[Idiot here uploaded the wrong chapter last night for number 26, so if you read it then and are getting confused, this is the real one, and that was 27! Never upload when tired :P ]
Chapter 26.
It was only much later, after Frasier had finally ordered everyone out to let them rest some more, that Eleanor finally had a chance to talk with her symbiote again.
Delek, my Delek…you found me.They were standing in the quad, on a frosty autumn day; Delek's projection, not hers this time. The sky above was blue and limitless, and chimes sounded in the distance.
Of course I found you. Vastly self-assured. Smug, even. She remembered that voice! She could weep for the memory of it! The young man in front of her smiled, a small, secretive smile like a shared confidence.
I remember… she began, trying to organise her thoughts, but everything crumbled. I lost, didn't I?
As you always knew you would. No human host has ever overcome a mature goa'uld, Delek said, But you have escaped one.
And lived to tell the tale, she whispered, dryly.
And lived to tell the tale, Delek agreed.
There's something I want to know, Eleanor asked, after a time. Why do you still appear to me as Kyen? Another smile.
Because you were never given the chance to choose me. Not properly; not free of the constraints of need and morality. But now you can. Eleanor, once you are recovered completely, I will be fully capable of leaving you without doing either of us any harm.
You still want to go then. I know…you haven't fully re-blended with me. I have bits and pieces that I recall, but it's clear that you gave me back my own memories; not your own.
You believe I wish to leave. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am projecting this image because I am not presuming that I may stay. I would not wish to leave you for anything. He looked a little more sober then. Except, that is, by your own request. She was astonished.
After what you did for me? How could I not let you?
Are you sure? He urged her. Don't be too hasty. You've done more than enough for us, and for me, and you've suffered more than anyone should. You can leave with a clear conscience, and go back to the life you desire for yourself. Eleanor hesitated. You can even, added Delek, Blame it all on me. Tell them I'm completely unbearable and it's all my fault because I won't accept a Tau'ri host.
You are unbearable. Well, some of the time.
A wry smile.
You can probably even keep Malek and Darin. Eleanor smiled back.
Oh, I'm not so sure about that. I can remember that conversation in the infirmary – well, half-remember it anyway. And – she hesitated, then finally admitted the truth. I don't want to be without you. I don't think I could cope with it. Now that she confessed that much, the rest all started coming out in a rush, as all the emotion surged back. Everything I went through…everything Atropos put me through. It's too much to deal with by myself. I need help. I need your help. Nobody else will ever understand it as deeply as you do.
I will always help you, he reassured her, But you will not alwaysneed my help. You underestimate yourself, as usual. Eleanor shook her head.
Perhaps, but it's not just that. It's just – she struggled to explain it, and he waited patiently for her to gather her thoughts. I told my mother it was like fairytale, she said at last, When I got back. Like something that wasn't real and couldn't be integrated back into the reality I had always known, and would always exist entirely separate from it. Well, I was right, but I got it the wrong way round. It's me who can't go back, me who can't return to that reality, because it's that reality that feels like a fairytale now, and this one that is all too real to me. I've changed too much. I can never go home. My home now is with you, and the Tok'ra.
He took her hands again, his expression sombre once more.
Eleanor, think very carefully. It is important you understand fully what you are committing to. Consider what the future holds for you if you stay with me. His voice was so intent, so serious in her mind, that she did stop then. Stop and really think. A glimmer of what he was driving at began to sink in to her. She looked around, really looked; at this part-recollection, part-construction of her old college grounds.
This place…why this place? She looked sharply at him, then, and said, almost wonderingly, You're afraid too.
Of course I'm afraid. This university you're so fond of is younger than I am and it is considered ancient on your world. To you, it epitomises both the neverending pursuit of knowledge, but also a balanced paradox: continuity, and change. This quad has stood like this for centuries, but the humans who passed through it were once only privileged white males with quill pens in their hands. Now they clasp computers and are from every part of your society, but they still have the same aims.
This is what the Tok'ra must do. We have been essentially the same for over two thousand years but now we will change. We will change in ways we cannot even imagine. And I am afraid. The magnitude of what he was talking about, the ramifications, slowly started to become apparent to her.
I never thought of what would happen afterwards. I never considered what might yet be. And now…I think you are wise, to be afraid. His gaze was as ageless as ever.
Yes. I is why I want you with me. You have lived with change your entire life. Your whole society has; your world. You embrace it. I need your help. She took a deep breath, aware that this was probably the only time he was ever going to admit it.
I am afraid too. Not just of the past, but of the future. When I imagined what would happen…I never got any further than this. Not so as I actually believed it. They never tell you sacrifice sometimes means living your life for someone else, instead of giving it.
No, they don't. She smiled ruefully.
We are going to have some terrific fights you know.
I look forward to it. Not to mention teaching you the value of stability and prudence, amongst the many other things you most sorely lack. So, will you have me, my infuriating, stubborn, chaotic, wilful, foolhardy Tau'ri?
When you put it like that…how can I say no? His smile turned to one of wicked delight.
Then when you told Malek you should ask for the most arrogant, unruly, argumentative bastard of a symbiote the Tok'ra have, you really meant it then? Eleanor grinned back.
Apparently so. His features morphed and changed into the person she saw in the mirror, and suddenly, she was being hugged by her own self, and it really wasn't too bad.
Then her mind opened, and Delek's opened to her, and, not for the first time, she felt how alien she was, how very human she herself was. Then all that memory and knowledge opened up before her like an endless forest. She absorbed it all, a world-encircling sea of trees; every leaf a memory, every branch a fact; sweet saplings of remembrance, gnarled trunks of knowledge, and all her thoughts, her very being, made only a meadow of wildflowers in some secret glade. How different; how familiar.
I have learnt from my hosts. And, suddenly, she understood what Delek really meant, and what she intended.
/
Malek slowly came round to an insisting tugging at his arm, and blinked blearily at Dr Frasier, discovering that he'd fallen asleep slumped on Eleanor's bed again and had cricked his neck abominably.
That poor woman must be sick of the sight of us, Darin remarked.
"She's waking up again," Frasier told him, and suddenly they were both very alert.
"Maldaruhh?" said Eleanor, muzzily.
"I am not familiar with that System Lord," Malek replied, drolly, then suddenly found himself choked with emotion.
"Eleanor?" Darin asked, surprised to find himself the self-possessed one for a change.
"Darin," she breathed, rubbing her eyes and trying to sit up. They hastened to help her. "Are you all right?" she asked, suddenly concerned at the tears streaming down his face, and he almost had to laugh.
"Are we all right?" He pressed her hand to his lips, nodding slowly. "We will be all right now, if you are." She smiled; it was weak, but warm.
"I'm fine. A little tired." She looked sheepishly at him. "I must admit…I kind of wasn't expecting to be here. It's a bit…it's all a bit much to take in. Delek saved me, you know."
"I know. She's going to be unbearable." Eleanor laughed then, presumably in response to some heated internal comment. Malek finally pulled himself together enough to speak.
"Eleanor," he asked, as gently as he could, "What happened?" She looked him steadily in the eyes.
"A nightmare," she said at last.
"And?"
"And then I woke up."
"That's it?"
"That is more than enough. Believe me. Sometimes the greatest hope we have is what is ordinarily our greatest fear: that everything must come to an end. But no. That's far from it. That's the message I choose to take. For now. I'm afraid, I've only just started to deal with all this. Anything more, will simply take time." He leaned over and hugged her close.
"We understand, and we will always be here, for when you are ready."
"I know." He drew back again, and deliberately tried to lighten the tone.
"How is Delek finding being a queen?" Eleanor laughed, but he could tell she was getting tired again already.
"Oh, I expect the complaints to start soon enough, but she's in too good a mood at the moment." He quirked an eyebrow.
"I take it you two have decided you're made for each other after all."
"Uh-huh," stifling a yawn.
"Go back to sleep," he said, softly, although they both wanted nothing more than to talk and be with her a little longer.
"Hmm, think I will….you should go get some sleep too. You look awful."
"Thanks," dryly. Her eyelids started to flutter closed again. "I can hear her happiness in her head," she murmured, drowsily. "It's like listening to my soul singing to itself." Then she did fall asleep again, a smile upon her face.