Chapter TWENTY SIX

EJ sat at the hotel bar, moodily flicking peanuts down the length of it, one by one. A bartender appeared in front of him. EJ looked up at him and slid him his glass. "Başka. Ve ben artık dik oluncaya kadar onlarla gelmesini sağlayacak (Another. And keep them coming until I'm no longer upright)."

The bartender dutifully retrieved his glass and refilled it, passing it to him.

EJ held up the glass to him in a little salute. "To your health, good fellow." He downed the drink in one gulp and handed it back to the man. "Yerine beni şişe getir, bu çok uzun sürüyor (bring me the bottle, this is taking too long)."

The bartender handed him the bottle of amber liquid and left EJ to his own devices. EJ stared at the bottle, knowing he wasn't going to find peace at the bottom of it, but hoping for some oblivion at least. Everything is going as I planned, what is wrong with me, why aren't I with Samantha right now?

"Hamlet, really?"

EJ didn't bother to turn around, just took another sip of the drink he'd just poured.

Tosh took a seat beside him at the bar. "I hope that wasn't some grim foreshadowing, old boy."

"I don't know what you mean," said EJ moodily.

"You told me you were marrying to get your hands on the treasure map," said Tosh accusingly. "A perfectly noble aspiration with no downsides, I might add. Now, after that little speech, I'm thinking you married Sami because you love her!"

EJ rolled his eyes at the way Tosh made love sound like a dirty word. "Traditionally marrying for love is the accepted norm."

Tosh clutched at his arm. "Tell me it isn't true! Tell me you haven't gone and fallen in love, not you, old boy!"

"I don't know where you're getting all of this love business from," EJ hedged.

"You just happening to quote the love letter Hamlet wrote to Ophelia, proclaiming his undying love," Tosh nodded at the bar man to set him up with the same drink EJ was having. "That's where I got it from."

EJ avoided looking at Tosh. "So?"

Tosh made a distressed sound. "So? You do remember how that particular story ended, don't you? On the urging of her father, Polonius, Ophelia spurns the erstwhile prince, thus sending him into a downward descent into madness and ultimately, death."

"You're reading too much into my choice. It was all for show."

"Then why not pick something more apt – anything from "The Taming of the Shrew" comes to mind. Sami should have said this to you, 'no shame but mine. I must, forsooth be forced to give my hand, opposed against my heart, unto a mad-brain rudesby, full of spleen.'

"I'm not a mad-brain rudesby, full of spleen," said EJ in vague annoyance.

Tosh gave him a considered look. "Wasn't part of the whole, let's get married thing, about getting closer to the whirling dervish, and ultimately sweet talking her into bed?"

"What if it was?"

"Well, if it was, why are you sitting down here with a face like a dug lickin' pish off a nettle (face like a dog licking piss off a nettle)?"

"I-I thought we both needed our space."

Tosh frowned. "I'm confused."

EJ hesitated. "I really like her."

"Still confused."

EJ stared down at his drink for a long moment. "Alright, you're right, happy now?"

"Of course I'm right, I always am." Tosh paused and pursed his lips. "Just what do I happen to be right about this time, old boy?"

EJ turned to his friend and fixed him with a desperate look. "I love Samantha."

Tosh turned deathly pale and clutched at his chest. "No," he moaned weakly, "I knew it!"

"I knew you'd overreact," EJ said as he rolled his eyes.

"Overreact?" Tosh practically shouted. "This is a disaster!"

"It isn't a disaster, stop being so melodramatic."

"How could you be so careless?" Tosh raged. "Love is a dangerous thing, old boy – this can't end well."

EJ's lips pressed together determinedly. "If I have my way this is never going to end."

"Oh my god, you've turned into some sappy, romantic wannabe," Tosh wailed. "This can't be happening."

EJ scowled in annoyance. "Would you stop making it sound like my life is over? I simply fell in love."

"There is nothing simple about love," said Tosh indignantly, "and that's why we've always avoided it until now, remember?"

EJ gave a little shrug. "Maybe I don't want to avoid it anymore."

Tosh made a pained expression. "I've got a sharp pain in my chest – I think I'm having a heart attack."

"You're not having a heart attack, but keep this up and you'll have a black eye."

Tosh gave him a wounded look. "I've only ever had your best interests at heart, old boy."

EJ took a swig of his drink. "Then be happy for me."

Tosh made a strangled noise. "Be happy you've fallen in love with a woman who loves another man? How does that work?"

"Samantha doesn't really love what's his name," said EJ firmly.

"Does Sami know she doesn't love him?" asked Tosh wryly.

"She will when she realises she's fallen in love with me."

"And if she doesn't realise this love?"

"She will."

"And if she doesn't?"

"She will."

"But if she doesn't?"

"She will."

Tosh pulled a face. "Listen, old chum, I'm going to tell you what I told Spiffy Biggs when we were sharing a cigarette behind the latrines and he told me I had pretty eyes... it's never going to happen."

EJ gave him a surprised look. "Spiffy Biggs said that to you?"

"It's not really his fault, I am, after all, damn near irresistible."

"Well there is that," said EJ dryly. "Spiffy told me I was the most handsome man he'd ever seen when we were in basic training together."

"What?" asked Tosh in outrage. "The trollop! There is no way you are better looking than me." He waved a hand in the general direction of EJ's head. "Look at your face, everything where you'd expect it to be, dead boring if you ask me. Now, my face is a face full of character, a woman would never get bored of a face like mine."

"You pay them not to get bored," EJ commented dryly.

"Oh, hark who is all high and mighty all of a sudden just because he got fake married," Tosh sniffed, "I don't seem to recall being the only one to empty my pockets for the company of a pretty gilpey." Tosh sent him a sideways look. "And just how did you manage to arrange a fake priest so fast anyways?"

EJ shifted in his seat and refused to meet Tosh's eye.

"He was fake right?"

EJ traced the grain in the wooden top of the bar, not answering.

"Oh my god," said Tosh faintly, "this just keeps on getting worse and worse."

"I love Samantha and wanted her to be my wife," said EJ unrepentantly. "There is nothing wrong with that."

"Except the bride doesn't know anything about it!" Tosh gave him a sideways look. "Does she?"

"Samantha still thinks the wedding was a sham. I'll tell her when the time is right."

"The only reason I agreed to stand up for you as your best man was under the strict understanding that the whole thing was fake and now you're telling me it was real? Why, I don't understand!"

"Haven't you ever fell madly in love with a woman and lost your mind completely, that there was nothing you wouldn't do to have her, to protect her, to make her love you like you love her."

"No thank god, it sounds simply wretched!"

EJ made an exasperated noise. "I know it sounds crazy-"

"Because it is!"

"-But I know Samantha and I were meant to be," finished EJ defensively. "So what if I married her under false pretences? These things happen and doesn't mean she won't end up falling madly in love with me."

"Emphasis on the word mad in that pie in sky statement."

"You don't understand," EJ grumbled, going back to his drink.

"Well all of this true love business isn't getting you laid, now is it?"

EJ grimaced. He'd planned to make his move tonight, build on the emotion of the wedding, but when Sami had walked out of the bathroom something had froze inside of him. She looked so virginal, so vulnerable – I just couldn't do it. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. EJ took a big gulp of his drink.

"Oh my," said Tosh, his eyes going wide, "are you telling me your propeller stalled, old boy?"

EJ sent him an unimpressed look.

Tosh awkwardly patted his shoulder. "Never mind, it happens to most men at some point – so I've been told. I wouldn't know personally, of course. Just have your girl give it a good tug and see if that gets your propeller spinning again, eh?"

"There is nothing wrong with my propeller!" EJ snapped.

"If you say so, but if there aren't any mechanical difficulties why aren't you upstairs staking your claim? Isn't that the whole point of this little farce?"

"Of course it's not the point!"

"Not the point?" Tosh staggered back as though EJ had struck him.

EJ sent him an aggrieved look. "I don't just want Samantha's body, I want her heart, her soul."

Tosh made a gagging sound. "I think I threw up a little in my mouth."

EJ's scowl deepened. "I knew I shouldn't have told you anything."

"So your plan is to help Sami find her lover and while you're doing that you're going to get her to fall in love with you?"

"Basically."

"How?"

EJ took a swig of his drink. "I haven't worked out the nitty gritty yet."

"You haven't even worked out the nitty let alone the gritty, yae numpty!"

"You're getting overexcited – your accent is showing."

"And your insanity is showing! All those years of English inbreeding has come home to roost." Tosh made an annoyed wave of his hand. "Look, one of us clearly has to be the adult here," said Tosh in aggravation, "and I take great personal umbrage that you're going to make that person be me! You have to know this whole plan of yours is madness."

"Samantha was a fifteen year old child when she last saw this man," said EJ stubbornly. "Since then she's built him up to be some kind of fantasy figure in her head. He's not real. Meanwhile I am and I'm right here, standing in front of her. I know she's attracted to me, all I have to do is build on that until she comes out of her William fog and realises she loves me."

"And when she finds out you tricked her into marrying you?"

EJ shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

"You haven't considered the possibility your new bride might just hang you from said bridge and be done with it? Sami doesn't strike me as a woman to trifle with."

"That's why I have to have her in love with me before I mention the whole wedding business."

"This is going to end badly."

"Again with the ending badly mantra. You're like a broken record, Tosh."

"I get to be a broken record! I've been dragged into this mess under false pretences!" Tosh jabbed EJ in the chest. "I bet there isn't even a map or a treasure."

"We have a map which is supposed to lead us to the Sultan's Heart diamonds."

Tosh looked relieved. "Oh good, you had me worried for a moment." He paused for a moment. "I feel I should have a bigger share in them when we do find them. You know, for the mental distress I've suffered so far."

"You can have the whole bloody lot of them for all I care. I just want Samantha."

Tosh blinked. "Can I have that in writing?"

"You have my word, Tosh."

"Your word doesn't have much weight since you just orchestrated a real fake wedding."

"That's an oxymoron."

"The only oxymoron here is you, old boy."

"I can't tell you how incredibly helpful this entire conversation has been. I knew I could count on you, Tosh."

"I'm the row boat of reason in the sea of stupidity."

"If you say so."

"You know what our problem is?"

"Astound me."

"We need to drink on this."

"Don't you mean think on this?"

"I know what I mean – we'll need another bottle. Everything is clearer after a few drinks."

"I'm almost certain it isn't."

Tosh cocked his head and arched an eyebrow. "Do you have a better idea?"

EJ paused. "I guess not."

"You see, that's why you need me so badly. Talk about being an ungrateful friend." Tosh ordered up another bottle from the bartender. "And just remember, if I get shot in the ass again because of all this love business of yours, there will be hell to pay!"

oooOOOOooo

EJ squinted as he walked along the hallway, trying to concentrate on walking a straight line. He'd left Tosh in the bar, who was claiming the night was still young. EJ's head was spinning and he couldn't feel his legs. He staggered into his room, his mind a pleasantly blank haze of nothingness thanks to the number of drinks he'd consumed. The room was dark and EJ blearily made his way over to the bed. Without a single thought he stripped naked and climbed into bed, falling immediately into a deep sleep as his head hit the pillow.