Someone pounded the door hours later; I got off the floor and dried my face as best as I could, I didn't bring my phone with me for the obvious reasons that they would trace me and come and help. This was the worst I had been in over a year now, personal vengeance is seemingly a negative trigger like they said – just didn't realise how draining it was. I looked through the peep hole in the door and stood back, it was a member of the team from this morning.

"Sergeant, what can I do for you?" I asked hoarsely.

He handed me an ID badge and a small envelope that I took and looked back at him, he nodded and passed me another small package that was labelled.

"You're not the only one who has problems afterwards – that will help. 0500 hours on Thursday." He replied and then walked away.

I looked at the packages and found a bottle with my meds in it and a black patch with white skull and bones etched on the centre. A death head for the first kill, handed within teams to those who make the shot count. I closed the door and sank onto the couch and pulled the blanket over me; I popped the pills and drank the soda I had and closed my eyes.

Steve had seen the effects of what a tactical operation can do to people with PTS, and he sure as hell knew what I was like when my brain was wired up – he made a call to HQ and told them to he was going to be away for the next couple of days due to personal business on the island. His second call he made was to Joe, he paced about the place as he waiting on him picking up; the doorbell went and as he opened the door – Joe was standing there.

"Need my help son?" he said as he walked into the house.

"You hear about the operation?" he demanded.

Joe turned around and leaned against the cabinet, he nodded and watched as Steve paced about the place again.

"Could you not have called me and saved her going through the emotional crap again? Could you not have called me Joe!" he yelled furious.

"She is a tactical operator – she knew what was going down in the mission and she chose to do what she did. If she is an emotional wreck, then its only her actions that have caused it. She made the decision to join the training programme – no one else!" he replied calmly.

"Joe she has Post Traumatic – you are aware of what those bastards did to her, what they forced her to do! She held onto everything she is for as long as possible, and then she crashed. We picked her up again, helped her sort things out, start a new life – the possibility of a family!"

Joe watched Steve pace the room, he didn't like what he saw and frowned as he watched his adopted son stress out over a woman.

"I'm now wondering if she has been a really bad influence on you son? You were always the calm one, the rational headed leader – what's caused you to become so attached? I thought she was just a friend with benefit….." Joe started.

Steve slammed him against the doorframe; Joe stood still knowing he would not be injured. He watched Steve's body language change and get back into control as he realised that Joe had been purposely edging him to the issue.

"It's pretty obvious that you two are serious, I am surprised marriage hasn't happened yet. She is a wonderful woman Steve and I like her – reminds me of my old trainer at Coronado many years ago – he was a tough SOB. The main issue you both have is that your trained to the teeth and don't know how to deal with what's happened in your past. She runs due to her triggers, knowing that if she snaps and has a relapse she could seriously hurt someone she loves – that is probably her greatest fear. You on the other hand, you haven't dealt with your father's death. You were on the phone with Hess when he executed your father – that is instinctual rage you have bottled up and it is making its way to the surface. You both need justice and revenge – that is the only way you are going to be able to move on and deal with the minor issues!"

Steve sat on the couch and cracked his knuckles in frustration; he knew Joe was right and it irritated the living hell out of him. Joe came to stand beside him and held out his hand.

"Come on, grab some clothes and I'll take you to her, she is being monitored by the team from this morning – she is alright, but they doped her and she is sleeping. You two need some downtime until Thursday, and then I will give you the answers that we have alright?" Joe replied.

Steve nodded and grabbing some clothes, headed out the house with Joe and climbed into his SUV.

Twenty minutes later they arrived outside the bungalow and were met by a member of the team from this morning. The CO gave them a quick update of what had happened and where I was in the house. Steve had been sure I had a really bad relapse and they had doped me to be transported to a psych evaluation, but they shook their heads and pulled him to the side.

"Commander, I have worked with her before and I am well aware of what has happened in her past. She hasn't had a relapse, she is in shock from what she realised she was capable of in the heat of the moment. She went from medic to operative in a split second; we all feel like this after an operation – unfortunately she got a personal dose of retribution today and her brain needs to work it out. She will be fine, but she needs to remember every detail and come to terms with her training and what she is capable of in the moment."

Steve nodded and shook his hand; they informed them both that the team would be close by until Thursday and they went to the morgue to see the results of my training. Steve headed up the stairs and went inside the house; he headed to the bedroom and found me lying on top of the sheets with a blanket over me. He climbed on the bed behind me and pulled me to him as he brushed my hair out my face, I was out cold from the tranquilizers I was dosed with and didn't feel a thing as he held me through the night.

I woke up from my nightmare in a cold sweat. I looked at the man beside me and smiled; he was fast asleep and hadn't felt me snap awake. I remembered everything, every sound, smell and action we took yesterday morning and my subconscious must have processed it all last night as I was sleeping. I took a few deep breaths and said a quick prayer for him as I let him go from my internal demons. He couldn't hurt me anymore, he gave me what I needed to trace the others – he died quickly.

I sat up on the bed and felt Steve wake up, I turned to him and smiled as he looked at me wide eyed and scared in case I bolted again. I took his hand and snuggled back down with him and kissed him.

"Now I understand the need for the tactical psych evaluation after missions, the emotional crap really does hit you between the eyeballs," I whispered.

"Yeah, it doesn't get easier the more you are activated, but you start to learn coping techniques with you team. Personally I train and then go talk with the shrink – what do you feel like doing?" he replied.

"Talking to the team, thanking them all for everything and then shrink and going to mass. I took a life yesterday in a frame of mind that scared the shit out of me – I forgot how quick I am trained to respond. That's what freaked me out – what caused the outburst. Now I know what it is like, I can handle the feeling and deal with them more calmly and within a secure environment. Was it bad for your first operation?" I replied cuddling up.

He pulled me closer and took a deep breath, I could feel the stress go out of his body little by little, I smiled and took his hands in mine and put them over my heart. He grinned and laid his chin on my shoulder.

"Yeah mine was bad, no blame on you for this Sadie. Let's get some more sleep and then we can speak to the team and get food – I have a feeling we will have a long debrief tomorrow on base?" he replied.

I nodded and closed my eyes.