Chapter 29 NY State of Mind

Jason walked the streets of New York City, there were still people out in the street, most of them drunk and having a good time. The cold weather, another added bonus of having his brain fixed nipped at him. He turned back and headed to the hotel. He sat in the lounge which stayed open all night to house several drunken patrons and some people left over from the party but it was mostly sparse. He figured the lovers were in their rooms enjoying each other.

Maybe he was being ridiculous with his fears. Maybe Robin still loved Patrick and did not have enough room for him in her heart. Robin had always been affectionate but with their arrangement there wasn't a lot of that. He knew that she cared for him. He knew that they had a connection but could she ever love him again the way that he loved her. He was confused and he knew that a lot of her reservations had to do with him, their relationship was in their youth but the intensity, and its depth belied their years.

Of all the people to plop down next to him he was not expecting Maxie. She let out a frustrated sigh.

"Hey Jason. What are you doing down here?" He looked at her but remained silent.

"My boyfriend is such a lightweight. He passed out and I am still super awake." She rambled.

"You shouldn't be out here alone on New Year's Eve." She rolled her eyes and waved her hand dismissively.

"This place is safe enough." He looked at her.

"Can I ask you a question?" Maxie bit back her remark but shrugged. "Did Patrick love Robin? I mean were they happy?" Maxie pondered the question.

"Patrick did love her. He loved her a lot but he was an idiot. I don't think Patrick is the man to be with one woman for too long. When you think about it… They had made it a year before Leyla then two more before Lisa. After that was over, Robin was taken. He was so devastated the thought of other women did not appear to him. Then Britt and Sabrina. When she left to find you, it didn't take long for him to build something with…" She trailed off.

"Jason, you hurt her pretty badly. Then Patrick hurt her more than once. She has been kidnapped twice in three years. She is having a hard time trusting herself and in happiness. I think that in her mind, the only man who ever really had eyes for her and only her was Stone. Now, it is a bit crazy because who is to say what would have happened. You had Carly, and I know that I pushed her to forgive him because of my guilt with what I did and Spinelli forgiving me." Maxie took a breath then looked at Jason contemplatively.

"Thing is, a lot of times Patrick tore at her self-esteem. He didn't do it on purpose. In the beginning it was challenging her career, her choices. In a demeaning way a lot of times. You heard about what happened with Stacy. Using other women to get to her but they made it past that. Then he kind of dated Lisa in her face but Robin didn't want to be the insecure wife because he would always point out her insecurities but we all have them. Robin's is on high right now. She even asked me how she could compete with Sam." Jason was taken aback by that knowledge. Maxie nodded based on the look on his face.

'I also think that she is just trying to stabilize herself. She doesn't want to be codependent. You know Robin and Jason, not for nothing, but I don't think Patrick hurt her as badly because she never loved anyone as deeply after you. Give her time, I know that she feels the same for you because I know her." She squeezed his shoulder.

Nathan approached the two. "Hey, you know you really do wonders for my ego." She turned to him with a big grin.

"You passed out and I was just enjoying the scenery but now that you are awake." She winked and he smiled. "Good night Jason." Jason nodded and Maxie headed off with Nathan.

"Maxie." Jason called she looked back. "Thanks." He decided to ride back up with them.

"Don't mention it." She waved.

Robin woke up to find that she was alone in bed. His side was cold so he must have been gone a while. Her stomach dipped but she could tell something was on his mind before she fell asleep. She wish that she had reassurances for him but she needed to figure things out about her choices. She needed to make sure that she was never anyone's doormat again. One thought remained clear as she touch the spot that he had vacated, she missed him. She missed the warmth of his body next to her. She didn't want to get used to waking up in his arms or falling asleep in them. Everything was turned around, they had crossed a line and there was no turning back. She was falling for him, no, had fallen. They had rebuilt something solid over the years. They were friends, very good friends and if they imploded in a relationship she would be banished from his life and that she could not handle.

How could they go back to friends? How could she let go of the feeling and possibly hurt him. Would he be able to accept being friends if she ended things between them. How could she handle the slow torture of wanting him but keeping him at a distance? Her thoughts were interrupted by him walking into the room.

Jason found Robin with her hand on the spot he had left an hour ago. He came in as quietly as he could but guessed that she was already awake. She rolled over on her back to look at him then she sat up. She wanted to ask him where he had been but she kept her mouth shut.

"Did I wake you?" She shook her head.

"I just felt your absence." Was that her way of saying that she missed him? He wondered but didn't ask. He moved to the bed and slid in beside her.

"I went for a walk. Looked at the city lights. It has been sometime since I have appreciated them." He pulled her into his arms.

"Jason, I don't want to lose you." She whispered against his chest.

"Then don't." There was an impending sense of doom and his heart rate picked up.

"Why don't you tell me what is on your mind?" He asked looking at her. She lifted her face to meet his gaze.

"If we do this and things end badly."

"You are afraid that I will kick you out of my life?" He closed his eyes.

"Or if we just remain friends, is that even possible?" He looked at her, he wanted to tell her that it wasn't possible. That would have been a lie, it was possible but it would be torture for him.

"Is that what you want?" His voice cracked but she didn't answer. "I wouldn't banish you from my life. That is never going to happen. I told you that I need you in my life. I meant that. But Robin, I can't keep volleying with you. It breaks my heart every time you take it back. So you need to think about that answer." She cupped his face.

"You asked what was on my mind. I am sorry that I have hurt you. I am not trying to do that. This was unexpected and I was already so jumbled up mentally and emotionally. We are jumping from two marriages into a relationship. It scares me. This is us Jason." He looked at her.

"You are so easy to love. I love hard and I sacrifice myself for it. " She pulled away from him sitting up fully.

"I wanted to protect myself, keep myself… I had given up hope but there you were. You came for me. Then you wouldn't let me give up on myself. You awakened in me what I had planned to keep dormant. Then there is Patrick. When I was in that clinic, I still had hope for us. How can I already be in love with you when not that long ago I was hoping to reconcile with him." She rambled on because if she stopped she wouldn't be able to finish. He chose not to call her out in case it was a slip of the tongue. He did offer a small smile as he watched her. He wasn't even sure that she realized that she had said it.

"Just being your friend would be hard, Jason. I mean really hard. I tried staying away but… Then, losing you for good would be harder than just being your friend." She threw her arms out then looked back at him.

"Do you see? I am a mess. I complete, total, utter mess and I don't get why you even want me." He pulled her back against his chest.

"Take a breath baby. Just breathe." He soothed. "If you are a mess then you are a beautiful mess." She looked at him.

"Robin, you have been through a lot. You aren't a mess just scared, maybe a bit confused. This is unexpected but I like to think of it as a beautiful surprise." He smiled softly running his thumb lightly over her cheek. "And I want you, all of you and I can be patient as long as you don't push me away."

Robin looked into his eyes, she saw sincerity there. She wondered if he had heard her slip and if he did why he didn't respond. In that moment watching the tenderness that he showed her, she decided not to dwell on it. After all she had just had a meltdown and she had hurt him.

"I'm sorry for being a basket case." He shook his head.

"Stop." He ran his finger over her lip and she closed her eyes.

"Jason… I want you too. I want us." He smiled at that then kissed her. "But we can't rub it in, okay. We have to be careful."

"For now." He said simply

"Thank you." She let out a shaky breath.

"I…"

"Jason just shut up and kiss me." She smiled as she stopped a typical response.

Jason kissed Robin, she loved him and that gave him hope.