I was born to tell you I love you
But isn't that a song already?
I get a B in originality
And it's true I can't go on without you
Your smile makes me see clearer
…and your slowly shaking fingertips show
That you're scared like me so
Let's pretend we're alone
And I know we're unprepared
But I don't care
Tell me tell me what makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
Please don't tell me I'm the only one that's vulnerable
Vulnerable by Secondhand SerenadeThe next day, which was a Saturday, Lily did not make an appearance at breakfast or lunch. James, too, was noticeably absent at breakfast, although he did show up for lunch, ravenous and quite pale, with dark shadows beneath his eyes. He caused a first year girl to burst into tears when he shouted at her for not passing him the salt shaker fast enough, then issued a very gruff apology when McGonagall came to reprimand him.
"Oi Prongs. What's with you?" Sirius asked when McGonagall left again. "You haven't reduce a girl to tears in quite a while!"
"What's wrong with me?" James snapped angrily, turning on Sirius, who drew back at the murderous look in his friend's eyes. "My mother died, Padfoot! That's what's wrong with me!"
The Gryffindor table went very silent as the very bad-tempered James stabbed viciously at his chicken with his fork. He knew he should apologize for being an ass, but at the same time, he could not bring himself to swallow his pride long enough to do so. His head was pounding, and he was sincerely regretting finishing that bottle of firewhiskey the night before.
"Where's Lily?" Nicole asked hesitantly, pouring black coffee into the empty goblet in front of his plate.
He snorted. "How should I know? I'm not her caretaker."
Her bottom lip trembled, but she bit down on it. "Well, I just thought you might have seen her, maybe in your common room?" she said, her voice hopeful and scared at the same time. "She hasn't been around all day, and I'm sort of getting worried."
"She's fine," he growled. "Just sleeping off the effects of her first ever hangover, I'd imagine."
"You got her drunk?" she asked, disbelief edging her voice.
His first instinct was to fiercely deny this, but it had been he who'd offered her the whiskey in the first place, so he shrugged and said somewhat defensively, "I might have offered her a few drinks of my firewhiskey."
"Well, that certainly explains why you're so edgy," Sirius muttered beneath this breath, which earned him a kick from Remus under the table. "Ouch! What'd you do that for, Moony?"
"So you haven't seen her at all since last night then?" Nicole pressed, ignoring Sirius and Remus who were now heatedly discussing something that sounded a lot like, "manners," "common courtesy," "grieving," and "insensitivity" in low voices, glaring at each other. "It's just that she hasn't been eating again, and I'm just wor—"
James scowled at these words. "She's just in shock," he snarled in such a fierce voice that it left no room for argument on the subject. "You would be too, if you killed your father!"
But Nicole was not to be deterred. "You know, I was thinking," she said in a rush, piling more food onto James's plate, "that maybe we could convince her to go see that therapist woman. Madam Forster? I think that would really do some good. Maybe she could overcome all of her past, and move on. It would be really great if she could do that."
"Well good luck getting her up there," he told her dryly. "Personally, I'd hate to be the one that asks her to go. Those hexes of hers certainly pack a wallop."
"Well," Nicole said slowly, a thoughtful look on her pretty face, "perhaps we could simply talk to her then. We're her friends. She's bound to listen to us, right?"
"Listen and get very, very angry," he answered grumpily. Why was she insisting on pursuing this? An angry Lily was a dangerous Lily, and James had lots of firsthand experience on this subject.
"I really think she needs to talk," she said, as if reading his thoughts. "If she keeps hiding everything and refusing to face it, she's going to end up even worse than before—maybe even wind up dead. I just want to help her."
Nicole was right, and James knew it. If Lily really did keep repressing her feelings, nothing good would come of it. But how were they supposed to approach her without having her shut them out? He'd already made a huge mistake by not acknowledging her love. How was he to know that she already hadn't closed herself off to him?
"Oh, all right," he said finally, heaving a huge sigh. "We'll try to talk to her, but if she ends up hating us all, you should know that I will hold you wholly, personally accountable."
Nicole's face lit up in a smile despite the words. "She'll thank us for this one day."
Somehow, he doubted that.
u n u n u n u n u n u n u n u n u n u n u n u n u n u n u n
Lily was indeed sleeping off the hangover the firewhiskey had bestowed upon her. She had hardly left her bed all day, for she found moving too much was intensely painful, but when she slept, her dreams were often haunted with images of her father lying in a pool of his own blood. She was in the clutches of a particularly horrible nightmare when she was jolted awake by the sound of someone's fist pounding on her door. She merely grunted, however, and rolled over, trying to ignore it.
The sound came again, though, and this time it was accompanied by a voice. "Lily? Are you awake?"
How can I not be, with all that noise you're making?! she wanted to shout back, but her throat and lips were terribly dry. So she gingerly got out of bed and strode to the door and swung it open, glaring.
Nicole took a step back, clearly alarmed at the murderous look in those red-rimmed, glassy green eyes. "I was wondering if you'd like to talk," she said nervously.
A delicate red eyebrow rose as Lily glanced around at the four Marauders standing around her black-haired friend. For a moment her eyes met those the colour of melted chocolate, and her look hardened even more, if such a thing was possible.
"Talk?" she repeated in a raspy voice, returning her eyes to the only other girl.
Nicole nodded hesitantly. "I thought you might want to talk about what happened with your fath—"
They were suddenly met with the back of the wooden door. The redhead had slammed it shut so forcefully that the breeze from its passage swept across their faces, ruffling their hair.
"Well, that went splendidly," James quipped dryly, not even slightly fazed by the glare Nicole shot him. Compared to those of Lily Evans, most glares were nothing but a simple glance.
"You could have helped me a bit," she snapped irritably as the five of them descended the stairs to the common room.
"I tried to warn you, Stone," he replied easily, shrugging his shoulders. "Lily doesn't talk about things when asked. She only offers titbits of information when you get her really, really angry and she looses control, or she chooses to talk. Just asking nicely isn't going to do the trick."
"Well, if you're so smart, why can't you get her to talk then?"
"Because currently, she isn't speaking at all to me," James admitted awkwardly. "Besides, I'd rather wait until she's ready to talk before hassling her about it."
"Maybe I could try again, with just me this time, though," Nicole said thoughtfully, ignoring James. "She talked to me before, back when she was crying in the girls' lavatory. Maybe she just doesn't want to talk in front of you guys."
James rolled his eyes. This girl was beyond stubborn. She was completely unaware of the fact that Lily clearly did not want to talk to anyone. And it wasn't like he hadn't tried to tell her just to let it go. She just couldn't take no for an answer apparently.
The Marauders watched as Nicole promptly turned around and bounced back up the stairs to knock once again on Lily's door.
"Can't you control that girl?" James asked Sirius in dismay.
Sirius shot his friend a calculating look. "What do you want me to do, put a leash on her?"
"She certainly is determined," Remus remarked, shaking his head as Nicole called through the wood into the den of the redheaded monster beyond the door.
The door was suddenly jerked open so quickly that the girl pounding on it nearly fell inside. None of the boys envied Nicole as she once again came face to face with the extremely miffed Lily. "STOP. BANGING. ON. MY. DOOR. OR. I. WILL. BASH. YOUR. HEAD. IN," she snarled, emphasizing each word very slowly and dangerously, and Nicole looked rather frightened.
"May I come in?" she asked timidly, wringing her hands in front of her. "Please?"
"Well, she's certainly got the whole 'get-Lily-really-angry-until-she-looses-control-and-starts-talking' part down, doesn't she?" said Peter, cowering behind Sirius as if for protection.
To the boys' astonishment, however, Nicole disappeared into Lily's room, the door shutting behind her.
"Look, Nicole, I know you're only trying to help me," Lily said when she'd closed the door again. "But seriously. I don't need to talk. I'd actually just rather sleep. All right?"
"But isn't there anything you'd like to say?" Nicole asked incredulously, sitting down on the side of the bed.
The redhead heaved a huge sigh. Apparently this was not going to be as easy as she'd expected. "What's there to talk about? He abused me. I killed him. It's over."
"Yeah, but…" The other girl hesitated, looking uncomfortable. "Well, don't you feel guilty about it? I know that if I'd killed my father, I'd feel awful!"
"Your father never abused you, Nicole," the redhead snapped furiously. She sucked in a breath and tried to put a clamp around her temper. "He never felt guilty when he beat and raped me. Why should I be sorry that I killed him to save James's life?"
"I guess you're right," Nicole said quietly after a moment. "So you don't feel bad at all?"
"I'm sorry that I had to make his death so gruesome by using a knife rather than an Unforgivable Curse," Lily admitted. She looked thoughtful. "However, after I was put under the Imperius curse, it really didn't matter what I used to do it. I regret it now though."
Nicole stood up again and headed for the door. "Well, I'm sorry you had to do it at all. I wish things weren't so hard for you all the time, Lily. If there was anyone in the world who deserves a better life right now, it's you."
Lily was speechless. It was quite possibly the nicest thing someone had ever said to her—or at least in a very long time.
"You should probably go back to bed. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
Lily nodded and watched Nicole smile lightly and exit the room, closing the door gently behind her.
"Perhaps I should apologize for being so mean," the redhead mused aloud as she got up and began to pace around her room. "She really is only trying to help me. She's such a good friend, and I've been awful."
But do you really want friends anymore? a small voice asked in the back of her mind. It'd be much easier to just let everyone think you're a horrible person. Then no one would want to get close. Friends just cause trouble. Voldemort exploited your feelings for James to turn you into a murderer.
A small ache began pulsing in the pit of her stomach. Her feelings for James…that were apparently not returned. Though, if she was completely honest with herself, she didn't see how she could ever expect him to feel anything for her. He knew every bad aspect of her life. She was dirty now, used and then tossed away. How could anyone love her?
The aching turned into hot anger. No. She knew he felt something for her, and she was going to make him tell her what it was. She was in control of her life now, and no one could take that away from her. She crossed the room to her bed and sat down, carefully arranging her plan.
u n u n u n u n u n u n u n u n u n u n u n u n
"Hurry up Wormtail, would you?" Sirius snapped at the small rotund boy, who had tripped over his untied shoelace and now lay sprawled on his face at the top of James's Head Boy staircase.
"Sorry!" squeaked Peter, quickly sitting up and tying his shoelaces before jumping up once again.
"Remus should be walking down to the grounds with Madam Pomfrey right now," James said, checking his watch impatiently. "We've got to hurry, or we'll be late."
"If we are, you can blame Captain Clumsy here," Sirius said sorely, shooting a reproachful look over his shoulder at Peter.
"Stop arguing!" James snapped. "Moony needs us, and all this ridiculous bickering is only going to slow us down. Now come on."
They made their way silently down the stone steps, and James was just pulling his Invisibility cloak out when a small noise like someone clearing their throat made them all jump and whirl around. Lily stood by the dying fire with her arms across her chest, her form outlined with a red glow from the embers behind her.
The three boys stared at her incredulously for several moments, until Sirius spoke up quietly, pushing James forward slightly. "Go on, mate. Go deal with her. Fast."
"Hi," James said, feeling extremely awkward all of a sudden. "What are you doing out of bed?"
"I could ask you the same thing," she replied evenly. "But instead, I'll answer you. I need to know something."
"Uh…" he said, looking back over his shoulders and Peter and Sirius, who looked nervous and irritated, respectively. James knew they couldn't hear what he and Lily were saying, though, because they were too far away.
"Do you love me?" she asked simply.
He nearly began choking. "W-what?" he spluttered, trying to recover himself.
Her expression was mild and blank. "Do you love me?" she repeated.
Behind him, he could hear Sirius sighing impatiently. "Uh, listen…do you think we could do this later? I'm kind of in a hurry."
She shrugged indifferently. "Answer my question, and we'll be done here."
"Lily, I can't do this here," he said desperately, searching her face, though for what he couldn't be sure. "Not now."
"Now is all I've got left," she whispered, holding his gaze steadily with hers. "I can't think about the past, and I don't even know if I have a future."
"Well, you at least have a future of tomorrow," he said, practically begging now. "So we can talk about it then, can't we? I promise—as soon as you want to talk tomorrow, I will do it. Just not now."
"Come on, Prongs!" Sirius called.
"Lily, please!" He gently put his hands on her shoulders, moving slowly so he wouldn't take her by surprise. "Tomorrow, okay?"
"If it's not now, James, it's not ever. If you don't tell me one way or the other tonight, there won't be a tomorrow for you to tell me."
For a split second, James was terrified about the possibilities behind those words—did that mean she was planning on committing suicide if he didn't tell her? —but then he looked carefully into her eyes and came to a realization that was almost as frightening. If he couldn't tell her right now, she would shut him out forever. He could read between the lines of her words to know that she was on the edge of falling into herself, the same way she had after she realized she'd murdered her father. She was incredibly close to giving up on everything.
And he had the power to stop her. She was giving him the perfect opportunity to finally tell her what he'd been trying to say for ages.
"Evans, just let him go, all right?" Sirius called angrily. "We're in a really big hurry. You don't understand—"
"Oh, I think I understand more than you give me credit for, Black," she replied coolly, never taking her eyes from James's.
It felt as if the breath had been knocked from his chest. She knew about Remus being a werewolf? Then he wanted to kick himself. Of course she knew. She wasn't stupid. She was simply using this event to give James an idea of the rushed, panicky situation he'd put her in. She had confessed that she loved him, and he had said nothing. She was letting him know that she'd been sorely hurt by this, and felt extremely panicked that she'd done the wrong thing.
As he stared into those empty-looking eyes, he realized that there was something under that emptiness. Vulnerability. Fear. She was exposing everything she was for him, throwing it all out there. This is me, she seemed to say. Take it or leave it.
Seeing that fear and vulnerability in her eyes gave him courage. This scared her, too. But unlike him, she actually had the courage to do something about that fear. Yeah, she was terrified that it would end up like everything else in her life had, but she was still willing to take a chance. And if the girl who had lost absolutely everything she could ever possibly lose was willing to put stock into a relationship with him, then he highly doubted he could let his fear hinder it.
"I love you, Lily Evans," he breathed at last.
The rigidity of her form melted away. She seemed to almost collapse with relief. She swallowed and nodded, taking a step back so his arms fell from her shoulders. With a small smile that warmed every corner of his very soul, she tipped her head in the direction of Sirius and Peter, who were watching the scene with bemusement.
All he wanted to do was sweep her up in his arms and twirl her around until she was a giggling, dizzy mess, but he couldn't. Instead, he beamed at her and went back to the other two. He threw the Invisibility cloak around them and the three of them left through the portrait hole, making their way down to the dark grounds lit only by the huge, silvery full moon.
A/N: Ah, finally James gets something right lol! Sorry about the long wait in updating. I've been trying to balance two jobs lately, as well as spending time with friends and my boyfriend, as I didn't get to hang out with anyone very much over the last school year, and I've also had my hands full trying to take care of my mom because she's been devestated by a death in the family, and...well, you get the idea, I'm sure! But anyway, I just wanted to give you guys a heads up about the future of this story. No, this is not the last chapter, but I believe the last one will be chapter 30. For future reference, however, I'm planning on writing a sequel, because knowing the way I'm going to end this story, there will be tons of unanswered questions and there's no way I can't NOT write another story...but yeah. I just thought I'd let you lovely, lovely people know what I was planning. So yeah. Please, please, please review!