Chapter 26: Head Cases

The alarm going off the next morning reminded me of one of the reasons why I left the Order; the early mornings were miserable. Groaning, I pulled myself out of my small bunk underneath Satori and felt as much as heard her practically fall out of the bed above me. Salty and Reeko, who were insufferable early risers, were already up and dressed.

"Come on sleepyheads," Salty cheerfully greeted us, "Breakfast awaits."

"No talking until I've had a shot of caf," I growled.

"For once, I agree with him," Satori snarled. She stood in her modest underwear, violet eyes staring unfocused at some unknown point to the left of the door. "Revan, stop staring."

I blinked away and dragged myself to my feet. It isn't like I haven't seen that before, I could resist the barb.

Remind me of that again and I'll make sure never seen anything ever, came the predictable threat. I didn't feel like pushing it.

Fifteen minutes later, and about ten minutes later than Reeko would've preferred, we made our way to the cafeteria and grabbed our breakfast. I'll give the Jedi this much credit; they sure know how to feed us. Perhaps having members from all over the Galaxy encouraged variety but there was always something for everyone. We ate in silence, not much to say at this hour although it seemed everyone around us had something to talk about. There was that lovely buzz of conversation that every café has.

"Uh-oh," Salty broke the silence looking up past my shoulder.

"(Of course he's here)" Reeko grumbled, which surprised me. Reeko rarely spoke negatively on anyone.

Both Satori and I turned to see a handsome, blue Twilek about our age sauntering towards us. He looked familiar, although I couldn't quite place him. One of our fellow students, I guessed, but outside of my team, I didn't really know anyone. Satori knew him though, and irritation flashed through her like comet.

"Satori, good to see you up and about," he greeted in a rich, Coruscanti-accent. "When we heard you had disappeared on Nar Shaada, I feared the worst. I am glad to see you made it back okay."

"Not all of us did," Satori glared at him. Even I could read the "back-off" tone in her voice and body language.

Either the Twilek didn't or didn't care. He placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder, which sent another wave of annoyance through her and therefore me. I had to resist the urge to cut off his hand for the both of us.

"I am sorry about Atris," he offered his condolences. "She had the making of a special Jedi. She will be missed. Losing has been hard for all of us; I can only imagine what it has been like for you. If you ever need someone to talk to, you know I'm always here for you."

"Offer appreciated, Tammetu," Satori answered through gritted teeth. "But Revan and I have training to get to soon. Maybe some other time."

"Of course," Tammetu nodded understandingly. "Revan," he shot me a glare, "You're back." He then turned on his heel and walked back to his team.

"What's the deal with him?" I asked with raised eyebrows.

"Tammetu," Salty replied like that ought to answer all my questions.

Tammetu I vaguely remembered from my first stint. "He's one of Katarn's, right?" I recalled, getting a nod from Reeko, "From Coruscant and his parents run some sort of shipping company; pretty wealthy, too. Cocky son of a kath as I recall. He didn't like me too much."

"Revan, no one liked you," Satori pointed out.

"Thanks for reminding me," I grouched. "Anyway, he pretty much ignored us. What's he want now?"

"(Satori)," Reeko supplied. I gave her a quizzical glance and suddenly the Force Bond filled me in.

"Ah, I see," I gave her a wicked smile. "And you're not exactly receptive to his advances? But why not? He's cocky, just your type."

"Do you want me to cut off your head?" she snapped.

"You know that'll probably kill you too," I bantered back.

"Keep this up and you'll make it worth it," she warned.

"Anyway," Salty cut in, attempting to play peacemaker. I had to admire her courage for that. "Tammetu likes Satori. A lot. You're coming back complicates things."

"Why?" I furrowed my eyebrows. "I'm no threat. Satori and I can barely stand being in the same room with each other. If he wants her, she's all his."

"That's not your decision to make!" Satori snapped.

"(You did have sex)" Reeko pointed out.

"But Tammetu doesn't know that," I replied before a horrifying thought struck me. "Does he?"

"Not from us," Salty quickly responded. "Or from Jaden and Rosh."

"(But if he ever finds out Revan, he will not be pleased)" Reeko observed.

"So?" I shrugged. "He already doesn't like me."

"(Which makes this all the more delicate)" Reeko rebutted.

"Then let's make sure he doesn't find out," Satori glared at everyone. "In fact, make sure no one finds out. Too many people know about that indiscretion as it is. Blab and I will do unspeakable things to you."

"She's not kidding," I added, determined to keep my mouth shut.

My return I could tell was not particularly popular among the students. Given Tammetu's popularity among the students, me "stealing" his girl would definitely not help matters. At all.

"Everything alright?" Jaden spoke softly as she came up to our table.

"Peachy," Satori grumbled, earning a raised eyebrow from our female master.

"Reeko and Salty, you're coming with us this morning," Jaden instructed, "Satori and Revan, you're to meet Master Horn and Master Cilghal in the meditation garden for your training."

"(Ah, they get special training?)" Reeko complained. "(No fair! I want a Force Bond too!)"

"No, you don't," Satori and I spoke at once.

"This is more of a punishment than a promotion," Jaden pointed out. "Besides, you don't want any of Corran Horn's 'special' training." That made both Satori and I feel great about the prospect of taking lessons from the ex-fighter pilot who was military to the core.

"Speaking of which," she gave us a wicked grin, "You guys are late."

Ignoring the rest of our food, Satori and I leapt from our seats and sprinted out of the cafeteria. We didn't slow until we nearly slammed full force into Master Horn, who wore his customary disappointed look.

"You're late," he said.

"But—" I started to protest.

"No excuses," he cut off sharply. "Ten laps around the garden at a full sprint. Go."

Satori and I stared at each other, panting. Was he serious?

"I said GO!" he snapped in a voice no one was disobeying. The Zabrak and I bolted.

I'm fast and have some pretty good endurance but maintaining a full sprint for that long was ridiculous, especially after having run all the way from the cafeteria. After lap three, I began to flag. Knowing Horn was watching me, I tapped into the Force and used it as an extra shot of energy to push on. By lap ten, I was running on pure Force.

"Done," I panted, bent in half and feeling like I was going to puke.

"Where is the Zabrak?" Horn demanded.

Checking the bond, I found her stumbling along around lap eight. "She's coming," I informed.

"You left her behind?" he demanded. "You left your bond partner behind? Both of you, another ten laps and don't let me catch you slacking. Both finish together."

Satori's thoughts were murderous as I ran to find her. How were we going to maintain the strength for another ten laps at a full sprint? Was he insane?

Then it struck us. This was part of our training and so, just as we lent each other emotional strength before the council, so we will lend each other physical strength now. Both tapping into the Force as much as we dared, we flooded the bond with strength.

Instantly we felt our tired limbs rejuvenate. Both of us were extremely powerful in the Force, even by Jedi standards, but our combined strength was beyond anything either of us had experienced before. We felt more alive than ever before, like we could do anything; we felt omnipotent. Holding our heads high, we breezed through those ten laps without breaking much of a sweat.

Of course when we stopped and released the Force, all that strength vanished and we nearly collapsed.

"Well done," Horn acknowledged, his face relaxing ever so slightly. "You're starting to see the benefits of a Force bond."

"Here, drink," Cilghal handed us each a large canteen of water. I got the feeling Horn was planning on running us to death regardless of our punctuality.

"I hope you learned something about your bond from this," Cilghal went on. "There is tremendous power from your bond. Both of you have tremendous power, even by Jedi standards and with your beings so linked, that power is pooled, doubled. You can draw from each other's strength, as you did while you were running, giving each other strength on an emotional, spiritual, and physical level."

"But as you are feeling now, there is a down side as well," Horn picked up for the Mon Calamari. "You feel what the other feels, both positive and negative. If you feel the same thing, such as fatigue, that feeling is doubled. That can be crippling in battle but there is a greater danger. Negative emotions such as fear, anger, and hate are all doubled. You can literally drag each other to the Dark Side."

We nodded while guzzling down our water. We'd noticed that particular hang up already, having our grief played on a feedback loop for the last week.

"Given the strength of your bond, this is unavoidable," Cilghal explained further. "But it is something you must both be aware of. You have to be extra careful of your feelings, extra aware of them."

"That's the other danger you may have been noticing, the biggest reason we discourage students, especially teens from forming bonds," Horn stated. "The Bond mixes your personalities, characters, emotions, thoughts, and desires. Even for adults whose personalities and identities are already formed, Bonds can be dangerous as it is easy for one to lose their identity in the other, become nothing but a puppet, particularly if the personality strength is unbalanced. Among young people who are still forming their identities, Bonds are exponentially more dangerous."

"While you are fairly evenly matched in personality strength," Cilghal assured, "That is still the biggest danger facing you right now. You may have already noticed difficulty in discerning which thoughts and emotions are yours and which are the others?"

We both nodded.

"Before you can truly take advantage of the power your Bond offers, you must first make sure the Bond doesn't destroy you and to do that, you have to learn to discern what is you and what is not," the Mon Calamari informed us. "To do that, you have to first know yourself and also know the other inside and out. You'll never be able to truly block out each other's thoughts and emotions of course, but in recognizing which are yours and which are your partner's and filter them out, to a degree."

"Does this mean I can keep him from reading my mind?" Satori asked a moment before I could.

"No," Horn shook his head with the hint of a grin, "That particular airlock, I'm afraid, can't be resealed. But you can at least keep the other from overriding your personality."

"I suppose that's something," I muttered.

"So how do we get to know ourselves and each other" Satori questioned.

"Don't say—"

"Meditation," Corran Horn finished the unwelcome thought.

"Why is meditation the answer for everything?" I complained.

"Because it works?" Horn gave me a quizzical look. "Now this isn't just standard meditation. You must meditate together, identifying whose thoughts and emotions are whose. You won't figure it out in an afternoon or a week or even a year. This will take time."

"We don't have the much time," I pointed out.

"No, of course not," Horn agreed. "For now, we simply want to see you making progress on that path, learning to recognize the other's thoughts and emotions, before we begin training you on how to use your Bond. Begin."

With a heavy sigh, we sat cross-legged on the grass facing each other. Not entirely sure why we felt the need to face each other like that; we could've just as easily have been on separate planets and found each other in the Force. Nevertheless, we did and slowly slipped into our meditation state.

Neither of us had meditated since Nar Shaada. The currents of the Force on Ossus were cleaner, purer than on Nar Shaada and feeling its presence so strongly here was soothing, not painful.

Finding Satori was both easy and hard. Her presence was right there, I could feel it all around. But every time I tried to focus in on it, I found myself looking in a mirror. I was beginning to understand what Masters Horn and Cilghal were warning us about. Our Force essences were mixed together and couldn't be separated; where one was, so was the other.

I felt fear beginning to build. I was losing myself, becoming something else entirely and I didn't like it. What if I lost control? What if Satori lost control? Who would we, I become? What would we become?

"Remember, know yourself first and then you can begin to discern the threads of who is you and who is her," I heard Master Horn advise from lightyears away. Good advice; the only problem was, I had no idea how to do that.

Any clue what that means? Satori asked.

Not really, no, I answered.

For a long while we sat there, trying to decide what to do. Our emotions and thoughts swirled about us as the Force poked and prodded. Inevitably we ended up reliving Atris's final moments, sending fresh waves of pain and guilt washing through the Force.

Emotions.

I wasn't sure which one of us had the idea and at the moment, I didn't much care. But maybe if together we talked out our emotions, our thoughts, we get a better bearing of where we individually stood.

Wordlessly we both began searching for an emotion to explore. Guilt was the obvious choice; we were both drowning in it.

Maybe we should talk about it? Satori suggested.

I definitely knew that wasn't my idea. I wasn't exactly one for talking about my feelings. I've got no problem expressing my emotions but talking about them? Not really my thing. Still, might as well give it a shot.

So what do we talk about? I questioned.

Why do you feel guilty about Atris? Satori asked. Or maybe I did.

Because I couldn't lead them, one of us said, neither of us sure which one thought. This was off to a great start.

Why couldn't we lead them, we asked.

I left the team, I abandoned you. That one was definitely me. I mean, I was the one who left.

So we got one thought examined, Satori spoke. It wasn't really your fault, you know.

Yeah, yeah, we've been down this road before, I mentally nodded, Life 77 and all. Easier said than done. And you?

I feel guilty about pushing you away, Satori admitted. I know you weren't a traitor but after Coruscant, I just can't trust people when there is a hint of treachery. I thought I could lead them as well as you did but all I did was lead them into a trap.

You did your best, I assured her. We were getting a better feel for what each other's thoughts felt like.

It wasn't good enough and Atris is dead because of it, Satori stated. Look, I know Bastilla is to be blamed and it was her act that truly got Atris killed.

But there's more than just that, I pushed. It was time to get another emotion: shame. Why do you feel ashamed?

What are you talking about? Satori snapped. I'm not ashamed!

Yes you are, I pressed. I can feel the shame and accompanying guilt.

How do you know it isn't yours? Satori demanded.

Why would I be ashamed? I questioned back. I'm never ashamed, especially that.

Maybe you're ashamed for dishonoring a comrade and friend? Satori suggested.

Since when are we friends?

You know what I mean!

Not really, no, I shrugged. Look, it was your idea. Besides, there's nothing wrong with what we did. Other than Tammetu, no one really cares.

Maybe you're ashamed that you didn't stay strong in saying no?

I certainly don't regret that we did it, I responded. You were pretty good, for a first-timer.

What's that supposed to mean? Satori exploded.

Never mind, I brushed off. The point is that one of us is feeling regret and shame for it and it isn't me. So why are you? I thought I had an answer to that but we needed to talk it out.

I'm not!

It's okay to admit it, I told her. If you don't, we'll both keep feeling this. I know I don't like this. So what is going on?

It was supposed to be her, Satori finally exclaimed. Not me, her.

Huh?

Atris liked you. A lot, Satori explained. Maybe she even loved you. She always liked you, from the time you first met. I don't think she ever forgave me for driving you away. And then, on the very same night she's killed, I take you to bed. It wasn't bad enough that I kept you two apart, I stole you from her before her body was even cold.

You didn't "steal" me, I responded. I made my own choices. I walked away of my own choice. If I had stayed, would Atris and me have gotten together? Maybe. I don't know and neither do you.

But she liked you. You're supposed to be off-limits, Satori protested.

What about what I want, huh? I retorted. I chose who I'm with, not you, not her. Was I attracted to Atris? Sure. But I didn't like her, not like that. If I had stayed, maybe in time I would've or maybe I would've fallen for you or someone else or nobody. It doesn't matter now; that future is gone.

I'm the one who ruined that future and stole what should've been Atris's happy ending for my own.

I was finally beginning to understand Satori's shame. She wasn't embarrassed that Jaden and Rosh walked in on us or that we had slept together; it was that she felt responsible for keeping us apart and now felt like she was dishonoring her comrade's memory by stealing her man.

She forgave you, you know, I told her after a pause.

How do you know? Satori acidly demanded.

She told me, I was surprised. Satori should've known this. Before we found her, she connected to me in the Force to tell me where she was. She told me to tell you it wasn't your fault. I thought you knew that.

I guess I did, Satori admitted. I just didn't want to believe it.

Why?

Because I want to feel this way, Satori answered. I need to feel this way.

Again, why? I was genuinely confused. At least we were getting whose thoughts and feelings were whose sorted out. Mostly.

Because if I don't, if I'm so casual like you, then her death didn't mean anything, Satori explained. I have to feel this way to know I cared.

No, you don't, I told her. Feeling miserable doesn't mean you care; that's just being selfish. We can honor Atris by keeping her memory, cherishing it; letting the guilt and pain Remember Life Lesson 83.

"Don't let the past weigh you down," Satori quoted with a sigh. I know. But I just can't let it go. I don't want to let it go. I want to want to let it go but I'm just not there yet.

Yeah, I know, I nodded. We'll have to work on that.

I don't need you being my shrink, Satori snarled.

I need to be your, our shrink, I retorted. I feel your pain, your guilt even if I know it's yours, I still have to bear it. If we're going to beat them, we need to be free of the past. Let it drive us, sure, but we can't let it drag us down.

I know, I will, I could feel a sense of determination flowing through us. I lent her some of my strength. I wasn't sure how we were going to get through this but we'd figure it out.

The guilt and shame began to bleed off. Slowly it was replaced by anger and determination to end Bastilla and the rest of the Sith. Okay, that wasn't great; from what I've been told anger and revenge are paths to the Dark Side but given that I'm supposed to be immune or something like that, so I wasn't too concerned. One problem at a time.

More importantly, we were getting a much better handle on whose thoughts were whose. That was huge. I was also exhausted.

I think we've done enough for now, I suggested.

Agreed, Satori was tired too, which didn't help matters.

Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes and found myself back in the Garden, Satori blinking across from me. Something wasn't right.

"IT'S NIGHT?" I exclaimed.

Horn yawned dramatically, leaning against a tree next to me. "Yeah, you guys took a while," he acknowledged. "I was worried we might miss supper."

"How did it go?" Cilghal inquired.

"Good, I think," I replied.

"Can you differentiate your thoughts now?" the Mon Calamari pressed.

"Better," Satori answered shortly.

"We'll meet again in three days or so," Horn dismissed us. "We can't let you slack on your other training. Don't miss supper."

"I think I'll pass tonight," Satori quietly said. "I'm going to the room."

"I think I'll stay here for a bit," I added.

"Suit yourself," Horn shrugged as he and Cilghal headed out.

"Good night," Satori told me and she stalked off, leaving me alone. Finding my familiar tree, I hoped up into its branches and nestled in for some good hard, thinking.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

"Well, well, the Prodigal Knight has returned," a familiar voice cut into ruminations.

"Jaina!" I exclaimed, hoping down, for the first time in forever being glad to see someone.

"Good to see you, Revan," Jaina gave me a big hug. She was wearing the standard Jedi robes instead of a flight suit. "I'm kinda insulted you didn't say hi earlier."

"Sorry," I winced. "It's been a pretty trying few days."

"Yeah, I heard," she put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "You want to talk about it?"

"It's seems like I've done nothing but talk about it," I shook my head. "Frankly, I'd like to talk about anything else."

"So how about you and Satori?" she gave me a wicked grin.

"What? No!" I felt my face flush. "Wait, how'd you hear about that?"

"You do know who my aunt and uncle are, right?" she arched an eyebrow. "So let me get this straight: you slept with her and then dump her? Revan, I'm disappointed."

"You must not know my reputation," I responded dryly.

"Oh I've heard Jaden complain about walking in on you plenty," Jaina laughed. "But a teammate? Come on, Revan, you're smarter than that."

"Look, it was a stressful night," I defended myself. "Besides, it was her idea."

"Yeah, I know it was," Jaina nodded soberly. "Are you doing okay?"

"Okay?" I snorted. "I am so far from okay I might as well be in another galaxy from 'okay.'"

"If it makes you feel better, I know how you feel," Jaina comforted, "and then some."

"So much has happened," I said, sliding down against the tree trunk. "The Sith and Jedi dragging back into this stupid conflict, Atris dying, my bond with Satori, and my mom being a complete psycho. I don't know how to handle it all. How did you deal with it after, you know, Anakin died?"

Jaina sat down next to me, her eyes staring off into the night, a pained expression on her face. "Not well, to be honest," she admitted. "I kinda went off the deep end for a bit. I walked on the edge of the Dark Side for a while and did some things…well, I hurt a lot of people close to me."

"You? The Dark Side?" I was surprised.

"Few of us ever live clean lives," Jaina told me. "The Dark Side calls to us in our moments of weakness, in our moments of pain, offering us a balm."

"Why doesn't it call to me?"

"Perhaps it does in ways you aren't aware," Jaina warned. "The Dark Side is much more subtle than you realize until you face it."

I shuddered involuntarily. "Jaina, when we faced Bastilla, my mom," I said softly, "I saw something…something I've never seen before. Look, I've dealt with some really bad people, the scum of the galaxy, really. I've dealt with murders, rapists, thieves, gangsters, even the occasional sadist or two. But I've never seen anything like what I saw with her. She was…was completely unhinged. Like her mind was shattered into a thousand pieces. I've seen crazy before but her insanity was like nothing I've ever seen. It was pure, chaotic evil."

"It scared you?" Jaina questioned.

"Terrified me," I nodded. "I know they say fear leads to the Dark Side but that…you'd have to be a fool not to be frightened. Is that what the Dark Side does to you?"

"Sooner or later, yeah," Jaina agreed. "Some succumb to the insanity sooner than others but the Dark Side destroys, sooner or later."

"Glad I'm immune to it," I heaved a sigh.

"Immune? Is that what they told you?" the older Jedi cocked an eyebrow. "No one is truly immune."

"You know, that's really not helping," I snorted and then sighed again. "What am I going to do Jaina? How do I fight this? I'm in so far over my head I can't see the surface. I can't fight them and I can't escape them?"

"Being a Jedi has its perks," Jaina told me with a reassuring grin.

"It does? It's been nothing but a headache for me," I grumbled.

"That's because you're still a street rat from Nar Shaada in your mind," Jaina bluntly answered. "You're still are thinking on your own, not as a team."

"What do you mean?" I still wasn't following.

"You're not alone in this," Jaina spelled out. "The Jedi stand with you. You've got me, you've got your team, and you've got the rest of us. Lean on us, use us. The mistake I made was to think I had to deal with my pain and grief on my own and it nearly cost me my soul. Don't try to do this alone.

"Mhm," she stretched getting up, "time for bed, for both of us. My guess is your masters will have some hard training for you tomorrow so get some sleep. I might even give you some 'special' training if I have the time."

"Yeah, you're right," I stood up too. "Thanks, Jaina."

"No problem," she wrapped me in a hug. "Remember, you're not alone."

AN: Sorry for the touchy-feel, Satori-Revan drama chapter. Satori and Revan have a lot of work to do figuring out their bond, but they've dealt with enough drama for awhile. Back to the fun action.