Better? No. Better is what you would call a person who overcame an ailment. To describe Mello I would use, plastic. You know, it looks warm and soft, with rosy cheeks all bundled up, but it's all fake, cold, hard, pretending to be something that it's not. That's what Mello is right now. He's plastic. I think he wants me to think that he's okay, that he's not going to think about leaving, that he's over it. But that isn't working out for him I see right through him. I can see the cold, icy centre that won't melt. I can see the self-hate, the insecurities, everything. I can see him as that same lost and scared three year old that he was so many years ago. I don't know why he thinks he's fooling me. Or maybe he's trying to fool himself. He keeps using the term "better" when he talks about himself, but I can tell otherwise.
Mello's POV: Life goes on I suppose, everyone's got to get over the demons of the past that make them feel like nothing. I've been trying, I have. It never hurts when you have someone who wants you to be better. Matt wants me to be better. So I will try for him. BB wanted me to get better, but in a different way. He wanted me to get better in the way that forced and pleaded, in the way that didn't understand. Matt just wants me to be okay. I'm trying for him, I guess for me too, but he's more important. I love him, and spending forever with him would be great, adopting kids,(we've already got Koopa), like he said, and traveling the world. It already seems like I will make it out fine, I just don't know when that will be and how much 'better' better is.
Sometimes, when it's two in the morning I can hear Matt sleeping, and he talks in his sleep. He used to say things about video games, but as of late it's been along the lines of 'it wasn't your fault'. I wonder what he's dreaming about, seeing as I know he's talking about me. I'm starting to almost fully believe him. Fuck dad. He technically asked for me to be brought into the world, and then he decided to hate me? The bastard.
Why can't I get there though. Why can't I say that like I so desperately want to. I want to say I don't care. Why can't I?