Cause and Effect

By GrumpyMagrat and Magratconvert

Disclaimer: We don't own the Thunderbirds. We wish we did, but it's just one of those dreams that will never come true. We do NOT make any money off this endeavor. It is just for our own pleasure, and (we hope) your enjoyment.

Chapter 26 – Guilt

An exhausted Virgil stepped from the sickroom. He found Scott, who had lost all track of time, sitting on the floor hanging his head. Scott's breathing was still ragged from his earlier emotional outburst. Virgil had been angry with Scott earlier, but now seeing him sitting on the floor so broken, his anger dissipated.

Virgil sat down on the floor next to Scott. "Scott, are you okay?" He asked wearily.

Scott just shook his head no.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Virgil offered.

Scott lifted his face to look at Virgil. Virgil could see that Scott's eyes were red rimmed from crying, and there was no mistaking the hitch in his voice when he asked. "Talk about what? How I killed our baby brother?"

Virgil sighed. "You didn't kill Alan. First off, Alan's not dead. Secondly, you weren't the one who pulled the trigger."

"No, I was just the one who drove him to such a drastic measure." Scott interrupted.

Virgil ran a hand over his face and looked away unable to respond.

"Go ahead," Scott continued. "Admit it. Everyone is blaming me, aren't they?" Scott paused for a moment and then continued. "Even you."

Virgil sighed. "I really don't know what drove Alan to do what he did. We all could see that he was acting strangely. Now, I'm not saying that what you did wasn't a mitigating circumstance in this equation, but maybe there was something that we did or didn't do that only compounded the problem. We just won't know until we can talk to Alan."

"But will we get a chance to ask him?" Scott questioned.

Virgil shook his head. "I don't know."

"But you did say that he was still alive." Scott said nervously. "What happened?"

"I'm not absolutely certain." Virgil admitted. "He started bleeding internally again. Brains was able to repair it and got his heart re-started. Unfortunately, during the time that his heart was stopped, his brain was deprived of oxygen. We don't know what kind of damage he has suffered."

Scott and Virgil were interrupted by Tin-Tin running down the hall with Grandma following at a slower pace. They could tell by her disheveled appearance that she had been woken up by grandma with the bad news.

Tin-Tin dropped to her knees in front of the two brothers. She took in Scott's tear-stained face and naturally assumed the worst. Hysterically, she began to rant. "He's dead, isn't he? I knew…"

Virgil jumped in to calm her. "No, Tin-Tin, he's not dead. I promise you. He had a close call, but we were able to get him back."

Tin-Tin visibly deflated as tears began to fall. "He's alive." She whispered. "I was so scared."

Virgil nodded. "It's okay Tin-Tin, we understand."

"No, you don't." Tin-Tin suddenly snapped in anger. "I want to see him. I need to see him. I know that I'm still contagious, but I'll do anything. I'll wear a mask and gloves. I'll even wear a full environmental suit if that's what it takes. I just have to see him."

Virgil gripped her shoulders. "All right Tin-Tin, calm down. I'll talk to Brains. I'm sure that we can work something out."

"Thank you Virgil." Tin-Tin replied a little breathlessly. "It's bad enough that he is hurt, but to not be able to see him, it's almost too much to bear."

Virgil gave her a comforting smile. "Don't worry, honey. Things will get better. I promise."

Tin-Tin shook her head slightly. "You really shouldn't make promises that you have no control over."

"Okay, you're right." Virgil replied. "So, let's call it a hunch."

Scott pulled himself together and stood up. "Well, now that things have calmed down at least for now, I'm going to head to the lounge. Even though they won't be back for at least an hour and a half, I need to call Thunderbird Three. I should tell them what has happened. Virgil, stay here and help Brains with anything that he needs. Tin-Tin, you may want to freshen up if you're going to see Alan. Grandma, can you sit with Alan until we work out a schedule where we all take turns?"

"Of course, Scott." Grandma replied as she headed into the sickroom, and Tin-Tin headed back to her room.

Once the women were out of earshot, Virgil asked Scott. "Are you going to tell dad what you said before Alan flat lined?"

Scott met Virgil's gaze. "Believe it or not, Virgil, I do intend to tell dad what I said. I'm done trying to hide my participation in all of this."

"That's good to hear." Virgil replied. "I'm gonna check in with Brains. I'll talk to you later."

Scott just nodded as Virgil re-entered the sickroom. He was really dreading making the call to his dad, but putting it off would only make it worse. He sighed heavily as he headed to the lounge to make the radio call.

Gordon sprinted out of Thunderbird Three as soon as it landed. Ever since the call came in from Scott, he had been pressing John to increase the speed of Thunderbird Three. He was nervous about what they would find when they got back to the Island, especially after Scott had asked to speak privately to Jeff. Gordon just knew that there was something more than that Alan took a turn for the worse. John pushed Three to her safety limit and did cut some time off the flight home.

Once Gordon left, John looked at his dad. "You can go ahead and go up to the sickroom. I can handle the post flight checks."

Jeff shook his head. "No, you can come up with me. The post flights can wait." John was about to argue, but Jeff cut him off. "Don't forget. I shut down International Rescue. That means that Three won't be needed any time soon. Come on. I know that you're just as worried about Alan as I am. Let's go up together."

John nodded. "You're right. It's just habit to do the checks as soon as we land. Yeah, let's go."

In a matter of minutes, Jeff and John entered the sickroom. Gordon was sitting next to Alan's bedside. He was holding Alan's hand and was quietly talking to him. Virgil stood at the end of the bed just watching his two younger brothers.

"Where's Brains?" Jeff asked after surveying the room.

Virgil turned around to face his father. "Dad…uhm…" He nodded towards the office off of the sickroom. "He's in his office." He stumbled over his words.

Jeff noticed the stress in Virgil's voice. "Are you okay, son?"

Virgil sighed heavily. "Yeah, it's just been a rough day, but I'll survive."

Jeff nodded. "How's Alan?"

"He's still critical." Virgil replied. "But he at least seems to be stable at the moment."

Jeff sighed. "All right, I'll be right back. I want to check in with Brains."

Jeff knocked on the door and opened the door after hearing a muffled "Come in" from Brains. When he entered the room, he saw Brains sitting at his desk scanning page after page on the computer. "Hello, Brains" Jeff said.

"Mr. T-T-Tracy," Brains said simply as he gave Jeff a passing glance and went back to his reading.

Jeff sat down in a chair in front of Brains' desk. "Scott said that you had to do another surgery on Alan…that he had flat-lined. Can you tell me what happened?"

Brains stared at the computer screen, but he stopped reading. Jeff could see the tension radiating from him. Jeff's first instinct was to press Brains, but he knew from experience that he needed to give Brains the time to collect his thoughts.

Finally, Brains turned to face Jeff across the desk. "It's m-m-my f-f-fault." He said with guilt lacing his voice.

This was the last thing that Jeff expected to hear. "What do you mean? You saved his life."

Brains began to fidget with the various items on his desk. Jeff waited for Brains to continue, but when Brains turned back to his computer, he knew that he had to push.

"Brains," Jeff began. "Talk to me. What is going on? Tell me what is bothering you. What does that have to do with Alan?"

Brains turned away from his computer and removed his glasses from his face. He ran a hand over his face and began to speak, but he refused to look Jeff in the eyes. "I m-m-made a m-m-mistake in the first s-s-surgery. I'm r-resp-sp-sponsible for h-h-his c-c-cardiac arrest."

Jeff shook his head. "I don't understand. What mistake?"

Brains sighed and finally looked at Jeff. His stutter became more pronounced as he tried to explain. "O-o-one of the st-st-stitches that I p-p-put in the a-a-aorta d-didn't hold. A-A-Alan b-b-began to bl-bl-bleed int-t-ternally a-a-again. Th-th-that's what c-c-caused his c-c-cardiac a-arrest. I-I-I'm the o-o-one r-r-responsible for th-th-the added d-d-damage."

Jeff leaned forward a bit. "Just what kind of damage are we talking about?"

Brains shook his head again and paused a moment. "I-I-I'm n-n-not sure. H-h-his heart w-w-was st-st-stopped for al-al-almost f-f-four m-m-minutes. I c-c-couldn't d-do CPR and r-r-repair the t-t-torn aorta at the s-same t-t-time. D-d-during that t-t-time h-his br-br-brain was d-d-deprived of o-o-oxygen. H-h-he is b-b-bound to h-h-have br-brain d-d-damage. I j-j-just w-won't kn-know how s-s-severe until h-h-he w-w-wakes up…if h-he w-w-wakes up."

"If?!" Jeff exclaimed. "Are you saying that Alan may never wake up?" He demanded, fear evident in his voice. "That he could die?"

"I d-d-don't know." Brains said in frustration. "I-I-I'm d-d-doing every th-th-thing that I c-c-can, b-b-but I just d-d-don't know."

Jeff forced himself to calm down. "Okay, what can we do?"

Brains responded to Jeff's calmer voice by calming down some. "I'm t-t-trying a tr-treatment of a m-m-medically in-induced coma and b-b-body cooling m-m-measures for tw-twenty four h-h-hours. Hopefully, I c-c-can protect h-h-his brain from f-f-further damage."

"Do you think that it will work?" Jeff asked.

Brains shrugged. "It w-w-works well enough f-f-for the m-m-medical community to c-c-continue using it, b-b-but it doesn't w-w-work on everyone."

"Is there anything else that we can do?" Jeff pressed.

Brains turned back towards the computer. "I've b-b-been r-r-researching other p-p-possible therapies, but I w-w-won't know if any of th-them will w-w-work until after we st-st-start warming Alan b-b-back up, and I c-c-can assess his c-c-condition."

Jeff nodded. "Okay Brains, keep me informed of his condition."

"Of c-c-course, Mr. Tracy." Brains replied.

Jeff stood and headed towards the door but then paused. "I'd like to have a family meeting, but that means that you would need to sit with Alan. Would an hour be enough time for you to finish your research or should I make it two?"

"An hour is f-f-fine." Brains replied.

Jeff gave Brains an uneasy smile. "Thanks, Brains."

An hour later, the family headed to the lounge to meet with Jeff. He was already at his desk as the boys entered the lounge one by one.

Gordon was the last one to arrive after being forced to leave the sickroom. "I'm sorry that I'm late." He mumbled as he sat down on the couch next to Tin-Tin while John sat on the other side of her.

"That's okay." Jeff replied as he glanced around the room. His mother sat in a chair near his desk. Virgil sat in a chair near the couch, but Scott stood with his back to the family starring out the windows overlooking the ocean. "Scott, would you care to join us?"

Scott turned to face his father, but he didn't move away from the window. "I can hear you from here."

"Okay," Jeff sighed as he moved around to the front of his desk. He sat partially on the edge of his desk. Clearing his throat, he began speaking. "I talked to Brains earlier about Alan's condition. His condition is critical. Brains has him in a medically induced coma. He is hoping to limit the extent of the brain damage with this treatment."

John leaned forward and rested his arms on his knees. "So Brains feels that there is some brain damage?"

Virgil answered John's question. "His heart was stopped for almost four minutes, during that time his brain wasn't getting any oxygen. There's bound to be damage."

"Why didn't you do something about that?" Gordon asked. "CPR? Or anything?"

Virgil sighed. "He was bleeding from his aorta. If we had done CPR, he would have continued to bleed each time his heart was pumped."

"But…" Gordon began to argue.

Jeff cut him off. "I trust Brains, but even he can't perform miracles. I'm sure that he did what he thought was best. We will know more once he brings Alan out of the coma."

"What if he can't bring Alan out of the coma?" Gordon questioned.

Jeff shook his head. "We will just have to deal with it if that happens."

Grandma looked at Gordon. "Don't you worry, dear. Alan is a Tracy. He's tough. He'll get through this."

Gordon nodded. "I hope you're right Grandma."

"I know I am." Grandma replied confidently. "We just have to remain positive. Right, Jeff?"

Jeff sighed. "Well, it certainly couldn't hurt." Jeff paused for a moment and reached behind him and grabbed a piece of paper off his desk. "This is the note that he left for John. Now, John has obviously already read this, and I think the rest of you should hear it too. We probably will never understand fully why Alan decided to…well anyways, I feel that you should know what he said. Openness about out feelings will help us through this time."

Jeff cleared his throat again as he began to read the letter.

"Dear John,

First off, I want to apologize for what I've done. I have no idea how long it will be before dad sends you back here, so I don't know how long it has been since…well, you know.

I don't know how my actions were received by the family. I know this sounds selfish, but there is a part of me that hopes that you are saddened by my death, but I do understand if you guys feel relief instead. I want you to know that I didn't make this decision easily. I'm going to try to explain my reasoning, and I hope that you guys can forgive me.

I want you to understand that I don't blame anyone. I'm the one responsible for my own actions. I can understand why nobody trusts me. I don't have a stellar track record which finally culminated in your injury. I guess you could say that it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I know this is going to sound funny, but I want to thank you and Scott. You two told me in no uncertain terms how you felt about me. Which was better than the hidden innuendoes that I got from dad, (If you're reading this, and I'm sure that you will, I do understand that you were just trying to spare my feelings.) or overhearing it like I did with Gordon and Virgil. (I'm not trying to blame them either. Since they didn't know that I was there, they were just being honest about their feelings.)"

"Wait a minute." Virgil broke in. "I'm confused. Gordon, do you know what he is talking about? What conversation did he overhear?"

Gordon gave Virgil a guilty look. "I don't know for sure. The only time I can think of is when we were in the storeroom gathering the repair items."

Virgil groaned and ran his hands through his hair. "Oh God, that puts his fainting spell in a whole new light."

"And his attitude afterwards, too." Gordon added.

Jeff raised an eyebrow. "Anyone care to fill me in?"

"It's my fault." Virgil began. "I was questioning Gordon about if Alan's remorse was sincere."

"No, it was my fault." Gordon countered. "I was the one who said that we should force him to leave the Island after hurting John."

"You what?!" John asked in a shocked voice.

Virgil jumped in to defend Gordon. "It's not like how it sounds. He was being sarcastic to show me what an idiot I was being."

"Obviously, Alan didn't see it that way." Gordon added. "God, I'm such an idiot."

"You can't think like that." John said quietly. "You didn't know that he was there. He doesn't blame you, so you can't blame yourself either."

"John's right." Jeff said. "Trying to place blame on anyone is not going to help the situation. Now, let me finish the letter and we can talk some more then."

The three brothers involved in the conversation nodded to their father and waited for him to continue.

"I can understand your mistrust of me because I don't even trust myself. Unfortunately, trust is an important aspect of our jobs. Without it, we can't function as an effective team. Since it is me that can't be trusted, I'm endangering you guys each time we go out on a rescue. That is a risk that I'm no longer willing to take. I have no choice but to quit International Rescue, but I can't stay on the Island though, watching my family going out on rescues, endangering their lives for people that they don't even know.

I know you probably won't understand my feelings right now, but I can't do that. It would just be too hard. So I am faced with a decision. The two obvious choices are unacceptable to me. I love my family too much to endanger your lives, but that love also makes it unbearable to even think about moving away and trying to live a 'normal' life elsewhere. That leaves me with only one other option…an unthinkable, desperate option. I made the decision to take my own life. It was my choice. No one else is to blame. No matter what people said or did, the ultimate decision was mine. I am the only one responsible. I made the decision, and I feel it was the correct one. This way I know you will be safe from me. If my death causes the family pain, just know that your pain will also fade in time. Eventually, you will come to realize that this was the best for everyone.

If you want to share this letter with the rest of the family, feel free to do so. However, if you choose not to, please tell the rest of the family that I love them and that I don't blame anyone and they shouldn't either. (Remember, I know you guys too well. I know how you think.) Anyways, I don't know if this letter made any sense to you, but I hope that it at least helps to ease any guilt. Please remember that I love you all.

Alan"

Jeff refolded the letter. He looked out at the family. "Well, does anyone want to say anything?"

John just shook his head.

Virgil sighed heftily. "Well, that explains a few things, but it doesn't really help ease the guilt."

"You can say that again." Gordon added. "How did we miss how badly he was feeling? I mean, I know he was shutting us out, and we all knew that he was upset because of that. But this? Were we really that blind to Alan's feelings?"

Jeff shook his head slightly. "I could give you all a series of sympathetic platitudes. 'Alan was hiding his true feelings. We were worried about John's injury. We were extra busy with International Rescue.' But those are just excuses. The fact of the matter is: we missed it. We all did, myself included."

"So what do we do now?" Gordon asked.

"We prove to Alan that we do love and, more importantly, that we trust him." Jeff began. "When he wakes up, we need to work at repairing the hurt that had occurred whether it was a misunderstanding or not. We have to break through the emotional barrier that he has erected."

"Is there anything that we can do before he wakes up?" Virgil questioned.

Jeff ran a hand through his hair. "Well, there is evidence that people in comas can hear people talking around them. So, when you're in the sickroom with Alan, talk positively. Tell him that you love him and want him to get better. Give him the encouragement that he needs to fight to get better."

A hush fell over the room as the individual family members got lost in their own thoughts. After a few moments, Jeff cleared his throat and said. "Well, if there is nothing else, I made up a schedule for us to sit with Alan." He grabbed some papers off his desk and began to hand them to his sons. "Let me know if you have a problem with your scheduled times."

"Mr. Tracy?" Tin-Tin spoke up. "I would like a scheduled time also."

Jeff shook his head. "No, I'm sorry. You can visit Alan for short times with Brains' permission, but until you are over your cold completely, I want you to limit your exposure."

Tin-Tin nodded her head although her face showed that she wasn't completely happy about it.

Jeff looked around. "Well, if there are no problems, you are free to leave. John, you're first in the sickroom."

"Right, Dad." John replied as he stood up.

Jeff moved back around his desk and sat down as the others began to leave the lounge. He opened his e-mail account. He wasn't in the mood to do business, but he needed to do something to keep his mind busy. As he read down the list of new e-mails, he got the feeling that he was not alone. He looked around and saw Scott standing at the window looking out again. "Scott?" He called to his son.

Scott didn't respond at first.

Jeff tried again. "Scott, is there a problem?"

Scott turned slightly. "I need to speak to you, but I don't know how you will respond."

Jeff sighed. He really didn't want to fight again with Scott about Alan, but he didn't want to put it off either. Motioning to the chair in front of the desk, he said. "Come and have a seat, and we'll talk."

Scott crossed the room and sat in the chair. He opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it without saying a word.

Jeff watched Scott as he nervously clenched and unclenched his fists. "Scott, is this about Alan?" He asked.

Scott shook his head. "No, this is about me. I need to resign from International Rescue."

Author's Note - Okay, here we go again. Why does Scott want to resign? Is it because of guilt? Will Jeff be able to talk him out of it? Does Jeff want to talk him out of it? Are the other brothers feeling like Scott? Is their guilt eating away at them? Also, how long will Alan be in the coma? How much brain damage will there be? We are leaving you with a lot of unaswered questions. (Please don't kill us.)

Again, we want to thank everyone who reviewed our last chapter. We do appreciate them. We hope you enjoyed this one also. Thanks again to all our readers and reviewers.