What happens when it fades?
Chapter 26: Idiot
She turned to him and tried to force her breathing back to normal. "I… I…" She choked and started sobbing again, folding herself into Dilandau startled arms. "I cheated on Van!"
Dilandau sat there frozen, holding a sobbing Hitomi in his arms. "Maybe we should've just watched Dracula." He murmured softly into her hair, chewing softly on his lip, unsure of what to do now.
"I cheated on him. I kissed that guy. I don't even know his name!" she wailed. She sobbed softly. "I cheated on him." She whispered.
"Yes," murmured Dilandau. And it wasn't even with me, he thought to himself. He absently stroked Hitomi's hair, shaking his head. This evening was turning out completely wrong. He looked down at Hitomi, noting how perfectly she fit in his arms. He shifted slightly. On second thought, maybe it wasn't completely wrong.
"I don't feel very good." Hitomi murmured into Dilandau's shoulder.
"I should get you that water." He said gently, not really wanting to let her go. She chose that moment to cling to him even tighter, making his decision easy. He felt her lift her head, so that her damp forehead rested against his shoulder. He felt her sigh.
"It's just… you don't know what its like to be so far away from the one you love. You can't touch them, or hug them, or kiss them. Sometimes you wonder if they are even real, or just a dream you had one night." He felt his shirt growing damp under the gentle rain of her tears. "It's like one moment I have him, and then I have a million moments I don't."
Dilandau sighed then, perhaps he didn't know what it was like to be in a different world from the one he loved; but he knew what it was like to be unable to kiss them, what it was like to be unable to have them as his own.
Hitomi muffled a whimper in his shoulder and he sighed. "He'll forgive you, Hitomi." He said quietly. "You were drunk, and you weren't thinking straight. It's not like you meant it, or did it on purpose."
Hitomi raised her face to look him in the eye. "You really think he will?" She whispered hoarsely, a tear running its way down her pale cheek, tracing the gentle slope of her face.
Dilandau wasn't sure if he felt more like kissing her, or hitting someone because he knew he couldn't. Not yet, not now. She looked beautiful. Her mascara had run from all her tears, leaving black smudges under her eyes, and sooty tear tracks down her cheeks. Her eyes were red and watery, as if she could burst back into tears any moment. Her nose was a little red, and overall she looked a wreck. Dilandau stared hopelessly at her. He felt like falling, or screaming, or ignoring all the intelligent thoughts in his head and kissing this lovely, sad creature until she smiled again.
He felt like an idiot.
"Do you really think he'd forgive me?" She whispered softly. Her soft lips torturing him.
"He'd be an idiot not to." He said suddenly. Just as suddenly, he regretted it. He was saved from his embarrassment, however, as Hitomi chose that moment to whimper again, this time clutching her stomach.
"I don't feel good." She said softly, a horrified look on her face. She attempted to stand, but wobbled as she got to her feet. Dilandau stood and wrapped an arm around her waist, helping her to the washroom. "I'm okay, really." She murmured softly. "You don't have to stay."
Dilandau nodded softly, wandering down the hallway. Hitomi waited until he was out of the doorway before sinking to her knees before the toilet bowl, wishing dimly that she'd kept better track of how many drinks she'd had.
Dilandau stood in the bathroom doorway, watching Hitomi rest her forehead on the cool porcelain. "I brought you something to drink." He said softly. "You need water, otherwise you'll feel really awful in the morning." He smirked softly, but it faded quickly as Hitomi turned her head to look at him with pleading eyes.
"I told you not to watch." She said softly. "I'm a wreck. You shouldn't see me like this."
Dilandau shook his head, sitting firmly on the floor. "I'm not leaving you alone in this state."
"Why?" Hitomi asked, secretly glad to not be alone in this hell she'd put herself into.
Dilandau turned his gaze to stare at the white walls of the bathroom. "Because friends don't leave each other alone." He said softly, and because I love you, he thought. Those treacherous words echoing painfully in his head, wanting to be said, but at the same time, terrified of being released into the world.
He was a little shocked when Hitomi lay down across the floor, her head in his lap. He was never quite sure what the last thing Hitomi had said was before she passed out.
Hitomi woke up with a pounding headache. She felt like a train was running through her head. Or perhaps that a hippopotamus was tap dancing on her skull. She sighed, stretching slowly. Her whole body felt stiff and painful. What on earth had happened last night?
She pulled her pillow over her head as the memories floated in: Van randomly contacting her as she was getting ready for the party, him asking her not to go when she told him about it. Him telling her not to drink, since she couldn't hold her alcohol. That had just put her in a peachy mood. When Dilandau had started to act all protective she'd lost it. Who were these boys to tell her how to live her life? She could look out for herself thanks. And then the fact that she obviously couldn't. Resulting in her kissing the guy she'd been dancing with. She groaned and turned over, burrowing herself deeper into her blankets.
How could she have done something so stupid? At least if it had been the guy who'd started it, it wouldn't be so bad. She sighed, the smell of food was seeping into her room. She pushed herself up. She wasn't sure if the smell was making her feel more nauseous, or hungry.
She stood silently in the doorway to the kitchen, watching Dilandau making pancakes. She'd realized halfway down the hallway that minus the boots, she was still wearing last night's clothes. Which meant she must have passed out on Dilandau at some point. She leaned against the doorframe, unsure of what to say. She could remember crying on his shoulder, and him sitting in the bathroom with her. She could remember asking herself why she always felt so safe with him. There was nothing after that. Well, passing out on the bathroom floor would explain the stiffness of her body.
"Good morning." Dilandau said, without turning around. She watched him pour two glasses of orange juice, and cross the floor to hand her one. "I told you to drink some water last night or you'd feel worse. Do yourself a favour and drink this, then have a shower. You'll feel better."
Hitomi nodded dumbly. Maybe letting Dilly take care of her a little wasn't that horrible. That and her skull was hurting so badly she wasn't entirely sure she could think for herself.
She sipped the orange juice, and watched Dilandau get various things ready for breakfast. He turned to her suddenly, a smile on his face. "I can hold breakfast, but not forever 'Tomi."
Hitomi smiled weakly, and headed for the bathroom. She stared at herself in the mirror. She looked like a zombie: black smudges under her eyes from her melted makeup, red eyes, pale face. She shook her head, how could Dilly possible smile at her when she looked like this? She could just imagine Van staring at her in horror and demanding some explanation for this.
She stepped into the shower, letting the hot water burn its way across her skin. It was rather funny really, the way Dilly had taken care of her last night. The way he stuck by her side, the way he had held her as she cried. She paused softly, remembering how nice it had felt to have someone's arms wrapped around her. How safe she'd felt. How he hadn't judged her actions. She smiled, perhaps he'd just been drunk so many times himself he knew how little control one had over reality.
She paused, her hands in her hair, rinsing out the shampoo. But there was the way he looked at her all last night. She must have looked like a wreck, but he looked like he was drowning in her eyes. The smile he'd greeted her with this morning. It was the same look Van gave her wasn't it?
Hitomi shook her head. No, there was absolutely no way Dilandau was in love with her. That would be ridiculous. This was whatever alcohol was left in her system talking, and her head just hurt too much to shut it up. She stepped out of the shower, drying herself, and wrapping herself in a huge fluffy towel. She thought dismally about getting dressed, and instead shrugged, wrapping a housecoat around her already towel-covered body. This was good enough for breakfast anyway.
Dilandau stared at the wall dismally. He couldn't look at Hitomi. She was sitting there in nothing but a towel and a housecoat. Wolfing down pancakes he'd made for her. It would all be so right, so perfect. If she was his. If she was his. His grip tightened around his fork. How he'd love to stab Van with it right now, just to get him out of the picture.
He sighed. He also highly doubted Hitomi would then fall in love with her fiancé's murderer. He brightened momentarily. Maybe Van wouldn't forgive her. He turned his gaze back to Hitomi, watching her sweep her wet hair over her shoulder, sneaking a grateful look at him with her emerald eyes. Only an idiot wouldn't forgive a creature like her.
Hitomi paused. She felt like she ought to explain herself to Dilandau, but every time she looked up and met his eyes, the feeling floated away. It was as if she didn't need to explain herself to him. Her eyes clouded slightly as she stabbed her last piece of pancake. Now just to explain to Van.
"You know," Dilandau started. "You don't have to tell him you were the one who started the kiss." Hitomi snapped her head up to stare at him. She watched him run his hand through his silver hair. "I mean, that's what's bugging you isn't it? So just don't tell him. Just say you were drunk and some guy kissed you, and it didn't mean anything, and it will never happen again." He waved his hand lazily in the air. "And then voila, everything's happy in his simple little head again."
Hitomi felt like she should probably say something about Van not being simple. On the other hand, when it came to things like this he rather was – always letting his emotions get the best of him. She sighed. Technically it would be lying, wouldn't it? But it would make life easier…
She let her gaze fall again. "Don't worry about whether it's right, or moral, or ethical or any of that junk." Dilandau said, standing up and clearing the dishes from the table. "If you're going to rule a country you're going to find yourself constantly changing your definition of right until you give up on the idea entirely." He sat himself down in front of her, staring piercingly into her eyes. "When it all comes down to it, you do whatever brings about your own ends."
Hitomi shook her head. "That's not true. When it all comes down to it, you do whatever is best for the people you love, even if its not what's best for you." Dilandau stared at her softly for a long moment.
She watched him chew his lip. He seemed distracted by something. She watched him lift his hand slowly, gently pushing a lock of her damp hair behind her ear. "Maybe." He said softly. She breathed softly, unwilling to contend with the lump that had formed in her throat. "Anyway," Dilandau said, breaking the moment as he stood back up. "There's dishes to do."
Hitomi watched Dilandau's back as he walked away from her. She turned herself so her forehead could rest on the table. What on earth was wrong with her these days? She felt like such an idiot.
Van sat quietly under a tree in the forest outside the palace gardens. He slumped against the rough bark. A guy could only take so much really. He had no intention of telling any of his advisors why he was in such a bad mood today, immediately they'd start on about princesses ever so much better suited to Fanelia's throne than Hitomi, and he refused to have that. Hitomi was his, even if she'd let some other guy she didn't even know the name of kiss her while in a drunken stupor. He sighed, what kind of behaviour was that for a future queen? His future queen. His Hitomi.
He turned his head at a rustling in the bushes not too far from where he sat. "Who's there?" He asked irately. He didn't particularly want to be bothered at the moment.
"Ah, sorry, your highness." Celena stepped out of the woods. "Rorkin suggested I keep an eye on you since there were some rumours…" she trailed off noticing the irritated look in Van's eyes.
"First off Celena, I can take care of myself. I don't need bodyguards in my own forests. Secondly, it's Van. You know I don't like it when people get all formal."
Celena sighed, sitting next to the stubborn king. "Alright Van. But I'm still going to be formal in public you realize."
Van took a moment to absorb the fact she was smiling. His eyes darkened as he thought again about some other guy kissing Hitomi.
He noticed after a long moment that Celena was reading his features. "What's wrong?" She asked softly. Van decided not to reply. This wasn't something he needed other people's opinions on. "It's about Hitomi, isn't it?" She asked softly.
Van spun his head around. "What? How did you know that…" he trailed off, aware he'd given her an answer he hadn't meant to give.
She smiled wistfully. "You looked like love came and bit you from behind. What happened?"
Van took in Celena's melancholy look, and stored the information away for later. He sighed; maybe it wouldn't hurt to tell someone about this after all. At least it might hurt him a little less. "Hitomi went to a party last night." He said softly. "And she had a little too much to drink, and to make a long story short she ended up letting some guy kiss her."
Celena froze for a moment. Please not Dilandau, please not Dilandau, please not my Dilly, she found herself thinking. She paused. Since when is he my Dilly? She asked herself rationally. And if it were Dilandau, Van wouldn't really be all that likely to just say 'some guy'. He'd be a lot angrier, and probably threatening to kill him. She thought this all through. "Who was it she kissed?" She inquired softly.
Van sighed, "Just some guy. She didn't even catch his name."
Celena let out a long breathe, suddenly realizing she'd been holding it. Okay, she thought, so not Dilandau. She leaned back against the tree, feeling its rough bark through her tunic. "I'm sorry, Van. I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it though."
Van turned his head to smile wryly at Celena. "I know she didn't. It's probably my fault she drank so much in the first place." He sighed. "I just don't know how to handle feeling thankful that Dilandau was there to get her out of the situation. To take care of her. It should have been me there." He winced. "And instead, of all the people it could have been, it was Dilandau."
Celena nodded absently. That explained why Dilly had run off so quick last night. She sighed, she felt a little stupid. She should know that Hitomi loved Van too much to fool around with Dilandau. Suddenly fear gripped her, but she doesn't love him enough not to stay sober and avoid making out with strangers. She stole a look at Van, his features seemed calm enough. She couldn't help thinking though, no matter how much of an idiot it made her feel, what would happen next time Hitomi drank too much?
Hmm…am I adding enough content about what's going on in Fanelia? I realized just now I have plans for the next few chapters – none of which really focus on Celena or Van or Allen… I'll try to stick in stuff now and again, but I'm afraid they may be playing cameo roles in the next few chapters. (Like in this one.)
Also, I'm sure you've noticed I've been updating like crazy lately. Don't be surprised if its a bit of a wait til the next update - I have to catch up on my readings for school. :P