HELLOOOOOOOOOO, MINIONS!

I don't know how to do this... this whole "comeback" story was my baby in 2005/2006, and now I guess it's a bratty 8 year old child, and also a child I have, er, neglected for most of its life. Let's not carry on with that metaphor, because I would have to say "and now I'm coming back to it and pretending like nothing ever happened and it will all be okay," and that's horribly bleak.

BUT, being a story and not actually a child, this is an exciting day for me! The return of the shinobi of chaos! The return of a plot that I was only beginning to embark upon when I was spirited away to university and moving across the world and all sorts of junk!

Without further ado! Chapter! 27! PLOT POINTS PLOT POINTS PLOT POINTS GALORE!

PS. I love you all.

Disclaimer: I own even less than I did when I first wrote this, because my house burned down! (True story) Yet you still rub it in my face by making me say... every time... I do not own Naruto.

Chapter 27

The only limit is your imagination! Ne, Orochi-sama? Ne, Sakura-chan?

Two lithe ninja flitted through a forest, bouncing off tree trunks like hyperactive kittens. They were very unlike hyperactive kittens in all other respects, but when it came to the way they leapt through the forest- positively kittenish.

"I admit I am confused," one of them said, for a few moments gliding alongside his partner. "If they interest you so much, why do you not take them now?"

"They are advancing under the training of Konoha shinobi," said the other. "I see no reason to interrupt now... They are not yet ready for me."

"But Akatsuki..." The first ninja cut himself off. Sunlight glinted off his glasses as he glanced away, embarrassed to have spoken. "...No, never mind."

His partner spoke softly, with smouldering threat. "Do finish your sentences. What about Akatsuki? What has Akatsuki to do with the girls?" This one landed softly and his sandals kicked up a gentle puff of fallen leaves and needles. His long, black hair swirled around him and settled.

The other ninja sailed on past, speaking to the air beside him as he did not realize his partner had stopped. His partner watched him vanish into the trees, still talking. About thirty seconds later, he came leaping back, his face red beneath white-blonde hair.

"You could have told me you were stopping!" he complained.

"I could have," replied the other. "Or you could have paid attention."

"Ah, hai, you are correct as usual. I should have-"

"Next time. Now... whaaaaaaaaat..." breathed the dark-haired man, and though he was standing facing his companion, suddenly his face was beside his companion's right ear, and then swivelling round the back of his neck, and finally coming to rest on his left shoulder, facing the same direction... "about Akatsuki?" he finished.

Kabuto twitched. His glasses slipped down his nose, and he peered sideways to make eye contact with the other's face, which was blurry with proximity. Kabuto could feel the elongated neck resting on his right shoulder.

"I hate when you do this. It's unbearably creepy," he muttered.

"Akatsuki?"

"Well, I just said it all a minute ago, if you hadn't stopped unannounced you would have heard-"

"Akatsuki?"

"I was only saying," said Kabuto with a sigh, "that Akatsuki must know about them by now. It's been days since we saw the Uchiha and his pet shark leaving Konoha."

"And?"

"And if they were leaving without the nine-tails, clearly they must have altered their plans..."

"We do not concern ourselves with Akatsuki's plans, altered or otherwise," said Orochimaru. His "s"s hissed slightly, as they sometimes did when he was irritated.

"But we concern ourselves with the pursuit of knowledge," pressed Kabuto mildly. "I only fear the possibility of a disruption in Orochi-sama's own plans."

"You presume too much," said Orochimaru, and this time his "s" were quite sharp. "First, my plans cannot be disrupted so easily. Second, Akatsuki cares only about the Bijuu. And apparently the Uchihas," he added bitterly.

He started to mutter, withdrawing his head on his neck like a contracting slinky. "And possibly explosive bird-men... weird types, to be sure... all ridiculously overrated..." He remembered suddenly that he was not alone in his angsty reminisces, and he looked up sharply again through his emo eyeliner. "...But the point is, they are after the Jinchuuriki. Not other progenies of abundant chakra."

"Okay. But... just one more thing..."

"Don't annoy me, Kabuto."

"I do not mean to," said Kabuto meekly. "But the girl's aptitude... it clearly is genjutsu, no?"

"What kind of silly question is that?" asked Orochimaru scornfully. "Of course it is genjutsu."

"Of course, of course," Kabuto nodded vaguely. "Unless she actually turned the others' chakra into bubbles..."

Orochimaru snapped his sharp teeth in anger. "Are you daft?! Chakra can't actually be turned into bubbles."

"Hai, hai." Kabuto cringed.

"It was an illusion, a powerful one which affected even us, onlookers the girl wasn't aware of."

"Hai, hai."

"Sometimes, Kabuto, I wonder if I'm wasting my time on you."

"Hai, hai."

Having had enough of this conversation, Orochimaru streaked forward. Kabuto followed close behind, chastened.

(Camera swivels, retracts along the path from which Orochimaru and Kabuto came, zooms towards Konoha, past where Abigail and Kakashi are running back and forth in chibi mode yelling and screaming, over a wooden wall and through some trees. Then through some more trees. About 5 miles out of the village, in a clearing full of butterflies and bunny rabbits, Kisame and Itachi are eating lunch.)

"I like the idea of making Bosu wait," Kisame said, grinning through a mouthful of tuna sandwich, "but why exactly are we doing so? We aren't actually deterred by Konoha's laughable jounins, are we?"

Itachi fixed him with a severe, level gaze. He did not speak for several seconds. Finally he said, "All I heard was tuna tuna, bread bread, tuna. Finish chewing before you speak."

Kisame scowled, chewed and gulped. "You heard me," he insisted.

"All I heard was-"

"Itachi-sama," Kisame growled, "why have we not taken the nine tails? And how much longer must I wait before my blade tastes blood again?"

"If you are impatient for blood, go kill something out of my sight," Itachi said impatiently, "and stop whining. I would prefer Naruto-kun to come to us, rather than alert the village by taking him from under their noses."

"And with what do you intend to lure him?" A thought struck Kisame and he dropped the rest of his sandwich onto the ground. "Kuso!" he swore. "Not that irritating girl child!"

Itachi gave him a level gaze which could have meant anything, but to someone as familiar with Itachi as his partner, it clearly said "Do you have a problem with that?"

"I have a problem with that," Kisame said, picking up his sandwich from the ground daintily. "Is this a test of my patience? I could not stand a minute with that black haired flea without pulling her guts out. Even under your directives."

"You could and would," Itachi said, "don't be so dramatic."

Kisame glowered. "Are you interested in her power of genjutsu because that is your favourite? I admit it was admirable, especially for a mentally deficient specimen such as she, to elicit an illusion powerful enough that even onlookers she was not aware of-"

"That was not an illusion," Itachi said, "those were just bubbles."

Kisame displayed his fangs in disbelief. "What?"

"Their chakra was just bubbles."

"What?"

"Never mind that," said Itachi, "I do not mean to use her anyway. You are the sadist, Kisame, not I."

Kisame visibly relaxed, though he still looked thrown off by the idea that chakra had been turned into bubbles. "Good. Then who?"

"My little brother."

"And you don't think it will be just as obvious to Konoha that you are involved if the Uchiha runt goes missing as if the fox demon did?"

"Not necessarily... not if Sasuke were leaving for some other reason."

"What else could compel him to leave but the revenge he wants on you?"

"Not a lot," Itachi confessed, staring down into his jacket collar, "but I noticed something interesting when we had our scuffle..."

There were a few seconds of silence. Kisame looked into his superior's face, trying to discern what he was thinking of. And then it became clear. Kisame wailed.

"THE BLONDE IS EVEN MORE ANNOYING THAN THE OTHER!"

"Lure the blonde, Sasuke follows the blonde, Naruto-kun follows Sasuke... three birds, one stone, Kisame."

"And how do we lure the blonde?! Find some other whelp who is- impossibly- even stupider?!"

Itachi gave him a level gaze again. "No need. ...Cookie crumbs?"

Meanwhile, in a far-off dimension where the sun had only just risen, Bailey rose not long after the sun.

She padded to the kitchen, located the cookies her mother had generously baked for the guest when Bailey had announced (unhappily) that Helgolga would be staying the night, and crumbled half the batch into a bowl. She poured milk over them and dubbed it healthy breakfast cereal. Then she tromped into the living room to use the computer before anyone else awoke.

Alas, Sakura was already there. She looked up from the screen with puffy eyes.

"Aw man," Bailey moaned. "Why do you have to go and make yourself at home? Can't you just be shy and awkward and hide out of sight until you're sucked back into your realm?"

"Your mom baked for me," Sakura sniffled. "Maybe you're going to be mean to me forever, but at least I know there are some people from your world who aren't trouble-making, inhospitable cretins..."

"Oh no!" Bailey said suddenly, looking down at her bowl. For a second it seemed she was filled with remorse over stealing a large portion of the cookies that meant so much to Sakura, but then she said, "You just reminded me that she hid jalapeños in a bunch of them..."

"Wh-what? Why would she-" Bailey could see the illusion of hospitality crumbling around the other girl like the cookies themselves.

"For fun," Bailey explained. She took a hesitant bite of mushy cookie cereal anyway. She lucked out; no jalapeno. "Anyway, what were you saying? I believe you were saying, 'here Bailey, you can use your computer now'."

"Yes. Go ahead. It doesn't matter," said Sakura, suddenly getting up, and her eyes were shimmery with tears. Bailey was taken aback. Sakura was almost always crying anyway, but this time there was something different and actually sort of sincere about it. She felt, reluctantly, a surge of pity.

"Hey, it's okay, Helgo-er- Pinky- er... Sakura," Bailey sighed. "I got back to my world. And Abby is smarter than you think; she'll probably figure out how to do so in a controlled way, so eventually she'll come back here too, and send me back for funsies (because I miss it already) and send you home. No fear, Pinky." She spooned up a huge lump of cookie mash into her mouth. Mouth full, she continued, gaining momentum: "We don't want you here, either, so..."

"No," Sakura said, and a few tears spilled down her cheeks. "I might as well stay."

"God forbid!" Bailey choked through her cookie, spraying crumbs.

She goggled at Sakura, who was simply looking at the ground with tears dripping down her nose and turning into a little snot-cicle on the end of it. "Have you been watching... no, you couldn't have watched any Naruto, the internet is too slow here... why on earth would you say such a thing?" she pressed. "Booby trapped cookies, remember? Giant spiders!"

"Not watching," Sakura wept quietly, and when she didn't move, Bailey set her precious cereal bowl aside and leaned forward to click on a minimized window on the computer screen. Up came an internet browser, full of tabs. They were all online Naruto manga. "Reading," Sakura whispered.

"Oh no," Bailey whispered also. "So you found out that beneath Kakashi's mask there is nothing but weevils."

"SASUKE-KUN BETRAYS US!" Sakura screamed, and now Bailey screamed as well, and clamped her hands over her ears.

"GEEZ, THANKS, SPOILERS MCGEE!"

Sakura screamed even louder: "THIS IS STILL JUST A SHOW TO YOU!?" and Bailey opened her mouth to say "OF COURSE IT IS," when she caught herself. She realized it was not. The impulse to say "yes" was simply her innate desire to say whatever would aggravate Sakura the most.

But now she released her ears, looked at Sakura with wide eyes, and found that she was actually on the same boat.

"It is depressing that all you care about is Sasuke," said Bailey finally. "But I understand there may be other upsetting things to learn about your future, namely, anything, because learning about your future must be awful. I wouldn't want to do it if I were you. I mean, what would possibly compel you to?"

"You're not making things any better!" Sakura sobbed.

"Well, here, listen up and I will!" Bailey announced, and her eyes flamed with sudden, unexpected altruism. She was remembering Abigail's words about butterflies and ripple effects and altering destiny through outside interference. She didn't remember what butterflies had to do with it, but the mention of them was certainly uplifting and pleasant. "Butterflies," said Bailey.

Sakura did not look impressed.

"Butterfly effects?" Bailey tried again, wrinkling her forehead, trying to remember, and this time something very small did spark, hopefully, in Sakura's face.

"Ah! Yes!" Bailey continued. "See, in those manga you read, was there any appearance of Bailey or ol', ol' whatsherface?" She snapped her fingers thoughtfully.

"Um... your best friend? Abigail?"

"Right, yeah, Abby. Thanks. So, was there?"

"No..." Sakura said, wiping away tears.

"Exactly!" Bailey said. "So if that's different, all sorts of other things must be different!"

"I'm not entirely convinced by this," Sakura mumbled, but she had stopped crying. "You think you can change, can change... can change..." her chin wobbled.

"Destiny? Hell yes. Changing destiny is basically my third favourite past time." Bailey folded her arms. "Now... we have two options to do so as far as I can see it."

Sakura sat down at the computer desk's "passenger chair" and absentmindedly reached for Bailey's bowl of cookie paste, clutching it to her chest like it was a favourite teddy bear. Still feeling inflamed with niceness and destiny-changing mojo, Bailey waved a hand to say, go ahead, have it, and sat down at the "driver's chair".

"Option one," said Bailey. "Get back into your country, whatever it's called-"

"Hi no Kuni."

"Get back into Hinoki, and have our presence be such a disruptive force in the space-time continuum that your future is all changed, and also since Chicken-hair-kun is madly in love with me he will never betray us anyway."

"He is not-" started Sakura furiously.

"Shush. Eat some cereal. Do you want to hear my master plan or not?"

"Not," grumped Sakura, but she took a bite of mush anyway and promptly gagged. "HOT," she gasped.

"Nyahahahhaha!"

Sakura hurled the bowl back onto the computer desk. "Please tell me option B does not include you coming back to Konoha," she snapped.

"Well, indeed it does not necessarily," Bailey said slowly. "But it's a little more... meta..."

"What do you mean?"

"We could go make this official," Bailey said steadily, brow furrowed. She was impressed with this plan, herself, but even as she mulled it over it seemed unbelievably difficult. If only Abby were here to help her... or someone with brains, like Kakashi or Sasuke himself...

"What? What do you mean? Spit it out."

Bailey looked at her and spoke in a hushed voice. "We could go get this whole shebang rewritten. We would take it straight to your creator. Haruno Sakura," she said seriously, "you could meet your maker."

OooooooooOOOOOOOoooooooo !? Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh! ?

I'm sorry, no Abigail and Team 7 (sans Pinky) this chapter!