~~~three false starts later, the chapter is finally done. you have no idea. Every time I got an anti-A-T review, I went back to work on a distinctly unsavory alternate for this chapter. Luckily for the squeamish, I figured out what to do for this S-T chapter on the T coming home today, so the S-T-A goodness will be next time! Not today. So sad.~~~

Tsukushi approached the closed door with trepidation.

"Courage!" she muttered to herself, "Where's that weed power when I need it?" Plainly, it was trapped beneath the furiously wriggling demons that were cramping her stomach and causing her knees to shake. She was afraid of what could happen behind that door-- what the answers to her questions might be. . . . She wasn't sure if she wanted to hear his reasons, his justifications for what he did. That is; if Soujiro even had anything to say for himself at all.

Nevertheless, she was here now, and Mrs. Nishikado was not-so-subtly lurking down the hallway awaiting the outcome of this little tete-a-tete. There seemed little choice.

Tsukushi took a deep breath, and opened the door.

Soujiro's room was dark. The shades were drawn, and the lights were off. Tsukushi stood in the open doorway a moment, adjusting to the dimness within. Soujiro was an indistinct blob across the room; he appeared to be slumped over his desk. The air seemed stale, and, Tsukushi sniffed, there was the unmistakable odor of alcohol-- organic and ketone-y -- it made Tsukushi want to sneeze. This did not bode well.

Soujiro hardly even twitched when he heard the door swing open. He didn't bother to look up as he growled,

"Go away, Mother! How many times do I have to tell you to keep your nose out of my business!" Obviously, he wasn't expecting Makino. How could he be?

"I'd like to think this concerns me." Tsukushi replied cautiously, as she slipped into the room, softly closing the door behind her. In the gloom, she couldn't see Soujiro's face. She hoped that this inability would make his encounter hurt less.

"Tsukushi?!" Soujiro jerked as if struck. If Tsukushi could have seen his eyes in that moment, she would have glimpsed a flash of nearly overwhelming panic, as if the boy were about to flee out the nearest window. However, he did nothing, frozen into immobility as he was, by the soporific effects of too much rum, and by the desolate inertia of a man who believes he has nothing left to lose.

"Soujiro." Tsukushi whispered softy, as her ability to speak failed her. What had she come here to say? How could she even dream of asking him. . .

"Why, Soujiro? Why did you have to make me love you?" the words burst forth from her spasming throat, even as a fresh wave of misery coruscated across her face.

When Soujiro failed to reply after several seconds, Tsukushi continued, even though, to her, her voice sounded strangled and weak, "I could have coped, you know, if this had happened a few months ago. It's not like you spent the winter celibate. . . But why did you have to go and pick Yuki? If it was her you wanted all along, why did you have to make me fall for you?"

"It was never Yuki. I never wanted her." Soujiro denied darkly, but Tsukushi, lost as she was in her own misery, hardly heard him.

"We were fine as 'just friends'? weren't we? I was fine with that. . . but I thought you wanted -- thought you needed-- something more. And I came to want it too. . ." Tsukushi's mournful words suddenly came to an abrupt halt, as she wiped a shaky hand across her forehead, "I'm sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't whine."

"Tsu. . ." Soujiro started to turn towards the sound of her voice.

". . . no, no. " Tsukushi rambled on, "You don't have to worry. I'm not here to make any demands. If that's it, then that's all. I just. . . I guess, I just wanted to know why-- why you chose Yuki. Why now? Tell me that much at least? I promise, I won't make a fuss. . . I just wish. . . To, you know, see your face once in a while. Or. . ." here her voice dropped to hardly more than a whisper, "Do you not even want to be friends anymore?"

"No!" Soujiro exploded in vehement negation, pounding his fist on the desk and spinning around to face her shadowed figure. "I never wanted her! Only you, Tsukushi, only you. . . . But I thought. . . I thought I'd lost you already. What did I have left to lose?" He shrugged and turned away, back into his self imposed solitude, "So I made a mistake. It wasn't my first one. That was thinking I could change. That I could be the man you wanted me to be. I was wrong Tsukushi, don't you see? I tried and I tried, but-- I couldn't do it, I couldn't change -- not even for the only woman I've ever loved. . . You should leave. You don't need me. Trust me, you're better off alone."

Slowly, Tsukushi sank to the floor, cradling her face between her hands. Even now, when he'd broken her heart for no good reason, she still couldn't prevent the stab of pain that wracked her as she felt his remorse, his pain, his loneliness. ". . But you're not." She took another deep breath as she replayed his words in her mind, "Why?" She asked again, as the rest of his speech registered, "Why did you think that of me?"

Soujiro shrugged helplessly (the movement going unseen by the girl behind him, curled up as she was -- her head resting on her knees, while her arms held her legs tightly to her). ". ..Rui. . . You were with him that day. . . " He trailed off, aware of how lame his own words seemed now, in retrospect. "He always was your best friend! And you lied to me. What was I to think? I didn't know what to think. You were so distant . . "

Tsukushi closed her eyes against the pain in her heart. It was her fault then, her fault as much as his. Wearily, she climbed to her feet, rummaging in her purse as she did so. "It was supposed to be a surprise. I was so scared. But I wanted you to be happy. . . . I wanted us to be happy. Rui held my hand, but it wasn't for him. Only for you . ." Tsukushi whispered the last words, as she hesitantly palmed a small circular pill-case onto the desk in front of Soujiro in illustration of the concept she was too embarrassed to say aloud.

Even in the dark, Soujiro recognized the object for what it was, and his eyes widened in shock. Too late. It was all too late. He'd cast it all away. Roughly, he pushed the pill-case back to Tsukushi. He had to get her out of there before she twisted the knife any deeper, "It should have been for him." He rasped painfully, "He won't ever fuck up like me. " Soujiro paused and took another slow breath before continuing, almost in a conversational tone of voice, "I've always loved beautiful things, you know. Our family has a vast collection of priceless objets d'art. When I was younger, I used to love to look at them, the way they'd sparkle or shine. The color in the light. But you know what? I always broke them. I was such a careless child, no matter how often I was punished, I had to look, had to touch. . and something precious always ended up broken. Just once, I wanted to have something beautiful. I thought. . . we had something beautiful. . . But I broke it. . . . Again.

"It's all I ever do. Tsukushi. Don't you see? I break things! I don't think mere glue can fix this! . . . You should go, before I screw up again. It can never work. I'm no good. All I'll ever do is hurt you more. And you deserve better than that."

"You know I can't do that." Tsukushi retorted slowly, "I believe in you. . ."

"Then you're an Idiot!" Soujiro exclaimed, "You think I don't remember how this all began? It was because you thought you could trust me! But that trust was a Lie! I' never deserved it! Listen. . . . Yuki wasn't the first time I fucked up. I didn't screw the others. . .but still. I promised you I wouldn't mess around, and that was a lie. How can you sit there and look at me with those eyes, when everything we were ever based on is a fiction?"

Tsukushi looked down at the floor again, once again at a loss for words. But she couldn't give up now. Not when she felt she was making progress. "It's never to late to start over. . . "

"You don't need me!" Soujiro was almost shouting now. "And I. . .I don't want you here!" If persuasion didn't work to get rid of her, force might.

"But you need me. As much as I need you."

Soujiro felt the feather-light touch of Tsukushi's hand on his slumped shoulder, as a single tear fell from her eye onto his bowed neck.

"I'll always be there for you, Soujiro. Whether you want me to be, or not. Remember that. If you don't want me as your lover, then I'll be your friend. You can't deny me that." Falling from her lips, these words were more a plea than an ultimatum.

Soujiro shivered as Tsukushi's hand moved away, "When you're ready to talk again, I'll be there." Tsukushi stated, more confidently than she felt. It hurt. This whole conversation had hurt, but she had to be strong. Strong for herself, as well as him. She'd always been the one to care for others; she couldn't fail now, no matter how that one might push her away, no matter what obstacles and misunderstandings stood in her way.

She had to prevail. Had to make him see, that if he tried, if he hoped, then maybe, maybe they could repair what they once had had. Now that she knew the truth, now that he'd offered up a new glimpse of his warped and unhappy soul-- now she knew. . .

All she could do, was to try her hardest, and hope for the best.

After all, no matter what, that's the sort of Person She had always been. To triumph against adversity, that was the Makino way. And she would never forget it. No matter how much it hurt to press on, one day at a time.

I would do it all again

Lose my way and fall again

Just so I could call again

On the mercy in you

To be continued.

~~oh looky, another chapter done. thank god. I swear, this fic will have fewer than 40 chapters. Really. Anyway, here is where I insert a shameless plug for my newest ficcy, which I know most of you have already see, but just in case you haven't -- ya'll should go read the angstalicious feast that is Walking Wounded. An AU with a dumb title, I know. But so much tasty despair. Yum!~~~