Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!
A/N: Thank you so much mikkir, Kirky123, Chhi. and SJ-23 for the reviews again :) I know what you mean about being busy...I barely have time to write anymore... practically this whole thing was written on various subway rides to and from work. Thank you all for sticking with me...I'm still in shock the story keeps going on this long, I thought I would be finished this by now...my brain just wants to keep on going...I'll just keep rolling with the punches I guess :) Thanks again and take care everyone!
Everyone keeps telling me I need to sleep more and rest, but I can't rest when I'm not with Sara. I'm lying here in bed worrying about what she's feeling or thinking.
Grissom and Greg are at the hospital with her now. She's still in the ICU, but I think she'll be moved to a different unit tomorrow.
I can't believe it's been this long already...but then again, sometimes it feels like just yesterday. Sara's been through so much, it feels like we are trapped on an emotional rollercoaster.
Sara has spent the better part of the last few days in a deep depressive sorrow. After her initial outburst four days ago that sent her back to the operating room, she's been closely monitored in the ICU. Her body seems to be healing well, but her mind and spirit are deteriorating.
She's not hysterically upset where she needs the restraints anymore, now she's drawing inward and internalizing her sorrow. I think this may be even worse.
She barely interacts with us, although I know she hears and understands us. She'll pull away from contact if you try to touch or comfort her and she hardly makes eye contact with anyone.
Not to mention the fact she's still non-verbal. The speech and language pathologist came for an initial assessment the other day, but when she moves to the new ward I think they will have the first meeting. I really want to be there for that.
That's why the guys are with her this morning, because they wanted me to sleep in and rest before the big day...pity I can't do either.
I can't get my mind off Sara. I know she's suffered from depression on and off throughout her life, so it scares me to see it coming back. And the worst is I can't even get her to talk about it with me. I'm not even sure what's bothering her the most.
I know she remembers Lindsay's murder. Then there's the fact that I shut her out and made her feel responsible for our tragedy. Then she confronted Todd about the truth and was horribly injured. And now she's facing a world where she cannot speak.
Any one of those could send you spiraling into the depths of depression...but to have all of them at once...and not be able to talk and share your burden with others...this is why I can't sleep.
I don't know what to do either. When she sees me she starts to tear up. I have to force her to make eye contact with me. Although she is doing a bit better in that regard.
Yesterday when I went in, I pulled up a chair and as hard as it was, I laid my heart on the table. I told her exactly how I feel and how none of this is her fault. I begged her for forgiveness for the way I treated her and thanked her for coming back to me. I told her what I knew about what happened and how much she has already overcome.
I cried, she cried and I tried to comfort her. I promised her that we would get through this together no matter how long it takes and I pledged my life to her. But none of this matters until she forgives herself...I fear so much that she's torturing herself. Even after our talk she was still so withdrawn. I wish I knew what was going through her mind.
Suddenly my thoughts are interrupted by my phone ringing.
"Hello!" I say scrambling with shaky hands to the phone.
"Sorry to disturb you Catherine, it's Grissom. I just wanted to let you know they are moving Sara to the step down unit. You don't need to come now, but I just wanted you to know we'll be on a different floor. Sara is doing okay, Greg is with her now. She's still not really engaging us though, but health wise she's improving." Grissom says with a sigh.
"Thanks Gill, I'm going to get ready and head over." I say shifting the phone to my other shoulder and looking at the clock.
"You really should be resting Catherine. We have everything under control here." Grissom says in a worried voice.
"It's okay Gill, I know you do. I just can't rest without Sara. She helps me more than I help her actually." I say rubbing my eyes.
"Okay Catherine, just make sure you're taking care of yourself. We are all worried about you. Let us help you...we are all here for you." Grissom continues in his protective worried voice.
"I know Gill, thank you so much! All of you are helping more than you know. I'll see you soon okay?" I reply sitting myself up in bed.
"Okay dear, I'll see you soon. Be careful getting here." Gill says softly.
We say our goodbyes and I slowly climb my way out of bed. Maybe the new room will give her a fresh start. Although we have a lot of flowers and cards to move. Plus I am going to miss the ICU staff.
I hope she's in better spirits today. It's killing me to see her depressed. I can only imagine how scary it must be to not be able to speak. That your mind knows what it wants to do, but your body doesn't respond.
As I enter the new step down unit I'm greeted by Greg and Grissom by the nursing station. We all hug and say our hellos before Greg tells me a nurse is with Sara now and the SLP (speech and language pathologist) should be in shortly. Poor Greg looks ten years older now.
"Did she try to communicate with you two at all?" I ask as we wait to be let back in Sara's room.
"No, at first she wouldn't even look at us. But Greg finally got a half smile out of her by the end." Grissom says while trying to smile at Greg.
"I don't know what to do or say Cath, it's so strange seeing her so down like that." Greg says while kicking something on the floor.
"I know, I'm not really sure what to do myself. I still can't believe how close we came to losing her...but now I'm afraid I'm losing her in a completely different way." I admit to my extended family.
"You'll never lose her Cath, she'll find her way back to you. We'll find a way to communicate with her, we'll work something out. I can teach her some sign language maybe..." Grissom says while putting a hand on my shoulder.
"Hi, I'm looking for the family of Sara Sidle." A very young short nurse says behind us.
"That's us." I say simply. I miss the ICU staff already. We knew all of them and they knew all of us. I really don't feel like explaining everything again.
"Okay, she's all ready for you guys. I'll meet you all in there when the SLP comes." She says then walks away.
"Cath, I better get Greg and I to work. Jim says he wanted to see me about something before shift starts. Nick and Warrick should be in later in the evening too." Grissom says before I give him and Greg a goodbye hug.
"Thanks guys, have a good shift. Send our love to everyone there." I say as we part.
I'm not even sure where her room is. I probably should have asked them before they left. Well, I don't want to look stupid walking back to the nursing station...I'll just look for her name...ah, here we go 603 Sidle.
As I quietly walk in the room I see Sara propped up in bed reading a forensics magazine. Oh Gill, couldn't you have given her happier reading material...
"Hi Sara, how are you feeling babe?" I say making my presence known.
She jumps slightly then looks away again. I thought we got over this avoidance yesterday. Maybe she does still resent me for how I treated her before.
"Sara, please look at me sweetheart. I'm so sorry for everything I did to you before. Please don't hate me." I say before I can think.
As soon as I said the word 'hate' her head snapped up to look at me and she started shaking her head 'no' and a big lone tear began to form in her eye before it spilled over.
As sad as she looked, her reaction sent a shock of excitement coursing through my body. She doesn't hate me!
"I love you so much Sara! So, so much!" I say starting to cry myself.
"We'll get through this babe, I promise. But you have to understand, none of this was your fault! You have nothing to feel bad about." I say losing the battle against the tears and they break forth.
She covers her face and quietly continues to cry. I put the bedrail down on the bed and sit next to her on the mattress.
"Does your chest or ribs hurt love?" I ask still afraid of aggravating her injuries.
She shakes her head no again while sobbing and I wrap my arms around her. We sit like this, crying together again until the tears finally start to slow on their own. I'm going to have to ask her doctor about depression medication. She was on something years ago.
I'm so glad she's somewhat letting me in. This is better than I thought she would be.
As we sit together in silence and I comb Sara's hair, the young nurse returns with who I assume is the SLP.
"Hi Sara, I'm Kay the speech and language pathologist. I would like to run a few tests by you if you don't mind." She says taking a stool and pulling it up to the bed.
Sara looks at me and shakes her head no.
"Sara, she will help you sweetheart. We need to know what is going on so we can find a good way for you to communicate and get your speech back." I say rubbing her arm.
"Sara, can you try to speak with your voice please? Can you say 'No' instead of shaking your head?" The SLP asks in a kind voice.
Sara looks her straight in the eye and shakes her head once more.
"The notes indicate that your comprehension is fine, maybe I'll get the OT to follow up with you as well. Do you understand what I am saying?" The SLP repeats in a slow exaggerated tone pausing slightly after each word.
Sara just looks at me, then at the young nurse standing beside me, then glares back at the SLP.
"Can you use your voice to say 'No' Sara?" The SLP continues in the same, almost demeaning voice.
In response, Sara looks straight in the SLP's eyes with an intensity I haven't seen from her in a long time. After a few seconds of pause...and with the tension rising in the room...Sara breaks the stalemate by lifting her hand and clinching it into a fist save for one finger.
Sara then flashes the SLP one of her patent smirks and leaves the poor speechless woman with Sara's middle finger in her face.
The nurse beside me chuckles and I just sigh and drop my head.
...this is going to be a long session...