23: Dreams and Desires

AN: Hi all, sorry for the lateness, it's the first week back at school in yr12 and it's been very busy. I have written 5 chps, and now have to type and edit them. I am aiming for one a weekend. I have completed my first course at flight school and am looking forward to the next. Now for some wonderful, exciting news! I have been chosen to represent the Australian Air Force Cadets on exchange in America! I have dreamed of this for a long time. It will be in one of ten chosen states, I will know in a few days.

"Dad, throw the ball! Come on dad!" Jack looked at his son in confusion.

"Charlie? What are you doing here?" The scene suddenly changed and he heard a bell ring; they were standing in a schoolyard.

"I'm waiting for Evelyn and Grace."

"Come on daddy lets go, mommy's waiting for you."

"Bye dad." The scene changed again and as Jack watched Charlie wave and run up the stairs of his and Sara's house he knew what was coming. The gunshot ran out but it wasn't Charlie Jack found, but Sam. Pregnant Sam. Blood was gushing on to the floor as he searched for the non-existent wound.

"I waited for you…"

Jack woke up shaking and took a moment to regain control of his breathing. Looking over at Sam he found her sleeping peacefully. Years in Black Ops meant Jack had a significant control over his dreams, and was rarely vocal; Sam never woke to them and he preferred it that way. She flinched as Jack ripped the covers off: no pregnancy, and Jack wasn't sure if he was relieved or not. Covering Sam up again and lying back down, Jack tried to work out why all this was suddenly happening. Yes they had Evelyn and Grace, they had kids, they were parents, but he hadn't actually thought of having a child with Sam, had he? He remembered the first night they'd made love and Sam's wonder at having possibly carried the girls. He remembered the vision shortly after the attack on the girls, of watching Sam give birth, of holding his newborn child. Did he want that for real? Ok so maybe he had thought about it, subconsciously, but now he really was thinking about it! Jack's fear of failing after Charlie had gone now, what's one more? Looking over at Sam he couldn't help but agree and was reminded of a song by Bryan Adams …when you can see your unborn children in her eyes, You know you really love a woman… That's what loving someone really was, that if you wanted, they were the only person you would have children with. Feeling a lot more at peace Jack closed his eyes, wondering mildly at how fast all this had come on

On the outskirts of Colorado, dawn was rising. The 1st apprentice studied the plans in his hands. They were plans to a large complex, the SGC to be exact. With this programmed into the system they would have the exact location of the O'Neill children, and not have to worry that they were beaming into the middle of city central. He knew for sure that the children would be at the SGC two days from now; it would be Thursday, and the twins got collected for swimming from the SGC at 0900 every Thursday. Everything was going to plan.

Sam fell heavily into the chair opposite Janet in her office.

"I am SO glad I'm not packing the whole house!" Janet smiled.

"How many boxes?" Her friends were moving in 2.5 weeks and apparently Sam was up to her 18th box.

"And I know there is probably another hundred to go. I've found so much junk, definitely having a garage sale. At least the removals company will deal with the rest, one of the perks of being in the forces." She took a breath and stole a sip of her friends' coffee.

"Hey! Well anyway, while you're here I've got some reading for you to do." Janet slid a file across the desk. "Dr. Carolyn Lam, one of the doctors over at Area 51. I've spoken with her over the phone a few times, briefed her on the whole situation and she has a copy of Grace and Evelyn's files. Anything happens, even if it's just a cold I want them to see her. I'll get updated, and if it's really serious travel arrangements will be made for you or me." She paused, taking the coffee back off Sam. "Eww, how can you drink that? It's cold!" Sam laughed.

"Lived on coffee. I also have something for you, it's an invite for the girls' birthday."

"Before you leave?"

"It'll be a bit of a squeeze, but we want everyone to be able to come. I just hope it'll still be warm enough." Once Sam had left Janet made the note in her diary – 20th September. Now what to get the little Rugrats?

As Sam walked to the woman's locker room she saw Daniel taking her daughters to their Ancient lesson and wondered what she'd be learning from them tonight.

"Morning Hailey." The young woman was sitting on a bench as Sam entered and jumped slightly upon hearing her name.

"Ma'am!" Sam rolled her eyes.

"We're in the locker room, it's Sam. What are you looking at?" Sam gestured to the photo the woman was holding and Hailey handed it over. It wasn't the first time Sam had asked her to call her by her name, but Hailey still felt a little uncomfortable with it. This was a person she had looked up to ever since that fateful day Sam had come to teach her lesson at the academy.

"Well, it's going to be my new niece or nephew. My sister is pregnant with her second child. You couldn't really call it cute yet though, could you?" She scrunched up her nose. Sam chuckled.

"Maybe…" As she looked at the ultrasound Sam felt a tug at her heart, a tug that had become all too familiar over the last few weeks. She quickly changed the subject, handing the picture back as she started to change into her BDU's. "Does your sister live in Colorado?" Hailey put the picture back on her locker door and shook her head.

"No, in San Francisco. That's where her husband works. I'll see you later Sam!" the door closed behind her and the room around Sam grew quite. She sat down on the bench and put her head in her hands. The feeling when she looked at the ultrasound, she would associate with longing. Sometimes, when she was watching Evelyn and Grace, she'd feel the pull again and Sam was too scared to try and understand it.

Lost in her own thoughts, Sam didn't even see Jack until she ran into him.

"Sorry sir." They'd decided to keep things formal at work, but she was still trying to get use to him being the same rank as her.

"What's up Carter?" She was about to answer her reflex 'I'm fine', but she knew Jack wouldn't believe her. Jack got worried and lowered his voice, gently, "are you ok Sam." She shook her head. "Sam?"

"I…no, I'm not ok. I'm just…just trying to sort something out." She held his hand loosely. "It's nothing bad Jack, I promise. Just let me sort it out in my mind first. I won't shut you out." Reassured he smiled and released her hand, clearing his throat.

"Well then, on to my good news. We have a house!"

"Yeah…I'm pretty sure that's what we've been living in for the past few months." He rolled his eyes. "The residence finally came through. A lovely 3-bedroom notch on the prairie! Well, ok not really, we're in the residential area of Nellis Air Force base."

"That's further from Area 51 than I thought we'd be."

"Carter, they'd fly you across the country everyday, they want you that bad. All the info is in your lab, Capt. Hailey is about to leave for Drion and I'm tagging along."

After watching them go, Sam headed back down to the infirmary, her mind heavy.

"Hey Sam, finished already?" Janet commented as her friend entered.

"Huh? Oh…no. Janet…can we, uh, can we talk, as friends?" Janet studied Sam's face.

"Sure. What's happening?" She closed the door and brought her chair next to Sam's as she explained about the dreams.

"The nightmares while bad aren't what's bothering me. I can never run or reach the girlsand I look down and I…I'm pregnant." She looked at Janet with worried eyes. "It's always the same. It scares me and I don't understand it!" As the tears fell, Janet put a comforting arm around her friend's shoulders, and slowly began to talk.

"Dreams are our minds' way of trying to solve problems or understand something subconsciously. We can look at this metaphorically and literally, would that help?" Sam dried her eyes and nodded. "Chocolate also helps." Janet pulled a bar from the drawer and passed it over.

"The pregnancy in your dream could represent Grace and Evelyn. You're a parent now and they depend completely on you. You are responsible for then every second of everyday, and this can be a burden." She paused. "I don't mean that in a negative sense." Sam waved her off.

"I know they're a responsibility I carry with me. They weigh me down."

"Yes. They stop you going through the gate and you're always thinking about them. The pregnancy could be a physical representation of the changes that have happened." Sam broke off another bit of chocolate.

"Well, it was all of a sudden, and that does make a lot of sense. I feel much better now!" Janet laughed. "It's all those endomophines from the chocolate!" There was silence for a while, Janet not entirely sure how to bring up this next subject. "It could be that, but dreams are also know for showing our deepest desires and things that we would never admit to. I know you can't imagine life without Evelyn and Grace, but you never talked about having a child of your own, never." They are my own, was Sam's immediate reply, but Janet's look was simply one of 'you know what I mean.'

"But I don't! I haven't even thought about it!" The tug at her heart when she'd seen the ultrasound picture. Her other self had been pregnant…no, alternate realities were not horoscopes! "No, it can't be. I mean it's not like I can actually have a baby anyway. The other explanation makes much more sense." Janet sighed, it had been 4 years ago when it had been discovered in a medical that Sam couldn't have children. Too many wounds, close calls and stresses on her body had left her ovaries and uterus the worse for wear. Back then Sam had always been a soldier and shown no emotion; she'd never talked about it. Much the same now, Sam still found it difficult to open up, something she was slowly learning to do.

"If you want, I can give you something that will help you sleep?" Sam declined – she needed to be alert if the girls called out in the night.

"Thanks Janet, for being my friend."

The Prior waited as his master, or Doci, as he now understood, tended to the flames in the metal box. He was still in awe of the power he had witnessed of the Ori, and stood proudly with his staff.

"Have the believers been preached?" The Prior bowed low.

"Yes, Doci." The Doci tilted his head in approval.

"There has been a change of plans. As soon as the children are beamed here, they must be moved to another location." The Prior did not question the new information and bowed again.

"Doci."

"There is a ship orbiting this planet; an ally. They must think us fools not to have sensed their presence."

"I will make the arrangements for the relocation. We will not fail Doci."

Jack lay on his back, snoring softly while Sam was wide awake, their hands linked loosely between them; the discussion she'd had with Janet weighing heavily on her mind. She knew the dream was probably based on Janet's first explanation, but it had got her thinking about children. Well as she'd said months before to Jack, "You're the only man I'd want to father my children." She never really had talked about her inability to have children, and she realized now, that it bothered her a lot more than she'd thought. Maybe…maybe she did want a baby… As Sam watched the night sky, she felt tears run down her cheeks. Never before had she hated her flat stomach so much; Sam let out sob.

Jack was slowly brought out of his sleep by a light shaking next to him. Concentrating more he could hear muffled sobs. Afraid it was one of Sam's nightmares he shook her gently, urging her to wake up. She turned her head towards him and Jack saw her red, slightly swollen eyes.

"Sam? Sam what's wrong?" She simply cried harder, and not knowing what to do. Jack pulled her on top of him and stroked her hair. "Sam, honey, you've got to talk to me. Tell me what's wrong." Her response was not what he'd expected. She rolled away to the far side of the bed,

"I want a baby." Her voice was so sad that Jack was taken aback, but his response was almost immediate.

"If you want a baby, we'll have a baby."

"I was afraid of that." Sam's voice was small and disembodied in the dark room. Jack was thoroughly confused and he sat up.

"What…you want a baby Sam. How is that a bad answer?" She sighed in resignation.

"Because I can't have one. If you didn't want it, then you wouldn't be disappointed in me and I…I would be ok." The silence hung thick in the room, as Jack thought of what to say. He gently laid a hand on Sam's arm, still allowing her the space she seemed to need.

"A baby is a wonderful thing Sam, something I'd love you to experience, for us to experience together. It would be created out of love, a strong love. But Sam? If we can't that doesn't make me love you any less. I love you for you, whatever fate may deal us." Jack slid is hand down to hers and linked their fingers.

"But I want one Jack, I want one so badly. I didn't realize it would bother me this much." She'd rolled over and he could see the tears forming a fresh trail down her cheeks, as she told him what had happened four years ago.

"There are other ways Sam. IVF, doctors and even adoption." By now they were cuddled together in the middle of the bed. "The alternate Samantha, she had Evelyn and Grace. Maybe there's still a chance?"

"Alternate realties aren't horoscopes Jack, they don't predict the future." Jack hugged her tightly.

"We'll find a way Sam, I promise."

AN: Yes a very Sam focused chapter, but it's needed for later story lines.