Sorry I haven't been updating, I am only human. A lazy, procrastinating human.
One day… I woke up.
But I did not wake up to the friendly sight of my bedroom ceiling. Or the photos of Max's ass taped to it.
I woke up to a terrible, ungodly, satanic, grotesque sight - people wrapped in bubblewrap and other household objects, standing in two lines, facing each other. We were in some kind of old building with stone pillars in the centre of the room, a statue to my left depicting some grotesque, misshapen creature and creepy pictures drawn on the walls in what looked like blood. The whole room was lit by flaming torches and bones littered the floor.
They were chanting and doing twitchy, spasmic movements that looked like they were trying to dance.
"Rom-ah ro-mama-a, Ga-ga oh la-la-a…" I then noticed that I was tied to a stone slab sacrificial-maiden style, completely naked except for the household objects and bubblewrap that I was "wearing." Once they realised I was awake, the chanting changed…
"I want yellow van, I want your revenge! You and me can ride a barrel, man!~"*
"THAT'S NOT THE LYRICS!" Someone pulled a shotgun out of their bubblewrap and fired it at the poor, incorrect soul. Their insides didn't exactly help the décor of the room.
They continued singing some weird, grotesque "song" until about 5 mins in, a door at the other side of the room opened, and a hideous blonde monster that I recognised from the statue walked in. It wasn't wearing much.
It walked into the centre of the room, and they all started singing and dancing to some song about poking people's faces. A whole bunch of stage lighting that I had not noticed before turned on, blinding me. I started to panic, surely Max would come in and save me, she loved me with such a lovely love that not even THE MAGNIFICENT DYLAN could put into words.
The blonde, half-naked entity walked – no, strutted up to me, I struggled feebly, now afraid. The blonde entity stood next to me and raised a knife, smiling, showing fanged teeth. Then it threw up on me. The puke was sparkly and had diamonds embedded into it.
Eww…
Then it stabbed my awesome self in my awesome stomach, it ripped out a few of my organs and danced around the room holding the end of my small intestines. I died.
Shame.
*That's actually what I thought the chorus for "Bad Romance" was when I first heard it. Listen to it! It really does sound like that!