Hanako takes the news of an impending marriage exactly the way Cassian assumed she would. She hugs them both tightly, kisses their cheeks over and over, and takes Jyn by the hand, tugging her into the back room with an air that tells Cassian he shouldn't follow. Cassian realizes he knows nothing of the marriage customs of Monbetsu. Having left Fest at such a young age, he knows little of his own customs. Jyn is a Vallti citizen, he knows from his research, but neither parent was from there. He wonders if she'll have a preference for custom, or if she'll prefer a civil ceremony, a mere signing of papers. Whatever she wants, Cassian knows he'll do it. He never fathomed that he'd be here at all, so any sort of formality that binds him to Jyn legally is fine with him. He can't fathom her choosing to be the center of attention, though, and that's fine with him. Old habits, and all that. An intelligence officer never wants to have all eyes focused on him.
Kentaro insists on making a feast for dinner to celebrate, and breaks out a bottle of what he promises Cassian is a fine local wine. It is good, Cassian agrees silently, sipping the dark liquid and savoring the way it makes his nerve endings tingle after the second glass. Jyn spends dinner blushing furiously, and vacillating between uncomfortable and confused. Hanako notices Jyn's unease and pulls her aside quietly during the small festivity.
"Jyn, my dear," she begins, caressing Jyn's cheek lovingly. "You may not have blood relations here in your life, but you have family now. And we could not be happier for you."
Jyn just clenches her jaw to hide the emotions threatening to overwhelm her, and nods once.
"You let Cassian into your heart, child." Hanako continues. "Let us in, too."
At those kind words, Jyn relents and hugs Hanako warmly, tears threatening to overflow their bounds.
"I hope you'll still visit us when you have your own home." She pats Jyn's shoulder and smiles at her tenderly.
"I'd like that."
"Good." Hanako wanders off to refill her glass, and Cassian takes her place at Jyn's side.
"Is everything okay?" He whispers, face close to hers.
"I'm fine." She gives him a watery smile, and Cassian feels this stomach tighten at the memory of the first time he saw that smile. The metal catwalk at the top of the Citadel Tower was twisted behind her, a lump of sniveling Imperial officer in a heap by her feet. She'd transmitted the plans, and Cassian knew they'd been successful. They were supposed to die there, he remembers thinking. He was going to die on that beach, with this woman in his arms. It was all going to end. How did he get here? How did he get this chance? A chance at normal? A chance at happy? He's not going to waste it. She smells like snow and wine and smoke, all green eyes and smiles just for him.
"I'm sorry about all this." He gestures to the small celebration that he knows is making Jyn feel like all eyes are on her, even in a small group.
"It's nice." She beams up at him and wraps an arm around his waist. "It's like a family."
"You're not alone anymore." He murmurs next to her ear and then presses his lips to her hair.
"That means you're not, either." She reminds him, eyes glistening.
Rather than respond verbally, he just kisses her again, enjoying having her in his arms, her lips under his own. His head is swimming and he feels giddy, but it has nothing to do with the wine. His plan worked, what little plan there was. He resigned his commission, trekked to the far end of the galaxy, and dragged this woman out here with him. And now he's going to marry her. He's going to have a family, he and Jyn, living comfortably together in that small cabin. It's more than he's hoped for since he was six years old. He keeps his hands on her ribs, fingers spanning the curve of her, fingertips probing the spaces between the graceful bones. She's real. He blinks to reassure himself.
"So when do you think you two are going to start having children?" Kentaro is smiling widely at them, but Cassian feels Jyn stiffen in his arms.
"What?" Her voice sounds panicked, and she's suddenly practically vibrating with energy now.
"Children? Do you two think you'll have them right away?"
Cassian isn't sure what's wrong, but he knows Kentaro accidentally stumbled into a minefield. "We haven't discussed that, yet, actually." He answers for Jyn, hoping to change the subject quickly and move on before she becomes any more uncomfortable.
"Well, you're still young." Hanako adds from the kitchen. "You have time."
Cassian spares a glance at Jyn in front of him, still held by him, her face drawn and mouth a thin line and face pale. "Excuse us, please." He peeks at Ken-taro who is slowly understanding that he's said something amiss.
Once the door to the guest room is closed, he sits Jyn on the mattress and slides down beside her, her hand in his.
"We don't have to have children right away, Jyn. Or ever. I didn't say anything to Kentarosan about that."
"I..." Her neck is bent, eyes on her lap. He can't see her face because her hair, left loose again today, has fallen like a curtain along her cheeks.
"What is it?" He's kneeling in front of her now, grasping both of her hands in his. "You can tell me anything."
"But. I...what if...?" She can't make her mouth form the words. She hadn't even thought of this before now. This life, this wonderful life she'd imagined for only a few days, she can't believe it's over before it even started. A few moments of happiness is more than she deserves, she figures. More than someone like her should ever have.
"What if what, Jyn?" His voice is infinitely soft and gentle, and that sympathy, that kindness causes the tears to finally overflow. Rather than press her for an answer while she's this distraught, he eases back beside her on the bed and gathers her into his arms, onto his lap. He settles her against him, and feels her shaking, knows she's desperately trying to keep it together. Be brave. Not show weakness. He hates Saw Gerrera sometimes. Hates him for telling Jyn that any emotion is a deficiency, that she's anything less than flawless. The soothing words he'd used to settle her during her nightmares fall easily from his lips now, mixing with Basic as he promises her that everything is fine, that he's here. That he's not leaving her regardless of the truth of this unvoiced secret.
"Tell me. Please." He pleads, wiping the tears from her cheeks. "What can I do?"
"Nothing" She hiccups. "You can't do anything. No one can."
"Tell me."
She just shakes her head as the tears threaten to fall again.
"Jyn." Cassian whispers, begging her to tell him what's bothering her so. What caused this sadness? How can he fix it? "Please."
"What if..." She stutters and takes a few quick breaths. "What if I can't have children? What if I can't give you..."
"Stop." Cassian slides a warm hand across her cheek to tangle in her hair. "You don't have to give me anything."
"Cassian, I can't..." She's not sure she can finish that sentence, so she changes course. "The Empire doesn't take kindly to criminals reproducing." Another shaky breath. "And they don't want pregnancies in their prisons. They aren't the...safest places."
There's so much information there that Cassian isn't sure what to focus on first.
"Surgery?" He finally manages, thankful for his training in intelligence to help him keep his face neutral and hide how livid he is. One thing at a time.
"You don't really get an option." She shrugs and sniffles. "I mean, I'm not sure. They don't tell you what they're doing, but..." But it makes sense. The scars. The lack of pregnancy after her time on Wobani.
"Jyn." He'll start with this first. This is the safest. This is what worries her. The parts he's ignoring are what's going to worry him. What will keep him up at night. "I don't need you to give me children. You don't need to give me anything. You're enough for me. Just you."
"But..."
"I'm not interested in what your body can do for me." Cassian tries to meet her gaze, dipping his head in effort to catch her green eyes. "If we don't have children, then we just don't have children. You're enough, Jyn. Just you. Not some idea of what you can do for me. Just you." He kisses her cheek, her temple, the side of her mouth.
"You don't want kids?" She whispers, finally daring to look at him again.
"If we decide we want children some day, and we can't have our own, then we'll adopt." He smiles at her thinly, anger at the Empire threatening to bubble over. How can they take this from her, too? Both of her parents, her childhood. Her innocence. Now this?
"Adopt?"
"Jyn, we're both orphans." He brushes her hair back from her face again, and thinks she's been orphaned three times that he knows of. Once when she was eight, once at sixteen, and once again a few months ago back on a rain-beaten platform on Eadu. "We know better than anyone the difference a family could make."
"You're not mad?" She finally ventures, disbelief mixes with relief.
"At you?" He has to clarify, because he's furious. Fuming. He both wants the details and is afraid to ask. If he asks, and she tells him, he's not sure he'll be able to stop himself. To control the rage. What she isn't telling him - what he doesn't ask - he knows. He always knows. It's what they do. She's been able to read him since the beginning. He can read her just as easily, find the spaces between the truths she tells him, and see the facts she's sparing him from.
"I should have told you sooner." She's refusing to look at him again, and he wonders if she sees how vexed he is. He hopes he can hide it, hopes she doesn't think it's directed at her.
"I...it never seemed to matter before. I mean, I'm not cut out to be anyone's mother, anyway. I just figured it was easier. Saving me the trouble. I never really thought about it. But now...you...you...and Kentarosan...and" She's babbling.
"If it's important to you, we can have the clinic in town check you out. See what was done." He's going to punch something later. He'd heard rumors of the depravities of Wobani, but this is a new low, even for the Empire. "You said you're not sure. But if you don't want to be a mother, then we don't need to worry about it."
He'd never considered having children of his own before tonight, either, to be honest. Twenty years of war and nine years in intelligence, he figured he'd be dead long before now. The concept of a wife and child at home never crossed his mind. The wife part has been easier to imagine recently, but he wasn't lying to Jyn when he told her that she's all he needs to be happy.
"You're not mad?" She honestly thought she'd lost him when Kentaro brought up pregnancy and children. How is it possible that Cassian is the kind of man who wants her anyway?
"At you? Not a chance." He drops a quick kiss to the bridge of her nose. "At the Empire, more than ever."
"But..."
"Jyn, I love you, not your reproductive organs."
She's shaking her head, and awestruck expression on her face.
"What?" He rests his forehead against hers.
"How..." She begins, then tries again. "Where did you come from?"
"Same place as you, Jyn." It's a breathy whisper, and he flattens his nose against her damp cheek.
"You still want to get married?" She has to check. She has to know.
"Of course."
"To me?"
"To you. Only to you."
"I'm sorry." She's wiping her face with the sleeve of her shirt.
"For what?"
"I ruined the night."
"You ruined nothing." He kisses her quickly and presses his face into her hair once more, inhaling deeply. "You wear your hair down now." He finally works up the courage to ask, but figures now is as good a time as any to change the subject.
"I lost my hair tie." She shrugs.
"That's it?" He's smiling against the side of her head. "We can get you more if you want some."
Jyn shrugs. "I figured I'd spend my money on things we need." The fact that her hair has been in her face nonstop for weeks is a small price to pay for the ability to purchase dishes for a new house. She bought blankets to keep them warm at night. Hanako helped her find a rug for the bedroom, fluffy and soft like the one she remembers outside Honza's refresher back on Giless. It's not fancy, but it's more than she ever dreamed of owning.
"I bet Hanakosan has one you can borrow if you want to." Cassian suggests, touched that she prioritized their new home over her own personal comfort and preferences.
"I hadn't thought of that." She admits sheepishly. The kind older woman does have long hair. She pulls it back from time to time.
"Do you want me to ask her?"
"No, I can do it." She's resting her forehead against his cheek, letting out a deep sigh.
Cassian will never admit it aloud, but the fact that she's willing to ask his friend for something, even a thing as small as a tie for her hair, is a huge step for Jyn. He's immensely proud of her. This never would have happened a few months ago.
"Do you want to go back out?" Cassian is rubbing her back soothingly, and Jyn's head is resting against his shoulder. He's not sure he wants to go back out. He's pretty comfortable here, with Jyn in his lap. Feeling her pulse under his palm. "Have some dessert? I think Kentarosan made his specialty."
"What's that?"
"I think you'll like it." He helps her stand and joins her on his feet.
Later that night, Cassian lays in bed beside Jyn. She's sleeping peacefully for once, face pressed against his shoulder. He's noticed that she needs to touch him at night. She'll reach for him, even if it's just her hand in his, her hand on his arm. She grounds herself to him, to her new reality and safety with the sensation of him under her fingertips. Cassian is seething, though, and unlikely to rest any time soon. He's imagined a hundred different ways to make Krennic's death slow and painful in the weeks previous, after knowing how he ruined Jyn's family and life. Now he's not certain against whom he should direct his wrath. There were rumors that there were experiments conducted on Imperial prisoners, but he had no idea they were sterilized against their will. The practice is barbaric, abhorrent. He hasn't wanted to be back in the Rebellion once since he left, but he's having second thoughts. If he still had contacts in Intelligence, he could locate the person responsible for this. The director or administrator. Someone. Anyone. Jyn may have doubts regarding her parenting abilities, but Cassian does not. They may not have had peaceful or stable childhoods, but he knows undoubtedly that Jyn would do everything in her power to protect a child.
It's not the loss of the ability to pass on his own genetics that bothers him. It's the fact that Jyn doesn't even have a choice. She's never had a choice - in anything about her life. Her mother left her to go save her father. Galen left her to Saw when he was pressed into service by the Empire. Saw Gerrera wouldn't have given her a choice about anything. She may have conflicted emotions regarding the man, but Cassian has read enough intel reports and spoken with enough contacts to know that Saw had no use for anyone that wasn't a tool in his fight against the Empire.
She wasn't really given a choice about confronting Saw again. Draven was pretty clear; get them an audience with Saw or enjoy rotting in Wobani. He'd assumed at the time that she left the Partisans on her own. He had no idea the can of emotional worms he was forcing her to open. She'd done it, though, after conducting herself admirably in several firefights, close-quarters combat, saving his own life and that of a small child, and bravely facing down Saw's men when the lot of them were in danger.
"He's with us!"
She'd stepped in front of Kaytoo. She'd saved his droid, who had been nothing but rude to her, when Baze threatened him with his weapon.
How much loss can one person's heart take before it breaks completely, he wonders? He can just make out her profile in the darkness, face pressed against him. He can hear her breathing, steady and even. No nightmares tonight. Not yet. After their talk, they'd gone back out to enjoy a delicious dessert. Cassian managed to whisper a quick "no more questions about children" to Hanako, who quietly passed on the dictate to Kentaro. They'd enjoyed a pleasant evening, but he can't deny that the celebration was muted after his talk with Jyn. He just wants a day, a single day for her that the Empire can't ruin. What other parts of her life can they destroy, he thinks grimly?
It doesn't matter, he finally decides. He's with her now. He'll spend the rest of his life trying to make her happy, to make up for the losses of the past - his past and hers. She's already doing that for him. He can feel the weight lifting off of him every time she smiles at him or reaches for his hand. Rolling carefully onto his side, he kisses the top of her head tenderly and brushes her hair from her face and neck. A warm hand wraps around her back and he takes a deep breath to calm himself. She's here now. Safe with him. He's not alone any longer. She kissed him like her life depended on it before she fell asleep, as if imbuing all of the thanks and gratitude she felt for him not rejecting her after his earlier revelation. He hadn't felt that wanted in his lifetime. Tomorrow an entirely new chapter of their lives starts, he knows. They get to start again.
A/N: It's far shorter than the recent chapters have been, but it was hard to write, so I'm posting here. So many decisions to make for how much to include in the upcoming chapters. Yeah. Chapters. I keep thinking I'm done, but then I keep NOT BEING done. So. Who knows? Not I. I'll try to make the next chapter longer, but I needed to accomplish SOMETHING this week, so this is going up now.
As always, a shout-out to the wonderful reviewers whose kind words help me work up the energy to get out of bed in the mornings: engineerwenlock, Moniecat, Christmas 95, Claire de Blanche, Guest, Capsassian, Loli-pop0394, GrumpyCat503 (totally agree, btw), Vilian, rezmutt, lindcita, Mademoiselle le Chat, and Maria de Sanctos - a million thanks. You have no idea how much your sweet, encouraging words mean to me. Posting something you write is seriously TERRIFYING - at least it is for me.