A/N: Sorry about the wait guys. It's been a chaotic weekend. Thanks to my super awesomer Beta Girl AshleyBatmanner. Thanks for reading through this despite your whorish professors attempts to make your life horrible. I owe you.
This chapter is dedicated to shinigamivc who gave me the idea for the title.

Make sure to read the authors note at the bottom!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.

Jasper POV

Wednesday

"No, no, no! Not there you idiot. I said in the foyer. Does this look like the foyer to you? Or do you not know what a foyer is? Let me explain, it's the thing that you first walk into when you enter this god forsaken house." I rolled my eyes as I made my way downstairs, the wedding was in two hours and Maria was on the loose. Saying she was on a rampage would be putting it mildly.

I reached the landing to see a very frightened looking teenage boy holding a very large, overly fluffy book that I could only assume was for the guests to sign.

"I'll take that." I said gently and the boy all but threw it in my hands before sprinting back out the front door. I shook my head as I turned to set the book on the table that had been set up and decorated in the foyer. It was pretty and I felt my stomach churn uncomfortably as I looked at it. It had Alice's touch to it. This whole wedding did. How she had managed to throw something so beautiful together in less than two weeks was beyond me, but somehow she had done it.

"Of course she did" I rebuked myself. "Everything Alice does is beautiful." I sighed wistfully and turned to head into the kitchen. My family was no where to be found and I figured that would be the last place Maria would ever go. Maria hated cooking almost as much as she hated children.

I could hear Maria's voice reverberating through the house and from what I could tell she had somehow slipped upstairs. I didn't bother to ponder how she was getting around so quickly as I dived into the kitchen before she could find me and rain a torrent down upon me. That was definitely something I couldn't take right now. I quickly stole away into the kitchen, noting it was empty, and sat down at the table in the breakfast nook.

I ran a hand through my hair as I sat back against the seat. I had no idea how I was going to get through the lifetime I was pledging to my fiancé. Let alone the next three hours. It was already beginning to feel like hell on Earth. I tried to remember back to what I had been thinking when I proposed to Maria, but I came up blank. It was like I hadn't been thinking. In fact, that was probably the truth. I had tried so hard not to think about things when I was in New York. Living for the moment. Forgetting about things I didn't think I wanted to remember. Only looking back now did I realize how entirely stupid I had been.

"Hey Loser." My head snapped up as I saw Rosalie standing in front of me, two bottles of soda in her hand. Her smile was wide but I could tell that it didn't reach her eyes.

"Hey Rosalie." I mumbled as I let my eyes drift to the floor.

She sighed as she tentatively set herself down in the chair beside me and handed me one of the pops.

"Hiding out from your old ball and chain?" She muttered and I looked up to see her trying her best to keep a smile on her face.

"You could say that."

The atmosphere was different than what it usually was between the two of us. It was tense and heavy. Rosalie was sitting straight and tall in her chair as she unscrewed the lid and took a long gulp.

"Don't tell Emmett I'm drinking this." She said with a sidelong glance in my direction. "He'd kill me. But I figured I would need something to get through the next three hours alive."

I nodded in ascent as I opened my own bottle and drank greedily. She had a valid point after all. Rosalie turned to me, her bottom lip clenched between her teeth, her violet eyes calculating. I didn't ask what she wanted, I'd find out soon enough.

"Okay. Cut the shit Whitlock." She commanded. "Tell me, why are you still going through with this damned wedding?"

"Rosalie..."

"And don't give me any of that 'I love her' bull. Because we all know that ain't true." She raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow as if she were daring me to object, although she knew I wouldn't.

"You're right. I don't love her. I love Alice, I've always loved Alice. But what am I supposed to do? Alice hates me, my own daughter doesn't want anything to do with me, and..."

"What?" Rosalie interrupted me. "Why would you say that Faye doesn't want anything to do with you? Of course she does, you're her father."

"She walked here Rose. She walked to my house to tell me that I didn't mean anything to her. She said I wasn't her dad, that I was just a stranger."

"Jasper. She's five. Albeit an incredibly intelligent five year old with a smart mouth, but the fact of the matter is, she's still five. She's still a baby. If I had a dollar for every time Gracie told me or Emmett she hated us, or that she wished Auntie Alice or Bella were her mommy instead of me, I'd be able to hire a nanny...full time." Rosalie laughed.

"So you don't think she hates me?" I asked as I felt my heart suddenly jump back to life from whatever dormant state it had been in.

"Of course not. And neither does Alice."

"No, she does." I sighed.

"Are you sure about that?"

"I'm so sure I'm almost deodorant." I grumbled.

"You may think that. But you didn't see her Jazz. After you left she was like, a pit of hopeless despair. Faye was the only one who could make her smile. And I mean really smile. When you came back it was like we had Alice back. Our Alice. The girl who locked everyone out of school for an entire day, or staged a water gun fight that rivaled the civil war for her history project. The girl who was madly and completely in love with you Jasper Whitlock, and still is."

I was speechless. This wasn't Rosalie Hale. It couldn't be. The girl was the epitome of the word 'snarky' and sarcasm was her forte, surely my best friend hadn't turned soft on me.

"So why can't you just, tell the bitch what for and leave now?" Rosalie whispered, breaking my reverie. As she effectively proved to me that my friend was definitely in there still. Somewhere.

"She's pregnant." I murmured.

"No."

"I know..."

"No. I was saying she isn't pregnant." Rosalie said as she took another swig of her drink.

"Yes she is. I was with her when she took the test."

"Jasper, first of all. I'm pregnant. I've been like this three times. Maria, isn't pregnant." she shook her head of blonde curls as she looked me straight in the eye, her tone serious. "Second of all, those tests aren't always accurate. And besides, I've heard they sell fake ones online. They always turn out positive."

Rosalie stood up and tossed her now empty bottle into the trash can beside the door. Straightening her dress out she headed back toward the hallway without a glance back in my direction. It wouldn't have mattered if she had, I was too busy contemplating what she had said.

If Alice didn't hate me, then why had she said it was over? And I knew Maria had sunk to some pretty dangerous lows before, but faking a pregnancy to keep me? Would she really be that evil?

"Hey baby." I clenched my jaw and shut my eyes, refusing to look at the woman in front of me.

"Why aren't you in your tux?" I felt her hand slap my shoulder and I resisted the urge to tell her off.

"Sorry honey. I'll get right on it." I said in monotone as I stood up and left the kitchen, my eyes not once meeting hers. I needed time to think, and I couldn't do that with the source of my conflict standing right in front of me.

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Alice POV

"You ready?" Paul asked as he walked in the front door.

"Yeah, almost, just gotta coax Faye out from wherever she's hiding and get these bags out to the car."

"I'll take the bags for you..."

"Actually. I'm the last person Faye wants to see right now. So how about, I take the bags and you grab the child."

"Sure" Paul laughed as he headed up the stairs.

"She was in the back of her closet the last time I was in there but she might have migrated under her bed." I called as I picked up some suitcases off the top of our pile and headed out the door with them.

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Jasper POV

The tux was uncomfortable. The shirt was stiff and it scratched at my neck making it itchy. The tie was too tight and the cufflinks were incredibly too big. The cummerbund wasn't sitting right and the boutonniere pin was sticking into my skin. My hair, which had already begun to grow out despite my cutting it only two days ago, would not cooperate at all. I was antsy and in a bad mood, to say the least. Rosalie's words kept rerunning themselves through my head and I was powerless to stop them.

Suddenly, this didn't feel like such a noble thing to do. It felt ignorant and ridiculous. I couldn't marry someone I didn't love. I wanted the rest of my life to be shared with someone I loved and who loved me back. And I knew who that person was. The problem was, she wasn't the woman I would be waiting for at the end of that aisle.

I glanced nervously down at my watch as I slipped out of my bedroom and tried to walk, unnoticed, down the hallway to where Maria had set up camp. I knew she had made James sit outside the door to keep me away, but I also knew he had given up thirty minutes ago and went to look for some champagne. Or whatever else he could find that would put him out of his misery for a few hours. The nanny had been spared for the day as Carlisle and Esme had seen Conner and fallen in love with him immediately. I didn't even know if Victoria knew who had her son or not. And I was almost positive that she didn't care. I reached the door undetected and saw that it was open a crack. Glancing up and down the hallway and seeing that the coast was clear I sidled up to the door and peeked inside.

Maria stood on top of a small stool in front of a long mirror. Nettie was behind her fixing the train on the dress and Victoria was fixing the veil atop her head. She was in fact, beautiful, but she didn't do to me what Alice always had. She didn't hold my heart and I knew she never would. It wasn't fair to her or me to marry her when I knew that I could never love her like I should. Like a husband should. It would be cruel.

"So when are you going to tell him?" Lucy asked from where she sat on the bed, a thick magazine open in her lap.

"You mean I have to tell him?" Maria laughed. "I don't know when do you think is a good time to tell him that I have no job?"

"After the honeymoon. Definitely after the honeymoon." Nettie supplied.

"Yeah, a few blissful days in Cancun is just what I need." Maria sighed longingly.

"So are you planning on trying to get pregnant while you're in Cancun?"

My felt my jaw drop as I stared at Maria. She looked at Lucy as though she had sprouted another head and then directed Victoria to hand her something from the desk.

"Luce, we've been over this." Maria snapped as she took a tube of lipstick from her friend and opened it. "I can't get pregnant."

"But you told..."

"I know I told Jasper that you half-wit. You think he would have stayed any other way? God Lucy, you really need to grow a brain in that pretty little head of yours. Looks can't get you by on everything." Maria rolled her eyes and Victoria snickered. I felt the anger boil up inside of me.

"But why..." Lucy started again, ignoring the ribbing from her friends.

"I got my tubes tied Luce. When I was twenty."

"I wish I would have thought of that." Victoria said wistfully.

"Me too. God I hate this." Nettie growled. "And peeing on all those sticks for you was not my idea of fun. You owe me."

I couldn't take it anymore as my hand connected with the wood of the door, resounding with an deafening crack. All four girls jumped and Lucy and Nettie let out trilling screams. Maria's eyes widened as she took me in through the reflection of the mirror. Nettie and Victoria were speechless, their mouths slightly agape. And Lucy, as always, was clueless.

"Oh. It's just you Jasper. You scared me." Lucy laughed as she picked herself up from off the floor, straightening out her bridesmaid dress.

"You lying bitch." I snarled as I took three steps into the room.

"Jasper, wait. I can...I can explain."

"You can explain how you lied to me? How you made me think you were pregnant with my child, knowing full well that you can't even have kids?"

"It's not like that. It's..."

"It' s just like that Maria." I yelled. "Wedding's off. Get out of my house."

I turned on my heel as I loosed my tie, and left the room. I could hear Maria chasing after me, her dress swishing as she ran in her too high, high heels. I chuckled darkly as I reached the steps and took them two at a time. I knew she was behind me and a part of me wished she would fall down them head first. I didn't stop as I hung a quick right and headed down the hallway toward the backyard where the guests were all assembled. I knew I had to do this. And I decided the best way was like a band-aid. Just rip it off quickly before the pain could set in. I was fuming as I flung open the screen door and ran through the porch to where I could see heads slowly turning in my direction. I was angry as I stomped past James who was slumping in a chair towards the back of the yard, a bottle of amber liquid clutched tightly in his hand, his shirt already untucked.

"Jasper wait" Maria called and I stopped halfway up the aisle, turning back to look at her. "Please, don't do this."

She ran out in the yard, her fists clutching on to tufts of white dress, holding it up to avoid tripping over it. Shame.

"Don't do what Maria? Tell everyone that the wedding's off? That's it over? Or tell everyone here what a lying, evil, conniving whore you are? That you lied to me about carrying my baby so that I'd marry you? Cause I'm sure your guests would love to hear about that."

"Jasper baby." She cooed as she plastered a smile on her face and walked closer to me. "You really should stop trying to make jokes."

"If I were joking I wouldn't be telling you to fuck off, would I?" I growled as I turned around again.

"Jasper you can't do this." Maria wailed and I ignored her as I continued walking. "You son of a bitch turn around"

I felt something hard hit my head, hard, and I turned around slowly to see Maria with her dress still held up. One shoe on and one shoe laying at my feet. Rosalie was already out in the aisle, Emmett's hands on her shoulders, trying to hold her in place. By the look in her eyes that wouldn't be for very much longer.

"You can't just leave me on our wedding day." Maria snarled and I felt the corners of my mouth twitch as I realized that was exactly what I was doing. I didn't even dignify that with a response as I once again turned to head out of the gate in the back. "Where are you going to go Jasper? Back to that skank? The slut you knocked up in High School? Oh yeah, because what I did was so bad, at least I didn't actually have a child that no one wanted."

I froze with one foot in the air and clenched my fists tightly to my sides. I may be pissed but I wasn't going to punch my ex-fiancé. I could almost hear Maria's silent victory dance as she knew what she had said had finally affected me. But I was one step ahead.

"Yes, actually, I am going back to Alice. Before you can fuck up my life any more than you already have. I was an idiot. I see that now, but I'll be damned if I let you mess this up for me again. I'm going to go and try to win back the love of my life and it sure as hell isn't you."

"You'd better be quick man." Emmett said sullenly from where he held tight onto his snarling wife. "Alice left this morning for the airport in Amarillo. Her flight leaves at two."

"She's going?" I asked in disbelief and my heart sunk.

"Well what else was she supposed to do? You were getting married." Emmett said but this time, I couldn't help but notice the lack of hostility in his eyes. He looked less like he wanted to kill me, which was a start.

"Shit." I groaned as I felt my feeling of elation seep down.

I looked up to see a smirk on Maria's face. She thought she had won. Little did she know this round was far from over.

"Emmett? Let me borrow your car." He looked startled for a minute before finally letting go of Rosalie with one hand and reaching into his pocket and pulling out a key chain and tossing it to me. I caught it and took off running full hilt to the pasture behind our house where all the cars had been parked this morning. I reached the back gate and stopped, looking over my shoulder and smiling broadly at Maria.

"Let her go Emmett." I yelled.

"Are you insane?" He called back and I nodded my head as I watched him relent and let go of his wife.

If there was one thing I would always remember about Rosalie it was the time she had beaten the crap out of Tyler Crowley for looking up her skirt. I would never want to be against Rosalie and her right hook. I probably should have felt bad as I watched my best friend charge, but I couldn't. Not now, probably not ever.

"How about I show you what we do to people like you around here." I heard Rosalie scream as I barreled towards the car I knew was Rosalie and Emmett's. I had just slid into the driver's seat as Rose's fist connected with Maria's face and I could have sworn that even from forty feet away, I could see a tooth fly through the air. I didn't wait to see the rest as I sped off through the grass and onto the main road, Edward had his camera phone out, I could watch it later. I was on a mission now and according to the clock, I only had twenty minutes to stop Alice from leaving and taking the pieces of me with her. I pushed the throttle closer down to the floor, coaxing the red explorer to it's max. I had to make it. I couldn't lose her. Not again. And if I made it, I would do whatever it took to get her back.

A/N: What a waste of a perfectly good wedding dress. -sigh- Dare I say it? Poor Maria.
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Besos!