Merlin floated in a sea of darkness, roiling back and forth. Accusations echoed across the watery wasteland. Nothing he did could stop them. He helplessly listened as they spoke who he was: Merlin the Deceiver. Merlin the Poisoner. Merlin the Murderer. He didn't want to be any of those things. Oh, how he wanted to change the truth, but there it was, murmuring, shouting, sometimes screaming.

Yet every so often, the waves almost stilled and other voices drifted towards him across a long distance. They were faint, but familiar, and he wanted to go to them. Then the accusing voices would drown them out, and he'd flail as always, unable to withstand their truth.

Carwyn finished talking and observed his mother. Gwen looked from him to Merlin's bed where the warlock lay unconscious. "Why do you think the sorcerer did this to him?"

Carwyn tapped his clasped hands against his lips. He'd just related what he had seen of Merlin's captivity from his perspective. "I didn't see everything. I seemed to connect to Merlin whenever he was most in danger or distress. And when Morgana started taking his magic, the vision was unclear. But I can guess."

Gwen looked back at him.

"I think perhaps part of it was revenge, but the ultimate goal was to bring back Morgana. We found the leadership of the cult and they obviously wanted the object of their worship to return. They made him weak enough that he'd give her his magic."

A flash of anger crossed Gwen's face. "Merlin didn't deserve this."

Carwyn bowed his head.

"You know he didn't," Gwen said, her tone perturbed at his action.

Carwyn glanced up. "He didn't deserve it, but...he did do some of the things they said, didn't he?"

Gwen's expression grew soft once more. "You've had the good fortune to grow up in an age of peace."

Carwyn nodded thoughtfully. Yes. He stood on the backs of those who went before him. He glanced over at Merlin. His mother had pulled a chair next to the cot, visiting as she had the last three days. He hadn't yet told her all he had seen during Merlin's captivity. Maybe for the same reason she hasn't told me so much about her past, he ruminated. Maybe some things are best left unsaid. But he did know them. He couldn't just forget them.

"I know Morgana was my Aunt."

Gwen didn't answer for a moment, then said, "That's true."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Talking about Morgana is...difficult for me," Gwen said, looking down and smoothing out her dress. "She was a friend for such a long time. To see her become eaten up by hate..." She sighed and looked over at him. "She did horrible things to me, your father, and Merlin. Camelot. And to tell you she is related to you..."

"It doesn't help anything," Carwyn whispered.

"Exactly."

Carwyn stared at his hands for a moment, twisting them quietly.

"I think," Gwen said slowly, "there must be things you haven't told me about what you saw."

Carwyn squeezed his hands together and looked up at her. "I think some things are best left to discuss with Merlin."

Gwen nodded, then sighed. "The truth is, so much happened back then, and much of it is sad or evil or worse. We don't tell you because why foist our pains and burdens on you? You don't need to carry what we do."

Carwyn hadn't thought that Merlin might have kept his secrets to spare him. "It's just...when I heard those things, I didn't know how to reconcile them with what I know about him."

Gwen smiled. "You don't know he once tried to kill your father."

"Merlin tried to kill my father?" Carwyn asked incredulously.

Gwen nodded, smiling broadly. "We're lucky Merlin isn't good at being an assassin."

"You think it's funny?"

"Now. At the time, it wasn't. He'd been captured by Morgana and an evil creature used on him, a fomorroh, a beast with many snakelike heads. She implanted a head in his neck and it made him try to kill Arthur."

Carwyn stared, then shook his head slowly. "There's so much I don't know."

"Whatever Merlin has done, he's done it because he felt he had no other choice. He's not someone who spends his time planning to hurt and kill. It took Morgana enchanting him to even make him try, and then he was terrible at it."

Carwyn rubbed a thoughtful knuckle on his lips.

Gwen turned her attention back to the warlock they loved. "When he came back to Camelot after your father's death, he told me he was a sorcerer. He looked...scared. Even through all that grief, he was terrified to reveal what he'd hidden for so long, but I'd already guessed the truth and I didn't care." Her eyes had taken on a faraway look. "When I think about Merlin, I have nothing but gratefulness in my heart. He gave up so much for his friends, for me. He was there in my darkest hours. He took care of me. So when he told me, I knew he had only ever used magic for our good."

Gwen stood. She strode over to the bed and reached down to Merlin's hand laying outside the sheets. She stroked it gently. "He's a good man," she whispered. "And friend. We can't ever let him forget that, no matter what choices he made that he hates."

She turned and Carwyn saw a sheen in her eyes. "I need to go. Duties. But I've made sure you have none."

"Thank you," Carwyn said. Gwen ruffled his hair as she passed, leaving him in quiet contemplation.

The truth was, everyone loved Merlin. Well, everyone in the castle. He wished Merlin were awake and could see all the people who kept coming by to inquire concerning his health. The magic warriors showed up multiple times a day as did the knights, especially Leon and Percival. Even servants asked after him because being of high status in the court hadn't changed Merlin one bit. He remained kind and compassionate to anyone.

Carwyn smiled softly at his guardian, recalling the times they'd spent gallivanting all over the Camelot countryside. He'd learned more than magic. He'd learned to be a person of conscience. "You've made me who I am." His mother was right. Whatever Merlin's past, he wasn't one to do things to hurt others without good reason.

Carwyn picked up a book he'd set down when his mother entered and lay down in the cot, holding it up to read, but his mind was too troubled. Merlin's state weighed heavily and Alec's recent death but also...Nyra. Nyra had come to see Merlin everyday, but always when he wasn't around. At times, his mother or Percival or Leon watched over Merlin, insisting Carwyn get a break and they fulfill their own loyalty to their friend.

Carwyn contemplated the ceiling. He'd tried to tell himself Nyra would never see him as anything but her superior, someone to protect and follow, but never love. Yet his heart kept aching every time he thought about her. He'd had flings here and there with girls, infatuations that didn't last, but something was different about Nyra. He felt he needed her by his side, not just now, but forever.

Carwyn dropped the book to the side of the cot and rolled over. Merlin was the one he always talked to about stuff like this. He knew his mother was always willing to listen, but, well, she just wouldn't understand like Merlin would. Please wake up. I need my Merlin back.

Merlin startled. A glow had appeared across the sea, a misty light stretching thin fingers his direction. The voices picked up, speaking over each other as if desperate to keep him close. Yet the gleam shined on, growing brighter by the moment. Merlin felt blessed warmth, but then a cold voice shouted at him, reminding him he had committed crimes he could never wash away. The light surrounded him, now feeling more like a burn than a delight. His eyes popped open.

A deep ache blossomed through the entire length of Merlin's body. His wrists and ankles stabbed. He was back in darkness. The light—I imagined it. He moaned softly. No more, please, no more.

"Merlin?"

Merlin started at the voice, his eyes darting to a figure leaning over him. He pushed backwards, afraid. Gwen? Why had she come? What would she charge him with? His thoughts fled back to memory. Her exile. Of course. He hadn't stopped Arthur from sending her away. He hadn't made Arthur bring her back. He had failed her like everyone else.

Merlin closed his eyes and stiffened, waiting for her to snidely rail at him, waiting for the pain she must wish to inflict on him for his betrayal.

"Merlin. It's Gwen."

I know. Just get this over with. Please.

He felt a hand on his arm. He flinched at her touch. He began to shake unwillingly.

"I'm sorry," he murmured. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Merlin!"

Now both her hands were on his shoulders and his tremors worsened.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Merlin! You're safe!"

But he knew it was a lie. He fought back, pushing at the hands that pretended to be so loving. If he waited too long they'd start to burn him.

"Mother!"

Merlin's heart jolted. Carwyn? Not Carwyn, too. He had tried to ever love the boy, never to hurt him in any way. What had he done? He didn't remember. He felt his arms and legs jerking rapidly.

"Merlin! Stop!"

Pain. It was coming. Soon. And the voices. They'd tell him the truth once more.

He felt another pair of hands on the sides of his head. He tried to pull away, but they were too strong. He waited for an explosion of pain, but felt instead that he was falling, down, down...and then there was nothing but silence.

"He's healing well," Reynfrey said as he rebandaged Merlin's left wrist. "I wish my magic wasn't useless against this, but the salve is working."

Carwyn stared sleepily from the chair he occupied. "Will they always be there?"

Reynfrey lay Merlin's arm gently back on the bed. "I wish I could say 'no,' but I don't see how they won't leave scars." He looked to his prince. "I'm sorry."

Carwyn bit his lip. Merlin would be forever reminded of that awful place.

Reynfrey spoke a couple spells to sustain Merlin's body since he hadn't eaten or drunk in days. He stood and approached Carwyn. "Sire?"

"Yes?"

"We all...want to know how you are."

"As well as I can be."

Reynfrey fiddled with his medical bag slung over his shoulder. "The others wanted me to tell you we don't blame you for Alec. We'd all have died for Merlin if we had to."

Carwyn smiled grimly. "Tell them I know that and thank you."

"I will." Reynfrey laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. "There's someone who has come to see Merlin."

"Who?"

"Nyra."

Carwyn's stomach flipped.

"She wanted to know if it was alright. She seemed to need your consent." Reynfrey spoke as if he suspected more, but didn't add anything.

"She's free to come in," Carwyn said, trying to keep the nervousness out of his voice.

"I'll tell her." Reynfrey moved to the door. He left it ajar when he stepped outside.

Carwyn heard low voices. He steeled himself for Nyra's appearance. His heart stuttered when she walked in, clothed in her simple green dress with blue outer garment. Her hair was like always—a natural braided crown. Her left arm was still in a sling. She walked on her left leg, but held a walking stick in her hand to aid her. He wondered how much of a fight she'd given Reynfrey when he insisted she use it.

"My lord," Nyra greeted, bowing her head.

"Please come in," Carwyn said quietly.

Nyra raised her head, looking at him briefly, then shuffled to the bed. She leaned on her walking stick. "Has he awoken?"

"Last night," Carwyn reported. "But he wasn't coherent." He didn't say Merlin had appeared terrified and he'd had to invoke a spell to put him back to sleep.

Nyra glanced at the cot. "You've been so faithful to him, staying here day and night."

Carwyn looked down at the floor, a story rising within him, compelling him to tell her intimate things about his life. "Once when I was sick, my mother was occupied with matters of state. Merlin sat by my bedside, fed me, lay next to me when my fever was great. I slept here and there, but every time I opened my eyes, he was there. He wouldn't leave my side."

"He cares so deeply for you," Nyra said. "And you for him."

"Yes," Carwyn whispered.

Nyra hobbled up to the head of the bed. She clutched the walking stick under her arm and lay her hand on Merlin's forehead. "He is...resting," she spoke in a hushed voice. "But there is turmoil. Fear. Shame. Guilt."

Carwyn sat up straighter in his chair. "You feel that?"

Nyra nodded slowly. "I don't tell many about this ability."

"Can you read thoughts?" he asked, suddenly worried everything he'd ever thought about her had been an open book.

"No," Nyra replied. "Just emotions. But they must be strong. It's an advantage in battle. I know when a soldier's courage is simply bravado or when it falters. That is often a good time to attack."

"Why didn't you tell us this?" If he had known, he could have planned for her ability whenever they fought.

Nyra looked at him, her eyes tense. "How would people feel if they knew I could manipulate them at their weakest points? I am careful with this. I don't ever mean to misuse it." She lowered her gaze.

Realization hit Carwyn. She's afraid to manipulate my care. Carwyn felt like an idiot. She must have sensed the depth of his feelings for her. She drew back not only because she thought he might love her because of her destiny, but because she didn't want him to feel she'd manipulated him into it.

Carwyn opened his mouth to declare he had never been manipulated, but Nyra spoke quickly on.

"The warriors are restless. I wanted to ask your permission to train them."

Oh. So this was the real reason she had come when he was with Merlin. Simply to ask him for this. "You're still on the mend."

Nyra chuckled. "I don't need to move much."

Carwyn laughed as well. No, not with her magic skill. "You needn't ask my permission. Do whatever you see fit with them. They need it." Especially after Alec.

"Thank you, my lord."

Nyra moved back towards the door. Carwyn wanted nothing better than to jump up and stop her, ask her to sit awhile, but he held his tongue. It wasn't what she wanted, and he wasn't going to force her against her will.

Merlin basked in the warm light. He had fallen into it and remained. Still, a tight icy ball in the center of his body pulsed with truth. He kept trying to ignore it, but it pounded out his guilt.

The warmth grew hotter, then cooler. A breeze blew around him, then constricted, whirling. He felt himself lifted up, up, up. His eyes fluttered open. He blinked. Darkness again, but this time he turned his head side to side to take in his surroundings.

It's...familiar. Was that a good or bad thing? He swallowed and felt suddenly parched. His stomach clenched. There was a light nearby. He focused on it. It was small, a tiny flame. He heard a rustling to his left. Sudden fear gripped him. He didn't dare look. Who was it this time?

"Please," he begged aloud. "Please." His voice was hoarse. "Please forgive me." Maybe if he pleaded enough this one wouldn't hurt him like the others.

The rustling continued and then there were steps. It was coming.

"I'm sorry," he murmured through dry lips. "I'm sorry." Beg. Just keep begging.

"Merlin. It's Carwyn."

Carwyn. That's right. Carwyn hadn't accused him yet. He felt hands on his shoulders. He squeezed his eyes shut in anticipation.

"Merlin." The voice cracked as if it was...crying? "Look at me."

Merlin hesitantly turned his head and opened his eyes. Carwyn's face was above him. Tears had escaped down his cheeks.

"You're safe, Merlin. You're in your room in Camelot. I promise no one will hurt you. I won't let anyone hurt you again."

Merlin stared at his charge for a moment, then let his eyes roll around the room. It was his room. He was back in Camelot once more. He collapsed back against the pillow in relief.

"Do you want more?" Carwyn asked.

Merlin nodded.

Carwyn smiled. The warlock had already eaten two bowls of soup. It wasn't much more than salted water. Reynfrey had said he shouldn't take too many solid foods yet.

Carwyn took Merlin's bowl and refilled it from a pot on a table. Merlin ate silently, but heartily. He'd awoken last night, lucid enough. Carwyn hadn't pressed him then. He'd simply sat next to him as Merlin's breathing regulated and he relaxed peacefully.

The door to the room opened and Gwen rushed through and up to the bed. "Merlin!"

"Gwen," Merlin greeted, his voice still hoarse.

"We've been so worried about you."

Merlin smiled shortly. "You don't have to worry anymore."

Gwen smiled back.

Merlin held his bowl out to Carwyn. "More water."

Carwyn set the bowl down on the table and returned with a cup of water. Merlin drank slowly.

Gwen glanced at Carwyn, a question in her eyes. He shook his head, indicating he hadn't said anything about what happened yet.

"Merlin?" Gwen asked.

Merlin lowered the cup to look at her.

"Do you remember what happened to you?"

Merlin unconsciously fingered the cup. "You really mean how much do I remember?"

Gwen nodded.

"I think...everything."

"I don't want to press you..."

"It's alright."

"Who was this sorcerer?"

"Was?" Merlin asked. "He's dead?" His tone was hopeful.

"After we rescued you," Carwyn explained, "we collapsed the cavern you'd been held in. He was inside."

Merlin took this in. What did that prove? Morgana had escaped once when they thought she'd died from falling stone. Carwyn caught the uncertainty in his eyes.

"Who was he?" Gwen repeated.

"His name is Rankin," Merlin said. "He was Eira's brother."

"Eira," Gwen breathed out. The woman was seared into her memory, not just because of her betrayal, but because she'd been the first person Gwen had ever been forced to execute.

"He meant to bring Morgana back and destroy you." Merlin glanced between Gwen and Carwyn. "I assume since you're here, he failed."

"You stopped him," Carwyn said. "You sent Morgana back."

Merlin thought back to a hazy memory of himself giving away his magic to his old rival. He'd been tricked. He saw that now, but... He looked down at the cup. What if... His eyes gleamed gold. The water in the cup bubbled and steam escaped. He let out a pent up breath. He still had magic.

Carwyn laid a hand on his shoulder. "She didn't take your magic." He took the cup and set it back on the table.

Merlin reclined against the pillows propped up on his headboard. He glanced down at his bandaged wrists.

"We owe you Camelot once again," Gwen said. She leaned down to kiss his cheek.

Merlin forced a smile. Not really. He'd been too weak to resist Morgana. Just another failure. If Carwyn hadn't shown up, he would have given her everything.

The door opened again. Word had traveled fast. The warriors and several knights came streaming in. They surrounded the bed, talking over themselves to the warlock. Merlin stared at them in shock.

Carywn laughed. "They've all been wanting to see you. I guess they couldn't wait." He held up his hands. "Alright, alright. You've seen him. He's fine. Now, please, give him some peace." Several shouted their get wells to Merlin as the departed. Percival slipped through the crowd and made it to Merlin's side.

"I'm glad you're back. I can't handle all these young ones myself." He smiled widely.

Merlin's return smile was reserved. Percival clapped a hand on his shoulder, and he couldn't help but wince at the knight's strength.

Percival turned to Gwen. "My lady, the council awaits."

Gwen sighed. "They never stop needing me." She squeezed Merlin's hand, promising she'd return soon, and departed with the knight.

Carwyn perched on the edge of the bed. Merlin watched the door shut. He seemed overwhelmed. He turned his head to Carwyn. "Are you alright?"

"Me?"

"Rankin told me...you were wounded in battle."

"Oh. That." Carwyn chuckled. "It's nothing." He raised his shirt to reveal a scar starting to form on the right side of his chest.

Merlin's eyes began to water. "I didn't get back to you in time."

Carwyn's expression sobered. "Don't lay that burden on your back," he reprimanded. You carry too much already.

"But..."

"No. Blame me if you want to. I'm the one who let all of you walk into a trap. I'm the one who lost four knights and you."

Merlin stared. Four knights? He squeezed his clasped hands. "Tell me all that happened."

Merlin closed his eyes after Carwyn finished relating his story. Four knights dead in battle. Grimald. The people of Combe. And Alec. And he hadn't been able to stop any of it.

"Look, Merlin, I mean it. Don't take any of this on." Carwyn's tone was harsh. "You already think you've failed everyone a dozen times over."

Merlin opened his eyes. Carwyn spoke as if he knew what had happened to him. In fact, neither he nor Gwen had questioned him about his own story. I heard his voice. "I heard you speaking to me about...opening the door."

Carwyn rubbed his chin. "I have something to tell you."

"Go on," Merlin prompted warily.

"When you were taken, I started to...see things. Things that you saw. Nyra figured out that you and I have some kind of bond through your magic. You were in trouble and it connected us so I could find you."

"You saw what I saw?"

"Most of the shades anyway."

Merlin stared at him for a moment, aghast. "You know who I really am."

Carwyn's heart sank. "I know who they thought you were. The lies they told you."

Merlin's heart battered his ribs. "It was true."

"Not all of it," Carwyn insisted.

Sudden anger flared in Merlin's chest. Why deny the truth? To hurt him more? "It is true. I killed people. I hurt them. I acted in my own interest and denied magic."

Carwyn crossed his arms over his chest. "Merlin, listen. We all do things we're not proud of."

"Not like this!" Merlin shouted. His fists clenched and he slammed them into the bed. "These weren't small sins. You know that. I feared for my life, so I let people go to the chopping block. I denied my people freedom and warned Arthur against magic. I abandoned Morgana. I poisoned her! I didn't tell anyone about the prophecy. I pushed Mordred away. And all of it because I was too...too...consumed with Arthur Pendragon!"

Carwyn stood, pacing away from the bed. He'd never in his life seen Merlin so angry. He gathered his thoughts and turned. "We should talk about this later. Let's get you healed and..."

"What is there to discuss?" Merlin continued to shout. "I know the truth. The truth is I cared about your father too much."

Carwyn stared. "How can you say that? You and he..."

"If I hadn't cared for Arthur so much I could have done what I was supposed to do! I was blind!"

Carwyn's brow creased, his own anger rising. "Do you care for me too much then?"

Merlin shook his head and muttered. "I don't know."

Carwyn backed away. He turned and fled the room.

Merlin fell back against the headboard. He lifted a hand to his forehead and wept.