A/N: So here's the how, where, when and why stuff. And I'll be nice, no more angst for a while - really ;) Although making up can be fun. Anyway, thanks again to everyone reading etc, hope you continue to enjoy.

Joker slowly opened his eyes to the familiar dull grey of the Normandy medbay. They'd brought him back. Now he had to go through the pain of leaving all over again. A cry caught in his throat, he didn't know if he had the strength to do it twice.

'Jeff,' he turned to see Dr Chakwas standing beside his bed, her eyes moist. 'You had us worried for a while.'

'Hey, doc,' he moved to sit up but she stopped him. 'Can't make it easy for you.'

'A truer word was never said. What the hell did you think you were doing?' She checked him over with her scanner. 'When was the last time you ate?'

'A few days ago,' he shrugged and was surprised how much it hurt. 'What's the damage?'

'You're lucky, Garrus caught you before you hit the deck. You might have a few bruises but nothing's broken. You've been unconscious for several hours while we got some fluids and nutrients into you.' She propped herself on the edge of the bed, 'talk to me, Jeff. What were you thinking?'

'I couldn't stay and watch her with someone else,' he dropped his gaze to his hands. 'She can't expect me to do that.'

'I would never ask that of you,' Shepard stood in the doorway. She looked like she hadn't slept in weeks, her eyes were still red and she sounded broken.

'Shepard,' Chakwas frowned at her, 'you're supposed to be resting, I let you out on that condition.'

'Sorry, doc, need to clear things up before I can sleep, I promise I'll go straight back to bed.' She was almost pleading so Chakwas sighed and nodded.

He watched her walk towards him, his heart aching, his hands itching to touch her. He sighed deeply and forced himself to ignore the pain and longing. He didn't notice Chakwas moving away, his gaze was trapped by the woman he loved, the woman he'd had and lost.

'I can't stay, Shepard. I can't watch you and Thane, it would kill me.' He looked at her through tired eyes. I can't be near you and not have you, not be able to love you.

'I'm sorry, Jeff,' her words hitched in her throat and he watched as her eyes filled with tears. 'I was afraid and I let it control me.' She moved to the side of his bed and reached out to touch his hand but he flinched and she pulled back. 'I'm so sorry I hurt you, I never meant to. Time got away from me, I didn't realise. I was going to come and talk to you but I left it too late. I made a stupid mistake and I almost lost you.' Tears ran down her cheeks and she wiped them away.

'What about Thane?' It hurt to ask but he had to know.

'I'm not interested in Thane,' she looked him in the eye. 'There is no-one else for me but you, Jeff, there never will be. I only hope I haven't destroyed what we had.'

'So why were you spending so much time with him and avoiding me? What was I supposed to think, Shepard?' His heart raced as he started to realise that he'd misunderstood but his stomach churned as he knew how close he'd come to losing everything.

'I know, I can only say I'm sorry,' her eyes pleaded with him. 'Thane was teaching me to meditate, to gain some peace so I could get over my fear.'

'You could have come to me, Shepard.' He choked back a sob and looked away. I thought you trusted me, believed in me, in us.

She gasped at the pain in his voice, 'Jeff, please,' she was fidgeting, nervous and he knew he would forgive her, he couldn't do anything else. But the hurt was still fresh, an open wound that needed cauterising.

'Why, Shepard? Everything was fine and then it wasn't. Why?' He sighed and dropped his head back onto the pillow. He was tired and it must have shown.

'I'm sorry, I'll let you get some rest.' She went to walk away.

'So you'll run away again, avoid me.' He raised his head to look at her.

'I didn't want to cause you pain, hurt you.'

'Well that worked out well,' he scoffed.

'Yeah,' she sighed and moved back to the bed, her hand resting on the sheet close to his. 'I'm not good at this relationship stuff,' she groaned and looked down at the bed, 'I got a message from Hackett, he wants me to go the SR-1 crash site to place a monument and find some missing dog tags.' She watched as he tensed and she could see the pain flashing across his face. 'I didn't want to tell you, I knew it would stir memories you've tried to forget. I was afraid, I didn't know if I could face the place where the SR-1 was destroyed, where I died, if you could without hating me for making you do it.'

'Thank you for thinking of me, but I'm a big boy, Shepard. You could have talked to me about it.' He shook his head, 'I think that's how this relationship stuff is supposed to work.' He was an idiot, he should have made her talk to him, should have been more aware of her pain and not just his own. Yep, he was an idiot.

'I know that now,' she grimaced and he had to fight back a smile. 'I'm sorry I doubted you, didn't give you credit for coping with it. I know you're stronger than that. I was the weak one. I was afraid.'

Joker knew just how hard that was for her to admit, he could see the pain in her eyes, the trembling in her hands. He reached out and took her hand in his and she looked at him wide eyed. Oh, Ari, don't you realise how much I love you? With a tired smile he pulled her in close and she eagerly wrapped her arms around him. He buried his nose in her hair and his heart softened, slowly healing.

'Does this mean you forgive me?'

'For being stupid,' he urged her up on to the bed. 'Promise me you'll never do anything like this again, that you'll come to me no matter what the problem. I love you more than life itself. The thought of being without you again killed me. I didn't want to live.'

'I know,' she snuggled into his chest with a relieved sigh. 'The thought that I'd lost you was unbearable. I've never felt pain like that before and I never want to feel it again. I promise not to shut you out again.'

'Of course you'll have to do penance,' he smiled into her hair.

'And I suppose you have something in mind,' she grinned and he chuckled.

'Most definitely.' He closed his eyes and felt her relax against him. 'We can do this, Ari, together.' He sighed softly as his head rested against hers.

Dr Chakwas glanced across from her desk and smiled at the sight of them both asleep. Everything was as it should be, thank goodness.

The next time Joker opened his eyes he found himself looking at the ceiling of Shepard's quarters. A feeling he knew all too well told him he'd been sedated, he'd obviously been moved from medbay so he assumed that was why. He felt warmth beside him and looked across to see Shepard curled up against him. Slowly he moved, he felt like he'd gone ten rounds with a Krogan but he wrapped his arm around her and she snuggled closer, still asleep. He'd come so close to losing her, all because he had been an idiot and not realised that she'd closed herself off. He should have seen it, it was her defence mechanism. He mentally slapped himself around the head, then did it again for good measure.

He buried his face in her hair and thanked all the deities he could think of for letting him have her back, not that he believed in that stuff, but just in case. He breathed in the scent of her, cherished the feel of her in his arms, the warmth of her body next to his. Never again, he never wanted to go through that again. He settled himself against her, holding tight, never wanting to let go.

'I love you,' he whispered into her hair as he closed his eyes and surrendered to sleep.

It was sometime later when he awoke to the feeling he was being watched. He opened his eyes to find Shepard resting on her elbow looking down at him, her fingers resting gently on his cheek, her eyes moist with tears.

'Hey you,' he whispered sleepily, took her hand in his and kissed her palm tenderly.

'Hey yourself,' she turned his hand over and copied his movement.

'What's wrong?' He rolled onto his hip so he could see her clearly, his arm still around her back as he cupped her face in his other hand.

'I love you,' she whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek.

'And that's wrong,' he raised an eyebrow at her.

'No,' she chuckled, 'that's the only thing in this world that's not.' She kissed him lightly before meeting his eyes. 'I guess I only truly realised how much when I almost lost you.' She trembled as tears threatened so he pulled her into his chest and wrapped her tightly in his arms.

'We were both idiots,' he sighed and kissed the top of her head. 'I promise right now that I will not let it happen again, even if I have to tie you to a chair to make you talk.'

'I didn't realise you were into kinky,' she giggled and he gave her a playful slap on the ass.

'I'm being serious here, it doesn't happen very often so let me have my moment.'

'Yes, sir,' she snuggled into his chest with a laugh.

'Seriously, Ari, you know you can come to me, right?'

'Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking,' she drew lazy circles on his chest as she spoke and he knew if she kept it up they wouldn't be talking for very long, there were things that needed to be said so he took her hand in his. 'I panicked, it just threw me and didn't know what to do. Great isn't it, Commander Shepard downed by an email. Wonder if that will make the history books.'

'Hey,' he lifted her face so he could look at her, 'I've told you before, you're only human, yeah you're close to being super human but you still have a heart and mind that has to deal with this shit.'

She rolled her eyes at him, 'super human, really?'

'Well you can whoop my ass,' he grinned at her, 'so that makes you super human in my book. Not to mention that you head butt Krogans, take down Collectors and generally make people scared of you.'

'But you're already fragile so that's not fair and I don't make people scared of me.'

'And I've noticed that you've changed the subject.' He chuckled as she shrugged. 'Not getting out of it that easy. Shep….. Ari, I need to know you won't shut me out again. I need to know that you can talk to me, come to me, no matter what.'

'I promise to do my best to try,' she sighed and he knew that was the best he would get. 'I told you I'm not good at relationships, I haven't had a lot of practice.'

'Neither have I but I'm working on it.'

'I have a request though,' she grinned at him, 'will you kiss me now.'

'Damn right I will,' he grinned back, closing his eyes as he narrowed the gap between them.

The softness of her lips, the taste of her, the warmth of her sent him into a state of euphoria unlike anything he'd ever felt before. It was like their first kiss all over again and he cherished it, revelled in it and allowed his heart to soar. He'd never wanted anything in his life as much as he wanted to stay in that moment forever. She moaned softly against his lips and he knew she felt the same way. It was a perfect kiss, a perfect moment, it would stay in his memory as long as he lived.

'Commander,' EDI sounded apologetic for interrupting.

Slowly they parted, the passion in their eyes matching the passion in their kiss. Their eyes locked, fingers softly brushed cheeks, hearts beat as one and the love they felt was overwhelming. It took their breath away, made them both gasp at the strength of it.

'Commander?'

'Yes, EDI,' Shepard replied softly, her eyes never leaving his.

'I apologise for intruding but Dr Chakwas is asking for permission to enter.'

'Let her in, EDI,' she brushed his lips softly before propping herself up on the pillows.

Joker stayed right where he was. Things would be clearly obvious if he rolled onto his back and even though Chakwas was his doctor there were some things that she didn't need to see. He linked his fingers with Shepard's as the door opened to allow entry.

'Shepard, Jeff,' Chakwas looked at the two of them from the upper level of Shepard's quarters and a smile broke out as she approached the bed. 'Well, you both look better.'

'Hey doc,' Joker almost sounded sheepish and Chakwas laughed at him.

'Doctor, what's the prognosis,' Shepard chuckled.

'That you two are the most thick headed, stubborn people I have ever met.' There was warmth and caring in her voice and the two of them grinned at her. 'If either of you ever let yourselves get into that state again I will declare you both insane and have you committed, is that clear.'

'Yes, ma'am,' they said together.

'Joker, really, not eating for nearly five days then walking so far, it's no wonder you collapsed. Not to mention not sleeping for just as long. And you Shepard, I know you have deprivation training but that was too much even for you.' She shook her head and sat on the edge of the bed, running her omnitool over both of them.

'So you knocked us out?' Shepard tried to look serious but failed, she was happier than she'd been in a while and she couldn't hide it.

'Yes I did,' Chakwas checked her readings, 'and I'd do it again without hesitation.' She looked from one to the other and shook her head, 'well, you both appear to be almost back to normal. I will have someone bring you up a tray and you'd better eat everything on it and I expect to see you in the mess for every meal, is that understood.'

'Yes doctor,' Joker chuckled. 'How long were we out?'

'Two days,' she grinned and shook her head. 'Miranda is not happy, she's been trying to control the crew but some of them have been giving her a headache.'

'Guess we'd better get back to work,' Shepard sighed and gently squeezed Joker's fingers.

'I haven't cleared you to return to duty yet,' Chakwas reminded her. 'I think we can spare one more day, you can't fight Collectors if you're exhausted.'

'What about docking fees, we're on Omega so they're not cheap.'

'Funny you should mention that, Liara paid for it all and organised a stock delivery,' she laughed and added, 'that definitely didn't make Miranda happy, especially when she found out Garrus had let Liara know what was going on.'

Joker laughed, 'and what did TIM think of that?'

'I don't think he's happy either, Miranda has been in the briefing room several times.'

'Thanks doc,' Shepard reached out and pulled her in for a hug. 'I'm glad you're here.'

'Me too,' Joker sat up and joined in the hug, laughing as the two favourite women in his life fell against him.

'Okay, that's my cue to leave,' Chakwas laughed and stood up. 'I'll get a tray sent up.' She moved towards the door, 'and don't think I won't carry through on my threat if you don't take better care of yourselves.'

Joker watched the door close and looked at Shepard who had wriggled down beside him. 'So, have any idea how we'll pass the time,' he grinned as she ran her hand down his chest and onto his hip.

'I'm sure we'll think of something,' she gripped him harder and pulled him towards her. 'I have lots of movies to catch up on,' she chuckled as he scowled at her.

'Ari, you are an evil woman,' he was still grinning as he found her lips with his.