The road north to Mirkwood was a two week journey on horseback along the edge of the Anduin to reach the Old Ford where they could safely cross (a fact that Amdir appreciated) and enter the forest. Once in Mirkwood, they would head north again to Rhosobel, then on to the Enchanted River and Thranduil's Halls through a secret path known only to elves.
They were a large party to begin with, and the Lorien guards swelled their ranks to almost 20, yet they travelled light and they travelled quick.
The moment they passed over Lothlorien's northern march, the mood of the party had shifted from happy reunions to a grimmer awareness of the danger they faced. Aea's news meant that they lit no fires at night, and Haldir's desire to move quickly left little room for pleasure.
Billowy silk flags, traditionally part of the honour guard, were traded for sensible green tunics and sharp silver swords. Hair was braided and tucked back, and 20 sets of eyes studied the riverbank to the right and the rising mountains to the left keenly as they rode. Talk was kept to a minimum as each elf fell into line, pushing their horses to the brink of exhaustion each day for 13 days.
Amdir didn't question Haldir's decision to swap comfort for time. In fact, nobody questioned him as he replaced Orophin at the head of the small group. Haldir was a natural leader that other elves gravitated towards, and she had watched him carefully since they left Lothlorien, seeing how he interacted quietly but firmly with the other warriors, and noting his self-discipline as he made time to train every night, even if it was only for an hour.
Haldir did not return her interest and it was clear his mind was focused on their journey. I am in danger of stalking him, she thought to herself as, even now, she watched as he rode ahead of her through the narrow strip of land between the mountains and the river with a grim face, constantly staring across the river and into the distant treeline searching for movement, for sudden clouds of moving birds, or for anything that could signal a pending orc attack.
To Amdir's chagrin, Haldir continued to keep Aea close, and the woman shared his horse more often than not.
Amdir could not understand it; particularly when there were well-trained pack horses Aea could ride. Elves always travelled with extra mounts in case a horse went lame. While Haldir's destrier was strong, why give it the extra burden of the woman? Unless of course, Haldir enjoyed Aea behind him, her breasts pressing against the March Warden's back, her arms laced around his waist…
Aea turned her head back and met Amdir's eye and Amdir immediately looked away, then returned to Aea's questioning face with a smile that Aea returned.
She rode alongside Elladan. Behind her rode Seren and Rumil, then a number of soldiers whose names she was only now learning, and at the rear rode Elrohir and Orophin. When Haldir requested it, Elladan and Orophin scouted ahead, but they always returned with good news: The way was clear, for now.
If Uldor was alive, he would ride alongside Amdir, probably behind Seren and Rumil. But of course, if Uldor was alive, they'd be living safe in the embrace of Fangorn's tall woven trees. She'd be safe in the embrace of Uldor's strong battle-scarred arms. She shook her head to dispel the thought. No point in weighing down her already heavy heart. She glanced at Elladan, as he rode at a quick clip beside her.
The sun was to west, quite low in the sky, almost behind the mountains and was beginning to glow peach. It gilded Elladan's dark brown braids with gold.
He glanced back at her, a small smile upon his lips. Nothing ever got this son of Elrond down. He loved adventure, he loved danger, he loved life, and she had recently begun to understand that he loved her. Not as a lover, perhaps, but a truer brother never existed.
When they returned from Erebor, she would remain in Rivendell with the twins. There she would continue grieving Uldor, and there she would work hard to forget the other loss who currently rode ahead of her, a beautiful dark-haired warrior woman pressed against him.
When they finally stopped to make camp, she climbed off her mount with shaky legs.
Elladan laughed. "You look like a beginner."
She shook her head as she loosened the straps of the saddle. He closed the distance to help her lift it off the horse's back and she smiled at him with gratitude.
"I feel like a beginner. He rides us hard," she pointed her chin towards Haldir who was lifting the saddle off his own horse, Aea standing behind him watching.
Elladan shrugged. "We know there are orcs coming. He does what any responsible leader would do."
"I don't mean to question him," she said quickly. "Only to question my ability to keep up with him."
Elladan smiled, and together they led their horses to drink from a small stream of cold silver water that ran towards the river. There they were joined by Seren, who leaned down to splash water on her face.
"I am so tired I could sleep a year," she said as she rose.
Elladan took the reins of Amdir's horse and led the two horses away. With a grin, Amdir took Seren's arm and led her up the small bank to where the elves where unfurling their bedrolls and opening their food packs.
"If you slept a year, you would have an elfling in your arms when you awoke," said Amdir.
Seren smiled. "I still can't believe that Rumil let me come. 'One last adventure before the baby comes', he said. Although I worry that he is contemplating leaving me at Thranduil's palace if it gets any more dangerous."
"You are Lord Celeborn's negotiator. They can't leave you behind. Are you worried?"
She ran her hand over her still flat belly. "No, not really. I feel safe around these warriors. And besides, haven't you and I had our own adventures? As long as I'm with you, what could happen?"
Amdir rolled her eyes and laughed, pulling Seren closer to her as they walked. "When I think of you and I travelling solo… We were brave, weren't we?"
"We still are!"
"Seren, perhaps it should be you leading the party, Aea riding behind you," said Amdir. Her voice was more caustic than she'd intended and Seren's brow rose.
"Amdir, do you think Haldir has an interest in Aea?"
"No, of course not, but…"
Seren's brow rose higher.
"But there are many spare horses. I don't see why Aea couldn't ride one of those unless Haldir doesn't want her to."
Seren gave her a long look. "You really care for him, don't you?"
Amdir opened her mouth to answer but nothing came out.
"It's a little bit obvious," Seren helped out.
Amdir sighed. "Is it? Has it always been?"
The pretty negotiator nodded and Amdir frowned. "Do you think it's possible to love two people at one time? I mean, I cared for Uldor very much, in fact, I loved him, Seren. I was happy with him and he made me feel safe and protected, and sometimes I think I will never get past his death. The only time I feel peace is when…when…"
"When you are with Haldir."
Amdir closed her eyes. "That shows too." Seren nodded again and placed her hand over Amdir's.
"I know you have been through a lot, but you are young, yet. Perhaps there could be a chance for you and Haldir."
Amdir knelt down and spread out her bedroll on the grass, far enough away from the others that their conversation wouldn't be overheard. Seren followed suit and the two sat down with relief.
Amdir handed Seren a wine skin and Seren looked at it with a tilted head. "I really shouldn't, in my condition, but I'm really going to. And you are not off the hook in answering my question about Haldir. Is there a chance?"
Amdir unfolder her legs in front of her and leaned back on her hands. "No. He says he could never love me now that I've loved Uldor. That that ship has sailed. He will never marry me. He doesn't want me. He feels I betrayed him and he doesn't trust me at all, and now I am quite sure he cares for Aea and who could blame him? I have ruined it, I broke his heart and now my own shall never mend."
When Amdir looked up she was met with Seren's wide astonished eyes and open mouth. "Did he really say this to you? That does not sound like Haldir at all. What on earth happened between the two of you?"
Amdir looked glum. "No, he didn't exactly say that, but I know it nonetheless. Oh Seren, I have treated him cruelly. If you knew the truth, you would side with him, I know it."
Seren sat up. "Side with him? Amdir, love is not about being right or wrong, sometimes when we are ruled by our hearts, we make foolish mistakes, but those who love us forgive us, for they too are ruled by their foolish hearts."
Amdir held Seren's gaze. "He will never forgive me."
Seren's brow beetled in sympathy and she leaned forward. "Tell me everything."
By the time Amdir was done, Seren's eyes were wet, and she held the young elleth's hands. Miraculously, the others had given the two space to speak uninterrupted, until someone cleared his throat behind him. Both looked up to see Haldir standing next to Aea. The woman's face was sullen.
"Aea needs to go past those trees. I wondered if one of you could accompany her?"
Amdir and Seren stood abruptly, and rather than looking at Haldir, Amdir kept her eyes on the ground. When she finally looked up at him, he stared at her with a puzzled expression on his face.
Seren stepped forward. "I will accompany her, Haldir."
Amdir found her voice. "No, let me. You are tired and need to rest, and I could use the walk and welcome the chance to speak with Aea."
Seren stepped back with relief and Aea offered Amdir a strained smile. Amdir took the woman's hand and glanced at Haldir. "You may leave us, Haldir, I will keep Aea safe."
He nodded and glanced at the bedrolls. "Please move your bedding closer to the group before it gets fully dark. It is not safe for you two to be on the outskirts of our protection, and I know that Rumil worries for you, Seren."
"And who worries for Amdir, I wonder?" quipped Seren, and Amdir's cheeks flamed. Three pretty faces turned to study Haldir, who pressed his lips into a thin line and quickly turned on his heel to rejoin the larger party.
"Seren," began Amdir, intending to admonish her friend, but Aea interrupted. "Amdir, take me past those trees. I can't wait much longer."
Seren mouthed "I'm sorry," and Amdir rolled her eyes with a smile as she quickly led Aea towards the treeline.
"Your march warden does not trust me," said Aea in Rhun, as soon as they were out of earshot. "For almost a week he has barely let me speak to anyone. It is a miracle he doesn't follow me into the woods when I must make water."
Amdir mentally noted the Rhun words for 'make water'. Ahead of them was a collection of large boulders surrounded with small shrubs beginning to flower. Both were large enough for the woman to disappear behind. Amdir respectfully turned her back.
"I don't think it's a matter of trust, Aea. I can see that he takes a keen interest in you, but I think he wishes to keep you close for another reason."
Aea reappeared looking much more relaxed and adjusting her headscarf as she walked. She snorted at Amdir's comment. "You suggest an affection? What kind of affection does it speak to when he strips me of my weapons and refuses to give me my own horse? Think what you wish, Amdir, but I am a prisoner. Had I known this would be my welcome, I would never have come!"
Amdir switched to Sindarin. "But Aea, you came to warn us. Surely you do not regret that?"
Aea sighed. "Of course not. You, Seren and I went through much together, and we were almost sisters. I do not regret protecting you, but that man – elf – is so arrogant and stubborn. He forgets that I am the Chief of the Men of the Brown now. I do not deserve to be a prisoner."
"Assuming you are prisoner, which I don't believe is the case."
Aea looked at Amdir like a parent would look at a wayward child. "There is really no guile in you, is there? You believe in the best in everyone."
She frowned. Thranduil had always said that her honesty was her best quality, but she was not a child, not anymore, and she would prefer to earn the woman's respect, not be patronized by her. In truth, Amdir wished she could be more like Aea; a stout hearted healer, a fighter, now a leader of men. And beautiful. Even when she complained in her softly accented Rhun, she had an inner strength that Amdir knew others found attractive. If anyone should be queen of Rhun, it should be this woman.
"He would not hold you prisoner, he would not dare. You are just like your brother. How could Haldir not be attracted to you? In truth I am jealous."
Aea blinked with surprise at her words. "Why jealous?"
"Because I wish I were more like you."
Aea's black lined eyes crinkled at the sides in a genuine smile, and her face softened. "I'm sorry I said that Amdir, I am tired and frustrated at my lack of freedom. Do not listen to me."
Amdir smiled back although her heart felt heavy. "It is forgotten. Wait for me while I 'make water' (she said in Rhun) too, before we return to the camp."
Aea nodded and Amdir disappeared behind the rock. As she fiddled with her leggings, something in the shrub brush her cheek and she swatted it away. When it brushed her cheek a second time, she turned her head and there, tied to the bush was a small swath of material from Aea's Easterling scarf. She carefully undid the knot and hid the material in the pocket of her tunic, then took a deep breath and collected herself before returning to Aea with something she hoped approximated a bright smile. Aea studied her longer than usual, but she said nothing and walked alongside Amdir back to the camp.
An hour later the sun had sunk behind the mountains and the crickets were beginning to chirp. Amdir sat on a bedroll between Elladan and Elrohir eating hard cheese and listening to Seren tell a story of a great Lothlorien battle. On the other side of the circle of bedrolls, sat Aea between Orophin and Rumil and on the bedroll where Haldir had been sitting up until a few minutes ago, now lounged a Lorien guard named Celebir. Amdir looked around and saw a glimmer of moonlight on silver hair as Haldir walked alone into the trees behind their camp.
The night air had grown chilly and Amdir rose, one hand in her pocket, her fingers rubbing the length of material Aea had tied to the tree, and told her companions she had to see an elf about a horse, then took off in Haldir's direction.
The moon was in its darkest phase and it was hard to see more than a few feet in front of her, let alone track where the March Warden had gone. Not that she wanted to catch him in the midst of…well… that would be awkward. Her goal was to catch him right before he emerged from the trees.
She intentionally rattled some branches as she walked and cleared her throat a few times, just in case. Then she picked up a dry branch from the forest floor and wacked it against a tree trunk with a 'thunk'.
"What in Mandos' Halls are you doing?"
She turned around. "Ah, you found me."
"I'm sure that every living creature within five miles could find you with the racquet you were making. Is there a particular reason you've decided to advertise our presence here to all of Middle-earth, or were you simply out for a stroll?"
She ignored his sarcasm. "I need to talk to you. Aea thinks she is your prisoner. Is this true?"
Haldir moved his face closer to Amdir. "What did she say?" he asked quietly.
She could smell the wine on his breath. She wondered if she were to kiss him, if she would taste it on his tongue. "She said that she is frustrated you won't give her her own horse. That you watch her constantly, and that you are arrogant and stubborn."
He exhaled a wry laugh. "Well, she probably has that last part correct."
"And the first part?"
Haldir tilted his head to look at Amdir. Shadows fell across the broad plains of his face, but she could still make out his full lips and arched brows.
"Amdir, she showed up uninvited, with knowledge of a meeting she should never have been made aware of, and warning us of orcs. Prior to our failed treaty with Rhun, and despite the good deeds of the Men of the Brown, the Easterlings have ever been our enemies. If you are here to ask me to release her, then—"
"No, Haldir," she put her hand on his arm. "I'm here because I found this." She pulled out the material and handed it to him. "She had tied it to a shrub and I found it."
He held it up thoughtfully. "Did she see you?"
"I don't think so. Is she on our side?"
"I don't know. Please don't mention this to anyone."
"But are we in danger? The others should know."
Haldir exhaled a concerned breath. "It would serve no purpose but to create anxiety. We are already taking every precaution – there is nothing more we can do that we are not already doing. There is no point in adding worry to mix. You will say nothing?"
"I will say nothing,"
They stood still for a heartbeat until she remembered that she was still holding his arm. She dropped it with an embarrassed breath. "Forgive me," she said and stepped back.
"Nothing to forgive."
"You should go out first."
"I don't want you in the forest alone. You can go first. I will wait here."
She took a deep breath. When had things grown so awkward between them? Still, she did not want to leave him. Better to spend agonized awkward moments with him, than none at all. Reluctantly she turned away from him and began to walk towards the camp. What is that Seren had said? Those who love us, forgive us, for they too are ruled by their foolish hearts.
She took all of four steps before she reared back around, then closed the distance between them.
"What is it?" he asked, concern in his voice.
She could see the outline of his cheekbones framed with silver braids and reached up to touch his face.
"Haldir, this is silly. It is not Aea that should be riding with you, it is me. I know I hurt you, but it was not because I stopped caring! We should be together, like Rumil and Seren. Like we were before, and me with your baby in my belly. Haldir, we are elves and we bonded. We do not change so quickly. Surely you still love me? Let's end this pretence and give in to what I believe we both still want!"
She held her breath, till strong fingers wrapped around her wrist and pulled her hand away and placed it back at her side. Her heart sank. He did not let go of her wrist, but he did not step closer, even when she lowered her head, almost touching his chest with her crown. She felt a soft touch on her scalp and looked up at him.
"Is it the hair?"
He sighed, and his shoulders dropped a measure. He placed his hands gently on either side of her face, his thumbs touching the soft hair around her temples.
"I like the hair, rabbit, but it's why you cut it. You loved him, even with my baby in your belly, and I cannot get past that."
She placed her hands over his so that he could not remove them. The heat of them radiated down her neck and through her entire body, and her heart sped up. Had she ever felt his with Uldor? She didn't think so; it was had always been Haldir. "Please Haldir, he is gone and we are still here. I know I am young and have few years compared to you, but I have loved you for every one of them. My entire life. Please do not punish me for what happened. I didn't mean to love him, and I didn't know about the baby. I didn't bond with him, and now he is gone. You were my first, Haldir, there has been none since you. How can I walk away from you?"
He pulled his hands back and she felt their loss acutely. "Amdir, we have been over this before. Nothing has changed. Please do not be upset, you only make it harder for yourself. Aea is right about my suspicions, but even if that were not the case, I would ride alone. I would not ride with you."
He paused, and she took the time to collect herself.
"Please do not speak about what I have told you tonight," he continued, as though her declaration had not happened. "Be wary, and act normal. There is nothing more to say ,so please return to camp."
"Haldir…"
"Please return to camp," he repeated more sternly, although his voice broke on the last word, and it gave her hope.
"No, I will not. I will stay here until…"
"Until what? I pick you up and carry you back to camp?" His voice had a slight growl to it that made her belly flip flop. Her heart beat more quickly.
"Maybe," she turned to face him and brazenly ran her hands down his arms, feeling his biceps, inhaling his scent of leather and grass, now mixed with red wine.
"We should be together," she whispered, more to herself than to him, and when her hands reached his wrist, she could feel the blood pulsing through his veins quickly, and she knew she was affecting him.
"What are you doing?" he whispered hoarsely.
Her hands moved inwards, and she placed them on his chest where she could feel his heart beating, then ran them down his torso. His breath caught, but he stood still and she stepped closer, allowing her breasts to press up against him, angling her hands under his shirt to caress the smooth muscles of his back down to his narrow hips.
"You said you would pick me up and carry me away if I continued. I want to see if you meant it." Her fingers played along the waistband of his leggings then dipped underneath. He stood rigid, his breathing was rapid and shallow, but still he allowed her to continue.
Despite her desire to take control, her own breath was ragged and her blood rushed between her legs creating delicious pressure. It was all she could do to not rub against him, but she was still unsure of his reaction.
Light reflected off his eyes as he stared down at her and she pressed against him harder, then she reached down the front of his leggings and wrapped her hands around the length of him. He gasped, and she didn't need to coax him for he was already rock hard. Finally, he stayed her hand. "Amdir," he said in a strangled voice. "You should not be doing this."
She kissed the hollow of his neck and let her lips linger, her tongue softly licking him, while she simultaneously tightened her grip on his member, her other hand squeezing his buttock. He licked his lips and she could feel him grow slick beneath her fingers, then his head bowed down till his lips were in her hair, one hand pulling her into him, the other running up and down her back. "Amdir," he growled.
"You said you would pick me up and carry me…"
Without a moment's hesitation, he leaned over and picked her up as though she weighed nothing, then he carried to the edge of the treeline and deposited her in an ungraceful heap upon the grass. She looked up at him wide eyed and open mouthed, a picture of shocked indignation.
"Next time, hear me," he said, then he adjusted his leggings and strode off towards to the camp.
"I hate you!" she yelled after him, but he continued walking. She willed him to turn around, but before long he was mostly out of sight. With a humiliated sigh she laid back and stared up to the stars. "Eru Iluvatar, if you are listening, please open the earth and swallow me now, for I can never face him again."