Hey all! This is my first ever Fairy Tail story. Introducing... a tough, confident version of Lucy Heartfilia!

NOTE: Just to let anyone know, the start of the S-Class Exam Arc will be coming out on Monday. In the meantime, here's part 1 of something I call 'The S-Class Mage: Outtakes'. They are fragments of previous chapters that have been modified to be funnier. Enjoy!

Credit for story image goes to pl. fairytail. wikia. com and to whoever posted it there.

Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail or any of the characters! I also do not own Twilight. And that song that starts with 'I love you'... I don't know where that's from, but I do not own it either.

Chapter 1 - Getting Charmed:

"Salamander-sama is in town!" The giddy girl squealed, not even noticing how she was treated. "Hurry or you'll miss him!"

Lucy frowned and let the girl go. "Salamander?" She rubbed the guild mark under her glove unconsciously. "Why would he be here?"

"He seems popular." Lucy observed as she watched girls flock towards one spot. "Didn't think the guy was such a showoff."

"Move." The girl muttered, shoving past the crowd. "Get lost. You too. Out of my way." She pushed past the last two women and looked at Salamander.

"Huh." She frowned. "I know I never met him in person due to annoying coincidence and bad mission timing, but he doesn't look anything like he does in Reedus' pictures. Must be a fake using the name."

"This joker isn't worth my time." She muttered. "You'd have to be an idiot to fall for that Charm spell he's throwing around. Wait... Charm spell?"

"Eek!" She squealed, rushing through the crowd towards the man. "Fake Salamander-sama!"

"Um..." A trembling messenger glanced up from his report at the Magic Council Chairman. "Sir, we've received reports of Hargeon Port having been completely destroyed."

The man paled. "What? How?"

The messenger glanced at the paper again. "It says... fangirl Lucy Heartfilia. That is all."

The chairman took a step back in pure horror. "God help us all."

Lucy and Aquarius:

A mermaid-ish woman appeared next to Lucy, carrying a vase filled with water.

"Tch." The spirit scoffed. "You again?"

"You don't have any other summoners!" Lucy shouted at Aquarius.

"A fact that pains me to this very day." The woman sighed dramatically. "What do you want?"

"Any second now." Natsu muttered, flooring a thug. "Any second..."

"Don't take that tone with me, you wet fish!"

"What are you gonna do about it, you juvenile tramp?"

"PMS-ing bitch!"

"Cheap whore!"

"What's taking her so long?" Natsu frowned, barely dodging a pile-up of grunts. "I'm running out of room here!"

"Freak cosplayer!"

"Flat chest!"

Lucy grinned. "Ah, I missed this."

"Indeed." Aquarius gave a similar grin. "You should summon me more often, I have a whole notebook full of creative insults. Seriously though, what do you need this time?"

Lucy pointed at the ship. "Just blast that back to shore."

The woman nodded and prepared her vase. "Damage limit?"

"Mediocre condition, none dead, no flooding the city streets."

"Ok."

Aquarius swung her vase and a huge whirlpool formed under the ship, swirling it around and around until the churning suddenly ended and the ship was sent hurling to the shore with a large wave bearing down on it.

"LUCYYYYYYYYYYYY!" A certain Dragon Slayer screamed from inside. "I'll get you for this, you crazy bitch!"

Boobs Rule:

"That's just awful." Natsu announced as the flames were somehow sucked into his open mouth. "I've never eaten such disgusting flames before. Are you really a fire mage?"

"This still isn't the weirdest thing I've ever seen." Lucy commented.

"You've seen a lot of things, haven't you?" Happy asked. "What's the weirdest thing you've seen, Lucy?"

"My own boobs on another body." Lucy told him. "Wanna see?"

"Yes, please!"

Zip.

"Hold it!" Bora yelled, glancing away from Natsu. "Heavenly view at 3 o'clock!"

Natsu glanced in the same direction and shot away with a large nosebleed.

"I win!" Bora crowed, having plugged his own nose. "Boobs rule!"

Chapter 2 - I'm back:

Natsu grinned, throwing the giant door open. "Welcome to Fairy Tail." He looked behind him in surprise. "Where'd she go?"

Happy pointed to the middle of the hall.

"Hey everyone! I'm back!" Lucy shouted. Curious and confused looks were shot her way.

"Um..." Someone hesitated. "Who are you?"

Gray's underwear:

"It really meant a lot to us, though." Mira told the blond girl, back to her cheerful self again. "You were on an S-class mission, and as soon as you heard about what happened, you stormed the Dark wizard hideout with all the spirits you had then and beat everyone up in one day! Then it only took you another day to travel halfway across the country to make it back here in time. You really need to stop being so reckless."

Lucy thought back to the day she put PMS-ing teenage girls to shame. "But then I wouldn't be me!"

Gray's underwear collided with Lucy's back. Mira took an involuntary step back as the blond girl lifted up the offending item and gave it an experimental sniff.

"Huh." Lucy observed, ignoring Mira's face-fault. "So that's what balls smell like."

Chapter 3 - Now Hiring:

"All right!" Natsu cheered, slamming a job request down on the table. "And I already got us a job!"

"Shirotsume Town... that's not too far from here." Lucy scanned the job form. "We get 200000 jewels for taking some book from the Duke of Everlue... and what's this? The Duke of Everlue is a womanizer, pervert, and hentai. He's now hiring a blond-haired hooker."

"And Lucy's blond!" Natsu observed.

"We have assembled here to mourn the tragic demise of one of our own." Makarov began. "The departed moron known as Natsu Dragneel thought it was a good idea to tell an S-Class female mage of our guild to pose as a hooker for a known pervert and womanizer as part of their mission."

It came as no surprise to Makarov that there were no girls in the crowd of mourners.

Daybreak:

Lucy looked around. "Alright, start searching! Daybreak has got to be in here somewhere!"

"Found it!"

Lucy glanced at the book and paled. "Natsu, that says 'Breaking Dawn', not 'Daybreak'!" She panicked. "Burn it! Burn it at once!"

Chapter 4 – Erza's back:

"Natsu, Gray!" Loke yelled, causing them to stop in mid-punch. "Erza's back!"

"Eek!" Lucy squealed, much to everyone's horror. "Erza-chan!"

"Oh no..." The redhead paled as soon as she heard that. "Stay back!"

"Kiss me, Erza-chan!"

"Get away from me, you crazy bitch!"

Mira sweatdropped. "That hasn't changed, huh..."

The plan:

Erza eyed them all sternly. "The plan is simple. We march into Eisenwald!"

"Just one problem." Lucy spoke up. "There are four of us."

"And?"

"And Eisenwald is a guild consisting of over 200 mages."

"And?"

"And you want us, four people, to fight over 200 people, including a skilled assassin called the Shinigami."

"So?"

Lucy sweatdropped. "Does no one see the absurdity here?"

Later that evening:

"I stand corrected." Lucy declared, standing amidst a sea of unconscious and beaten mages. "This really was possible."

Someone punch me:

"How could I have done something like that?" Erza moaned. "I was so focused on explaining the situation that I forgot all about Natsu! And he can't handle moving vehicles either. Someone punch me!"

A high kick sent Erza flying into a building at the end of the street.

"Dammit, Heartfilia!" Erza roared angrily. "You punch with a fist. Feet are for kicking! We have been over this!"

Gray's clothes:

Lucy sighed as the station staff ran around them, trying to regain control of the situation. "What a mess."

Gray nodded. "Indeed."

"Where are your clothes?"

"The shirt is over there." Gray pointed up at a random building's window sill. "And the pants are over there." He motioned to a shopper's bag. "One of the shoes is in the duck pond. I think Erigor took the other one. One of my socks is at your place, the other is in your back pocket."

Lucy sweatdropped. "And your coat?"

"I had a coat?"

Elsewhere, Natsu wondered what happened to his scarf and what the weird thing around his neck was.

All the cute girls:

"All the cute girls go to the regular guilds." Kage mused. "Like I said, I envy you. There's no girls in my guild. I swear, it's as if only gay men join dark guilds.

Natsu sweatdropped. "So you're gay?"

"What?" Kage asked incredulously. "No! Why would you think that?"

"You just said only gay men join dark guilds. You're in a dark guild."

"Oh dear God." Kage paled. "I'm gay!"

Let the show begin:

"Erigor-sama, we have complete control of the train!" An Eisenwald mage reported.

"Excellent." A tall man with long white hair chuckled, holding up Lullaby. "With this, the mass-hypnotism magic, we will make every man think he's gay. Then every one of them will join our guild! Let the show begin!"

Makarov's immunity:

"You..." Kageyama was incensed. "Why doesn't Lullaby's melody affect you?"

"That's easy." Makarov chuckled. "Little Makie-boy hasn't functioned right in 20 years. It doesn't matter to me if I'm gay or not."

Lucy and Erza's immunity:

"Now that I've re-calibrated Lullaby to also make women think they're gay, we'll have an even larger following!" Erigor crowed. "Lesbian women will certainly join dark guilds, just like gay men do!"

With that, he raised the flute and began to play. Lucy and Erza stood calmly and watched him fail at hypnotizing them for about fifteen minutes. Then he exploded.

"Why doesn't it work on you?" He shouted angrily. "You should have been lesbianified by now!"

"Lucy?"

"Yes?"

"I no longer feel any attraction to you."

"Same here."

"My God..." Erigor trembled with excitement. "The song has a reverse effect on girls who already were lesbians! I am a genius!"

Kage's memories:

Makarov sighed. "Alright, I guess. But only one tune, I'm in a hurry."

Kage smirked. "Sure." Thoughts of victory crossed his mind and he lifted the Lullaby to his lips. "Please listen carefully."

A series of memories suddenly assaulted his mind.

I love you, you love me, we're a happy family...

Hey dude, smoke some of this. You'll feel great!

Hooker party!

I'm gonna start accepting assassination requests! That'll show them Wizard Saints who's boss!

Kage-chan, I luuuv you!

Dude! Check this out! This guy's a vampire and a vegetarian! How pathetic is that?

Kage gritted his teeth, unsure of what to do.

Casualty:

"Shh." A voice shushed them, as an arm shot out and stopped them from moving forward. "The best part is coming up." The short bald man told them.

The man glanced at Natsu and Gray. "Oh my, aren't the two of you cute?"

"Oh dear God..." Erza whispered in horror. "Master Bob has been converted by Lullaby!"

The strongest team:

Four attacks connected with Lullaby at the same time. Lucy delivered two violent strikes to the thing's head, Gray pierced a few more holes with his ice attacks, Erza chopped at the demon's legs, knocking it off balance, and Natsu took advantage of that by slamming his fireball straight into Lullaby's chest.

The demon gave a loud, agonized howl, then collapsed on top of the four mages who just defeated it.

Later:

"We have gathered here today to remember four of our fallen comrades..." Makarov started. "Four members of our Fairy Tail family who were too dumb to realize that falling demons are heavy."

NOTE: And this is where I end part 1. For those of you who liked it, part 2 will come out after the S-Class Exam arc and will include chapters 6-9, the Galuna Island mission. 'History of Fairy Tail' chapters will not be part of the outtakes.

NOTE 2: I have nothing against gay people or lesbians and I hope that if any of the readers are gay or lesbian, that they weren't offended. I do, however, hate Twilight.

Next time (for real this time): That Time of Year. That should take me five days to put up, so please remain patient.

Thanks for reading!