The Bond That Ties Us

Chapter Twenty-Six

We Hold It In the Most When We're Wearing Thin

Coming like a hurricane, I take it in real slow,

The world is spinning like a weathervane,

Fragile and composed,

I am breaking down again,

I am aching now to let you in

-Hurricane, Fleurie

Rey came awake suddenly, and panic ignited in her heart as she found herself restrained. Where was she? What had happened? The last thing she remembered was that tall figure in black, prowling after her through the woods… the figure who was across from her now, waiting silently, no doubt for her to rouse.

"Where am I?" she demanded.

"You're my guest," he replied.

Her mind raced. "Where are the others?"

"You mean the murderers, traitors, and thieves you call friends?" He paused. "You'll be relieved to hear I have no idea."

Rage boiled inside of her, overcoming the panic. She didn't believe him. He had to know. He was the one who had whisked her away—it was his men who had attacked Takodana. This—this bastard—!

"You still want to kill me." There was an inflection of surprise behind the silver and black helmet.

"That happens when you're being hunted by a creature in a mask," she drawled.

A soft hiss as his helmet disengaged, and then her captor was lifting it and exposing his naked face. For a moment, she stared at it. She wasn't sure what she had expected. Inky black hair falling in careless waves around his face… brown eyes, dark and penetrating… a full mouth, slightly lopsided…

He wasn't beautiful, but he was captivating nonetheless.

Disgust hindered her thoughts. Disgust with herself.

He set the helmet down in what sounded like ashes and strode forward. She stared straight ahead, unwilling to glance in his direction. He came to a stop just beside her, and those eyes of his were boring into the side of her head. After a second, she couldn't help herself. She glanced at him briefly, and then resumed her solemn determination to give nothing away.

"Tell me about the droid." It was uttered casually, as though it wasn't an order at all. And it was real, human—not the voice from whatever it was inside the helmet that distorted it, made it lower.

It was like chocolate, dripping sensually down her spine.

"He's a BB unit with a selenium drive and a thermal hyperscan vindicator—"

"He's carrying a section of a navigational chart," he interrupted. "And we have the rest. Recovered from the archives of the Empire, but we need the last piece. And somehow you convinced the droid to show it to you. You," he scoffed. "A scavenger."

Arsehole, she thought.

He leaned in, just a little, his voice lowering. A confident smirk spread across that wide mouth of his. "You know I can take whatever I want."

It was the only warning given before his hand lifted, and he began to rifle through her thoughts.

"You're so lonely," he murmured as she tried to fight him, tried to lock him out of her mind. But every block she put in place, he evaded perfectly, as if anticipating her next move. And it hurt—it hurt, when she didn't want her thoughts read and he was forcing them out of her. All she could think was that it was mind rape.

"So afraid to leave…" His face drew ever closer to hers. "At night, desperate to sleep…"

No! No! Stay out!

STAY OUT!

"You imagine an ocean," he stated. "I see it. I see the island." He was quiet for a handful of seconds, digesting all the information at his fingertips. "And Han Solo." His voice tightened. "You feel like he's the father you never had." Something akin to laughter touched his tone. "He would have disappointed you."

"Get out of my head," she hissed.

He obliged but for a moment, drawing away from her. His hand remained outstretched. "I know you've seen the map." He was breathless. Was he having more trouble infiltrating her thoughts than he had let on? "It's in there, and now you'll give it to me."

Shite. Shite, shite, shite.

If she had thought his interrogation was painful before, it was nothing compared to now. She heard herself groan in pain as her eyes clenched shut. There was—something there, when he stroked the pure depths of her thoughts, something that hadn't been there before…

"Don't be afraid," he murmured. "I feel it, too."

No. She had to beat this. She had to fight him. She would not give in.

"I'm not—giving—you anything," she gritted out.

His smile was brief and cutting. Knowing. "We'll see."

He thrust his power into her mind.

She let out a choked sob. Sucked in air. Sweat was glistening on her face. Her head ached as though someone had taken a bludgeon to it. She was rallying her defenses, putting everything she had into it. She would not let this bastard win. She wouldn't!

And that was when she began to feel it—the reverse of power.

It was invisible between them, pulsing back and forth. He was much more practiced—she only had her awakening. She could feel the confidence of his thoughts. He knew he had her. That shifted quickly once she took the raw power lending itself to her and pushed ever harder against him. She was trembling with the effort, but she was doing it.

Panic widened his eyes.

"You," she snarled. "You're afraid."

She couldn't see the entirety of his mind, but that was all right. This was all she needed.

"That you will never be as strong as Darth Vader!"

Rey stared into the darkness, her heart pounding so fast, like it wanted to race right out of her chest. She clutched it, orienting herself. She was sweating, just as she had been in that interrogation room. Her shirt clung to her in an uncomfortably sticky way.

She cursed softly and put her face in her hands.

A large hand touched between her shoulder blades, and she flinched, startled.

"…You really did want to kill me," Ben murmured.

Rey didn't bother asking if he'd seen the dream. Of course, he had. The same way she saw each of his. It was just that usually, their sleep remained empty, joined by mutual comfort, by the knowledge that they had one another.

"Ben." Rey's voice cracked. "We have to decide what we're going to do. I can't dodge around it any longer. I've tried… I didn't want to put pressure on you, but…" She swallowed.

His hand fell away.

"I have to know that you won't go back to that," she choked out. "That you won't be that person again."

"Which person?" The promise of venom. "The one who hunted you, who took your thoughts in that room?"

She didn't care anymore if she upset him. She was tired of tiptoeing around the issue. "Do you still consider yourself the Supreme Leader?"

"That's not the question you want to ask, Rey," he murmured, deceivingly soft.

Since it was weighing heavily between them, she turned, resting on a hand as she looked at him. Shadows shrouded his figure, but she could make out his features in the moonlight. "Do you still want to rule the galaxy together, to destroy everyone?"

"You can read my thoughts."

"I've stayed out of those!" Annoyed, she got onto her knees and faced him more fully. "You must decide, Ben. You must decide what you want. This is where we are now. We can't go further if we don't—"

"What do you want, Rey?"

"You know what I want."

"Do I?"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Just as you've stayed out of my thoughts in that regard, I've stayed out of yours." His brows pushed together.

She remembered how she had once thought he wasn't beautiful. He still wasn't, not in a traditional way, but she loved that face more than she could ever say.

"I want to be with you," she whispered.

"But not at my side, ruling the galaxy," he said flatly.

"Is that really what you still want?!" she cried. "After everything, after—"

"What I want is to take you and leave, and never look back!" he shouted. "I am a selfish person, Rey. I will always be selfish. That won't change, no matter how much of your light is inside of me!"

"Take me and leave and…?"

He sighed and turned away. "Yes. I want to go to the edges of the galaxy, where no one can find us, and live out our lives there, unencumbered by those who would hold us back."

Well… It had changed from wanting to murder everyone.

"But we can't," she breathed. "We have to pick a side, Ben."

"Do we?" He glanced at her sharply. "Why? Who said so?"

"It's—it's the right thing to do!" she sputtered. What did he mean, why?

"We don't have to do anything we don't want to." He shook his head.

"But that's—"

"Do you want to help the Resistance?"

"Well, I certainly don't want to help the First Order!"

"Neither do I," he said. Ignoring her surprise, he shrugged one shoulder. "We let them battle it out on their own and disappear."

"That's—Ben, we can't—"

"Why can't we?!" he snapped. He put his hands around her shoulders and gave her a little shake. His brown eyes were as intense as she'd ever seen them. "Rey…" He licked his lips. "The Resistance is nothing right now, anyway. You know that. You know that. We can't fight their battle for them! Not and hope to win."

"Well, running away doesn't seem like a better idea!"

He cupped her face in his hands. She always marveled at how soft they were. It had to be the gloves he'd always worn, protecting them from calluses. "I can feel what's in your heart. I know it as well as my own. You don't want to fight with them."

"I don't want to not fight with them—"

"Rey." He pressed their foreheads together. Her vision blurred as she stared this close into his eyes. "We can do whatever we want…" he whispered. She hated how compelling it was. How it made her shiver. "I'm not asking you to go to the dark side."

"Then what are you asking?" she whispered back.

"That we train… and once we finish training, we decide then what we want to do."

It was clear to Rey that Ben thought she wouldn't want to join the fight any longer at that point. What was worse was that she couldn't safely say she would want to.

"But your mother…" Rey sniffled. "I don't want to leave her behind. We're all she has. She's all we have. Do you really want to just give her up like that?"

Ben sighed. He drew back a little, but only to soothe her bangs off her forehead. "You love my mother that much?"

"Don't you?" she countered.

He closed his eyes.

"Say what you feel, Ben," she whispered.

Why? You can feel everything without me having to.

"You need to learn to communicate with more than just me."

He grumbled, but he answered her. "Yes… I love my mother. But I don't think I can be the person she wants me to."

"Ben, I don't think she expects anything, at this point. She's just glad that you're not… you know."

He set his jaw. "I could never hurt her… even when ordered to." He drew his fingers through his thick hair. "…It's hard to let her back in."

"I know. But it made her so happy…"

They stayed quiet for a while, hands clasped between them on the bed. The moonlight shifted into shadows as clouds drifted across the sky. The cottage was just as silent as they were, floorboards having settled for the day hours ago.

"…So you're renouncing yourself as Supreme Leader?" she ventured hesitantly. She braced for the whiplash of his anger at the subject.

It never came.

"I'm fairly sure Hux already did," Ben muttered.

"And…?" Rey pressed.

"And nothing." Ben fell onto his back, pulling the covers over him. He patted the spot beside him. She fell onto her side to face him, and he tucked the covers up around her, too. "I told you. I don't want to deal with either side. I want to leave and not look back."

"But…"

He kissed her forehead. "But I want to be with you. I want what we have… And I'll do what you want to do."

She couldn't believe her ears. "…Why?"

"Because I want to leave, and you don't. I don't care to be a part of the First Order or the Resistance, and you do. If I don't care, but you do… I'll follow you. For now."

"For now?" she repeated.

"I'm not getting involved with either. But I will be where you are."

Rey smiled and kissed him.

He pulled her onto his chest and kissed her hair in turn.

Go to sleep. And this time, try not to dream about the bad things.