Its Eyes Were Jewels

Chapter 25

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As way of disclaimer, I own none of Anne McCaffrey's characters nor do I own her world (though I sometimes wish I did), I'm simply borrowing them for the time being.

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"Good morning, Elrenia."

The nights were getting easier as the days grew more productive. There was less time to ponder the what if's and could have been's when she was busy in the here and now. Over the course of her life, she'd heard this kind of life condemned by many people she thought were wise, but while living in such a loathed way she didn't see a problem.

"Elrenia?"

It made her feel better, to not have to think about the things that ailed her. When her feet ached at the end of the day she blamed it on Z'den and his "training", in an appreciative way. When a roast started burning on the spit and she recoiled so badly that an entire stack of bowls fell and needed to be cleaned again she blamed it on the fact that the smoke burned her eyes. All were real, acceptable excuses even if they weren't the only issues.

"I said good morning."

H'val stopped by the Weyr briefly a sevenday after he left to check up on her, and fill her in on what was going on at home. But they barely spoke for an hour before he was gone again. His pleasure at her growth left a bittersweet warmth in her stomach. She was overcoming, and convinced it was okay to do so, even if it really wasn't.

"Elrenia?"

Z'den kept her mornings full of education, the children kept her days full of chores and wonderment, but the nights left to her alone…

"Elrenia!"

"Huh?" she jumped, startled by the shout of her blonde companion. "What?"

"You're doing it again!"

"What? What am I doing?"

"Over analyzing. Thinking about who knows what, way too intensely." The blonde sighed. "What in the world is on your mind, dear?"

"I… I feel productive."

"In a good way?"

"Yes?"

"Really?"

"I… Yes."

Another sigh, and Elrenia had the distinct impression that she was being silently scolded. "You're happy here, aren't you?"

The question threw her off guard, because honestly it wasn't something that she thought too hard about. In fact, it was something she tried to avoid, when she wasn't directly questioned like this. There was no logical reason to dwell, to wonder, to confuse herself when she was okay with the way things were. But Mirah was looking at her in an almost hopeful way. She couldn't just blow off the question.

So she considered. Am I happy here? She was happier in the Weyr than she would have been wandering aimlessly, that didn't take very much thought. Anything would have been better than wandering the countryside. Here she had allies, and people who genuinely seemed to care about her. It was more than she would have been willing to ask for that day on the Tall Hill. She was content in her place at the Weyr. But… but was contentment happiness? Was settling for something that was better than what she'd originally expected really good enough?

"Elrenia?" The blonde looked much less serious now, having failed to get an answer from the girl. Unsure, perhaps. "You are happy here, right?"

"I…" She didn't want to lie, but felt the truthful answer lay somewhere between a yes and a no. How could she explain that? "I…"

"Elrenia?"

"I don't know."

Expecting some sort of explosion from the girl, an angry response at the betrayal, Elrenia cringed. But all the blonde did was sigh. "Come on," Mirah spoke gently, taking hold of her arm. "Let's go for a walk."

A walk? "I need to eat and find Z'den—"

"Sayath just told Arlith that you'll be a little late. It's fine." Mirah may have been younger than Elrenia, smaller than Elrenia, but she was a force to be reckoned with. She didn't often take no for an answer, and she had a very keen sense of what should and shouldn't be. There was no use in fighting when she was convinced that something needed to happen. And, apparently, a walk needed to happen.

So the brunette followed the girl out of the lower caverns, out into the bowl were the dragonets were splashing about in the cool water of the lake. Watching the little creatures made her smile every time. To think that the small things would grow to be the massive beasts watching with amusement from the heights was amazing. To think that the children handling those little dragons would be adults sooner than any of them thought. They would have responsibilities like they never could have imagined. They would no longer be living for themselves, they wouldn't even be living solely for their dragons. No. They would be living for Pern.

Please grow well. And she extended the thought to more than just the young Werylings. She would have given anything to see the children, under the careful eye of one of the older riders, mature into men and women even more amazing than they already were. Maybe, by helping to watch them, and care for them, she could facilitate such a thing. Maybe, just maybe, by being a part of their childhood she could prevent them from being the despicable people that everyone had the distinct potential to be. Everyone could be bad. But everyone could be good. They just needed a chance to be.

"Elrenia!" was squealed from the side, and the boy with the burned arm rushed over to her at the awkward waddle that young children tended to do before they really got hold of their sense of balance. Upon arriving at the brunette's side his arms shot up in a silent demand to be lifted, and once her surprisingly strong arms were hoisting him into the air he gave her a hug. "Good morning, Elrenia."

"Good morning, sweetling."

"Did you sleep good?"

"I slept fine." She smiled, honestly unable to react in any other way to the child. "Did you?"

"I slept okay, but Yanis snores!"

"Oh does he?"

"Yeah! Loud. Like Koth."

Elrenia honestly tried not to laugh at this, but it was difficult. He had such an adult expression of outrage on his face that he resembled a little man. It was several moments later that she finally managed to ask, "You don't want to play with the others?" knowing she should be surprised that he wasn't waiting anxiously a safe distance from the lake, hoping to be invited to join in with the scrubbing.

"I wanted to say hello." And he kissed her cheek before requesting, "Down please?"

"Have a good morning dear." And, obediently, Elrenia set him on the ground. "I'll see you after lunch."

"Yup!"

The little boy waddled back to the others, pointing and causing the group of kids to turn and wave, shouting greetings to the two women as Mirah started to lead Elrenia away once more. "You'll see them later," she assured, and the brunette nodded. "It seems Danaen's taken a liking to you."

"Danaen?"

"The little boy you were just holding."

"Oh," Elrenia laughed. "So that's his name. I… well, I never really got around to asking. They're so hyperactive in the middle of the day that there just never seems to be enough time for those formalities."

"You always get them right after they eat," Mirah said with a grin. "Of course they're hyper."

"They're good kids."

"I know." Motioning to the far end of the bowl, Mirah asked, "Shall we?"

"Why are we walking?"

"Because you need some fresh air, and time to think. I notice you've been extremely busy recently."

"I enjoy doing work."

"Do you enjoy not having any time for yourself?"

It may have been bad, but she did. She enjoyed not having time for herself. She hated the long nights alone. Hated the way that her mind was left to wander, and she needed to constantly clean, or rearrange in order to keep herself from thinking about things better left unthought of! Did she enjoy not having any time for herself? "Yes."

"Elrenia?"

"I-I don't like having… having time for me to just… to not do anything." She ignored the shock with which Mirah was gazing at her. "I don't like it."

"Why?"

"I…" Sighing, she leaned against the far wall of the bowl, sliding down it to sit. "I don't know."

"Do you really believe that?"

"What?"

"That you don't know?"

No. She knew why, but didn't have the words for it.

"Elrenia?"

"I… I don't know."

"Does this… is this about what you talked to Robinton about?"

She didn't say yes.

She didn't have to.

"Oh, Elrenia," Mirah murmured, moving to sit beside the girl as she pulled her knees up to her chin, wrapping her arms around them protectively. "Oh, dear. It… you're safe here, don't you know that?"

"I-I know."

"Do you?" The blonde ran her hands through her hair. "You keep saying that you do but you're still hiding."

"I…" There was nothing else to say. Mirah knew, and Elrenia was ashamed. Logic told her that she was safe. There was no way that anyone could hurt her, not with so many dragons watching her with their riders, not to mention the many other people. She knew they were. She knew that people kept an eye on her. All the time. When she was training with Z'den girls dropped by with drinks and towels. When she was with the children there were a dozen glowing eyes watching them carefully.

The only time she was ever truly alone was the middle of the night, when everyone was fast asleep. And she hated it. It was illogical, because even in the middle of the night there was a dragon on the heights with his rider, watching, but she was always afraid he'd sneak into her weyr. She was afraid she'd hear his infernal chuckle, and next thing anyone knew…

"You're better when H'val is here."

"What?"

"When H'val is here… you're not so afraid."

"I guess."

"But why?"

Because Koth was always in her head, telling her that everything would be okay. Because H'val had already stood up to the Weyrleader for her. Because she had no doubt that he'd take a knife for her. Because he was the one that saved her in the first place, even if she was acting like a fardling idiot when they first met. She'd never met someone more loyal, with a stronger sense of justice, than the young man still in Fort with his family. When H'val was there she was never truly alone, and in that she felt a deep seeded security. The same security she used to feel in complete isolation.

And still, with Mirah watching her calmly, waiting for a response she murmured, "I don't know."

"Crackdust." There was never any lying to Mirah. She knew everything. "Talk to me."

I don't want to.

But will you talk to me?

Nearly jumping to her feet at the gentle voice in her mind, Elrenia looked about in confusion. It wasn't Koth. She knew Koth's voice. This… this was… the young Gold sitting on a low ledge nearby, watching her with swirling blue-purple eyes. It took a moment, but the queen was recognizable. Sayath?

You are sad that Koth is not here to watch you?

A… little.

You are never alone.

"She's right, Elrenia."

"Mirah?"

"Sayath is right." One of Elrenia's hands were taken, squeezed carefully by her blonde friend. "You're never alone here. Even when you think you are, you're never alone. Not here."

"She… why is she talking to me?"

"Sayath likes you, Elrenia. Didn't you know?"

"I figured that… you know, since you like me she doesn't mind me, but…"

"She likes you." No question, just confidence. Mirah meant what she was saying, and smiled as she said it. "I think all the dragons do." This got a small grin from Elrenia as well, her heart fluttering softly to think of being approved of by so many wonderful creatures. "You're good. They like good people."

"Really?" she couldn't help asking. "You really think they like me?"

"Koth does. Sayath does. Arlith does—"

"You have no proof of that."

"You've clearly never seen him react to someone he doesn't like."

This was true, and so Elrenia didn't pursue the subject. She just listened to the carefully named list of dragons that just might have actually taken to her. Ramoth hadn't minded her around the few times she'd seen the big queen, but then she hadn't actually seen her in person since she'd laid her eggs. Mnementh never minded her going up to the Weyrwoman's chambers from the bowl, not so long as she greeted him. Canth didn't mind her in the least.

Even so, being willing to put up with someone's presence, did not mean that one was well liked. How many times am I going to go over this? She'd been willing to put up with his presence before he decided to massacre her family. His constant lingering hadn't been appreciated, but she dealt with it quietly, and politely. How could she be sure that the dragons weren't doing the same? How did she—how did anyone know that they weren't just putting up with her because their riders liked her, or had an obligation to her?

Koth, she knew, genuinely enjoyed her company. He'd said so on no too few occasions, and she couldn't even imagine doubting his words. Now, perhaps, she'd be willing to believe that Sayath liked her. But the others? No. There was no convincing her of this. Why would one so majestic as Ramoth like someone so lowly, and worthless as her.

Don't speak so of yourself, small one.

How exactly did riders deal with having their dragons constantly in their thoughts? There was no privacy. But, then, in a Weyr there was no privacy. She'd learned this her very first day, with girl's slipping in and out of her room with poor excuses, just to catch a glimpse of her. She'd learned this when she'd grown ill and everyone knew exactly what had happened.

There were no secrets in a Weyr. However, as annoying as this was a lot of the time, it was also oddly comforting. She couldn't deny that she it helped her feel just a little safer than she would have, had everyone not been firmly involved in her business. The Weyrfolk didn't seem to dislike her, and so if they saw anything bad happen, they'd surely put a stop to it. It was in their nature to protect their own and, while she was there, she was one of them.

"Would it bother you so much if they didn't like you?" Mirah asked quietly, turning her head to gaze at the oddly grinning brunette. There was a sort of relief in the blonde's bright brown eyes, to see Elrenia's spirits lifted even slightly, but she still seemed bothered by the whole situation. "There are so many people they simply accept. Is it bad to simply be accepted by dragons?"

There was simply no way she'd ever get used to so many people simply predicting what was on her mind, but still the girl had no difficulty coming up with an answer. "Of course not!" Elrenia replied immediately. She wanted to be liked, but it was not so bad to merely be… endured, even if the thought stung her deeply. "But…"

"It is important to you though."

"I… yes." The only reason Koth spoke to her, beyond being worried and young during their first encounter, was that he liked her. The reason Sayath deigned to speak to her was because she liked her. If… if other dragons liked her, logically there was a better chance that they'd speak to her too. She wasn't blessed with the ability to speak to and hear any dragon she wanted to, though she would have given anything to be like Lessa, or Brekke. "I… I like the dragons. They seem to have a better sense of right and wrong than most men."

"I can't argue that."

It wasn't the only reason, and Elrenia could tell that Mirah knew this, but that was okay. For some reason the young woman decided to leave the situation alone, and Elrenia appreciated it. There was never a moment that she wanted to argue, especially not with someone that she enjoyed the presence of. Deep within her mind there was the very real fear of alienating the only people she had. The very real fear that she'd say the wrong thing, and suddenly be alone again. She didn't want to be alone again. She didn't want to be alone ever.

You are never alone.

So said a dragon, gazing carefully down at her from a ledge, and who was she to argue? That the creature was willing to reassure her was more than enough. That she was speaking the words Elrenia so desperately longed to believe was only better still. If she said it, then maybe it was true.

It had to be. Dragons didn't lie, not as far as she knew. In fact, somehow she doubted that they were capable of deception such as that. Withholding information for the better of their rider, as was the case with Koth, yes. Forgetting things as was their nature, of course. But…

"Do dragons lie?"

The question, so off topic, stunned Mirah into silence for a prolonged second. Then, "Pardon?"

Elrenia was not entirely sure how to go about explaining. "I have never heard of dragons lying," she finally murmured. "Do… do they lie?"

"No."

Somehow this settled her, and she leaned against the wall, staring across the bowl with an odd sort of contentment. Dragons did not lie. Sayath said that she was never alone, and therefore it was the truth. Koth said he would never let her get hurt, and so this was the truth. The words of men meant nothing. They were fickle things, tossed about carelessly. But the dragons, incapable of deception, meant every single thing they said. And here Elrenia was, not a rider, barely a member of the Weyr, with the honor of speaking to two dragons.

How lucky could such an unlucky girl be?

"Arlith says that Z'den is asking for you."

"I should probably go eat then."

"Or, you could take the morning off."

Though the idea was tempting, Elrenia shook her head and levered herself off of the ground. "He's been so kind, taking time out of his day to teach me. I couldn't simply not show up because I want to."

"Maybe you should work out a schedule of sorts," Mirah suggested. "So you don't accidentally strain yourself, trying to learn this stuff."

"I'll bring it up to him." And, after lowering a hand and pulling the blonde to her own feet, Elrenia was making her way back to the lower caverns. Smiling at the eternally irritated looking man as he sipped his klah.

"Good talk?" he asked, barely looking up at her as he did.

"I suppose. I'll go get my food—"

"Perhaps we should… take a break today."

The suggestion was so random that Elrenia couldn't help but stop walking, looking back at the messy haired man as she tried to figure out when exactly Mirah had spoken to him about this. Honestly though, as much as she appreciated the girl, her meddling could be outrageous. "Oh?"

"Apparently, Arlith has been scolded by Sayath for allowing me to—and I quote—'make the small one so sleepy'." Perhaps she was mistaken in thinking so, but the girl could almost swear there was a hint of amusement in the man's tone. "Are you tired Elrenia?"

"No, Brown Rider."

"Don't you 'Brown Rider' me," the man practically growled, eyes narrowing as all signs of amusement were instantly banished. "I expect the truth when I ask you a question. Are you tired?"

How did he know she was lying? How do they always know? And why in the world did being referred to by his title suddenly bother him?

"I…" The truth. He wanted the truth. "I am. But… it's not you."

"Then what is it?" he asked, motioning for her to sit down across from him before pushing a bowl of food and a cup of klah in her direction. Why does he have extra food? Was he expecting this? "Why are you tired? Are the children being a handful?"

"No, Bro—Z'den. It has nothing to do with any of you, honestly."

After an evaluating stare the man nodded his head. But unlike Mirah, he didn't leave well enough alone. Right as the girl was preparing to breathe a sigh of relief, he asked, "Then what is it?"

What does he expect me to say? Mirah had been frustrated that she was still frightened. He… she could only imagine his angry disappointment. She didn't want to imagine it, but the moment it entered her mind she couldn't help it. After admitting the truth, he'd look at her with those deep green eyes, and just sigh. His sigh would say, quiet clearly, that all of his work was for nothing. He'd stop helping her. He would move on to pretending that she didn't exist, and once more she would be left alone.

But she was never alone.

Sayath said so herself.

"I…" Unwilling to deal with such a silly dilemma at the moment, she skirted the issue by murmuring, "I miss H'val."

"But, you're the one that told him to go."

"I know, but…"

"You miss Koth as well?"

"Yes." It almost startled her that he seemed to understand.

"They're the ones that brought you here, of course you miss them." And that was that. Z'den understood, and a knot she hadn't realized was deep within her stomach uncoiled immediately. "They'll both be back very soon," the man assured. "He misses you as well."

"He… he does?"

"Of course he does," the man responded blithely. "Quite a bit, actually."

"How… how do you know?"

"Koth bespeaks Arlith every night to check on you," he said as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "The dimglow is somehow convinced that you're not getting all of the attention you need because he's gone. As though we'd let you waste away without him constantly prodding us."

"He's… worried about me?"

"Yes," the man said with a shrug. Motioning for her to eat and drink, a silent order that he seemed to give quite often now that she thought about it. "Koth has a hard time speaking to you, being so far away. With Lessa it's easier, because she's sensitive to dragons. According to Arlith, Koth says that your voice is a soft buzz when he's in Fort, and this worries him. Perhaps even more than it worries H'val, if that's even possible."

"I… didn't know they worried."

"Did you think they did not?"

"I suppose."

"Do you forget that he is the one who sat with you every day when you were ill?" the man asked, not unkindly, with the sternest of expressions. "Even if there is no true attachment there, which I assure you is not the case, he's put too much energy into keeping you safe and well to forget about you so easily."

"He's… attached to me?"

"Very much so, my dear."

She refused to admit there was a flutter in her stomach at the thought. A thousand tiny firelizards set loose in her bowels, batting about like mad.

"Now, eat your food so we can begin for the day." And then, sort of as an afterthought, added on, "Unless you'd prefer not to."

"Never." She meant it. "You… can go on ahead, if you'd prefer. I can eat by myself."

With an oddly mysterious smirk, he murmured, "Never." Then, a moment later, "And don't rush. You'll be sick, and I'll be forced to sit through a Brekke-lecture."

"Oh, the horror."

"Don't tease, lest you be subjugated to one as well."

"Sorry, Z'den," she chuckled.

As always, the food was delicious. Manora was excellent at her job, keeping the food coming at all times of the day and night, but the first servings were always best. There was no way to get around this, ever. With excellent food in front of her, it was hard not to enjoy eating, though she still managed to do so in the meticulous manner that got the occasional joke from a Weyrling, quickly glared back into place by Z'den. A sort of tradition, as she saw it.

How she ever doubted that she was well protected here was beyond her, even with a knot of worry in her gut.