"Not too bad." He began telling a story that none of them were listening to. Lily had arrived and she and James and Remus had begun a game of Exploding Snap while Sirius was on the lookout for Severus.
Sirius nearly leapt out of his seat when he spotted Severus, but managed to keep his cool.
"Go," Remus hissed. "Lily and I can distract them."
Sirius didn't hesitate. While Remus turned his full attention to Peter and began asking him questions about their summer Transfiguration assignment and Lily stuck her tongue down James' throat, Sirius slipped out of the compartment and followed Severus. He caught up to his boyfriend quickly and tapped him on the shoulder.
Severus wheeled around quickly, startled. "Sirius," he hissed, "What are you doing?"
He pulled Severus quickly into the boys' toilet and locked the door. Their lips collided clumsily as the train went around a curve. Sirius began pulling at Severus' clothes with little success. Their tongues tangled and Severus twisted his hands into Sirius' hair. Sirius ground his hips against Severus' and they both groaned loudly. Sirius fumbled with the button on Severus' trousers, but the other boy slapped his hands away.
"We're not doing this here." Severus whispered.
"We could," Sirius hissed in Severus' ear, before nibbling on his earlobe.
Severus sighed and rested his forehead on Sirius' shoulder. "We can't. Everyone in my compartment expected me back five minutes ago."
Sirius sighed heavily. "You're kidding me, right?"
"Unfortunately not. We're having top secret future Death Eater conversations." Severus smiled weakly but Sirius didn't laugh at his rather pathetic joke.
"I'd rather not know that, actually." Sirius said, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans.
Severus kissed Sirius once more, before unlocking the door and slipping out of the toilet. Sirius gave him a five minute head start, before heading back to his own compartment. When he returned, Remus was sitting alone.
"Where's everyone else?" Sirius frowned, dropping back into his seat.
"Oh, Lily and James snuck off to somewhere more private, I expect. Peter is apparently too hungry to wait for the food trolley to get to this end of the train, so he's gone off to look for it. How's Severus?"
Sirius only sighed heavily again.
"That well, eh?"
"He's fine, I suppose. I'm the one that has the problem, I guess. It's a bit of a mood killer when your boyfriend has to run off because he's got Death Eater things to do."
"I would imagine so. Have you tried to talk him out of it?"
"Yeah, and we broke up over it. Maybe I'm being stupid, but I'd rather not go there again."
Remus shrugged. "I don't think you're being stupid."
"Thanks, Moony."
They sat in silence for a while, just watching the countryside speed past. It was a comfortable silence between friends who know all of each other's secrets and still trust each other implicitly. Sometimes, Sirius trusted Remus more than he trusted James. James had grown up with a silver spoon in his mouth, pampered and loved by his parents, without any true grasp of hardship. He had a tendency to get in his own way, letting his ego and his prejudices get the better of him. Remus, on the other hand, had lived a life thus far filled with nothing but hardship and was still an unfailingly nice person. He had the right to complain and whine about how difficult his life was, and he never did. Instead, he had spent years listening while Peter moaned about whatever insignificant detail was bothering him, never snapped at James while he moped about Lily, and put up with Sirius' arrogant bullying nature for far longer than anyone would have expected of him. And despite all that, he was still their friend, still the person all of them would turn to when they needed a friendly ear and Remus' total lack of judgment. Sirius felt guilty then, because he knew the favour hadn't always been returned. Sure, they ran with Remus during the full moon, but Sirius couldn't remember a time when he'd actively tried to be the sort of friend to Remus that Remus had been to him. He wanted to say something, maybe even apologise, but he didn't know how to even begin to broach the subject.
Severus had absolutely no interest in the Sorting. He hardly cared to know any of the first years by name. This was his last year at Hogwarts, and he was ready to be done with school. He was tired of the petty House rivalries and the way everything was blown completely out of proportion. He no longer thought visits to Hogsmeade were a treat; he could have passed his N.E.W.T.s in his fifth year. He didn't care about Quidditch matches or the Halloween feast. The only thing Hogwarts had left to offer him was Sirius, and he suspected his boyfriend was equally uninterested in school. Then again, Sirius had always been uninterested in school.
Severus scanned the Great Hall, looking for Sirius. They Gryffindors sat on the opposite side of the hall, but he didn't have a difficult time finding Sirius. He was, as per usual, seated between Potter and Lupin, with Pettigrew leaning so far across the table to speak with him that his face was practically in the pudding.
There were a few first years sending this group of seventh year boys looks of awe, and there were a few third year girls eyeing Sirius and blushing if he even glanced in their direction. Sirius looked around casually, but as soon as their eyes met, he froze and nearly dropped his pumpkin juice. Anyone watching would have understood immediately. It was a wonder no one had discovered them yet, because cool, collected Sirius Black became as flustered as a first year with Severus' staring at him. Severus watched as Lupin elbowed him sharply in the ribs and Potter looked around, trying to spot the source of Sirius' odd behaviour.
Severus was both amused and worried at this turn of events. If Sirius weren't capable of acting normally, they would be in trouble. At the same time, he liked confirmation that his boyfriend didn't always have the upper hand in their relationship.
On a hunch, he headed for the Room of Requirement as soon as the feast was over. His hunch proved correct, because he wasn't sitting on the couch for five minutes when Sirius came barrelling through the door.
"Hello," Sirius said breathlessly.
"Did you run here?" Severus teased.
"Yes, actually. I had the worst time trying to shake off Peter."
Severus grinned and pulled Sirius down onto the couch with him. Sirius landed clumsily, but Severus didn't mind. They simultaneously adjusted to their favourite places: Sirius stretched out on the couch on his back, Severus stretched out on top of Sirius.
Sirius kissed Severus lightly a few times. "Love you."
"Love you too," Severus said, smiling. "Sorry about earlier."
"I'm sure you'll find a way to make it up to me."
Severus laughed and kissed Sirius again, more deeply this time. Their tongues danced together and their hands began to roam, as they re-familiarised themselves with each other.
"I'm so tired of being in school." Severus said suddenly.
"Welcome to my world," Sirius smirked.
"What do you think would happen if we just left?"
"Well, you'd get into trouble with Lucius and Voldie, probably. And I doubt anybody would care about me, except maybe Dumbledore since he's made me his personal project."
Severus frowned, "Is something wrong?"
"Why?"
"Well, I was expecting an answer more typical of Sirius Black. You know, a sort of glib, devil-may-care kind of answer."
"Sorry to disappoint." Sirius shrugged. "I'm not feeling particularly glib right now."
"Have you been taking your meds?"
"Jesus fucking Christ, Severus." Sirius wrenched himself away. "This has nothing do to with that."
"I'm sorry." Severus looked guilty. He pulled Sirius into his arms again. "What's wrong? I promise I won't jump to conclusions this time."
"It's nothing." Sirius lied.
"Sirius, you're a terrible liar."
"Fine…it's nothing new, I suppose. Just more of the same. I hate hiding, I hate Voldemort and I just feel like we're running out of time. Plus, the summer was fucking terrible."
"It was, wasn't it?" Severus agreed.
Sirius sighed. "Can we just not talk about it?"
"Okay." Severus agreed, even though not talking seemed to be the source of most of their issues.
They lay together in the Room of Requirement, and Sirius couldn't help feeling miserable about the whole situation. Part of him felt like it wasn't worth it anymore, but most him was terrified at the thought of not being with Severus. He hated feeling so dependent on another person, because he knew that if they broke up it would be like Severus had walked away with half of his soul and most of his vital organs and probably some of his limbs too.
A/N: A little shorter than usual, but unfortunately I had to end on the depressing note. I promise to write something a little more cheerful soon.
Reviews are always appreciated!
Ooh and time for a shameless plug from me. If you're enjoying this Sirius/Severus experiment of mine, you should check out viscomica's A Fine Romance. I'm beta reading for her, and I'm quite enjoying it. =D