Chapter 26

The 7-hour drive between the Rocky Mountain National Park and the Bunker was not a comfortable one for Dean. Every time he closed his eyes it was as if the events of their midnight appointment with Billie replayed themselves behind his closed eyelids.

He'd been ready to die, had steeled himself to it.

Had almost welcomed it truth be told, except of course for Sam, standing beside him radiating pain on a subsonic level.

When Billie had asked "So who's it going to be?" In her snarky tone, he'd hesitated for just a beat.

Not because he'd changed his mind and not because he'd hoped Sam would offer. But for the old reason, that he didn't want to disappoint Sammy. Didn't want to leave him alone.

And in that moment Mom had stepped in and answered in his place, one word that made the bottom fall out of the universe

"Me."

After that everything seemed to stutter to white noise, drowned out by the horror that his mother was going to sacrifice herself for him, just as Dad had done.

Why was everyone willing to die for him, but not willing to live for him?

He'd been pinned helpless watching, like a four-year-old crying for his Mummy.

As Mom raised the gun to her head and cocked it

"I love you" she'd come back, just to leave with a bullet to the head, why did people say they loved you in those moments? When they were leaving.

Then Cas had shoved his angel blade through Billie.

"Cas, what have you done?" He'd found himself demanding

Cas Cas rhymes with ass, his mind sung over and over childishly while his stomach plunged with dread.

"What had to be done. You know this world, this sad, doomed little world, it needs you. It needs every last Winchester it can get, and I will not let you die. I won't let any of you die. And I won't let you sacrifice yourselves.

You mean too much to me, to everything.

Yeah, you made a deal.

You made a stupid deal, and I broke it."

"You're welcome." His last sentence angry and defiant. Staring back over Billies body.

On one level, he could be thankful for Cas's actions. He'd stopped Mom dying, from taking his death.

But his diatribe was just another messy goodbye, another person stepping in and taking Deans death and twisting it to make it their own.

Consequences on a cosmic scale didn't just go away because you ventilated the deal broker.

No, Consequences, they crept up on you and took a chunk out of your ass, when the dust had settled and you thought everything was fine.

There was a quiet sly voice at the back of his mind, that asked if it wouldn't have been better if Mary had just gotten to pull the trigger.

Dean turned his face against the cold glass of the window, wishing for his Baby's soothing rumble to drown out his thoughts.

...

The adrenaline crash hit, Sam fell asleep after a surprisingly short time, once they'd all climbed back into Moms car.

Dean was alive, Mom was alive and they were out of the god-awful cells stuffed with nothingness.

Unfortunately, his mind didn't uptake that information with a huge level of trust. His sleeping mind shunted him straight back into a cell with Lucifer, held down and tormented. That mocking, chiding voice telling him nothing outside that place was real, that there was no escape.

He woke constrained and yelling, him mind refusing to let go or come back. Then he registered Deans hand on one shoulder, Cas's on the other and his mother's blue eyes staring at him wide and frightened, like he might attack her.

Deans rumbling grumble of words articulated nothing, but they were the familiarity of forever. Anchoring him and calling him back.

Mary's wary look however, made him realise how much they had insulated her from their fractured psyches. She didn't know... and Sam didn't want her to know.

A moment of guilt stabbed through, he also never wanted her to know his first thought when she offered herself in Deans place. It hadn't been panic or horror like Deans. It had been pure joy. The thought he'd swap her a million times over for Dean and consider himself lucky. He was the worst son imaginable, he had to do better.

...

Michele woke naturally feeling rested and somewhat puzzled, for the first time in weeks she hadn't dreamt, not of Sam Winchester in a cell, not of anything.

Deeply surprised she grabbed her phone to check the time and discovered it was nearly 7am.

Wow! when had that last happened, everyone was up but her. The faint sounds of squabbling daughters and the microwave beeping found their way through the closed lounge door, a mostly cold cup of coffee and two slices of petrified toast spoke of how long everyone else in Casa Chadwick had been on the move.

Checking her phone, Michele felt real pleasure in seeing an email from The Smartest Kid in The Room, who it turned out wasn't a kid at all, but another mother of twins.

Sipping cold coffee Michele read of four-wheel drive adventures in the great man playground of mud (her hubby's idea of a romantic weekend away) with an amused smile. Her friend's description of her hubby being freakin adorable made her chuckle.

Yeap, men thought they were all big rough and tough, but they were all just little boys really.

And that thought brought her back to American Sam, thinking of him made her sad, she mused winsomely that really, she ought to give up on that one, there was such a thing as admitting defeat with grace. That point was probably a month back, she thought with a large dose of self-mocking and a sigh.

When you have four kids and a husband who is your least grownup child, time dwelling angstily on electronic imaginary friends is usually short, today's special feature was her husband doing the "the post shower, I'm so sexy you want to ravish me strut" which truth be told, actually always just made her want to roll her eyes, laugh and throw a pillow at him.

Men! There was no understanding their behaviour but they certainly made life more interesting, of that Michele was sure.

…

There was silence in the bunker, even with the door to his room open Sam couldn't settle or sleep, despite a belly full of real food, a shower so hot his skin was still slightly pink and more than a few stiff drinks. Grabbing the new phone Cas had given him Sam decided to take a walk outside and set it up properly. Looking in Deans open bedroom door Sam found it empty. No, it was going to be a long time before either of them settled peacefully.

…..

Sam looked up at his brother's form silhouetted against the curve of earth above the bunker, smiling to himself he picked his way up the slope and settled a meter away, back to a tree. Neither of them spoke they just sat in silence listening to each other breath and the world continue turning. It was enough. Sam slid out the new phone and continued making it his. Dean took out a bottle of whiskey from his inside jacket pocket and continued to make that his in slow mouthfuls.

When he'd finished setting up his email Sam was a little floored by surprise.

"Hu!?"

Dean glanced at him questioningly. Holding up the phone Sam showed his brother his inbox. Sam blinked at his brother and felt a slow smile ease onto his face.

"Hobbits man, they don't give up, do they." Dean rumbled with a raised eyebrow.

"I, I guess not."