Chapter 26
Lavi looks at me skeptically. Suddenly I feel nervous, maybe I don't want to tell them something. My hands rub together nervously. Lavi walks over to me, noticing the change in my behavior. He reaches for my clenched hands but I straighten myself out before he needs to.
"Let's get out of here first, it's nothing major. Let's clean up and eat before, maybe?" I tell them, turning towards the door.
"Sure." Lavi agrees, following behind me as I leave.
I look back at Kanda and nod towards the door. He glares at me for a moment, his eyes uncertain.
We sit in the cafeteria together, slowly eating our meals. Lavi sits across from me, next to Kanda, with his legs extended under the table so one of his boots rests against mine. My appetite has returned, nearly to normal, with the exception of the pain from my stomach trying to re-accommodate my large portions after weeks of only fluids and IV drips.
"So what did you need to tell us?" Lavi asks, turning his attention from his meal to me.
"It's nothing super important, just uh...something I suppose you should know." I say. Kanda looks up from his soba, eyeing me suspiciously.
"What is it?" Lavi asks.
"You know how when I was in the infirmary, my innocence started healing me on its own?" I start, speaking slowly, choosing my words carefully.
"Yea, what about it?" Lavi asks curiously. Kanda's eyes bore into me and I try to ignore him.
"Uh-Nothing, nevermind, I guess you guys already know." I say, suddenly desperate to divert the conversation. "I just wanted to tell you guys that it was my innocence. In case you didn't know, that's what was doing it." I say, fumbling a bit with my words.
"Yea, we knew. We were the ones who told you, remember?" Lavi presses, a bit confused now.
"Ah, yea haha" I laugh awkwardly, stabbing at my food with my fork, avoiding Kanda's blaring gaze "yea, you're right. I guess I forgot about that part. It was all really blurry, you know. Sleeping for days on end will do that to you I suppose." I laugh it off. My chest is tight and my face feels flushed. I'm suddenly very anxious about keeping secret the very thing I was going to tell them. They can't know that it didn't act on its own. I can't just tell them that I made a deal with the wolf, Kanda is already suspicious and Lavi would freak out with worry.
"You alright there, Sage?" Lavi interrupts my thoughts, giving my foot a light nudge under the table.
"Me? Yea haha, sorry. My stomach just aches a bit from all the food. Not quite use to it yet." I lie, trying to pull off a convincing smile.
An odd look spreads across Lavi's face, but he nods and smiles and accepts my answer. Then his attention is being drawn from another source. I hadn't even noticed Bookman approaching us. He seems to exchange some silent words with Lavi before taking a few impatient retreating steps. Lavi sighs and gets up.
"Duty calls." He shrugs, stacking his plates into a neat pile.
"You have to go?" I ask, suddenly disappointed but still relieved by the diversion.
"Super fun and important Bookman stuff." Lavi sighs sarcastically.
"We'll see you later then?"
"Don't wait up, but yea, I'll find you after." He says, giving my head a pat before he follows after Bookman.
I stare back down at my plate and pick around at the food there. I don't look up, but I can still feel Kanda glaring at me.
"What?" I ask, refusing to look up.
"Were you going to tell him about what happened on our last mission together? Your little black out?" He asks.
"No." I say quietly, still picking at my plate, not wanting my answer to create more questions.
"Something new then?" He asks.
"No, it was nothing, I really did just forget about the innocence healy thing." He tell him, keeping my gaze down, staring at a particularly interesting shred of meat at the end of my fork.
"You know you laugh a lot when you lie." He sighs, looking back to his own food.
I ignore his reply and we sit silently for a few minutes. I know Kanda is picking up on whatever is going on with this new innocence situation. I don't think he knows what it is, but he can tell something is different. The way he looked at me when I phased earlier during training, it was like he didn't trust me. So maybe I should tell them, or at least tell Kanda...but then telling them would just create more questions and more worries and more problems. We've had enough of that because of me from our last mission. So it's decided then. I keep it to myself.
As I finish the thought, a slight burning and tingling starts to grow on the crystal on my chest. I try to ignore it and take a bite of food. I focus on chewing and swallowing. A small spike shoots through the thin fracture running across the innocence crystal. I cough and struggle to swallow my food. Kanda looks up at me with a raised brow and a scowl.
"The heck was that?" He asks as I choke down my mouthful and place a hand over my innocence.
"It was spicy." I lie, rubbing at my chest.
Kanda rolls his eyes and goes back to eating his soba. I can feel my heart rate start to rise and the burning start to increase in my chest. This could be another episode. I shoot up from my seat and climb out from the bench.
"Where are you going?" Kanda asks.
"I forgot, I have to go do something." I tell him.
"Forgot what?"
"Don't worry about it." I say stacking my plates quickly.
"Stop avoiding all my questions, what are you hiding." He growls.
"Nothing, I have to go do something." I say more frantically.
"You're a horrible liar." He presses.
"Oh my god, Kanda! It's a girl thing. I have a girl thing to take care of, if that's okay with you. Unless you want to come help me with my tampons." I blurt out, knocking over a few dishes.
Kanda sits there stunned for a moment and then his face goes pink. I look around for a moment and see that I may have said that a little louder than I meant to, because several finders are staring at me with the same pink faces as Kanda. I'll take it.
"Is that ok with you?" I say, crossing my arms and raising an my eyebrows at him.
"Uh-um. I mean go ahead." He trips over his words awkwardly and looks away in embarrassment.
"Thank you." I say sarcastically, turning quickly for the exit, taking my chance.
As I rush down the aisle and make for the corridor, a dumb-struck Kanda is still sitting at the table, pink faced and a bit shocked. I feel bad for embarrassing him like that, but he presses more than Lavi does and his questions are going to put me in a tough position. I don't like lying to them, but I will if I need to.
I make my way to my room and close myself inside. The burning in my chest radiates around the innocence. I grip at it and lean against the door. I feel hot and my heart races. Maybe it's not the innocence, maybe its an infection. I press at my sides, but they're all scars now, nothing is left open for infection.
The more the burning radiates, the more it starts to throb. I make my way to my bed and ease my way down so I can lay on my back. My hand rests on my innocence. It feels warm to the touch, like there's actually heat generating from the crystal itself. I close my eyes and take some deep breaths.
"What the hell, why are you hurting so bad?" I ask.
I wait as if there's going to be a response from the wolf, but of course there is none. The pain seems to plateau but I still feel hot. I unbutton the first few buttons on my coat and the cooler air on my chest feels amazing. I'll stay here for a bit, wait for the burning to go down and the heat to disappear.
Dark woods surround me, the faint glow of the moon illuminating patches of blue light. I stand in a soft patch of light, holding my hand out, examining my pale skin, glowing against the darkness. My eyes adjust as I play in the moonlight. I know why I am here.
The snap of a twig behind me makes me turn around. The wolf stands behind me, seeping out of the shadows like a phantom. It steps into the light, a soft halo of blue illuminating around its fur, just like on my skin. The beast stops in front of me, less than an arm's length from my face. It has gotten bigger, we're nearly eye to eye now. It seems calm as its eyes gaze into mine.
"Why do I still hurt. I thought we made an agreement to work together. I let you in, you help me." I say to the beast.
My help doesn't come without consequence. I give you my power, but it needs to feed from somewhere. I'm not intentionally trying to hurt you.
"So will it be like this everytime I activate then?" I ask, bringing my hand to the innocence on my chest.
Not everytime, but healing your wounds was no small task, there is a balance needed here.
"Right...and you're bigger. Why are you so much bigger?"
You let me in, you stopped pushing me back. When you fully accept your innocence, it unleashes our true power. You've been suppressing us for so long and now you've only just begun to unlock our true potential.
"When I activated earlier today, I felt you with me, I didn't have full control."
That's what happens when you let me in, you don't get all my power and full control. You'll have to adapt to it. Learn to accept me as part of you, I am you anyway.
"I'm not a wild animal." I growl.
And yet there is the wolf inside you..
The beast turns from me and I watch as it seeps back into the shadows. As it disappears, I'm left in the woods alone again. The burning in my chest has died down, but as soon as I'm alone, a new feeling creeps up on me. The hairs on my arms and the back of my neck stand up and a cool breeze sends a chill down my spine. The breeze carries a sickeningly familiar sweet scent. Panicked, I spin around, wildly searching through the darkness. A shadow moves swiftly through the trees and a faint laugh echos in the night.
"Tyki-" I gasp.
"Sage~" The deep voice calls. "Sage~"
The fracture in my innocence bursts with pain and I cry out, gripping at my chest, the voice still ringing in my ears. Then he grabs me, ripping me out of my shock and I fight him wildly, eyes squeezed shut, arms pounding at his body.
I keep my eyes squeezed shut as two firm hands grip my shoulders, pulling me into a tighter embrace until my arms don't have any room to hit anymore and all I can do is push away at the body in front of me. A harsh gasp escapes me as I struggle as hard as I can. I'm terrified to open my eyes, unwilling to face Tyki and meet the fate he has planned for me.
"Sage…" A softer voice says.
Slowly, hesitantly, I stop pushing away at the body in front of me. The soft voice says my name again and I catch the smoky scent of my companion. I open my eyes slowly and look up at him. Relief floods over me as I take in his face. His one emerald eye looks down at me with a pained look.
"Lavi~" I sigh, relaxing into his grip as a hot tear escapes the corner of my eye.
"There she is." He says quietly, shifting me into his lap.
"I'm sorry-I hit you." I say, trying to smooth his coat with my shaky hands.
"No, it's fine. You were having another nightmare?" He asks.
"Yea, it's alright though, it was just-" I catch myself, not wanting to remember.
"Tyki" He says, his grip tightening "You were dreaming about him again, weren't you?"
I nod and look into his coat, unable to meet his gaze. He doesn't say anything for a few minutes, just sits there with me, gently rocking back and forth slightly to calm me down. He moves so he can look down at me and he holds me out a little further from him for a moment before pulling me back in.
"Do you have a fever?" He asks.
"No, I don't think so." I answer.
"You've been sweating quite a bit, was it all from the dream?"
"Oh, sorry, yea I guess so." I sit up and wipe my forehead with my sleeve. "I should go take a shower." I say.
I stand up and brush myself off, pulling back my messy hair. Lavi watches me for a moment. I don't like the pained look in his eye. I know he still feels guilty about last mission but he can't keep blaming himself can he? I need to pull myself together so I don't keep appearing like this to him.
"I didn't mean to fall asleep, what time is it anyway?" I ask him, trying to sound more upbeat than i'm feeling.
"It's half past eight now." Lavi answers.
"Oh damn, so you've been working with Bookman this whole time. And where's Kanda?"
"Yea, god knows how long you've been struggling in here while I was sitting at a desk with the old Panda. And Kanda has been around, doing usual Kanda stuff, why?"
"I kinda yelled at him earlier, I should probably apologize." I say, rubbing the back of my head.
"Did he say something insensitive to you? He probably deserved it knowing Kanda, I wouldn't worry about it too much." Lavi laughs weakly.
"No, he didn't do anything. But anyway, sorry for worrying you, I should go get cleaned up." I say, walking towards my bathroom door.
I start unbuttoning my jacket and kick off my boots. When I turn around, Lavi is still sitting on my bed. I cock my head to the side in confusion, looking at him. He's leaning back, seemingly getting comfortable.
"You're not leaving?" I ask him surprised.
"No, I've been gone enough for today. I'll be here when you're done." He smiles, patting the bed next to him.
"Okay." I say quietly, grinning to myself as I turn around and walk into the bathroom, lightly closing the door behind me.
Hey guys, sorry if the updates come kind of slow but new chapters take some time while I'm still getting the hang of things. Glad some of you are still following the story ^.^ much love 3