/Every step I take, every move I make

Every single day, every time I pray

I'll be missing you

Thinking of the day when you went away

What a life to take, what a bond to break

I'll be missing you… /

Chapter Twenty Six

I wish I could tell you there was a happy ending when I left the hospital- that I walked in the door of my house to find Heero there, waiting for me like nothing had happened. That would be lying to you, though, and I can't do that. The house was empty, barren of the vitality it had held while Heero and I lived there. Needless to say I moved as soon as humanly possible. I just couldn't stand seeing the place that had been our home, being alone in the places we should have been.

Two months had already passed since the Marauder incident.

Two whole months…and it hadn't gotten much easier to deal with life.

The whole entire world still felt surreal.

Every day I woke I had to force myself to get a handle on life and remember that he wasn't coming back this time. Every day I found myself sitting in the car at the edge of the cemetery, Loki laying quietly in the back seat, watching me cry as I clutched the steering wheel in an iron grip and tried to forget where I was. She was the only one I would let see me cry. Dogs, I learned, do not judge people. They do not offer any sort of ill-spoken advice, or tell you that "it'll be okay" when it feels like nothing will ever be okay again.

They don't tell you to move on when you aren't ready to yet.

So here I was again, forehead resting against the top of the steering wheel as I stared into space with an unfocused gaze. I'd come to the cemetery every day since we'd held the funeral- an event that was done more out of a sense of respect than because any of us wanted to go through it. Coming here hadn't gotten any easier. I'd been there for about fifteen minutes already, trying to steel myself to leave the vehicle. Somehow, I had to get out of the car and start walking. I had to remember. I had to make it real.

It didn't feel real.

There wasn't a body. If there had been one I think I could have dealt with it easier. I could have said "it's true" and known for sure. But the gundam pilots had the uncanny habit of coming back from the dead. Despite all logic… there was a part of me that felt that he was still out there, looking for a way back home. Like one day I would answer the knock on my door and he would be standing there, giving me that same soft, knowing grin he gave me after he had once again done the impossible.

My better judgment told me that there was no one coming back from the dead.

Not this time.

Giving in with a resigned sigh, I slipped out of the car and moved to the back. I let Loki out, and clipped on her leash as she stepped onto the pavement. It wasn't like there was really anyone around to see or bother us but I felt better with her on the leash all the same. As far as I could see there was only one other car heading down the road. It looked like Quatre's car, but I wasn't about to take any chances. If it was Quatre he knew where I was going and if it was someone else they would hopefully leave me alone.

It had been a while since I had seen any of the others. I was purposely avoiding them because I didn't want to deal with sympathy on top of everything else. I didn't want to have to see how this was affecting anyone of them. If I went to see them I knew that they would try to force me to pull myself together and "get over it" or something.

I didn't want to "get over it."

I didn't want to just forget him.

Them, maybe, but not him.

I continued down the thin sidewalk, boots clunking heavily on the pale grey pavement. Loki stayed at my heel, tail wagging slowly. She knew where we were going by now. The car I had seen pulled up behind my own car and ground into a hasty park even as the door opened. I faintly heard someone getting out, but I didn't turn around to see who. The dog paused just the slightest bit to glance behind us before hurrying to catch up with me again.

"Duo! Hey, Duo!" Quatre called from behind me, running to catch me before I veered off the sidewalk to set foot on the grass.

I turned to face him as he approached, offering him a smile that I was sure never reached my eyes. It didn't matter. I didn't care. "Yo." I returned to walking with Loki, watching the soft grass as it passed under my feet. I was enjoying every bit of sight I could now that I had it back. "What brings you here?" My voice was softer and held more of a tremble than I wanted.

"You're a hard person to find even when I know where you are. The only thing you've done with regularity is come here."

"Every day." I said wearily. "That doesn't explain why you're here."

He passed me a neatly bound, brown-paper parcel tied with red ribbon and addressed to one "Max Yuy." My new IDs, licenses, and papers were finally done. My new life was ready to live. I smiled faintly, letting my hand fall to my side, removing the package from my view as I looked over at him again. With a shake of his head, he sighed.

"Taking that last name is just asking for trouble." He told me in a concerned tone.

"You didn't change yours at all, buddy." I replied wryly before sighing. "I couldn't just leave it behind, Q. I can't just forget him. I can't just move on like everyone else."

We walked in silence for a moment, watching the scenery pass and listening to the birds chirruping sweetly in the trees all around us. If I had been any other place it would have been such a peaceful environment, so utterly relaxing. As it was I could barely keep my skin from crawling at the unsettling feeling that permeated the grounds. Finally, Quatre made an exasperated noise and picked up the dropped conversation.

"You're going to have to keep moving with your life. You can't stop living just because he's gone."

"He's not gone." I spat, getting irritated.

"Oh? Then why do you hole yourself up at your flat day after day? Why aren't you out there looking for him?" He looked away from me again, jaw clenching for a second before he could continue. "If you don't think he's gone then why do you still come here every day, no matter what?"

"Because I have to keep reminding myself he's d-dead!" I snapped, tears welling in my eyes as I stopped abruptly, angry that even after two months I was still stuttering over the words. Yanking roughly on Loki's leash when she tried to keep going, I turned to glare at Quatre as I furiously wiped my eyes. "I can't bring myself to believe he's just gone like that. There's no way that after all the shit we had to go through to get to a happy ending someone could just rip it to pieces so easily. Every day I wake up thinking that maybe… that maybe it was all a bad dream. That I just imagined that whole fiasco and that if I just wish hard enough I can roll over in bed and be faced with his smile again… and every day I only find myself in an empty bed in an empty apartment with an empty hole in me where he used to be." I fixed him with a hurt look. "You didn't give up on Trowa when we thought he was dead so don't even try to lecture me about this. I don't want to hear it."

"He was our friend, too. Trowa's best friend." He whispered as we trailed to a stop in front of the grey granite tombstone. "You're not the only one who lost him."

"I know." I said wearily as I dropped gently to my knees, hand trailing feather light over the smooth, polished stone to trace the lettering. "The problem is that I don't feel like I've lost him. I don't feel like he's really gone. I didn't get closure on it. On us. I guess I feel like he's still out there somewhere."

"If he were, don't you think we'd have heard something from him by now?" Quatre pointed out softly as he knelt beside me.

"We didn't hear from Trowa when he lost his memory, did we?" I pointed out, trying not to sound desperate. I held up my hands to stop him from protesting and he settled into a disapproving, concerned look. "Maybe it's a crazy thing to think but… well, I just don't want to be the one to give up if there's even a scrap of hope left. I won't ask anyone else to believe but I think that he deserves at least that much from me."

He sighed and took my shaking hands in his and looking me in the eyes. "I'm not telling you to give up hope. I would never ask that of you because I would never want you to." I allowed him to pull me into a hug which I returned without hesitation. "But please, don't let your life fall apart in the meantime."

Loki whined and nuzzled the hand in which I was holding her leash, giving me a curious look as I released Quatre. Normally when Loki and I visited Heero's gravestone (because I maintained that it had to have a body to be a grave) we were alone. We never stayed more than a few minutes- long enough to recognize and deny reality. I gave her a scratch behind the ears and nodded resignedly to Quatre.

"Okay." I consented, offering him another weak attempt at a smile.

I dropped my gaze to my hands and we spent a few more minutes kneeling on the soft grass. I could feel him watching me but I didn't feel like trying to start another conversation just yet. I still needed a little bit of time to be silent while I was here. Finally Loki seemed to tire of sitting idly and she got to her feet, looking intent on leaving whether I followed willingly or not. I climbed to my feet and helped Quatre to his. As we began walking the tension eased and I found myself curious, at last.

I hadn't heard from anyone at all since I left my information with Quatre to get my new IDs. We had decided that changing our names for a while and disappearing from the public eye would be a good idea. At least for a few years, until we were sure that nothing like that would happen again. Quatre was the only one unable to do that, as he still had to run his business and manage all the duties Relena had been responsible for. Of course I sold my house and disappeared with only a faint trace, enough for the other pilots to find me again when they needed.

"Where's Trowa?" I asked quietly.

"He left the circus without telling them he was still alive. The only one we told was Cathy, and she wasn't very happy about it but she knew she had to let him go sometime. He's almost twenty one."

"You're very good at avoiding answering my questions, Q." I told him wryly, looking over with some semblance of a real smile. "Where is he now?"

Quatre chuckled weakly at my jab and shook his head. "Habit, sorry. He's renting a flat near where I am staying. The way we have it figured out three years should be long enough for everyone to stop looking for us."

"Why would anyone be looking for us?" I asked, a little confused. "Aren't we supposed to be dead?"

"Well yes, that is the idea. Noin has been maintaining the rumors that you four died on that colony. That I was the only gundam pilot to survive the battle." He made a face. "Not the cleanest way to keep everyone safe, but hopefully effective. I doubt many people are going to try and hunt dead people."

I was glad to hear that the idea was working. I was rather enjoying my life of anonymity and Quatre was right. People tended to look for the dead a lot less than they looked for the living. We were nearing my car but I wasn't done talking with Quatre just yet so I pulled up short, not turning to face him. I couldn't say what I needed to say if I had to look at him.

"So I guess this is it, eh?" I asked lightly, torn as to whether I hoped he would pry or not.

"Don't say it like that. Your flat isn't that far from my place. It isn't like you're going to drop off the face of the planet, Duo."

"Actually… I am." I replied after only a second's pause. "I've booked a flight to the L2 colonies for tomorrow night. I don't expect you'll hear from me after that."

The silence he gave me in response to that hurt more than anything he could have possibly said. He knew why I was leaving- I was running away again instead of facing what was wrong. But I didn't care. I needed this. I had been hoping that I would be able to disappear without having to go through any painful farewells but if he was here I couldn't just not say goodbye.

"So that's it? Just like that you're going to vanish?"

"Yeah." I whispered, still unable to look him in the eyes. I didn't want to have to see the injured expression I knew he would be wearing. The last thing I needed right then was a guilt trip from Quatre. "That's what I do best, Cat. Disappear without a trace."

"You weren't going to say goodbye." It wasn't a question, merely an observation vacant of much emotion and on the verge of accusation.

"Would it be easier?" I asked gently as I risked a glance at him. "I think goodbyes just make it worse. Harder to deal with because you always wonder if there was something you could have done to keep the person with you. But there never was."

He gave me a sympathetic look, I think because he knew as well as I did that I wasn't really talking about myself leaving. "Will you return?" The hope in his voice cut because I knew the answer and so did he.

"The colonies are my home. Besides, if I stay here I know I won't be able to move on and take a shot at life again. At least up there," I pointed smoothly skyward without looking, "I have a decent chance. There's not as much to remind me."

"Now who's good at dodging answers?" He nudged my arm in an attempt to get me to look at him. I ignored it and kept my eyes trained firmly on the ground.

"I can't come back, Cat. It's too painful. I know you probably want to keep contact with me but… I don't think I can do that either. Every time I talk to you or Trowa or Wu Fei or anyone from the war…" I shook my head sadly, reaching up to scrub at my eyes again before they could betray me. I didn't think facing him would be this hard but it just brought so much back. "I'm just reminded of him, of everything that happened." I sighed. "And truthfully… I just want to be able to forget how much that hurts. I want to forget everything."

"Even me? Even your friends?" He breathed.

I swallowed, fighting off tears as I reminded myself that I promised I would not cry if it came down to telling anyone I was leaving. "Yes, Quatre. Everything. Even you, even them. I'm sorry."

He caught my arm as I turned to leave and very gently kissed my wrist. I faced him then, more out of surprise than anything else, which I think was his intention. He was staring expectantly at me and as soon as our eyes met I knew I wouldn't be able to turn away again. Whatever he wanted to tell me I would have to stay and hear.

"I'm sorry too, Max." He pulled me over to him and reached into the right front pocket of my black pants, extracting my cell phone from where it always was. I'd had to pick up a new one after leaving the hospital- all of the stuff on my person when I was taken had been confiscated. I hadn't made more than a few calls in weeks and I didn't leave it on to receive them. "I'm going to keep paying for this service. For all of us. Even Heero's number. That will be my bid of faith for him and for you. If he's alive all he's got to do is pick up another phone and register it." I nodded and he smiled, sighing as he correctly decided I was still going no matter what he told me. "Leaving the past behind is sometimes the healthy thing to do but if you're going to just take off can you do me one small favor?"

"What is it?"

"Don't lose my number. There will always be a light on for you where-ever I am, okay? Just… remember that even if you forget all the rest of it."

My shoulders dropped in defeat and I dragged him into a tight embrace, one that he earnestly returned. Through everything Quatre had been my best friend and I knew I relied on his support more than anything else. There I was, running like I always do and he was still there for me. He still cared enough to keep trying.

"Thank you. I'll keep it." I smiled into his shoulder. "Who knows, maybe I'll call after a couple of years. Good luck running the world."

We pulled apart after a minute and he took my face in both hands, forcing me to look at him. Then he smiled and I felt some of the tension within me ease. "Take care of yourself. Hopefully I will see you in a few years."

I didn't have anything to say to that so I merely dropped away and tugged gently on Loki's leash. I felt bad about treating her roughly when I got upset at Quatre and silently promised myself I'd give her some extra treats when we got back to the flat. I got her into the back seat and closed the door before I turned to look at Quatre one more time. He stood silently watching me and I could tell that he just as close to tears as I but I knew neither one of us would actually cry. The time for that was past now; crying wasn't for the people who were still alive. I waved half-heartedly and got into the car.

It was a long drive back to my flat. Loki sat quietly in the backseat, scrabbling to stay sitting every time I turned a corner. When we finally pulled into the small parking lot in front of our building she was more than happy to exit the vehicle. So was I. There was nothing I liked better than driving, as it was the closest thing to piloting that I could do for now, but there was only so much I could take sometimes.

Every day it was the same. I got home from the graveyard, went inside and fed the dog. She ate while I checked my answering machine out of habit, took off my boots, and made myself some breakfast. There were never any messages because no one knew my home number. I tossed the package that contained my new life onto the counter, not sure I really wanted to open it and become Max Yuy just yet. Loki hopped around me as I scooped her some dry food and tossed in some grilled chicken pieces from the night before. I set her bowl on the floor and walked into the other room, sitting on the couch by the phone as I bent over to unlace my boots.

I froze, gaze drifting back to the answering machine I had glanced at so quickly.

There was a little, red, blinking number one on the display.

Someone had called.

My mind instantly rationalized it. Quatre had probably gotten my number and called about the IDs. I had been mildly surprised that he came to the graveyard instead of my flat, if he knew where I was. If he had phoned and found out I wasn't home, though, things made more sense. Relaxing, I decided I would listen to it later. I had stayed a bit long at the graveyard today and I was going to be late meeting my boss to get everything in order for me leaving if I didn't hurry my ass up.

It was times like the morning, while I got ready to leave for work, that I missed Heero the most. During the war I hadn't spent a lot of time thinking about how things should be, if I made it out alive. I'd never planned what I was going to do for a living or where I was going to live or what I was going to do with my life. All of those things required me to survive and quite honestly I didn't often think I would. Sheer dumb luck seemed to save me half the time and the others were around for the other half. Yet no matter where I thought I'd end up I had always hoped that Heero would be there with me. Whatever I ended up doing, I felt like he should be there for it, even if he turned out to be just a close friend.

But… he wasn't.

He was gone…

But it certainly didn't feel that way.

I still felt like I was going to turn around and he'd be there. Waiting. Sometimes I fooled myself that I could hear him in the other room and would think that if I just checked I would find him there. Just as I had been able to when we roomed together at safe-houses- getting out of the shower or typing at his computer or burning what was supposed to be our dinner. Something normal; something that he deserved to be able to do any time now that we didn't have to fight.

But he never was.

What hurt the worst was thinking about all those things we'd never get to do. All the sunsets that we would miss, all the meals we wouldn't eat together, all the time we'd never spend doing nothing on lazy Saturday afternoons. All the times I would come home from work to a house devoid of the love I'd shared with him for a full year before the Marauders interfered. All the mornings I would leave for work, like I was right then, without getting to say goodbye.

"I'll see you when I get home, Heero." I whispered to the empty air as I closed the door behind me.

They were such simple words, so ordinary… but they were eight little words he could no longer hear.

/Cause I miss you, body and soul

So strong that it takes my breath away

And I breathe you into my heart

And pray for the strength to stand today/

/End Chapter Twenty Six, Through the Storm/