Painless
Right to left, right to left, my eyes skimmed. Scrolls were piled under the covers of my bed. Forbidden scrolls I wasn't supposed to read. Scrolls about my brother. I thirsted to know the past, to know my past, and his past...It was the old Akatsuki lair, the empty one by Konohagakure. The bedroom was cold, and my fingers were clumsy and numb.
"Senari, why are there so many scrolls missing from the libra--" My brother burst into the room, and his eyes grew narrow and angry. "You've got them. Do you think I'm that stupid? You idiot! You're not supposed to read those!"
I dropped the scroll that was in my hands. "I-I'm sorry, Brother! I just...I wanted to--"
"Wanted to be a little rat?! Don't you ever think I give you these rules for a reason?!" He grabbed me by my hair and pulled me away from my desk. I winced, emitting a little squeak. "See? You even squeaklike a rat, too!" Zetsu shoved me out into the hallway, which was slightly warmer than the old and outdated bedroom. My knees went weak at the sudden movement and I slammed into the wall. My arm burned, and I realized I must've broken it. From the doorway of my bedroom, I saw the wavering image of my brother glaring at me. "Quit getting into things you're not supposed to!" He held a kunai towards my face, his arm outstretched so far that the point of the kunai was about four centimeters away from my face. "What's your problem?! Why are you so defiant of those greater than you?! Why do you never listen to anyone?!"
Words stung my tongue, burned and itched to be spewed out. And I let them. "Because of you!" I shouted through tears.
"What..?! Did you just argue with me?!" Zetsu's eyes narrowed.
"Yes," I admitted, wincing slightly, expecting the kunai to plunge through my eye.
"Why you little..." He mumbled. My hand rose shakingly, and I brought it closer and closer to the kunai, until...
I heard the sickening slicing and crunching of the kunai, but felt nothing.
Blood dripped over the kunai, over my hand, onto the floor. "Look at me," I whispered. Zetsu's hand was still on the hilt of the kunai. I could see his eyes glossing over, shimmering, and wavering. Fear. Unmistakable. My voice grew gradually louder with each word I said. "Look what you've done to me, big brother. You made me into a monster. This pain...I can't feel it. Look at me. Look at what you've made me!" I pushed my hand towards his face. "You did this to me! You made me into this...this selfish, unfeeling monster!"
He shook his head slowly, backing towards the exit of the hallway. "No...I didn't...I was only trying to...It's not my fault..." And he ran. I yanked the kunai out of my hand and let it sit on the floor. I stumbled back into the room, closing the door with my foot. I swiped all the scrolls off the bed, savoring the angry pain as it rushed through my broken arm. As the scrolls scattered to the floor, papers flying, I found my bandages and wrapped both of my injuries tightly. I didn't see my brother for the rest of the night.
Reasons And...The Truth?
I was dreaming, I knew it, but I couldn't stop it. Couldn't wake up. Couldn't save myself from my own memories.
A little girl, sitting in a dark closet, crying. She's not even three yet. She has black hair and pure white skin, and a small withered rose lay perched behind her ear. A shaft of light sparkles on her wet tears, and she looks up. Fear shows in her dull blue eyes. Her older brother smiles at her pitifully, the one like her, the one with the odd skin and the large plant around his head. He speaks to her softly, comforts her, tells her that everything is OK. A new bruise shows on the little girl's arm, a deep purple against her snow-white skin. Her brother scoops her up, cradles her, and whispers, "It's OK, sister. Mommy and Daddy and everyone else will be gone soon...They won't hurt you anymore."
And the scene changed.
"You little monster!" The woman screeches and swats at her daughter with a broom. The little girl -- the same one -- screams and crawls away, covering her face with her own arm. "I never wanted you! You were born a demon! You're a mistake!" The other children simply watch; none of them wants to help their sister. Except one boy. He watches, concerned. He contemplates helping his baby sister, but he knows mother will hit him, too. Father will be home soon, but not even he will help his little girl. Mother swats at her daughter again and again, but missing every time. "I hate you!" She finally hits the right way, and the little girl covers her eyes. She feels no impact, feels no pain. Instead, she hears mother screaming, "Zetsu, you little brat! Get out of my way, or I'll hit you, too! You're both monsters! She's a demon and you're a cannibalistic freak! Why can't you be like your brothers and sisters?!" Her brother says nothing, and neither does she. He only holds her tightly, refuses to let mother hurt her, no matter how much that mother hurts him.
"Don't worry," he whispers in her ear -- and she hears a smile in his voice, "I'll protect you."
Another changed of scene.
Tears break past her eyelids as she sleeps. Dark surrounds her. Not even the mural of pandas eating bamboo can protect her from the horror outside her room. Angry screams and name-calling is all she can hear outside her door. She hears the squeak of the door cracking open. She loses her breath. There is hand on her shoulder. The skin on the hand is completely black, and she realizes that she's safe. A warm smile spreads on her brother's face. "Mother's done for tonight," he whispers and sits on the edge of her bed. She turns towards her brother and curls up against him.
"When?" She asks, her voice frail and whisper-like.
"Tomorrow night, I promise." There seems to be something that only the two of them know, and no one else does.
"You said that last week, Big Brother..." The little girl whispers, and a yawn escapes her lips. "Will you sing me a lullaby?" A hopeful look spreads across her face. Her brother smiles, giggles in a boyish way.
"Of course, sister. Anything to make you happy." He begins to whisper-sing a sweet lullaby, one that she loves ever-so much. Despite her comfort, something inside her worries about Mother coming in, finding him in her room without permission, and singing. Mother hated that most of all: singing. She said that singing turned strong men into weak boys, and that it was meant only for women. Nonetheless, the little girl pulls the blanket up over her face and curls closer to her brother. He strokes her hair gently, trying to comfort the two-year-old. She hears only these words before she falls asleep, "Don't worry any longer, sister. Mother and Father and the others will be gone tomorrow, and you'll forget them. Hopefully you'll forget me, too..."
I wasn't awake, but I wasn't asleep. I don't know what was going on with my mind, or what it was doing to my dreams. But somehow, somehow that I couldn't explain, I realized something. I didn't know if it was true or not, and I'm not sure if I ever will, but I realized that Zetsu had lied to me. But I was confused. I didn't hate him -- did I? When I was younger, he actually loved me, called me a sister -- right? He had implanted the memory -- the fake memory -- of having a loving mother and father and sisters and brothers, but he was really the only one that had been loving -- or were the dreams the fake memories? What were these dreams? Were they real? Was I regaining my memory? I had to be. Memories don't lie...
Do they?
--
"Big Brother," I mumbled, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Zetsu turned to me, half glaring, half curious.
"You just broke a rule, Sen," he hissed.
"I-I know," I said, no fear to my voice. I looked to him differently now. The high collar of my Akatsuki cloak hung funny around my neck, and one sleeve was longer than the other. My hair was a mess, and I looked absolutely disheveled. "But I have a question."
"Oh, what do you want now? I'm busy, you know." He sighed, and I could hear the confusion in voice. I couldn't tell what else there was. It sounded like anger and malice for one moment, but curiosity and kindness the next.
"I wanna know everything." Brother's eyes narrowed. "I wanna know what our family was like, why you erased my memory, why you killed them, how old you really are...my name. Everything."
"You're brave," he mumbled, turning away, "for coming to me like this. You would normally get in big trouble for doing something like this."
"Will you tell me?"
"You used to confide in me so much, Sen." I could hear regret in his voice, but he didn't turn back to me. "Why don't you confide in me anymore? Be honest."
"I don't trust you," I admitted, no shame.
"I figured as much...You used to. You had questions? Ask away." I could hear the scritch-scritch as he hurriedly scratched down things in a scroll echoing through the almost vacant room. I lost all of my breath as he became such an open book. The sound stopped. "Well? If you're just going to stand there and waste my time, you might as well go back to bed and sleep the rest of the day away."
I swallowed hard, saying the first thing that came to my mind. "How old are you, really?"
"Twenty-one," he answered with no waver to his voice. The scritch-scritch noise resumed, faster now.
I paused. "What was our family like?"
"Evil," he mumbled.
"What do you mean?" I heard Zetsu put his pen down.
"I mean they hated us. You were like me, Sen." He turned to me. "We were the only two who were identical in our problems. Our mother knew I was cannibalistic, and she knew your destiny. She told us she hated us and she hit us. Those of a feather stick together, they say...and you and I were 'of a feather.' I know you know about Nisei already; don't pretend you don't. Although Nisei wasn't like the two of us, she still loved us. The only one who did. She was like a surrogate mother. The others were exactly like our mother and father: hateful, spiteful, malicious." He seemed to have no problem remembering this.
"If Nisei loved us, then why did you kill her?" My eyes narrowed.
"I didn't tell her." Was he keeping secrets from me? No, I wouldn't allow it! I was in control now, not him! He couldn't lie to me now! He wouldn't dare! Would he?
"Tell her what?"
"You knew I was going to kill them, but I planned to tell Nisei, so she would understand. You wouldn't wait to let me tell her, and she saw me kill one of our brothers. She died of shock immediately. I couldn't stop it. Believe me, I grieved for her as much you would have."
"Would have? What do you mean?"
"You would have grieved had you remembered."
"Then why did you erase my memory?!" I spat.
"You wanted me to." That was Zetsu's only answer.
"That's it...? You can't come up with something better? Come on, you've lied enough! Just give me an artful lie if you have to! If you're going to lie, then do it right! Give me a beautifully painted lie that I can believe! Something out of a faerie-tale! Sugar-coat it! Don't just give me a stone tablet of a lie! I want a masterpiece!" I snapped.
"I'm not lying to you!" He snapped in return. Then Brother's voice softened. "I can't lie to you anymore, not now...You wanted the pain to be gone, and never to return. So I erased your memory of that night and everything that happened before it. I implanted memories that weren't real, ones that made me into the bad person who did everything wrong. As far as you knew, you had had a loving family who loved you for who you were, and one corrupt older brother that liked no one. It was the other way around. What you think happened that night isn't even true. You watched me do everything, watched me kill all of them. And then, I sent you to your room, erased your memory, and implanted new memories. Naive, you came running through the blood, and thought you had stopped me before I left. I did that on purpose, so you could find me later. I told you a lie then, too. You thought I had erased your memory then, but it was only a Genjutsu. I only erased your memory to protect you, because you're my sister, and I love you."
Tsume hissed in my mind, telling me what to say. "If you loved me so much, then why do you still hit me, why do you still yell at me, why do you hurt me if I wanted the pain gone?! Why?!" Tears pooled in the corners of my eyes.
"I wanted to seem to justify those fake memories, so you would think I really killed them for such a selfish reason."
"Then what's my name?" I hissed.
I heard him sigh. "As far as you know..." he whispered, regret lingering for a long time, "you didn't have a name..." My eyes narrowed, and anger set in. But something happened. I could then hear a smile in Zetsu's voice. "But you're back now, and you know. We can finally make things OK again, and be brother and sister." He turned to me, then, and I lost my breath. There was something about him that I never thought I would see. In his eyes there was a brotherly gaze, one filled with love and worry. On his lips was a smile, a sweet, kind smile. The same one that he had had in my memories.
I bit my bottom lip, and tears poured out silently. I felt compelled to do something, and did the first thing that came to my mind. Reaching out my arms, I walked closer, and hugged him. My brother. But it didn't feel right. I had hated him for so long, blamed him, told everyone that I was going to kill my older brother because of what he'd done. But we'd done it together. We'd killed the family because they had hated us, because they thought we were monsters, because we were alike. Then, I couldn't help but think of Amaya, the words she said right before she had passed out when I fought with my Cursed Mark for the first time, the things I had said to her.
"My brother will die...and I'll love it!...Forget me...I'll learn Jutsu and kill him. ...The night my brother killed them all...he didn't spare me. He killed my soul. My physical body is here and so is my mentality, but my spirit is somewhere safe. I died when I was three, Amaya, and I live only to destroy him!"
"How could you live only to kill another human being?!"
"...What happens when you have no heart to break, no soul to kill, no breath to steal?!"
"Then...then you really are dead." Amaya looked down, seemingly ashamed of herself.
Somehow, Amaya smiled, blood trickling out of her mouth and pain etched into her face. "I could have...done better. But you're always...so st-stubborn...I hope you...reach your...your goal..."
And everything that happened when...when she died.
"Sen..." she reached to me, her fingers only a half centimeter away from my face. I took her hand, knowing what was going to happen. She froze, and fell limp to the ground, screaming.
"Sen," Kaede started, "would you like to do the honors?"
If I were to do this, I would be doing it on my own. I was calm now, scared, but calm. There was no power nor adrenaline screaming through my veins. But there was Amaya, screaming.
"Amaya, won't you ever forgive me...?"
"Amaya, won't you ever forgive me...?"
"Amaya, won't you ever forgive me...?"
The last words I had said to her rang in my ears, bringing pain to my heart. I felt the blood trickling down my arms. The wounds she had inflicted never healed, no matter what ointment I put on them. If I thought of her, they bled and they hurt worse then when she had caused them. And this proved it. This proved everything. I really was a monster. I had had murder in my heart when I was two years old, and I have murder in my heart now.
"I'm a monster..." I whispered.
"No, you're not," Zetsu tried to comfort me as he had done so often when we younger.
"Yes, I am...and you can't tell me I'm not."
"I know why you're like this."
"What?" I asked.
"I can fix it, but you'll just have to trust me."
"What did you say?!" I asked again, pushing away from him violently.
"You'll find out later. Go now, do whatever you wish." I stared at him. His eyes narrowed. "I'm still your superior in the Akatsuki, and that means go."
"Yes, Brother," I said, exiting the room.
What He Meant
"Sen," Came Sensei's voice, "hurry up, un! We're missing Hidan, and you have the same ring position as he does! You have to take his place in the Demon Extraction Room!" I opened my eyes to see Sensei. He looked frantic. "Hurry, hmmm!" He fled from my room. Quickly, I pulled my Akatsuki cloak over my head and slipped my ring on the right finger. Deidara sensei was right: Hidan san and I did have the same ring position, which was the left ring finger.
I rushed to the Demon Extraction Room, which everyone was already in. All of the Akatsuki members beside those that are stand-ins like me, which include Kaede, Kaarayomihi, Naomi, and Mailo, were in position. The stand-ins weren't even in the room. But yet Hidan was there.
"Sensei," I said, "I thought you said that Hidan san wasn't here."
"I lied," he mumbled.
I heard Leader say, "Now, Sasori!" I suddenly felt a piece of rope being tied around my wrists, and there was a weapon of some kind at my throat.
"What's going on?" I asked, startled. I was dragged over to the wall, where I was chained in the position of the Jinchuuriki. Before me were the 'Two Hands Of Akatsuki,' or the two hands that everyone stood on for the extraction Jutsu. And, indeed, everyone was in position. "What are you doing?!" I screamed. Zetsu come closer, pity and sorrow in his yellow eyes. "Brother, stop them, please."
He smiled and gently stroked my hair. "I told you I could fix why you're like this. It won't take long, and it'll all be fixed in three days. I promise." He began to walk back to his position on the right hand.
"You can't let them do this to me! I thought you loved me!" I screamed, crying.
Zetsu turned back to me, frowning. "I'm doing this because I love you. I'm doing this for you."
"Let us begin," Leader said. "Zetsu, you keep watch as best you can."
"Understood," Brother mumbled.
"Please!" I screamed. I could tell it was hard for my brother to ignore me, to ignore my screams. But the Jutsu began. The Jutsu I had only seen being used. And now I know how much it really hurt. Tsume was holding on to my mind as much as she could. She didn't want to leave, and I wasn't about to let her. I needed her. Pain coursed through my veins, and I screamed. Before I knew it, ten minutes passed, then twenty, then thirty, and soon enough three whole hours of pain had passed. Only sixty-nine more hours.
"What do you think you're doing?!" Came an angered female voice. The pain ceased, and I opened one eye. All the way across the room, at the entrance, stood both Kaede and Kaarayomihi. Kaede stormed in. "Get her down from there! You idiots! What are you doing to her?! Kaara, go unlock those chains." Kaarayomihi nodded and ran towards me.
"Sen, are you OK?" He asked worriedly, undoing the chains.
"I just endured three hours of intense pain from an attempt at the Demon Extraction Jutsu. What...do you...think, Kaarayomihi?"
"Heh...sorry." He undid the last chain, and I rubbed my wrist. The only background noise was Kaede screaming and yelling at the Akatsuki like school children. I thought I could trust them, and yet they tried to kill me. "So, what was that?"
"They tried to take out Tsume," I whispered.
"Sen, don't say her name, remember?"
"Why?"
"Nekkyo..." was his only answer.
"Oh! OK, I remember now." I remembered how much Nekkyo, his demon which was actually Shukaku(Gaara's demon)'s younger brother, always tormented Kaarayomihi each time he heard Tsume's name. I instinctively had a strong, internal dislike for Kaara, because of our demons clashing. You see, Tsume absolutely hated Nekkyo. She hated him as much as she loved Kyuubi, but it was exactly the opposite for Nekkyo. Actually, it sort of reminded me of my relation with Sakon. Nonetheless, Kaara and I were still friends, despite Nekkyo and Tsume.
I watched as Kaede yelled at the Akatsuki, telling her how much things were going to change after she took up leadership. I began to feel lightheaded, and leaned on Kaara's shoulder. He sucked in a sharp breath.
"Sen," I heard worry in his voice, "Are you alright?"
"Yeah...I'm just," I yawned, "lightheaded..."
"That's not good, that's not good..." he mumbled. "Try talking to Tsu...eh, your demon."
I closed my eyes and focused on Tsume, and Tsume only. She was there, where she was supposed to be.
Tsume, are you OK? I heard my own voice echoing through the forests of my mind.
Yes, dear... In turn, her voiced boomed sullenly, frightening the shapes of the fireflies. I just need...some rest. That's all. Do not worry about me, love.
Upon opening my eyes, I saw Kaara staring at me, his eyes wide and worried. It looked so odd to see him like that! One orange eye, on red eye, both wide and scared to death! I smiled, and giggled, and before I knew it, I was doubling over laughing.
"Sen! Sen, what's wrong?!" He pleaded. The Akatsuki were elsewhere, and we had somehow gotten in the Akatsuki living room. I heard Kaede sigh, and saw her cross her arms out of the corner of my eye.
"She thinks you look stupid," Kaede mumbled, unenthusiastic.
"What?!" Kaara said grudgingly. "I do not look stupid!"
"Yes, you do!" I said, through sobbing gasps for air in my laughing. "Your eyes were HUGE!"
"At least we know she's OK, now..." Kaede smiled. Then, she walked up to me, flicked me in the forehead, and I heard her voice changing as she spoke. I realized it was Chiyo talking to Tsume and I. "You two, I swear, need to learn some things. Don't ever scare us like that, kits."
I nodded, feeling my eyes become very cold as they grew bright chartreuse. Tsume spoke to her sensei through me. "My greatest apologies, Chiyo sensei. Sen and I did not know what was happening, and so we could not fight back. She would not let me."
"Don't blame it on your host, you imbecile!" Chiyo hissed through Kaede's teeth.
Then, Nekkyo took over Kaara and joined the conversation. "Tsume! So glad to know you're still alive! Ha, ha! Looks like you got caught, too!"
"Stay away," Tsume hissed. Let's go to bed now, dearest.
Yes, Tsume. I stood up and walked away obediently. "Goodbye," I said, putting up the peace sign behind me as I walked to my room.
I acted so professional about what was happening. Stupid and naive, too. But I just couldn't understand it. I'm not sure if I ever will, either. Some part of me wanted to believe Zetsu really was what he claimed to be. But he had said that he was pretending to hate me. If he was pretending, then either he was a really good actor, or he was lying to me. Something inside of me -- the Shinobi instinct, I suppose -- told me never to trust someone like him. I wanted to trust him, I really wanted to, but I couldn't. Not now, not ever. But then again...
The truth is harder to believe than the lies, isn't it...?