~~XXV~~

"Hi."

Amanda looked up to find Lee standing in the door of the clinic recovery room. "Hi, yourself," she answered softly. She'd been up for a while, waiting for him, but suddenly now that he was actually there, she felt totally unprepared.

"We're just taking a quick lunch break and I thought I'd see how you were doing." He walked over to the bed and sat down beside her. "I thought maybe you'd . . ."

"Started to remember something?" She shook her head. He'd looked so hopeful, she felt like she was letting him down by not being able to give him better news.

"Amanda, I'm so sorry." He reached out and put a tentative hand on her shoulder.

"It's not your fault," she said, standing up and stepping away. Somehow even such a simple gesture was more than she was prepared to handle at the moment. "The antidote just happened to work on you and not on me," she continued in a hard, brittle tone. "It wasn't anyone's fault."

"Amanda." Lee stood up and walked in front of her, forcing her to meet his gaze. The depths of his hazel eyes were full of emotion - whether sympathy or pity she wasn't sure, but either way it threatened to shatter the modicum of control she'd managed to achieve.

Abruptly changing the subject, she asked, "How are things going with the Justice Department?"

Lee gave her a long look but followed her lead. "Really well," he said levelly. "They've built up an impressive case against Finch, but my testimony is definitely going to be the nail in the coffin."

"That's great." She swallowed a lump in her throat. "I'm glad things are working out." Turning away again, she crossed to the other side of the room. They'd really come full circle. Lee was the one the Agency needed, the one with the training and knowledge. She'd been relegated to the sidelines yet again.

In spite of herself, Amanda half smiled. No wonder she didn't want Lee feeling sorry for her, she was doing a fine job all on her own.

"Ahem." They both looked up at a sudden noise from the doorway. "I hope I'm not interrupting," Dr. McJohn apologized as he entered the room.

"I asked Dr. McJohn to talk to us once you got back," Amanda explained, catching Lee's look of annoyance.

"Why, is there something wrong?" Lee asked anxiously, his glance darting between the doctor and his wife.

McJohn held up a hand as if to ward him off. "Relax, Scarecrow, she's just fine. I think it bodes well for a possible second attempt."

"Wait a minute, who said anything about a second attempt?" Lee asked slowly, a frown crossing his face. "Colonel, I can appreciate that you're trying to help, but I don't think . . ."

"I asked him," Amanda broke in. She gulped down a breath and steeled herself for what was sure to come. She knew Lee wasn't going to make things easy, but she had no intention of backing down.

Lee was looking at her with a surprised expression. "Amanda, you're not serious," he protested. When she didn't answer him, he appealed to the doctor. "Tell me you're not actually considering this."

"The risks would be minimal," McJohn began.

"Minimal," Lee interrupted him scornfully. "What exactly does that mean?"

"After about four or five days, the antidote should be sufficiently out of her bloodstream to make a second trial feasible. We'll have Amanda come in every day for a checkup and blood work." He paused as Lee snorted in contempt. "Trust me, Scarecrow, no one is going to rush into anything. Besides, we've got the results from monitoring the both of you this morning, so every day we wait we can continue to refine the antidote. It just might make a difference."

Lee hardly even glanced at the doctor, looking instead across the room at Amanda. Unable to face the accusation in his eyes, she turned and looked out the window into the busy hallway. There seemed to be people everywhere - Agency personnel and visitors, doctors and other medical staff, all of them hurrying along, caught up in the business of their lives. Here she stood, stuck in this disconcerting limbo – unable to remember her past, yet needing it to find her way forward. It had seemed like a much simpler task the day before, before Lee had regained his memory and left her behind.

Dr. McJohn broke the heavy silence. "Amanda, as I told you earlier, you don't need to make a final decision today. I'll see you tomorrow morning for your checkup." He nodded a brief goodbye to both of them then left them alone again.

"Amanda, I can't believe you are even considering this," Lee said forcefully before the door was even closed. "Did McJohn explain what happened this morning, about the abnormal heart rhythm?"

"Yes, he did." She turned back to face him. "He also told me that now that they're aware of that side effect, they'll monitor me more closely. He doesn't anticipate it causing a major problem."

"How very, very comforting." Lee paced restlessly across the room. "You do realize that even if your health isn't endangered, there's no guarantee you'll get your memory back. What if you end up forgetting even more than you already have?"

"Dr. McJohn said that isn't very likely. Besides, then I'll just have to learn about my life all over again. They say the third time's a charm," she said in an artificially light tone.

She might have known Lee was in no mood for jokes. "Amanda, this isn't funny."

"Lee, trust me, it's going to be okay," she said, trying to soothe him. Why couldn't he see how important this was to her? "I came through this morning just fine."

"Except for the fact that you can't remember the last nine years of your life," he threw at her sarcastically.

"Well, if I did remember them, we wouldn't be having this argument, now, would we," she shot back, beginning to lose her patience with him. She could see the concern in his eyes, but brushed it aside. "Lee, I really want to try this again. I know you're worried but . . ."

"Of course I'm worried. Amanda, we were damned lucky we both came through the first attempt as well as we did. I don't think we need to tempt fate any more."

"Oh, you don't, do you? That's pretty convenient for you, considering that you got your memory back." She softened her tone when she saw her words had hit their mark. "Look," she tried again. "I can remember waking up beside you this morning. And yesterday and the day before. And that's it. There are a couple of thousand other mornings we spent together that I have no memory of at all. Not to mention our family. Birthdays and Christmases and Emily being born and the boys going out on their first dates and graduations and . . ." She stopped and took a deep breath. "Lee, I know I'm being selfish, but I can't help it. I want it all back."

"Amanda, I just don't think this is a good idea." He glanced at his watch and frowned. "I've got to get back to my meeting." He turned and headed for the door.

"So, that's it, is it?" she called after him. "You don't think it's a good idea, so it's the end of the discussion?"

He hesitated. "I'm only thinking about what's best, that's all."

"Is that what our marriage was like? You making all the decisions under the guise of what's best?"

"No, of course not," he began, but she cut him off.

"You didn't by any chance make me say 'obey' in our wedding vows, did you?" she asked, narrowing her eyes.

"A-man-da," he began, drawing out her name. "Don't be ridiculous."

"Oh, I'm the one who's being ridiculous. All I want is another chance to get my life back. Dr. McJohn agrees that it would be an acceptable risk . . ."

"Acceptable to you, maybe," he shot back. "Not to me. And if you'd listen to reason for a minute . . ."

"I don't want hear it," she said sharply. "You know, if this is any indication of the way things were between us, then maybe I'm better off not remembering." She stood there glaring at him. "You'd better go; they're waiting for you. Just like you seem to think I'm supposed to spend all my time doing," she said bitterly.

"This discussion isn't over," Lee threw over his shoulder as he slammed the door.

"That's what you think," Amanda said quietly to the empty room.

~ ~ SMK ~ ~

Lee pulled the BMW into the driveway, thankful that, for the moment, there was no sign of Dotty's car. When he'd called her from the Agency to tell her what had happened with the antidote, his mother-in-law had volunteered to collect Emily from preschool. Lee was grateful; as anxious as he was to see his daughter, he wanted at least one more chance to talk some sense into Amanda before Emily claimed their attention.

Unfortunately, his wife seemed to have a different scenario in mind. He barely had time to turn off the engine before she executed a quick evasive maneuver and escaped into the house. Lee ran a hand through his hair and let out a deep breath. Amanda had barely said two words in the car – why had he thought it would be any different once they were home?

He found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring out into the backyard. "Emily keeps talking about wanting to go up in Phillip and Jamie's tree house when the weather gets warmer," she said, her voice tightly controlled. "You'd better check it out to make sure it's secure."

"I already did. The boys and I replaced all the loose boards over Labor Day weekend . . ." He bit his lip to stop from adding, 'remember?'

"Oh," she replied flatly. "That's good to know."

Lee took a step towards her. "Amanda . . ."

"No," she interrupted, hugging her arms around herself. "Please don't."

"We have to talk about this."

"Why?" She turned to look at him. "We said everything there was to say on the subject back in the Agency clinic."

"The mechanics, Amanda. We discussed the mechanics. We barely touched on what this might mean for us. I know how you're feeling, but . . ."

"I'm feeling thirsty," she said, pushing out of her chair. "I think I'll make some tea."

Turning to the sink, his wife methodically filled the tea kettle with water and placed it on the stove. Lee folded his arms across his chest as he watched her; no one was as stubborn as Amanda when she had her mind set on something. After adjusting the flame on the burner with deliberate slowness, she leaned back against the counter and glared at the pot, as if challenging it to boil. He wanted to take her into his arms and assure her everything would be okay, but she steadfastly refused to even so much as glance in his direction. She obviously had no intention of reopening the discussion about what had happened – or, rather, what had failed to happen – this morning at the clinic.

All of a sudden Lee felt achingly tired. Closing his eyes, he started to sit on the edge of the kitchen table, but automatically stopped himself. Amanda was always telling him that tables were meant for eating on, not sitting on. He remembered the lively discussion they'd had on that very subject shortly after moving in together. She'd been none too pleased that Phillip and Jamie had picked up the habit from him. Of course, at the time, he hadn't really wanted to argue with her; her pregnancy tended to blow inconsequential things like sitting on a table all out of proportion. Lee bit his lip. Right about now, a hormonally induced lecture might not be so bad - as long as his Amanda was back to give it.

Of course, she was still his Amanda, the same woman he'd come to care so deeply for all those years ago, the same woman who had made passionate love with him only yesterday. The repercussions from taking the antidote had just caused this sudden awkwardness between them, and neither one of them seemed to know how to move past it. It was as if a carefully balanced scale had been unexpectedly tipped in one direction, destroying the stability they'd finally regained in their marriage. The weight of his restored memory suddenly felt like more of a burden than a blessing.

But only for a moment. Emily burst through the back door, bringing blessed equilibrium in with her. "Mommy, Daddy," she exclaimed, her eyes sparkling. "You're home!"

"Hi, Em," Amanda said quickly. "How was preschool?"

"It was the best day," Emily said breathlessly. "We learned a new dance . . . wanna see?" She immediately began to hum as she demonstrated the steps, complete with arm movements.

"That's wonderful," Amanda praised, catching Lee's eye over their daughter's head.

Lee let out a relieved sigh as he saw her face break into a smile. Everything was going to be okay; they just needed a little time to let the pendulum swing back again.

Emily grinned proudly at her mother as she finished her dance with a flourish. "Katy Thompson couldn't even do it," she announced gleefully. "She kept tripping."

"Maybe you'll have to help her out then," Amanda suggested as she stooped and held out her arms.

"Okay," Emily replied with a put-upon sigh, "I can try."

Lee watched his daughter's dark hair mingle with Amanda's as they hugged. They made quite a picture, he thought with an indulgent smile, just like that day he'd brought them both home from the hospital. A kaleidoscope of other images flipped through his mind, all the insignificant, day-to-day happenings he'd taken for granted over the years. Not to mention those monumental moments . . . a first word, a first step, a first day at school. It was almost too much - the remembering.

Moving over to his daughter, he squatted down to Emily's eye level. "Hey, can Daddy get a welcome home hug, too?"

Emily nodded solemnly and transferred her arms from Amanda's neck to his. "I've missed you, munchkin," he said, struggling to keep his voice even as he gave her a big bear-hug.

"So you came home early, too?" she asked, obviously delighted.

"You bet I did," he said, pulling back to tap the end of her nose with her finger.

She immediately wrinkled her nose in response and rubbed the tip with two chubby fingers. Lee smiled as he, too, did the same, reenacting the special bunny ritual they'd started when Emily was only a toddler. As his daughter laughed with pleasure, he swung her up into his arms.

"Sorry we're so late," Dotty apologized as she entered the kitchen in a flutter. "Emily left her backpack at school, and we had to go back for it, then the traffic was a nightmare. Honestly, I don't know how anybody ever gets where they're going in this town."

"I think they drive over forty miles an hour," Lee said with a teasing grin.

Dotty's eyes softened for a moment, then she picked up the running joke between them. "Very funny, Mr. Stetson. I'll have you know that I am an excellent driver." She crossed the room and wrapped her arms around both him and Emily. "It's so good to have you back," she whispered in a low voice.

"Not as good as it feels to be back," he murmured in return, giving his mother-in-law a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you for . . . well, for everything."

"Nonsense," she replied, "I was more than happy to . . ." Her sentence dissolved into a look of relief and joy.

"Gramma," Emily chirped from her father's arms, "your eyes are leaking."

"Yes, I guess they are." She reached into her pocket for a tissue. "Oh, Amanda," Dotty began, wiping her eyes. "I'm so sorry about . . ."

"It's okay, Mother."

Lee saw Amanda glance at Emily, then give Dotty a warning look and he quickly set his daughter back on the ground where she'd be less likely to notice the expressions on the adult faces. Emily had already been through so much over the past few months; he had no intention of letting this new tension affect her.

Dotty obviously was of the same mind. "Well now, who would like a piece of cake?" she asked, indicating the large container on the counter. "I made it this morning to cele . . . well, I made it this morning," she amended quickly.

"I do, I do," Emily cried, running over to the counter. She looked back at her mother, who nodded her approval.

"And it looks like Mommy's making tea, too." Dotty's voice softened and her eyes filled with concern as she turned them on Amanda. "Darling, can I get you some?"

"No, I . . ." Amanda made a quick grab for the counter as she began to sway slightly on her feet. Lee moved immediately to her side, but she evaded his arms and took a few steps towards the hall. "I think I'll lie down for a bit," she said, her eyes on the floor. "I've got a really bad headache."

"I could rub it," Emily offered, her hazel eyes growing large as she looked up at her mother.

"Thank you, Em," Amanda said, leaning down to give her a brief kiss, "but I just need to take a little nap, that's all. You stay and have some cake with Daddy."

"That's right," Lee put in quickly as he noticed the telltale quiver of Emily's bottom lip that always signaled tears. "And you can fix my tea for me."

"Just like Aunt Emily taught me?" she asked, her face brightening. "The proper way?"

"The proper way," he assured her with a big grin. He looked towards Amanda, to ask her to reconsider and have some tea with them, but she'd already disappeared up the stairs.

Dotty raised an eyebrow as she caught his eye and Lee nodded. He could readily imagine what Amanda was feeling. She must be as upset as he had been on that first night home from the hospital, staring into the faces of a family he didn't remember.

He jerked his head in Emily's direction then quickly headed after his wife. "Come on, Em, let's find the special tea leaves," he heard Dotty say as he took the stairs two at a time.

He paused outside the door to their room, uncertain about whether or not to knock, but he made a quick decision and stepped inside. This was their bedroom, their home, their life, and Lee had no intention of letting things slip back to where they had been even a few short weeks ago.

"Amanda," he said as he closed the door softly behind him. "I wanted to make sure that you were okay."

"I'm just fine," she started to say, then suddenly froze and shook her head. "I guess I'm not really fine at all, am I? I can't remember. Oh, Lee . . . " She turned to him with tear-filled eyes. "I'm sorry about the way I acted downstairs, it's just that I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under us all over again. When I saw how you were with Emily and Mother, I just . . . I couldn't . . ."

He quickly closed the space between them and took her into his arms, his lips brushing gently through her hair. "It'll be okay," he whispered over and over as he stroked her back.

She pressed against him. "I wish I could believe that," she murmured, burying her head in his shoulders.

"You can," he said, his voice rough with emotion, "no matter what happens."

He held her fast against him. He'd make it okay, he vowed as her heartfelt sigh echoed in his ears. He was certain of one thing – memory or no memory, he couldn't lose her.

TBC