An Agreeable Guest
To be an agreeable guest one need only enjoy oneself
Joseph Joubert
I have always found the views people have of me very amusing. If anyone would ask the question: "Describe Kurotsuchi Mayuri in two words or less," I know that I could come up with at least most, if not all of them. 'Insane' and 'cruel' would have to be the top two. Predictable, but banal. After that I would surmise that 'brilliantly devious' and 'scary' would come up as the next most popular couple. Throw in 'diabolical', 'nefarious', 'perverse', 'bloodless', and 'twisted', and I think that we would have most of the common descriptives covered.
How right they would be, but at the same time how pathetically foreseeable and narrow of thinking as well.
It is not an easy thing to be a Captain of the Gotei Thirteen. It is not for either the weak of heart or the mentally retarded. Even that barbarian Zaraki isn't as stupid as he looks or acts most times. Even he has a keen sharpness that is cleverly hidden amidst his brutish exterior. Oh, he is for the most part a sub-anthropoidal horses ass, but when times call for more then brute strength he can reveal a sharp, tactical thought process that though not brilliant is admirable. Even the cold and impassive Almighty Kuchiki has proven that he is no slouch. That goes for the drunken and lazy Kyoraku and his ever-present appendage Ukitake as well. Neither of those men have a soft interior, and no matter how weak and pliable they might seem on the outside. I have watched both men kill in cold blood, and with little to no regret afterward. So it goes to say that a Gotei Captain must carry a great burden, and assume responsibility that few could shoulder for the proverbial long haul. It has been clearly noted in our history that many have caved under such weight.
But I am not one of them.
Being a Captain means that you have double the honors and double the horrors. Though for me the horrors are much less than what others might think. I believe that one man's horror is another man's opportunity, and only the truly intelligent can turn lemons into saké, and have people wondering how they did it.
I am such a man.
Two major examples come immediately to mind. The first being The Nest. True, it is not the place that I would have picked for a lengthy sojourn of contemplation or education. Not in the least, but I did manage to get something from the time spent there. Many people mentally as well as physically rotted away in there. They deteriorated until they were nothing more than feral beasts whose only purpose was to survive until the rising sun. They had lost all vestiges of humanity; fighting, living, and structuring a loose society that was patterned after wild beasts. Any retention of their former selves was minimum. Those that didn't assimilate into a pack wandered alone and confused. They became nothing more than wraiths, and occasional fodder.
I refused to become as such.
Though my limitations were severe I still managed to stay in relative control. Relative being the operative word. I should say that I kept control of that which mattered the most: my mind. Oh, I did slip and slide here and there. No way around that I suppose, but in general I remained my one and only Master. I went over my past learnings literally forwards and backwards in my head. I made mental notes and annotations for things that I had heard or read about, and I logged, categorized, and drew lists of questions. I even developed theories that would need to be further investigated at a later time because I knew without a doubt that I would not be a prisoner forever. I might not have had the time line for my incarceration worked out, but I knew that one way or another I would be released. Maybe not exonerated, but certainly not a captive for all eternity. I just wasn't sure as to what form that emancipation would take. But I could wait, and wait I did. If I had to play by someone else's rules I would at least do it my own way. I was never very patient with strictures imposed upon me by others.
I am my own man.
I always was and I always will be. No matter what role I am forced to play I will always be the one in control. Even those roles that I take on willingly, and even full-heartedly I will always follow the path of my own choosing. Being a Captain of the Twelfth is one of those. It is a role that I took gladly, and yet with some reservation. I was always happy to just spend time in my labs, but there were times unfortunately where I needed to have full autonomy in order to better pursue my goals, and being an underling could not fulfill such aspirations. Being a Captain how ever gave me such a position, but with such a position I unfortunately also gained hindrances. Hindrances like having to run a division. Fortunately for me I was smart enough to properly delegate authority and duties in order to pay attention to the things that really mattered. I had neither the time nor the inclination to worry about such things as food and bedding issues. Minor details like that never concerned me. I did find training enjoyable to an extent, but academics were what best sustained me. The mysteries of the mind, body, and the world around me in general are what really keep and hold my interest. Yet now I find myself adding one more element to that which keeps me always pondering, and certainly always amused and even delighted.
Her.
My second example. Looking down at her as she sleeps on her stomach, and yet nestled against me securely I can't help but think about her. She rests her head on my arm, and has her face buried against me. Small, sleepy whiffles are felt as well as heard, and even occasional mumblings. Even deep in her dreams I know that I can run my fingers down any part of her and she will pause, shiver, and scoot in even closer. It is as if even in the dark recess of her mind she is still somehow attuned to me. No one has ever felt such a thing for me, and certainly not when they are awake let alone as they lay unguarded during sleep. To prove my point I thumb a path down her spine, and as anticipated she makes a small mew, and slides up against me. Her hands knead my arm and she murmurs something unintelligible. After a brief moment she settles back into whatever dream I interrupted and continues as if nothing happened.
Does she dream of me?
I certainly dream of her. I would never say that aloud, and I cannot think that there is anything that would make me say it either. That is something that I alone will ever know. Why? I have no idea as of yet, and though I am loathe to admit any uncertainty that I might hold there must be a reason for it. I never like having unknown variables in my equations, but this is one that shall stay an unknown for a little bit longer. For now all I want to do is investigate this phenomena to its fullest extent. This phenomena known as Kotetsu Isane. This woman who was the catalyst in an experiment that took sour lemons and turned it into the richest saké for me. Once again I amazed not only myself, but turned everyone around me into flabbergasted imbeciles, or at least into more obvious than normal flabbergasted imbeciles.
Only we could have done that.
What was at first considered to be nothing more than a joke or horror story has in reality turned into something much more respectable and enlightening. People held their breath as they waited for what they thought was the inevitable: some form of monstrosity on my part. Why? What would be the point? Why should I take the perfect equation and add unwanted and unneeded elements? That would be a wasted effort, and not when I can take that energy and apply it to more useful endeavors. Endeavors that both included as well as excluded the woman next to me. I have always found it interesting the faith that she has in me for some reason. She takes me at my word. She takes my many moods. She takes pretty much everything that I throw at her, and she throws it right back at me. I have found that any uncertainty that she might have stems not from fear so much as that she is just uncertain. Yet even during her uncertainty I cannot find any hint of fear of me in general. But her uncertainty is slowly dissipating, and in its wake I find something else.
Trust.
She trusts me. She trusts my judgment. She trusts my opinions. She trusts my skills. These aspects of trust do not necessarily come from the fact that I am a Captain and she is a Lieutenant. No, I have found that the trusts stems from the simple belief that she trusts me the man. She trusts Kurotsuchi Mayuri, plain and simple. She is not so blind to my faults to think that I am a man without character flaws. I do have them, and they are many. Some are reasonable, and some...aren't. I am generally not a very nice nor a very patient man. I know this, but so does she. Many times she has called me on it, and though I might react in an abrasive manner she is not swayed. Neither is she daunted by it either. That is not to say that she doesn't have fears, but I am not their genesis. No, something else is, but what they are I have yet to find out. But I will soon enough. Until then I will bolster her uncertainties in my own way. Not that she needs me as some form of mental crutch. Not her.
Because even on her own she is strong.
Isane has a core of steel. She might have all the womanly physical attributes that would bring any man to his knees such as large, expressive eyes, and a figure that any woman would kill for. But she is more than that. Much more. I would have to say that of all the women that I know she is the kindest and most compassionate. Maybe too kind and compassionate, but those are minor flaws. Nothing bad has come from them yet, and until it does I shall let her continue on as she does. I find her softness as appealing as I do amusing. However, there is a tenacity and an inner strength about her that is hard to ignore. Once she has determined a path to follow little if anything can upset it. If she wants to feed, clothe, and pamper some of the more unfortunate wretches in the higher districts nothing and no one is going to stop her. If she wants to take on the more sordid duties that could have easily been foisted off on a lesser seat no one is going to dissuade her. Her steel gray eyes harden and her mouth becomes a straight line of determination. When I see that I know that her mind is made up, and not even I can try and change her mind. She is that driven. She might not have the strength of a Captain, but she does have the heart.
Her heart.
My heart.
Our hearts.
Where does her heart lay? Do I have a heart? Are our hearts in synchronization? I would have to say that I have no idea, and on any account. Who really knows what lurks deep in the heart of a woman? I know as much as any man, I would think. All we really know is what we are told by literature, by society, and even by the women themselves. But is there truth in any of that? I wouldn't know. The heart is a strange and mysterious thing, and whether you are speaking physiologically, theoretically, or even metaphorically. It sustains us and yet at the same time it can break and kill us. If the heart is weak the mind and body wither and collapse. Physical maladies of the organ can cause a person to slowly fade away. Emotional trauma will do the same. Yet a strong and fierce heart will allow a person to commit acts that are above and beyond belief. A dedicated and fervent heart can make believers out of the non-believers.
Where does her heart lay? Would I care if I really knew? I know that she is fully devoted to her division, and those that she serves. I have seen her exhausted after a long night with unruly patients, and even though her skin is ashen and there are dark circles under her eyes the light within them has not dimmed. I know also that she holds a certain fondness for me. It would have to be that for her to have gone through everything that she has, and still keep coming back to me for more. Not only does she keep coming back for more, but she allows me to take our relationship to different levels. Such as tonight. Though I only tied her hands up I admit that it took a great deal of trust and courage for her to let someone like myself to do that to her. Never have I physically threatened her (well, I have been verbally threatening, but my heart was never really that into it. It was more out of habit) but handing over herself both physically as well as mentally was a monumental step for her. Honestly, I was not as amused by it as I thought that I would be. I like feeling her hands on me during such times, but I could tell that the new experience excited her. So in deference to her feelings on the matter I let it go on for longer than I would have wished. I think that she enjoyed the feeling of standing on a precipice with a marauder at her back. I also think that next time I will let her bind me, and as such I will show her not only what she is capable of, but what control she truly has.
So that would mean that somehow I have a heart? That in some sense of the word I care? Yes, I am in my own way a caring individual, and no matter what others may think. There are many things that I care for. I care for my work. I care in my own way for Nemu and my division. I certainly am finding that I care for Isane. Again, in my own way. I find her agreeable and amusing to be certain. I find that her moods and temperament suit my own personality quite well. I also find that our physical relationship is such that I would be highly peeved should it end or anything (or anyone) come between us. I care very much for that. So maybe instead of being caring I am being selfish? Even that has its merits. Being selfish is not as negative as most would deem it to be. Is it selfish to want results? Is it selfish to expect only the best? Is it selfish to want someone to be protected? I think not.
I know that she wants that. She wants only to have healthy and happy individuals to leave her division after their time spent recuperating. I know that she wants those individuals to have made a full and not partial recovery. I know that she wants to protect those around her. I know that she wants only the best for her friends and family. I know that she wants to be protected. So based on those findings I can only come to the conclusion that our hearts are in synchronization. How astounding. Two people that are set so far apart on the spectrum and with such different personality's have in reality much more in common than they or anyone else thought. That certainly makes one stop and ponder.
I stop my own pondering as I notice that she is starting to awaken. She is moving sinuously against me and slowly letting her dreams leave her as she comes back to the waking world, and to me. I do nothing but watch her, and because it is one of those times when a person has no barriers up. She is soft, compliant, and satisfied. She raises herself slightly and moves so that she is resting more on me, and with her head on my chest and her arms around my torso. I can feel a finger trace one of my many scars. I like holding her. Her skin is like silk and she smells like lavender. I used to think that it was some sort of cream or perfume that she used, but now I know that it emanates naturally from her. It is on her skin and in her hair. As I run my hand through the silvery-blue locks I am amazed at their softness as well. I like her short hair, but I can imagine that having it long and trailing down her back would be devastating. I often wonder why she wears it in such a short style. Not that I am criticizing, but there must be an interesting story behind it.
"Mayuri," Isane says sleepily against my chest. She offers me a few kisses and nibbles.
"It is almost time for you to go."
She nods and moves in closer. I in turn hold her tighter.
"I know, but I am not ready," she says almost petulantly. That brings a smile to my face.
"Well, believe it or not time nor Unohana wait for no man. Both are unforgiving and relentless. Besides," I say flicking one of her ear bobs, "if I don't deliver you back in time as promised she will make a stink about it, and I can't stand it when she pulls that passive-aggressive mind trick that she is famous for. It is intolerable."
"She doesn't do that, Mayuri."
I hear the censure in her voice, but I can feel her smile against me. She knows that I am right. Of course I am.
"Yes, well you can all believe that she is some Heavenly Creature with the instincts of a Mother Hen, but many of us know better. In particular: Zaraki, Kyoraku, Ukitake, and myself. I would bet that even the Old Man knows better. He has known her longer than any of us by far. I am sure that there was more then one reason that he made her a Captain."
She looks up at me in a deliciously disheveled snit.
"Mayuri, as usual you are too critical. My Captain is the soul of generosity and compassion," she says with a barely concealed grin. "I don't think that she could hurt a gnat."
I sigh with pleasant impatience. "Your Captain is far scarier then I could ever be. Why no one sees that I have no clue. Probably because no one is as observant or as intelligent as I am."
"Oh, that must be it," she said with what I could only say was sarcasm.
"Isane, it is a sad and lonely burden that I bear-" I started to say, but as usual was cut off mid-sentence.
"What, the load of bullcrap that you tote around with you?"
I put a few fingers under her chin and raise her head so that I may look her in the eyes. I give her my best (or I rather my usual) angry stare. She seems non pulsed by it. How charming it must be to always go around so blithely ignorant of the dangers around you.
"You are very cheeky for one who is deep in my lair. I wouldn't advise that. None that have ever dared such a thing have ever again seen the light of day," I say flatly.
"Maybe," she says shrugging, "but we know that I won't be one of them. You fear my Captain too much. You said so yourself." She scrunches her nose up and giggles softly. She even has the audacity to lean up and delicately kiss the end of my nose.
I feel a twitch starting over my left eye.
Checking my internal clock I know that we still have close to an hour before she has to be at her front gate as I had promised. That is more then sufficient time to allow me to prove my point.
Before I leave my office I can feel a distinct change in the air around my division. Isane had left long ago, and after wasting a good ten minutes on arguing she left on her own. She refused to let me escort her back. I thought that the concept was childish and idiotic. Why she -and of all people- would want to slink back to her division is beyond me. It was no secret where she had been the previous night. I would hazard a guess that there was no one who didn't know where she was. Be that as it may she still felt that propriety called for her to be as understated as possible. So after much annoying deliberation I hauled her to a seldom used exit, and after allowing her to show me her appreciation and cool my ire I watched as she flash stepped away. Retreating back to my office I went to work on the mounds of paper work that I had been neglecting. Luckily Nemu had done the majority of the work, but even so there were correspondences that needed my personal attention.
One of the very few draw-backs to being a Captain is the horrible amount of useless forms that must be filled out and signed. The vast majority are senseless. The vast majority that come across my desk are either given to Nemu or just destroyed. I learned that after five attempts by whatever primate that sent them over to me they just stop coming. I cannot for obvious reasons do that to most of the paperwork that enters my office, but it is amusing to see how much I can get away with. But even I have my limits, and I have found that spending two hours at the maximum on such drivel is about all I can stand. Contrary to popular belief I do like to physically exert myself, and it is after such times I like to over-see and even engage in the training sessions with those that serve under me. My division runs parallel to the Fourth in that our primary function is not martial. We are men and women whose contributions are primarily cerebral. That does not mean however that we are weaklings. You would be surprised at some of the men and women who are as capable with a sword as they are with running lab or field experiments. I have always believed that a soldier had to be much more than a muscle-bound brute who once let loose upon the field could do nothing but barbarously smash and slice their way to the other side. Any good fighter can do that. It takes an exceptional soldier however to be able to do that in such a methodical way as they can also make observations that offer possible explanations or build upon existing data. I simply refuse to allow any dummies into my division.
That being said it was no surprise that as I made my way to our training ground the more than usual attention that I gathered. It was palpable. It was visually obvious. Men and women still regarded me with varying degrees of obedience and respect, but now there was a little something extra added to it. The men looked at me with admiration, and the women looked at me appraisingly. For some reason it makes me slightly uneasy. I like having people off-guard when they are around me. That is how it should be. People should always be razor sharp when near me. Otherwise they become useless. A dull blade serves no one. This however is different, and I cannot for some reason figure out the reason why.
Walking over to Nemu who is in a deep discussion with The Third Seat I notice that the sparring stops momentarily. All turn and bow, but only in a perfunctory way; battle does not stop or give pause in real life. I notice that Nemu has them going over some new drills that I had designed, and I was curious to see how they were faring.
As I listen to her report I take a moment to ponder her situation. Our situation. Or now it seems like it involves not just a father/daughter or Captain/Lieutenant, but Isane has thrown herself in the mix as well. She really is a pain in my ass. She might laugh when I say that, or offer a token response of annoyance, but she really is. Things were much more simple before she came. If she hadn't been there then I would have just beaten Madarame into something unrecognizable, thrown him over the nearest wall, and been done with it. If I hadn't been so deeply involved with her as I was at the moment I wouldn't have shown up in front of my division without my usual-
Ah, so that was it. I knew that being without my normal regalia would cause a stir, but up until now I had no idea how much of a stir it would cause. Obviously I had slightly miscalculated that. Well, in truth I had been so enraged at having my private time cut into that I clearly had no idea what I was doing. There are many things that can cause a severe personality shift: an imbalance of hormones, severe physical trauma, or a high stress level, and I would have to say that coitus interruptus pretty much encompasses all three. Keeping my personal and professional dignity intact at the time ceased to be an issue. I cannot imagine how I must have looked, and I simply refuse to revisit the scenario. As long as they keep their speculations and comments to themselves there is in truth very little that I can do about it. Besides, the smugness that I feel coming from my division is in no small way flattering. Like any other division the members carry with them the persona of their Captain. As such my division members have always been thought of as being brilliant but perverse. They now can add to that the idea that somehow their Captain has bagged himself a babe.
And how right they would be.
I can sympathize with their superior attitude. My division has long been thought of as being the penultimate division when it came to all the others. The fact that it was filled with the sharpest minds that I could gather from The Academy meant nothing. I also have accumulated a great many Shinigami that have a more than adequate skill in Kidou. There are many interesting individuals that for whatever reason were not taken in by the mysterious Kidou Corp. If they have a higher than normal intelligence and I am suitably impressed with their skills I do my utmost to sway them into joining my division. Even with all that behind us my division is still looked at askance, and talked about in whispers. We are thought of as being nothing more than lab rats with a killing intent. But now, and unintentionally I have given them a sort of victory laurel that they can flaunt in the face of their brethren. My personal life has somehow become public, and though I viscerally loathe that I cannot help but find a minuscule amount of pleasure in it all. I have like anyone else a certain amount of vanity. I am incredibly smart. I have a very impressive spiritual presence and pressure. My Bankai is fast and vicious. And now I have a woman that is heads and shoulders above the rest. Any sane man in my position could not help but feel a certain amount of smugness.
I myself may not be perfect, but my life right now is.
A/N:
It was short and sweet, but hopefully to the point.
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