"Come on Matilda." Adam had his keys in his hand and was waiting impatiently by the door. "What are you doing?"
Slowly she wandered out of her room having obviously changed her clothes. Adam sighed. "What are you wearing? Where is your dress?" He had done his best to convince her to wear her new dress but she was now sporting a pair of inside out leggings and a t-shirt that was far too small. "You are not wearing that."
"It was scratchy."
"What was? Jesus Matilda you are just like your mother." Kim would often change her clothes numerous times before finally deciding on what to wear and then was rarely happy with her choice. He grabbed her hand and marched her back down the hall. "Bloody Hell." It looked like a crime scene.
"Language Daddy." Being admonished by his daughter was not appreciated.
He waved his hand at the pile on the floor. "Well if you didn't make this mess I wouldn't have to say it."
"My dress was scratchy." She started to whine when Adam asked her again why she got changed. Apparently the tag was scratchy and that, according to a four year old was worse than death.
"Then I will cut the tag off." Adam snatched it from the floor where it lay amongst half her wardrobe as Matilda's eyes started to well up. "You are not wearing that. It's either this dress or you can pick another one."
Finally they agreed on black cotton dress with some bright flowers. It was probably starting to get a little short but he really didn't have time to continue to argue with her. Adam was already lamenting the battles he seemed to be having with his daughter about clothes. He didn't win a lot of the time but today he was determined not to give into her.
Matilda was looking more like Kim as the days went by. Her hair had darkened and it bounced around in a ponytail as she walked. Her eyes were big and brown with long dark lashes. It was Kim's eyes and smile that first attracted him but he now all he had was their daughter and he loved that without having ever met her mother, Matilda was his mini Kim. He'd come a long way from those initial days, weeks and months when the pain was still far too real. She also had many of her traits, including her propensity to leave everything to the last minute and dither about just as they were ready to leave. Kim was always running late and Matilda possessed the same lack of time management.
He gave her a quick nudge out the door when he sensed she was about to turn back for something. "Come on we are going to be late."
He rested a hand on the door and stole a glance at his daughter, her warm hand comfortably holding his. He found it hard to believe that more than four years had slipped by and how far they had come. They started this journey helpless and dependant on each other for life. Perhaps they still were but it wasn't just them anymore. He let the breath out as he watched Lana hold out her arms and envelope Matilda in the most precious of hugs. "Hey my gorgeous girl. I've missed you."
Adam smiled at them both; he loved watching them together. Lana was as close to a mother that she could have, she had supported Adam every step of the way and loved Matilda almost as fiercely as he did. There were still photos of Kim in their house and particularly in Matilda's room and they always told her about Kim and she listened to those stories again and again, often talking along with them. They told her she was lucky because not everyone got to have two mothers, the one that created her and made her so beautiful and the one that was helping make her into the special little girl that she was.
Matilda would only ever know, really know Lana as her mother. Kim was a photo and a voice. Lana was a heart, a comforting pair of arms, a sweet kiss, a laugh and a smile, she was everything that Kim couldn't be, she was here.
He leant down and kissed them both before turning and picking up the tiny newborn. "Hey Tilly, look you are a big sister now." Lana helped Matilda up onto her lap as Adam crouched down in front of his four-year-old daughter. "Would you like a cuddle?"
He placed the baby in Matilda's waiting arms and her smile was as bright as Christmas. Lana slipped one arm around his neck and kissed the top of his head as a few tears ran down his cheek. "It's okay Sweetheart. We are all here." She whispered. "We are all okay."
Matilda's bottom lip started to quiver. "Why is it crying?"
"I think someone is starting to get hungry." Lana reassured her and tucked a stray wisp of hair behind her ear. "It's okay." Matilda watched Lana start to feed the baby, softly touching its head.
"It's Bear milk." Matilda looked very pleased with herself when they both laughed. Adam tried not to feel sad about it as he watched them together. It was beautiful and he wished both Matilda and Kim had the chance to experience it, even just for a moment.
Adam felt his heart beat a little faster as the tiny baby squirmed in his arms. He ran one finger along the newborn's soft cheek and smiled at the warm grey eyes that were staring back at him. "Perfect." He whispered. "You are perfect."
Adam closed his eyes; it had been a long few weeks. The closer Lana got to having the baby the more stressed he became and he was on edge constantly. When she first told him she was pregnant it hadn't been his finest moment and the strain he put them under was immense. He'd walked out on her, suddenly unable to breath and left her sitting alone in tears for hours wondering where he had gone. When he came back he apologised but it was still obvious to her that he was struggling with the news. He should have been happy but all he could feel was terror.
It was weeks before he even talked to her about her pregnancy, he never mentioned it but he would make sure that she was okay, bring her breakfast in bed to help with her morning sickness, which was pretty rough for a few weeks and made sure she was eating well and not working too much. It wasn't fair, Lana was excited about becoming a mother but she did try and understand why Adam was struggling and he kept apologising but nothing changed.
From very early on Lana was honest with him and he always knew she wanted a child of her own, she had told him that before they moved in together. He wanted them to be a family and for her that also meant having more children. He needed to be okay with that. As much as she loved Matilda she wanted someone to call her Mom, Tilly stilled called her 'Bear' and she loved it and she never expected that to change. It wasn't that Adam was opposed to having another baby, they had talked about it and it wasn't even that the pregnancy was completely unplanned but Adam had no idea how he would react and as it turned out, he didn't react well.
He told no one about the pregnancy and that was devastating for her, the fact he didn't seem to want people to know. Lana tried to be patient with him but once she started to show he withdrew even more and she worried about what the stress of it was doing to her baby.
"Why? You don't want this baby do you?" Lana rested her hands protectively over her small baby bump one night when it all started to get too much. She had waited for him to be ready but he had feet like clay. The baby had been kicking now for a week or so and Adam had yet to feel it. He would always ask how her appointments went and usually found an excuse to get out of attending them but when he was alone he would stand and stare at the grainy ultrasound picture that Lana left pinned to the fridge and would run a finger over the image and try to quell his fears.
"I do. I just don't want everyone asking how I am coping or if I am scared about the birth?"
"Well you know what? I am scared." She just lost it at him. "I am scared that I am going to be doing this alone. I am scared because I feel you pulling away from me." She pressed her hands against her eyes trying to stop the tears, to no avail. Her hormones were not helping her stay calm or in control although she just didn't have the energy or patience anymore. "I don't want to do this alone. I thought you wanted this too?"
"Come on Lana…"
"Adam, I love you and I love this baby." The tears were now falling freely and Lana felt the faintest glimmer of hope when Adam quickly brushed them away. It was however, a fleeting moment. "I want to enjoy being pregnant, I want to feel happy and I want people to be happy for us but you obviously don't want that. Why did you agree to have a baby if you were going to be like this?"
"I'm not stopping you from being happy."
"No? Do you know what it feels like to see you look like you don't care about this baby or how I am?"
"Don't." He held up his hand. "Don't you dare say that I don't care about you or how you are. I have always made sure you are okay."
Lana just ignored him. She was too angry to acknowledge his feeble attempts at defending himself. How dare he sound angry with her. "Do you know what it feels like to worry if you are going to even be there with me? Do you know what it feels like to worry about whether you are going to love my baby?"
He hated hearing her so distressed and he hated himself because he couldn't make himself do anything about it. "Our baby." He shot back at her; the strain evident in his voice. "You have no idea how hard this is for me."
"You know what Adam, I do. I do understand that this is hard for you. I wish you could understand that it's not easy for me either." She grabbed her keys and phone and left, not even stopping when she heard him call her name.
Later that night Adam finally crept into their room well after Lana had gone to bed. "It's kicking." He slipped quietly in beside her and she startled him when she spoke. They hadn't really talked much all evening. In all honesty they hadn't talked much for weeks and he found himself staying up late and only coming to bed once he thought she was asleep.
Adam rested his hand on her belly and felt the baby kick for the first time. He kissed her shoulder in the dark. "I'm scared that I am going to lose you."
"I know." Lana put her hands over his. "I know Sweetheart, but I feel like I am already losing you."
"You're not. I love you so much. I love this baby, I really do. I want this baby." He buried his head in her shoulder and could feel the tears on bare skin. "Don't give up on me, please?"
"I don't want to give up, I'm trying."
Amanda had been her rock. From the moment she told Amanda about the pregnancy she had been on her side, knowing full well that Adam wasn't offering her much in the way of support. Lana had asked her if she would be there if Adam couldn't and of course she agreed. "He loves you, you know he does."
"I know. It's just hard. I want to be excited and enjoy being pregnant but I can't because Adam is so reluctant to even talk about it."
"You know how good a dad he is to Matilda, he will be just as good to this baby. I have no doubt. I've learnt with Adam that it sometimes takes him a while to get on the same page as everyone else but he does get there. He always does the right thing."
"Aunt Trudy." Matilda sang as he climbed the front steps and skipped across the foyer. "I'm here. Is my Daddy here?" Matilda loved coming here because not only did she get spoilt and was the centre of attention but it also meant that she got to see her Dad, who was still her favourite person in the whole world.
"Yes Sweetie, he is….what the hell?" She peered over the top of her glasses, firstly at Matilda who she hadn't seen for weeks and then at Lana, who was following closely behind. Matilda scowled at Platt and reminded her that she shouldn't say bad words.
"That's a dollar for the jar. Daddy says it all the time." Platt frowned at her as she handed over a dollar.
Platt had Matilda up on the desk in an instant and at the same time as she picked up the phone. "Ruzek, get your ass down here right now. You have some serious explaining to do." She barked.
"So?" Lana rubbed her belly. "We've been keeping this a secret for a while." She tried to laugh it off but it had been painful not sharing their news with the people who had fast become her family too. It would take a while to put the last few months behind them but the tide had definitely turned and Amanda had been right. Once he got on the same page he was embracing it. Kissing and talking to her belly every night, touching her at every opportunity and making love to her like his life depended on it.
"So it seems and I will kill him for keeping this beautiful thing to himself." Platt leant over the desk and squeezed Lana's hand. It hadn't taken long for the crusty desk sergeant to fall in love with this woman, despite Adam warning her that she didn't give her love freely. Lana had certainly witnessed Platt's sarcasm but had never been on the end of it. This, Platt felt was just the icing on the cake and the end of a very long road.
Platt beckoned her a little closer. "How's he doing?" She nodded towards the stairs.
"He's getting there. It's been a bit rough but I think we are in a good place right now. He asked me to come in today so that's a good thing." She didn't need to say much more at this point, Platt understood. "Please don't ask him though, that's one of his biggest fears is that people will keep bringing up Kim with him."
Ruzek looked a little sheepish as he arrived downstairs and faced Platt. She looked at him sternly and he bit his bottom lip nervously. "Hey Sarge. What's up?" He was almost certain that was going to earn him a smack about the head, if it wasn't against the law and they weren't in a public place.
"What's up? Hmmm, I wonder. What the hell is this?" Before Matilda could speak Platt pulled another dollar out of her pocket and handed it to her without taking her eyes off Ruzek. Lana just stood back and watched it all unfold. It was amusing how nervous Platt made him, even after all these years.
"Well….We wanted to surprise people."
"Oh I am surprised. I am surprised she has put up with you for so long and that she let you knock her up." She grabbed his hand and pulled him halfway across the desk. "Congratulations. This is the best news ever. I can't wait to be Aunt Trudy all over again." And she finally let her face break into a smile.
"Surprise." Matilda bounded up the stairs waiting to see who would acknowledge her first so that she could start her usual procession from one desk to the next in search of treats. "Oh my god." Erin shrieked as she leapt up from her desk. "What the hell?" Fortunately for Erin Matilda was busy convincing Atwater to open his top drawer because that was where all the good stuff was.
"Seems a popular phrase." Lana giggled as she leant into Adam at the top of the stairs.
"Bear has a baby in her tummy." Matilda added helpfully once she had secured a lollipop from Atwater.
Finally when she looked at Adam she saw what she always wanted, he looked happy. Slipping a hand across her belly he sounded excited when he announced, "This little package is about 5 months cooked."
When she got home the next day he had left a soft white rabbit in the middle of the dining table for 'our cub.'
Adam felt her get out of bed, it was hard not to notice as moving around wasn't really that easy for Lana at the moment and she was hardly graceful. The due date had come and gone a few days ago which had done nothing to ease Adam's anxiety and they had until Monday and if nothing had happened they would be induced.
Assuming she had just gone to the bathroom he rolled over and went back to sleep. He had only made it into bed less than two hours ago having called her last night to say he had to work late and it somehow turned into the wee hours of the morning.
"Adam." Lana shook his shoulder lightly. "Adam, honey wake up."
He opened one eye slowly. "What time is it?"
"A little after eight." He closed his eyes again. "Adam I need you to wake up."
"Why? It's Saturday. I just got home."
"Because we need to go, I'm in labour." Panic, pure and utter panic was the only way to describe the look on his face.
"How long? Why didn't you wake me?"
"I am waking you now. It's been fine for the last few hours but I've called Val." They had decided that Val would look after Matilda when the time came because Adam didn't want the pressure of having everyone checking up on them, or more precisely checking up on him. The last thing he needed was people hanging out in the waiting room worrying about what was going on. He sat on the edge of the bed trying to gather his bearings. Lana knelt down between his legs and leant into him when he rested a hand on her cheek. "I love you." He whispered as he pressed his lips to her forehead and he felt her draw in a sharp breath and grab his bare thighs while she rocked a little while another contraction squeezed her.
She buried her head in his lap. "Well either this has got you strangely horny and I am about to get a blowjob or you are about to rip it from my body with your teeth for doing this to you." Adam had no idea why he felt the need to try and make a joke and he wasn't surprised at her reaction. Suddenly he jumped as her fingernails dug into the tender skin of his inner thigh causing him to yelp. "Sorry Baby."
Lana rocked back on her heels as the contraction eased and smiled an uneasy smile. "You will be if you make a crack like that again." He leant forward and kissed her softly. She could feel the fear in his kiss and they stayed in the calm for a few minutes.
"Adam can we go please." There were two conflicting emotions at play but they were both fuelled by fear. Going to the hospital scared him because that's where it all went so wrong last time yet staying here wasn't an option either because what if something did go wrong?
He held her hand the entire trip and refused to let go even once they were in the delivery room. Everyone in that room knew what the deal was and they were patient with Adam as he swung wildly from one emotion to the next. Fear, angst, anger and sadness each taking their turns at controlling him. "Please don't leave me." He whispered "I love you Bear." He couldn't even feel relief when she gave one last push and they heard and saw their baby for the first time.
"Is everything okay?"
"The baby is fine."
He wasn't asking about the baby who was already safely cradled in Lana's arms; it was the mother of his child he was worried about. Lana had asked a midwife to be ready to take a photo of them the moment the baby was born because Adam wasn't capable. He was frozen to the spot, watching the Doctor and looking for any sign that something was wrong. He couldn't focus or speak until he knew that Lana was going to be okay. The clock ticked slowly while he waited, he was barely breathing until that moment the Doctor had stepped away and nodded and he held onto the bed as he felt his knees buckle with relief.
The photo was important to Adam. The devastation he still felt that they never took a photo when Matilda was first born and she would never have a single photo of her with her mother was heartbreaking for Lana, even after all these years it was one of his most painful regrets. And then the tears fell.
When he finally left them it was late. They had all spent a few hours together, just the three of them. He had held his newborn child while Lana showered and had something to eat. He watched them as they both slept between feeds and just let the utter joy he felt fight with the desperate sadness he experienced. Lana held his hand as he worked his way through it.
He was filled with joy because his family felt complete. He watched with delight as Lana got to know their baby, as she experienced those first moments as a mother and he felt desperately sad that Kim never got this chance and Matilda never had that opportunity to experience those first hours with her mother. "Go home and see Tilly. Tell her I love her and I can't wait to see her." He had lingered over his farewell kiss and she could sense his trepidation at leaving them. "I tell you what, how about I call you every time we wake up?"
"Can you? I don't care what time it is, I just want to hear your voice."
And she did, each time the baby woke for a feed she would call Adam and let him know that she was okay, that they both were.
They had talked about a lot of things. Whether this was it for them, one child? Adam wasn't sure if he could put himself through the pressure of having more children and he still felt guilty for the stress that he put them under and how much he had hurt Lana early on in the pregnancy. Would it be enough for Lana to have only one baby? "Adam Sweetheart. I have two children. This is what I wanted, to have someone call me Mum, doesn't mean I don't honestly believe that I have two children. I love Matilda, with all my heart."
"I know you do. That's all ever wanted for her, for her to be loved." She had rested her head on his shoulder and he ran his hands over her bulging belly. They only had a few weeks to go at that stage.
"This, what we have, Matilda and this one." Resting her hand on his "This is perfect."
Now he felt much more at ease. Coming back today and spending this time with his family had been perfect and while he knew that Lana was itching to tell the world she had enjoyed these precious moments when no one else knew. "You and Matilda are so lucky because we love you both so much." he whispered as he stared at his new child snuggled safely in his arms. Matilda had quickly lost interest and focussed on the colouring in book that Adam had the sense to bring with him. She had the attention span of a gnat, another trait he happily declared come from her mother although many people would argue that it was definitely a Ruzek characteristic.
Lana took a photo of the three of them together and the smile on his face was pure. Every lingering ounce of pain vanished from his eyes and she could not have ever imagined loving this man anymore. His fears were real but he shared them, his pain had been deep but he let her hold some of it and he leant on her when it got too much. His love for her was simple but it was unwavering and limitless and she had learnt to allow him the space to let him deal with his past so he could embrace their future.
He sent it to his family; to his Unit, to those who had stood by him and picked him up every time he stumbled, those who had loved Matilda when he couldn't and encouraged him to embrace his new life.
'I am destined to be spend my life surrounded by beautiful women. Our little cub arrived safely yesterday afternoon. Arianwyn Barrett Ruzek is perfect, Matilda is happy to be a big sister and Bear is healthy and beyond happy.'
Adam was happy; he finally felt lucky and he was content. He had loved two women deeply and they had both given him the world.
In his arms he held his two precious daughters.
A/N: This is the end. I have really enjoyed writing this story, which came from a little thought that popped into my head. Thank you for reading & reviewing. It means a lot to know that you were as invested in Adam's story as much as I was.
There are a few 'deleted scenes' to this story, some of them chapters, some just snippets that along the way I just couldn't find a way to fit them in seamlessly. I didn't want it to drag on and on so I ended up cutting out a lot. Do you want to read them? Let me know….