A/N:
1)Sincere thanks for reviews and all the encouragement goes to: Dragons redemption, Just as it is, Auluna, Rokkis, BMMGoldenEye, EternityInYourArms, dragonsheart8261920, JannaKalderash, tmmdeathwishraven, Lancaeriel Peredhil, Touch of the Wind, cara-tanaka, Basia Orci, Mel, Lokke, StarkObsessed, EbonyWing, kaszz-chan, peppymint, Miravisu, sam, HowlynMad, aikenichi11, The Iza, noukinav0018, knightessjg, Laelwen, Edna Pests, BlackWolf 2013, Left Sock Waltz, Ryukapple, Scyllaya, AnnaDruvez, paradoxicalforger, Harlequin Jade, simply anonymous, Mimi MC, Beloved Daughter, AquaBurst, NIGHTSCREAM, GiantBunnyRabbit, graadlon, RoaringFall, anne192, Abandon-Morality, and PurpleMoon3. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.
Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.
2) I apologise for the long wait and I also apologize to anyone waiting for updates on Ouroboros or Heart of the Storm, they will be coming along ASAP. This chapter does not cover as much material as I had hoped but it is a big one and after four rewrites I think I have finally done it justice (let's hope that is a correct asessment).
3) On a more personal note I have also spent a week trying - and failing- to save one of my pet hens (yes, chickens can make very sweet and intelligent pets) from a cetain death due to reproductive malfunction (all the Vet could do for her was keep her comfortable as much as was possible).
Really, whatever one thinks about the undeniable ethical issues intrinsic to genetic-engineering, I cannot help but feel that the agressive policy of selective-breeding-for-productivity which we humans have so thoughtlessly engaged in since domesticating animals is perhaps far worse as it has entirely wrecked the genetic hardiness of these species, dooming the majority of their members to a miniscule lifespan that usually ends miserably (and that's not even counting the horrors of factory farming...)
Anyway, if I tried to write then, I'd have only churned out another tragedy so I stayed away.
4) And on another note entirely, I had been in the past dabbling on an (entirely seperate) Iron Man fic involving a female OC who starts out with a Vanko-esque grudge against Tony Stark but ends up realizing that he is not what she expected at all and eventualy falls for him instead. I know something vaguely like this has been done by a couple others but mine will be different. Anyways, the project remained abandoned for a long time, untill I recently read the "Iron Man: Rapture" story arc which was beautiful and tragic and all those things that tend to make a story unforgettable... point is, it provided new direction for that abandoned fic which I have started thinking about working on again.
The tentative plan is for it to be set sometime after Iron Man 2, move into the Avengers timeline and eventually into the Rapture timeline, but with hopefully a happier ending (despite my track record thus far with my one standalone Iron Man fic being a tragedy too).
Where I do need help is with a name for her. I have a list of possible ones, but since I have a hard time writing for a character unless I find a name that seems to fit, I'm very picky about names and adding to the fact that I suck at finding any, I have yet to find one that feels right in my fussy head!
So if anyone has any suggestions, I'd be very grateful! (even if I cannot use them they're probably fantastic suggestions and I'd still be very grateful). If it helps, she starts out as a person with some really serious issues and grudges, has been a mercenary for hire in the past and is fairly well-versed in combat, trusts no-one and cares for no-one, is stubborn and abrasive as hell, but also can be very perceptive and when she eventually does fall in love, she does it very very completely. Got any names that might fit?
5) Have I bored you all to death by now? Sorry...
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Finally Loki gets the reaction he had been expecting all along – or at least the start of it. Tony stiffens almost imperceptibly, his pupils dilate and his breathing speeds up – all manifestations of the normal instinctual fight-or-flight response, albeit well controlled.
It does not last for more than a few seconds before vanishing entirely when Tony blinks….hard… twice, and then – likely upon registering that the sight before him has not changed, asks, in a tone that seems little more than surprised and somewhat disbelieving:
"JARVIS, please tell me my cat didn't just turn into a person."
Apparently JARVIS is busy running calculations of his own, or perhaps more likely checking his sensors, because it takes him a full three seconds - a long time where the computer is concerned – to reply, though when he does, it is with the usual wry sarcasm, a fact that tells Loki that JARVIS at least is not too unnerved by this new information: "Certainly, sir. Would you like me to ascertain the truth of that statement first?"
Despite the at-minimum awkward situation, Tony chuckles, replying: "Never mind, JARVIS, I get the point."
And despite the tension forming a knot in his chest, Loki cannot help but smile slightly again when he sees the mortal's gaze narrow slightly, as his expression shifts from surprise to intense scrutiny – and even without asking, Loki just knows that Tony is likely crunching numbers in his head to calculate exactly how much energy would need to be used to generate enough extra matter to take on a human-like form.
Loki sighs lightly as he opts for sitting down on the couch, albeit as far from Tony as the furniture will allow, and simply waits for the mortal to make the next move – something that seems unlikely to happen any time soon, as Tony is clearly still deep in thought.
Uncharacteristically, Loki is unsure of himself, and unsure of why he has not yet seen in the mortal any of the expected anger, fear and betrayal that he'd felt were inevitable.
He sighs again, musing that perhaps he should not be that surprised – after all since when did Tony ever follow the normal rules anyway – but the thought brings little relief, because it serves as a reminder of why Tony is so precious to him….. and how much he stands to lose in this moment.
When Tony finally turns, shifting slightly so he does not have to crane his neck as far to see his former cat, there is still no trace of the expected emotions in his eyes, but the guardedness within them burns deep into Loki's chest, because it has never been there before when the mortal looked at him…. and Loki feels his heart clench painfully as he cannot help but think that perhaps all hope is already lost.
Tony hesitates for a long moment before speaking, as if searching for the right words, and when he finally finds them, his voice is resigned and weary:
"You never really had the mentality of a cat, did you?"
Loki does not bother answering what is already more a statement than a question, yet his silence is apparently answer enough, because he finally sees hurt break through the guardedness in the mortal's dark gaze before Tony turns away, and hears the subtle but unmistakable accusation in the mortal's tone as he says quietly:
"Why didn't you show yourself sooner?"
In seconds, Loki's mind has already supplied at least three believable alibis, a default behavior designed to shield him from being hurt, but despite the part of him which feels that lying is the best choice in a situation which can hurt him so deeply in the – inevitable perhaps – worst case scenario, Loki dismisses them, and opts for the truth, saying softly:
"At first because I couldn't…. and then when it was possible… I finally had a place where I belonged, and I didn't want to lose that."
Upon hearing these words, the mortal's gaze flickers back to him and softens, perhaps because he too knows what it is like to never entirely belong….. but then the mortal looks away again, tension seeping back into his frame, and takes a series of measured breaths in an effort to calm himself which does not seem to working.
Loki knows that whatever Tony will say next will be some kind of deflection, so it should not matter…. but it is not the half-formed apologies about excessive handling and the use of a litter box that do somehow manage to…. hurt. Instead it is the mortal's dilated pupils and fast breathing…. it is the subtle but unmistakable tension in the mortal's form, and the excessive nervous hand-gestures that Tony never makes when he is calm… and for all that Loki wishes that this inevitable destruction of the mortal's trust in him could have been somehow averted, he cannot lie to himself about this – it will only hurt him more when his own dream castle collapses yet again – so he simply sighs, trying to ignore the feeling of his heart being crushed within his chest, and attempts to find some solace in the fact that this much perhaps was inevitable.
Suddenly the crushing pain constricting his heart evaporates as he looks beyond his own hurt at the mortal – really looks at him…. and realizes that this is not the Tony Stark who had found the strength though his helplessness and horror to glare at his betrayer and would-be-killer when Stane had ripped the arc-reactor from his chest….. and this is not the Tony Stark who'd been defenseless without his armor and had still found the courage to go up against a heavily armed Vanko on that racetrack, even knowing that he could not possibly hope to win that fight.
No, this is another kind of fear entirely…. it's not the normal fear of death or injury that Tony has had to face so many times and always conquered. It is the fear of making himself truly vulnerable, of shedding the emotional armor that he has for so long grown around his human heart in a futile effort to protect it from the cruel world.
Now that Loki has emerged from the trap of his own preconceptions and fears - one perhaps he should have never fallen into because really, since when does Tony ever react like normal people do - he finally feels like he can breathe again, like he has everything he wants and everything he needs…. because this is the Tony who had gone to see Pepper for one last time, whose grace and confidence had disintegrated as he'd struggled to open his heart to her knowing that it was his last chance…. and though Tony is not trying to open up in this moment, this is more painful for the mortal in some ways…. harder to deal with because it is too late: he knows that he already unwittingly opened up too far and too completely to be able to protect himself now.
Tony had never tried to let his guard down with Loki – he had never felt the need to hide as long as Loki was a cat, because he had implicitly trusted him just as he trusted his robots…. but now that Loki knows everything about him, Tony knows that the heart he has so carefully kept hidden from the world is laid bare before a person he'd never realized could understand…. and that emotional openness…. that vulnerability that exposes the one facet of his soul where he can truly be broken…. is the one thing in all of this that the mortal clearly is not prepared to deal with.
Finally, Loki smiles - a gesture which cuts off Tony's increasingly ungainly apologies as if he has thrown a switch, probably because the mortal knows too well that his …. former-cat…. sees right through all of them – and in that moment he knows that the mortal has become more precious to him than ever before, because Tony had not even batted an eye when he realized that his cat could have transformed him into an ice-sculpture, and he'd been fascinated - not afraid - of the power Loki had demonstrated just by changing into his Aesir form, even though he should have been.
No…. Tony had not feared Loki, only himself – his own fragile human heart which he is only now slowly, painfully even, learning to open up to those closest to him…. and in this moment, Loki wants nothing more than to pull the mortal close and comfort him, just as he'd been comforted so many times as a cat, when he'd felt completely shattered inside.
Loki does not move though. He knows that with all the mortal's emotional armor stripped away, Tony feels everything with a raw openness, and it would be only too easy to hurt him… so instead he says softly, patiently:
"It's okay, Tony…. Don't explain…. It may seem strange but I do understand what you're feeling right now."
The tension recedes from the mortal's form, but it is resignation rather than relaxation that replaces it. Instead of looking at Loki, Tony braces his elbows on his knees, bending forward as he rests his forehead on his clasped hands, closing his eyes…. and despite all the times Loki has seen the mortal trapped and broken and betrayed and hopeless…. he's certain that he's never seen Tony look this vulnerable. The only difference from a few minutes prior is that Tony has given up trying to hide the fact.
So Loki presses on, still speaking softly, despite the nagging fear within him that by doing so he too is making himself vulnerable, he too is opening up his heart and taking a chance that terrifies him….. because he knows that after everything, Tony deserves this much:
"You keep so much of yourself buried inside where no-one else will ever see it…. and I know what that's like because just like you I've done exactly that for most of my life, so completely that even those closest to me never understood what I felt – they never saw when I was hurting, they never understood when I needed them …. they never were there for me when I was crumbling under a burden I was trying to bear alone… and just like with you, it hurt me more than anything else ever could…"
There is no response save for the mortal swallowing thickly between measured breaths, and Loki presses on, weary and regretful yet needing to do this all the same:
"But unlike you, I couldn't find the strength within me to keep believing in them – keep loving them…. the strength to choose to believe that their actions were the product of a lack of understanding – not love…. the strength to choose to forgive them as you have….
Instead eventually I let my pain become bitterness and my resentment become hate….. I reached the point where I wanted to hurt them…. I did hurt them…."
His voice breaks and he takes a few measured breaths of his own to calm himself, fighting back the memories that rise up unbidden in his mind, the crushing pain of seeing his brother laying dead by his own hand, the self-loathing that eats at him now because then he had not grieved …. and he knows he's never been more grateful for the powers he'd once envied because they are the reason Thor is alive.
Reminding himself that one way or another he will have to face Thor, as well as his own actions toward the Thunderer…. but not today, Loki studies Tony once more, sighing as he sees the slight tightening of the mortal's jaw which he knows is still not from fear – even if it should be – and knows as he sees the mortal swallow hard that he's hurting inside…..
Perhaps Loki should be confused by the fact that his words – his regrets – seem to rekindle in the mortal the ever-present pain that burns silently within him, because Tony has never done the things that Loki regrets – because even when Pepper had essentially abandoned him to his fate and desolation and Rhodey had betrayed him, he'd never once hurt either of them, even when it had come down to either him or Rhodey having to die in a fight that still sometimes haunts Loki's dreams….. But emotions are never that simple, never that precise…. and paradoxically it makes sense, because Loki knows about the many regrets that haunt the mortal, the mistakes that were not even his own but he still feels responsible for – and even though it is not logical for Tony to feel so much pain and regret for things he'd never willingly caused, even though these feelings eat at him deep down inside where they are hidden from view, eroding slowly his life, Loki cannot find it in himself to condemn that so self-destructive trait, knowing that it is part of what makes Tony the…. special, complicated, and unique person that he is.
Loki smiles sadly, even though Tony who still has his eyes closed will never know that he has, and simply watches the mortal before him, thinking of the fact that for all that the world believed Tony Stark to be a man who cared only for himself, it was only a cruel testament to their collective blindness – because he knows the mortal, knows the bitter beautiful truth that Tony had always cared – far too much, and for far too many things…. and that for all his sacrifices, for all that he stretched himself thin trying to make everything better for an entire world, that world stayed oblivious to it all.
Finally he breaks the thick silence, still speaking softly to the mortal:
"But then fate brought me to your side… and in my time with you…. you can't know how much you've taught me. You can't know how much you've given me."
Tony sighs quietly, and Loki remembers the mortal's broken admission, one night when he'd come home from a mission with a few physical injuries and emotional ones that ran far deeper…. remembers Tony telling him that no matter how hard he tries he can never make things right because innocents still die and he can't save everyone….. and edging closer to Tony, he says in a tone that is softer than before, if that was even possible:
"You told me once that if you save one person you've saved the world…."
Clearly Tony remembers that conversation all too well, because finally…. finally he turns his head to meet Loki's gaze, lowering his still clasped hands as he smiles sadly – bitterly, really – saying in a voice that is so weary it borders on broken:
"I also told you it isn't true."
Loki cannot help but smile a little at the irony of it all as he replies gently but firmly: "It is in this case."
Knowing that he has Tony's attention when the mortal does not look away, he continues with an admission that as painful as it is truthful:
"When I came to this realm – to your world – I'd vowed to subjugate it…. to seek revenge on my family by making myself their worst nightmare. To earn their hate since I believed I never had their love and never would….
I believed that I was destined to be a monster, and decided that since it was all I could ever be, I might as well do it properly."
He tries to keep his voice from breaking as he continues, suppressing a shudder:
"…You would have risen against me to protect your world…. And I would have killed you without a single regret…
By taking me in, you made yourself such an easy target..."
The mortal does not say anything to that, does not react physically, but there is a tired understanding in the mortal's eyes instead of any form of resentment…. and Loki feels his heart ache, even as part of him finds comfort in this which he needs more than anything.
Taking another calming breath, Loki continues, bitterness leaking into his otherwise level tone:
"I would have achieved everything I came for, I would have had this world at my feet and revenge on everyone who'd ever hurt me….. And in the end …. with all that, I'd have been alone – unloved and unlovable for all eternity."
He smiles slightly – and entirely genuinely, finishing softly:
"You saved me from that fate – and in so doing you saved your world…. probably mine as well."
In the mortal's expression, Loki sees confusion mixing with the raw vulnerability which still has not been eased away by any of his words, so rather than putting it off any longer, he takes a chance, addressing what he knows is at the root of that emotion, saying gently:
"In my time with you, I've seen you at your most broken and hurt and hopeless, I've seen you fight against impossible odds and manage to somehow come out on top, I've shared with you the burning passion with which you live…. and I've also watched you shatter inside more and more each day as everything in your life crumbled and slipped through your fingers just like your life that was running out…. and it's nothing to be ashamed of, Tony…. because through all this, you taught me to feel again."
Stricken is the best way to describe the mortal's expression before he finally breaks eye-contact and looks away…. and now Loki falls silent, sitting back as he waits for Tony to make the next move when he is ready – because after bleeding all these painful truths out, after making himself this open and vulnerable, and dredging up memories that taken together are crushing him with guilt…. he feels too broken to do anything other than wait.
It's been so long since he wished for revenge at any cost, and that future now will never unfold, yet he cannot stop thinking about himself as another Vanko – he cannot stop seeing Tony lying dead with the mortal's blood covering his hands…. and admitting these facts to himself all together feels as if he has swallowed a poison which is seeping through his veins and drawing ever closer to crushing his heart.
When Tony breaks the silence with a simple question – a normal question given that this is their first meeting in a way, Loki knows that the mortal is trying to put him at ease::
"Since we've never been properly introduced, who are you, really…. I mean what's your name?"
With anyone else it would have been a good start, but it does little to assuage the conflict brewing within Loki as inevitably he cannot help but recall his own question "What am I?" and the chaos into which he'd spiraled under the horrifying weight of the truth. When he meets the mortal's gaze however, and sees that it finally, thankfully, shows less of the raw vulnerability that had haunted it before, while still not having become closed off and guarded, he feels like he can breathe a little easier, and savoring the brief opportunity for amusement, Loki replies blandly: "Loki, actually – your choice was quite fortuitous indeed."
Tony's shocked expression is priceless, as is the enormous amused grin it morphs in to as Loki finishes with: " – and before you ask, at some point in time, some mortals in this realm did know me as the God of Mischief."
Loki sighs as he remembers the other myths about him – erroneous as they were about practically everything – including the one about Ragnarok… and again he is amazed by Tony's perceptiveness, as the mortal's amusement fades away in response to Loki's own somber mood.
He sighs bitterly as he speaks though a brittle smile which feels like the only thing he can hope to do in order not to crumble right there and then: "Those mortals also believed I'd be the one to bring about Ragnarok – the destruction of all worlds….. Apparently in that much they weren't entirely wrong."
Tony should pull away now that he knows this. Instead he leans closer, placing a gentle hand on Loki's armored wrist, and as Loki turns, inexorably drawn to meet the mortal's dark gaze which is still so open, Tony says softly, gently…. honestly:
"You're not a monster, Loki…. no matter what people have said."
Perhaps Loki should feel better, because after all, Tony knows better than anyone how little public opinion is worth…. but it's never been what haunted Loki's thoughts and dreams anyway, and his answer is weary:
"I know…. I never placed any value on myths, humans can have such a wild imagination at times…. I thought of myself as a monster because of this…."
Taking the necessary few seconds to cloak his activities, Loki pulls away from the mortal's touch and retrieves the casket from the inter-dimensional pocket where he has it stored, but this time he does not use it…. he only holds tightly to it, feeling the cold seeping through his veins – and tries not to think of what had ensued after the last time he had touched this weapon…. finally setting it down and turning to see the mortal's reaction to his true appearance.
If Tony were anyone else, Loki would have expected horror and revulsion…. but he is not, and Loki does not know what to expect, does not dare give in to his hopes or fears this once.
Somehow, when Tony's expression shows nothing but an honest fascination, it still manages to surprise Loki enough that he continues the explanation he'd left forgotten:
"… this is what I am in reality…. everything else is just a mask…. a lie."
Perhaps the red gaze that should strike terror into the mortal's heart – and clearly does not – somehow shows the anguish he cannot help but feel inside, even though for so long he felt that he'd come to terms with all this, because the mortal leans forward, reaching out to gently trace the line of Loki's jaw with a fingertip as he holds Loki's gaze and says softly: "You're beautiful."
Those two words strike deep – too deep perhaps – and it is hard for Loki to suppress the reflex to wryly question if the mortal is hitting on him, knowing that it's the furthest thing in this realm from the truth.
It's obvious really, Tony said the words in the same tone that he had used when JARVIS had projected his new element, albeit with far more gentleness…. he means them in the most honest and innocuous way imaginable - even if the world would call it an impossibility – and Loki knows that if he asks a question he knows is a lie – if he treats the mortal as if given all this time he still does not understand him, he'll drive the mortal's defenses back up and make him pull away… and it would be so very much easier than letting himself feel this deeply and be this vulnerable….. but is he willing to pay that price?
When Loki finishes sorting out his own internal conflict and looks again at the mortal, he registers that it is Tony's turn to realize the awkwardness of the situation – if, to borrow a Midgardian expression, the mortal's 'deer in headlights' look is anything to go by.
Loki suppresses a smile, unsure of how to diffuse the tension that has surrounded them, even as he cannot help but be amused at the fact that Tony's action is really no different from what he did when Loki was a cat and had tapped into the casket….. but with Loki not being a cat anymore … things are strange to say the least…. too strange for Loki to know how to put the mortal at ease.
It turns out he does not need to, because suddenly the uncertainty in Tony's expression vanishes, replaced again by open fascination as he notices that the blue of Loki's skin is fading away, rapidly near the warmth of his own touch – and he murmurs "Amazing" as he shifts closer and clasps Loki's hands within his own, watching intently as Loki's previous appearance slowly returns.
Loki closes his eyes, feeling the mortal's warmth seeping through his veins and chasing away the cold, something that is oddly comforting for all that the cold cannot hurt him, and when he opens them again, watching the mortal who is sitting now so close to him … entirely defenseless and yet so peaceful…. his breath catches in his throat, because this is more than he could have ever hoped for…. and he cannot help but look up to meet the mortal's gaze with his own still-red eyes, and ask in a tone that is haunted and on the verge of breaking:
"Doesn't it bother you…. that this is what I am?"
Loki knows that in this moment, he looks vulnerable… desperate even, for all that he tries so hard to hide it …. and for a fraction of a second, part of him wonders if Tony will shrug it off, make some semi-humorous comment in a mistaken attempt to break the tension….. maybe part of him even wishes for it because it would be so much easier to just go with the mortal's defensive reflexes and not have to deal with emotions that are so raw.
Instead of absorbing and deflecting – in the mortal's own words – Tony's hold only tightens slightly in a protective way…. and he replies reassuringly: "No, Loki…."
Those same two words that had once broken him inside coming from another have an entirely different effect on Loki now, and unlike last time when he'd let go…. this time he only holds tighter.
The mortal smiles wryly, adding with a slight shrug:
"Clearly you're not human – humans don't turn into cats – so why should it bother me if you don't look human?"
Loki sighs lightly – it is a valid point but far too simple – and maybe Tony knows his words don't have the desired effect, because he presses on, entirely serious now:
"You saved Pepper's life, and very likely mine as well….."
In response, this time Loki smiles wearily, knowing that Tony's gratitude is real, but that the truth runs deeper than the mortal's explanation, as Tony had loved him even when he could do nothing to help….. and yet despite the deflections, Loki does not feel hurt or angry, because he knows that for all the mortal's efforts to entirely shed his emotional armor and be open, every step is a struggle against a lifetime of reflexes he's learned the hard way – and that's okay, because Loki knows Tony, and even if the mortal does not know how to say the words that were once so easy to tell a cat, the expression in his gaze is enough for Loki.
Tony's never been one to give up in the face of struggle though, and finally the mortal sighs, looks away for a fraction of a second and when he meets Loki's gaze again and smiles softly, there is a newfound openness and vulnerability in it which reflects in his hesitant quiet tone:
"What I'm trying to say is….. Whatever you are, and whatever form you take – You're still you, Loki…. That's all that matters."
For all that Loki has never been one to answer with silence, he feels too stricken to manage a single word. This kind of absolute acceptance had always felt like too much to hope for, and now that he has it…. nothing makes any logical sense, because Loki knows that most likely all the realms hate him by now…. and yet the acceptance and love of this one fragile mortal is somehow enough to make everything else seem so insignificant.
It's too much – too much to know what to do with…. and rather than continuing to involuntarily tighten his grip on the mortal's hands which has to be painful by now, Loki pulls his hands away, wrapping his arms around himself as he tries to hold the pieces together and not break... and it's strange perhaps that Loki thought all these shattered fragments of himself were long-mended because they had stopped hurting, only to realize now – now that the shockwave of this unexpected acceptance has opened the fissures again - that his healing had never truly been complete.
Wondering if his abrupt retreat has hurt the mortal, Loki glances at Tony, and finds that the mortal is waiting for him, nothing but understanding in his gaze….. and it is that which inexorably draws Loki out from beneath the emotional armor that would be so much less painful to retreat within, even as Loki smiles slightly at the bitter irony that the most misunderstood person he has ever known is so perceptive.
The silence draws out, and when Loki looks at his mortal friend again, he notices that Tony's attention has turned to the casket sitting on the small table in front of them as if it's the most natural thing in the world, despite the frost building on the glass.
This time the mortal's expression is not the open amazement with which he'd regarded Loki but something far more…. dangerous. He's looking at the casket with curiosity and anticipation clearly written on his features, as if it's a new device that he wants to deconstruct, understand and rebuild better…. and counting the deadly consequences - to beings that were far less fragile than the mortal is - when just the first step had been attempted on Asgard, Loki conjures away the casket, smiling despite the fact that his words are dead serious:
"Oh, no you don't. Try to take that thing apart and it will kill you."
Tony's disappointment is palpable, even if he hides it well beneath wry banter:
"Naturally I'd take precautions."
And really, Loki's not fond of having to inform the mortal that his armor – one of his greatest creations - would not be enough, but he answers anyway, slightly apologetically, telling himself that Tony really should be reminded of its limitations – maybe then he'd take less risks, though it's more likely for Jotunheim to thaw:
"Your armor?... it would freeze you solid even through that… I'd know."
Loki is not particularly surprised anymore that the mortal does not seem concerned by even those last words which should perhaps have served as a cautionary reminder that Loki could be extremely dangerous – and had been so – but of all the responses he'd imagined could be given to his statement, he never saw this one coming:
"That powerful, huh…. well, at least you got a one-step solution to the glacier problem."
The shock is so enormous that it takes a second to register, a second for Loki to remember all the projects Tony had funded in an effort to slow or preferably halt the progress of the "greenhouse problem" - a term Loki cannot help but find ridiculous since if left entirely unchecked, there would not be much green left on Midgard – while the receding glaciers had remained one of the harder effects to combat….. and Loki laughs finally, even as something aches within his chest because he knows that no-one else would ever think of anything but destruction coming from a Jotun armed with the casket.
Again, surprisingly, Tony picks up on his subtle change in mood even beneath the laughter…. perhaps he too knows too well what it's like to laugh while his heart is breaking inside… and his next statement is gentle, caring…. and effective even if far from subtle:
"Your …. identity issues…. There's more to it than appearances."
Loki sighs, suppressing the reflex to quip that he of all people does not have identity issues, because though that observation is vaguely discomfiting, it is still true, and he replies wearily, as he stares into the distance, seeing events that are long-gone unfolding before his eyes:
"Yes…. On Asgard…. the world where I grew up, the Jotuns – Frost Giants - are seen as monsters. All my life I learned that they were…. all my life I leaned to hate them…."
He swallows thickly, continuing:
"And when finally by accident I realized I was one of them…. I couldn't see myself as anything but a monster….. because it's all I'd ever been taught to see in them."
Tony winces slightly as Loki's words sink in, but before the mortal has a chance to comment, Loki adds quickly:
"In all fairness, they never intended for me to know the truth…. and that was probably the hardest thing of all to bear at the time…..I took the fact that they'd lied to me all my life as proof that they'd never loved me."
Looking again to meet the mortal's gaze, Loki smiles sadly, saying in a tone thick with remembered grief:
"It's ironic, really…. I'd always believed that if you love someone you owe them the truth no matter what…. but when the palladium started poisoning you, I knew about it before you or JARVIS did…. I could smell it in your blood, just as I knew then that you were doomed to an inevitable painful death because there was no element in this realm that could serve as a replacement for what was slowly killing you – I'd never dreamed then of making a new one - …. and at that time, all I'd wished for more than anything …. was that JARVIS could lie to you, because while eventually you'd have figured it out on your own sooner or later…. I didn't want you to have to spend every moment of the little time you had left burdened by a painful truth that could never be changed…"
Struggling to make his tone level, and not succeeding, Loki continues:
"You didn't tell your friends ….. you hid the truth from them to protect them, to spare them from having to hurt as you were hurting….. even when their not knowing hurt you ore than the truth ever could…. and yet I couldn't find it in myself to condemn your choices."
Continuing before the mortal has a chance to reply – before he needs to battle his defensive reflexes - Loki says bitterly:
"Then when Vanko came along and the world turned against you…. when I saw how he'd turned what little time you had left into a nightmare…. I hated him, but I also realized that I didn't want to be him…. I didn't want to burn this world just because of my own personal…. issues…and though part of me wanted to wreak havoc upon the unworthy world because of how easily it turned on you…. I also knew it would never be what you wanted."
This time, when Loki smiles it is a rare open smile – untainted by bitterness or grief – and he finishes softly:
"It is you who changed everything for me…. you who taught me that I don't have to be a monster, because you gave me a place where I belonged…. and by letting me see beneath all the emotional armor you always wear, you made me rethink everything I'd believed for so long, you helped me to realize what I had, and your own triumph over death and betrayal and loss taught me to hope again."
Tony smiles slightly as a silent response to Loki's words, and for a few seconds, Loki thinks that it's the only response he will get because the mortal has never been in a situation like this – has never been told that he is appreciated this completely for even his failings and frailties – and does not know how else to respond.
More than ever, though, Loki is amazed by the mortal's perceptiveness as he watches the mortal's expression shift as he picks up on the slight wistfulness in Loki's words and responds to it by gently reassuring him:
"You still belong, Loki."
A soothing warmth fills Loki as he takes in those words, knowing that they are entirely sincere and that in this moment the mortal has given him more than he could have ever hoped for…. even if he cannot accept it, and even as he sighs and replies sadly:
"I can't stay."...
...