I didn't have the heart to keep you in suspense overnight. Jules x
Chapter Twenty Six
Jasper
When Emmett and I got back there was a definite atmosphere and Rose grabbed me by the arm on my way to the shower.
"You need to talk to Bella, she's really upset."
"Why? I didn't want to wake her to say goodbye"
"Not just about that. She's jealous Jazz"
"Of what?"
"You. She's very upset about what she heard"
"Heard?"
"Apparently she overheard about Amber and she didn't like you and I flirting"
"But there's nothing in either"
"You know that but she's hurting with all that's happened and she feels insecure, Edward didn't exactly help the situation. Talk to her before it gets out of hand"
I passed on the shower for now, not wanting Bella to be upset and went into the bedroom where she was sitting staring out of the window and I could see tears in her eyes and feel such sorrow in her that it made me sad in turn. She turned as she heard the door close,
"Jasper"
"Bella I just spoke to Rose, she told me you are unhappy with me. I'm sorry I should have ignored Charlotte and come in to see you last night. Please accept my apologies, I wouldn't hurt you for the world."
I knelt before her and put a hand out to take hers but she pulled back and shook her head.
"I can't do this Jasper. I thought I was strong now, I thought after all I'd been through with Edward and all this shit, losing Charlie, that I couldn't be hurt any more but I was wrong, I can. If I let myself love you, if I commit to you and it all goes wrong I think I would kill myself. There isn't much left holding me here and I'm afraid of losing the last bit of me."
"Bella please"
"No you listen to me. I spent all night thinking about this and I need to get everything out in the open. I only have one heart and it's already bruised and bleeding, never fully recovered from what Edward did to me, then Charlies death, but its all I have and I can't afford to give it to someone who could destroy it totally. What I'm saying is I'm scared of committing to someone who might just walk away when the novelty is over, someone who can't commit one hundred per cent in return. I thought you were that person but I'm not sure any longer, it scared me that I feel so possessive and jealous of you. Is it supposed to be like that? I don't know, I feel as if I'm hanging on to a branch with my fingertips and the next gust of wind will blow me away. Where will it blow me Jasper? I don't know, do you? Where do I go if it all goes wrong? There's nobody left for me, Renee thinks I'm dead and it would be too complicated to bring her back into my life. I have no one and I can't become involved with someone who may just turn and walk away if something better comes along, when I stop amusing you, when the novelty wears off."
She stopped then, wiping the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand and looking so tired and hurt.
Bella
I'd said all I had to say, I felt numb, my mind, unable to take any more, had stopped taking input. Jasper continued to kneel in front of me and I noticed a smudge of lichen on his neck, a twig in his hair and realized he'd come straight to me from hunting. His hand was still outstretched where I'd pulled away and I saw a small smudge of blood on his worn cuff. Absently I touched it, dry as I expected. He looked down and grimaced,
"I'm sorry but when Rose said how upset you were I didn't stop to shower, I should have, it was thoughtless."
I shook my head,
"It doesn't matter, nothing matters any more. I'm so tired Jasper, so very weary of fighting, of being scared, of not belonging."
He pulled me into his arms and held me tight, his mouth to my ear.
"Bella you had your say and now its my turn. I have no idea what you've been through or how you survived it but you did and when you rang I made you a promise, to keep you safe. I intend to honour that promise come what may. But I also made myself a promise, I promised that if I could I would tell you how I felt and ask you to consider me as a friend and much more. Last night I acted like an idiot and I have no excuse, it was hurtful and thoughtless in the extreme but its done and I can't take it back. If I had thought how vulnerable you were I wouldn't have acted as I did. My only excuse is that I didn't. I wasn't thinking enough about you and that is unacceptable. You have every right to be angry and to tell me to go, to leave you alone but even if you do I will still make you safe, keep my promise to Charlie and to you. I love Rose as a sister, Charlotte too and Amber was so long ago I'd forgotten, two weeks giving and receiving a little comfort, a little affection, that's all it was.
I love you, with every fiber of my being and I always will, I can't prove my steadfastness I can only ask you to forgive me and allow me to try to show you what that means. You hold my heart in your hands, my life, its yours to do with as you choose but you will never stop my love and I will never feel this way again. All I can ask is that you trust me, I'm not Edward, or Jake, or any other boy or man you've known, I'm just me, badly scarred mentally and physically and not worth a lot I know, but all I am, all I have, is yours."
Jasper
Now all I could was wait for Bella to make her decision if she hadn't already done so, wait to see if I had a future or not. I tried to feel her emotions but they were in such turmoil I couldn't get a fix on anything. Her body was tense against mine and I wondered how long it would be before she pushed me away and left. As the minutes ticked by my future wavered, ready to crash and burn and still she sat there tense in my arms. I was about to let her go and move backwards when I felt a wetness soak through my hair to my face, she was crying and I held her even tighter, unable to do more.
"Jasper"
Her voice was a breath,
"Yes Bella?"
"Make me safe"
"I will, whatever happens between us, whatever you decide, I will."
She nodded and I felt her relax into me,
"I'm sorry, I don't know what happened, I just felt so lonely, so jealous. I can't lose you, if we are going to be together it has to be for all time."
"Then I give you my life for eternity, my love for ever, my heart for all time. I love you Bella, please trust me."
She threw her arms around me pulling herself close and cried herself to sleep and I vowed I would never make her cry again, unless they were tears of joy.