A/N: The site was down all day yesterday, as well as most of the afternoon today, so I had to wait a bit longer to post. Sorry about that.

The duration of the Christmas break – which features LJ developments, by the way – lasts for four chapters, including this one. I hope you enjoy it. There's some considerable emotion and nostalgia awaiting you a bit later.

Cheers, guys.
X

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December 21

6:45 PM
Status: Thoughtful

It's pretty much black outside right now, because of our winter weather, and the lights in the train have come on, letting muted golden light shine upon our heads in our small compartments. Alice, Livvy, and I are sharing one and they are both napping – Livvy curled up on one bench with Alice sitting next to me, her head on my shoulder, her light snoring like a foghorn in my ears. Good thing, too, because they have been talking my ear off all afternoon and I'm happy to have them leave me alone for a bit.

We're still in the countryside right now, watching the snow-covered trees and grounds – way too much white for my comfort – pass us by, glowing kind of eerily in the dark, but I think we're approaching town soon enough. I've changed into regular clothes and avoided the "Upper Management" cart, as I fondly call it, like the plague, because I wanted to be with my friends. And now I'm just kind of thinking on paper, my day playing through my head like a film or something. I suppose I ought to write about it, considering…well…everything.

Today has seriously been something of a blur. I overslept this morning by about two hours; and when Alice and Livvy finally pushed me to the floor and all but pummeled my arse, I discovered I only had an hour to get ready and get out to the train.

And I am not known for being quick when it comes to such matters.

In a mad rush, I packed all my stuff by magic and double-checked the room to make sure I had everything I needed. Then I threw on my jeans, my lucky socks (just in case) and a sweater, brushing my teeth and hair and popping in a piece of gum, to make sure I didn't stink.

Livvy (who was, of course, done two hours ago) supervised as I dragged my trunk out and tried to control my hair, which had decided to frizz up like the bride of Frankenstein last night. She luckily had a little Hair Potion left over from the previous night, and that kept it down for a little while, but my hair is a bitch, I swear it. Whenever I need it to cooperate with me, it gets rebellious. Must be the red. People always say redheads have rebellious hair.

To my great relief, I made it to the train in the nick of time. Alice nearly missed the train because she forgot her hair brush – her prized possession – inside, but she managed to wrangle her way in and we were okay, only a little worse for the wear.

Then the real trauma of the afternoon began.

Alice and Livvy demanded to know exactly, with every detail I could recall, how the party went with James. I started to tell them normally, but I realized that I couldn't really remember everything perfectly like I could right after I experienced it, so I pulled this diary out and kind of edited around some of the thoughts I had put down. I wanted them to know the truth, but I didn't exactly want them to know how I felt about that truth. It's for self-preservation purposes, I swear – Alice would eat me alive if I gave her everything.

However, they inferred whatever else they needed to know; and discussion quickly ensued once I had wrapped up my tale.

"Oh…my…gosh," was Alice's first coherent remark when I was through. "Just…oh…my…gosh."

"Kind of amazing, I know," I said. "But I mean, I don't know where this could go from this point…I'm not sure what's going on…"

"It pains me to say this," said Livvy, her tone murky. "You have absolutely no idea how much. But it has to be said."

She took a deep breath and admitted, "For once, Alice is right. I am a believer now. I think that James Potter is still in love with you and you are in love with him and you need to do something about it."

"Really?" For a second, Alice forgot all about James and gaped at Livvy as though she had sprouted a pair of claws out of her head. "Honestly? You're a believer?"

"Yes," said Livvy solemnly. "I am a believer."

"Oh, Livs!" Alice clapped her hands with delight. "Finally, you see the light! Thank Merlin I have at least one sane best friend."

She gave Livvy another fond look and stared back at me. Her expression wasn't quite so fond anymore.

"Lily, you are so dense," she groaned. "You are in love with James and he is in love with you and you are so bloody frustrating! Why can't you see it? Everyone else can!"

I sighed testily. "That's because you see what you want to see. You don't see what's actually there."

"The same is true for you too!" wailed Alice.

"This one's hard to dispute, Lils," Livvy said, shrugging apologetically, her eyes pitying. "I mean…really. He gave you The Look. He flirted with you. He went to the party with you. He's played with you and bantered with you and taken the time to get to know you. He told you he loved being your friend. That doesn't suggest anything platonic to me, Lily."

"How does it not?" I argued irritably. "He said he loved being my friend. He didn't say he loved me. That's so different – I mean, it's possible that this is where he wants to be with me, at this comfortable safe point where we are close without being too close. This…this is what we were aiming for! He's not about to fall in love with me. Why would he? He has no reason to. He has no opportunity to."

"Don't talk rubbish," said Alice. "You know, Lils, I think that sometimes, you forget the effect you have on people."

"What effect?" I asked incredulously.

"Well, you're approachable, for one thing, very easy to talk to," said Livvy. "You're intelligent. You are a leader and you act like you've got everything under control. You're the bleeding Head Girl, out of everyone in seventh year. I'd say that sounds very impressive."

"And it doesn't hurt that you're hot," added Alice.

"You yourself have complained copiously about my lack of breasts and dress sense," I reminded her.

"So maybe you don't have boobs, but you're still hot," said Alice. "Your eyes are pretty and you know your hair is practically a tease in itself. And you have a cute smile. And if we dress you, you tend to look less fashionably-challenged."

"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence," I said dryly.

"Seriously though," insisted Alice. "Lily, you are funny and bright and quirky and downright fanciable. On the surface, you are the It Girl. You have everything."

"But I don't—" I was actually kind of offended by this allegation. Me? An It Girl? I couldn't imagine such a world.

"We know differently, of course," said Livvy, gesturing to herself and Alice. "We know you are incapable of waking up in the morning, that you eat like a hog when you're stressed out, that you are the world's biggest procrastinator and commitment/responsibility scare the hell out of you. We know you're basically a screwball at heart and we adore you for it. But you have to realize…people are still going to notice that you are fanciable. And James is a guy – he's bound to notice it too. And in the past, he definitely has."

"And this year, with you guys being friends at all, there are a lot of lines that are suddenly very easy to blur," Alice said. "It's hard for boys and girls to stay friends, because at some point or another, you always wonder what would happen if the two of you were together."

"That's not going to happen to me and James," I said firmly. "I like him, but not that way. Never that way."

My stomach twisted uncomfortably at my words. Not sure why, but I ignored it, preferring to stare down my best friends, try to make them see sense. But they weren't really seeing it.

"Look, I know it's not easy to swallow, Lils, but I think there are still some feelings between you that you guys need to address," said Livvy. "After Christmas, you need to talk to him. Like, really talk to him."

"You guys are a classic love story," Alice assured me. "Boy meets girl, girl hates boy, boy loves girl, girl eventually gets her head out of her arse and loves boy back. Easy as pie."

I rolled my eyes. "It's not that easy, Alice."

"Of course it isn't," said Livvy, shooting Alice a look. "But I mean, you have to give it a shot. You have to try. You can't tell me you don't feel anything, can you?"

I considered telling her, at that moment, as she watched me expectantly. I really did. I considered telling her about the buzz I felt when he looked at me; about how much we'd laughed; about how I felt like blushing and giggling like a complete fop sometimes, when I returned to my dormitory after spending time with him.

But then I looked at Alice and I chickened out. I couldn't tell them how I felt. Besides, it wasn't that big of a deal anyway, and they would make it into one. I didn't want that. I didn't want to be picked apart, like I was someone dense and moronic and incapable of figuring out how she feels. If, in the highly unlikely event that something does happen between us, I want it to be on my own accord, not that of my friends.

So I said, "No. I don't."

"Of course you do," said Alice. "You're just not telling us."

I hated it when she did that – her almost-psychic brilliance is quite irksome, because it is often paired with her almost-trollish obtuseness. I rolled my eyes at her.

"I mean, yeah, he makes me smile, but no, I don't feel what you think I feel," I said.

"But he still might," pointed out Alice. "Do you realize that? Do you realize that he could have an enormous crush on you still, after all this time, and you are going to break his heart again when you tell him you 'don't feel anything' when he's with you?"

"You've always been a romantic," I told her. "That doesn't mean James is one too."

"It's not about being a bloody romantic!" flared up Alice, getting astonishingly passionate about her cause. "It's about you two – how you feel and how you are pretending like nothing is happening when it really is!"

"Calm down, Alice," said Livvy.

"I will not!" pouted Alice like a five-year-old child. "I mean, honestly, Livvy! Even you know enough to snap up a guy when you know you like him. Lily has been avoiding James for years!"

"Not everyone is the same that way," said Livvy steadily, happily stepping up on my behalf. "Now, I agreed with you on the fact that there are emotions that need to be discussed, but I don't agree with you on the idea that Lily is a dolt. She knows how she feels better than you do and she's a big girl now. If she wants James, she'll go for him."

At that moment, I felt more grateful to Livvy than I ever had. I smiled slightly at her as Alice pondered whether or not to let this go yet. She caught my eye and smiled back, the knowledge that we were on the same side (kind of) passing wordlessly between us.

A few seconds later, Alice calmed down a little, as Livvy suggested, and turned to me. "Lily," she said. "Over Christmas, do a bit of soul-searching on this matter, all right? Because when you come back from break, you need to do something about this poor guy. Either tell him you love him or tell him out-right that you're only ever going to be friends."

"Okay, Alice," I said. "I will."

This pacified her considerably and she was back to her usual, bubbly self. The conversation turned over fairly quickly to Livvy and Russell, and how he was going to visit Livvy's house this vacation on Christmas Eve. She had given him the address and he was going to Floo over to see her. He wasn't allowed to stay the night – her parents would've died if she suggested it – but he was allowed to come back in the morning to spend the rest of Christmas Day with Livvy. She was over the moon about the whole thing.

We talked for a long time, giggling as we each pantomimed various scenarios that could occur between Russell and the Harris family during his stay. Livvy was a good sport about all the fun, and I could see that glow in her again, the one I saw during the snowball fight. Russell really did do her a world of good – I have rarely ever seen her as happy as she is when she is with him.

To be very frank, Russell has been on my mind a lot for the past couple of days. His presence in my life, even when he is not physically there, has been overwhelming on my life. As thrilled as I am on my friend's behalf, I can't help but sigh a little when I think of Russell, because he has taken Livvy over so effectively.

Livvy lives and breathes Russell. She would spend all her days with him, if she could. She talks about him endlessly and although she is still around to support me and be with me, I can tell she's almost wholly invested in someone else, someone who could leave her unexpectedly, if he so desired. It worries me, that Livvy has made Russell her everything; because if something goes wrong (which I have been trained to think it might) she would have nothing and Alice and I would be the ones who would be left to nurse her broken soul. I don't think I could do that; because while Livvy is tough, she's tough only within her limits. Otherwise, she falls apart. I am protective of her, because only once, when her grandmother passed away, did I see her break down completely.

I see her right now, lying in front of me, sleeping so peacefully, and I fear the power she has given Russell. She's taking a huge chance on him and I am terrified it might backfire on her. I just don't want her to get hurt.

Oh, damn. I think we're getting close to the station now. I hear the conductor speaking over the intercom. Considerations shall have to wait for the time being. Alice and Livvy are beginning to stir and they have yet to change, since they had been sleeping and all. Luckily, I think Alice has put James aside in her mind for a little while and she will be capable of talking about something/someone else, finally. I'd better go take advantage of it.

It'll take me a while to get home (my mum is an infamously slow driver) so I think I'll write again in the morning, when I'm a little more coherent.

'Night!

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A/N: Yeah, a little short, a little less interesting than the party at Slughorn's, but don't worry. Next chapter is stuff about Lily's home life, Petunia and Vernon, and Alice has a bit of an issue she will be ranting at Lily about. I hope to still keep things interesting, but I needed a chill-back chapter after the last one.

Please remember to review on your way out and we'll both be extremely happy!